Drawn to a co-worker

[AcerAnglo]

Hello, first post from a new male user!

 

Just to put you all in the picture i have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 2 years and everything is perfect.

 

However,

2 years ago a new female co-worker started in my office. She is married with kids. For the first 18 months the only interaction was passing in the corridor or if we crossed paths with work duties. She is a pretty lady but nothing extraordinary.

Fast forward to six months ago,

There is a good group of people at the company all around the same age (me and this girl included). Someone was organising a works night out and set up a WhatsApp chat group. This is effectively how we exchanged numbers.

 

After the chat in the group slowed down i would received the odd message direct from this girl. It started out as work chat and the over a few weeks it would progress in to 'what you doing at the weekend' kind of chat.

 

There was a 2 month period where we would text every day at work about various subjects and we really got to know each other pretty well.

 

Inevitably, we started to flirt a little. But i must stress i never said anything inappropriate to this girl and i never said 'i fancy you', 'i wish i was with you', 'I can't stop thinking about you'. By flirting i mean having a joke with her and dropping the odd kiss every now and then after a text. I put this down to been in a 'fish bowl' environment at work and us having common ground on which we could speak.

 

I knew deep down that i had to break off communication with this girl because there wasn't an end goal. I didn't fancy her and i am with a girl that i love dearly. So the texting slowed down a little, maybe to 3 days a week.

 

There is a male co worker of mine. The girl sent me a screen shot of them texting (everything was totally harmless) but she didn't understand why he was texting her so much. I had no reason to be jealous, so never thought anything of it.

A couple of weeks later they would be seen going out for lunch with each other.

 

She would come into my office unexpectedly to ask for help with work. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but she always looked like she made an effort with her looks. She would occasional flirt and pay me compliments.

I am looking for a new job and she has told me numerous times that she didn't want me to leave and that she would be sad if it happened.

 

As much as she is kind she can also be cruel. She can go though stages of short responses or not texting first for days and also not texting back for a while. And when she doesn't respond it makes me anxious and makes me want to text her again.

 

I'm not attracted to this girl, but I'm certainly drawn to her.

 

Any conclusions?

Edited September 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BuddyX]

If you're not attracted and you have a SO, then why is this an issue?

[pteromom]

You need to figure out why you are drawn to her? Is it an ego-boost thing? Does it just feel good for someone to act interested? Is it that little tingle that you get from considering possibility?

 

At any rate, if she is sending you text exchanges between her and another guy, I think SHE is too invested in you... so you need to distance yourself.

 

Be polite. Be kind. But no kissy emojis or flirting. It's sending her the wrong signal and you are putting your relationship at risk. Because what is your gf going to think when she stumbles on these texts in your phone? Keep it exactly as if you were texting a male coworker.

[AcerAnglo]

You need to figure out why you are drawn to her? Is it an ego-boost thing? Does it just feel good for someone to act interested? Is it that little tingle that you get from considering possibility?

 

At any rate, if she is sending you text exchanges between her and another guy, I think SHE is too invested in you... so you need to distance yourself.

 

Be polite. Be kind. But no kissy emojis or flirting. It's sending her the wrong signal and you are putting your relationship at risk. Because what is your gf going to think when she stumbles on these texts in your phone? Keep it exactly as if you were texting a male coworker.

 

Thank you for the advice. This is why i reached out to the community.

 

What do you me by 'invested' in me?

[pteromom]

I mean - she went out of her way to try to make you jealous. So that shows that 1, she is having some kind of possessive feelings about you, and 2, that she thinks on some level that YOU feel the same way as she expected a certain response from you.

 

This is dangerous territory, my friend.

[AcerAnglo]

I mean - she went out of her way to try to make you jealous. So that shows that 1, she is having some kind of possessive feelings about you, and 2, that she thinks on some level that YOU feel the same way as she expected a certain response from you.

 

This is dangerous territory, my friend.

 

Does this website have a message facility?

[pteromom]

Yes, but you have to have a certain # of posts before you can message someone.

[AcerAnglo]

Yes, but you have to have a certain # of posts before you can message someone.

 

I see. I'm probably over thinking everything and i over think all her actions, it's all probably unintentional.

 

I have started to try and avoid her at work, not because I don't want her to see me but because i don't want to see her (does that make sense). It's odd but if i do see her it's my initial thought to message her but deep down i know i don't want to contact her. I really enjoy our chats and I consider her a good friend but I don't want us to get too close. Plus i'm quite ans anxious person from time to time

 

Does this sound stupid?

[pteromom]

I'm gonna give you two cliches to hang onto.

 

"Integrity is doing the right thing when nobody is looking."

Your gf may not know about this co-worker, but YOU know. How would you feel if it was her and a male co-worker doing the exact thing?

 

And

 

"Sometimes the hard thing is the right thing."

You can't help being "drawn to" this woman. But you do CHOOSE your behavior. And to be a man of honor, you have to choose the right thing, even if it has some emotional consequences for you. If you don't - you risk blowing up your entire life for someone you aren't even really attracted to and who isn't available anyway.

[pteromom]

I see. I'm probably over thinking everything and i over think all her actions, it's all probably unintentional.

 

I have started to try and avoid her at work, not because I don't want her to see me but because i don't want to see her (does that make sense). It's odd but if i do see her it's my initial thought to message her but deep down i know i don't want to contact her. I really enjoy our chats and I consider her a good friend but I don't want us to get too close. Plus i'm quite ans anxious person from time to time

 

Does this sound stupid?

 

Doesn't sound stupid at all. You are very wise to not want to get too close. That's exactly how affairs start.

 

If you don't trust yourself to not message her, it is good to just continue to avoid her.

[AcerAnglo]

I'm gonna give you two cliches to hang onto.

 

"Integrity is doing the right thing when nobody is looking."

Your gf may not know about this co-worker, but YOU know. How would you feel if it was her and a male co-worker doing the exact thing?

 

And

 

"Sometimes the hard thing is the right thing."

You can't help being "drawn to" this woman. But you do CHOOSE your behavior. And to be a man of honor, you have to choose the right thing, even if it has some emotional consequences for you. If you don't - you risk blowing up your entire life for someone you aren't even really attracted to and who isn't available anyway.

 

This is good advice, thank you.

 

I do get a little jealous when I see her with my other co worker, laughing and joking.

 

Is this normal

[pteromom]

This is good advice, thank you.

 

I do get a little jealous when I see her with my other co worker, laughing and joking.

 

Is this normal

 

Sure. You built a connection with her. It hurts seeing someone else have that type of connection.

 

But trying to avoid hurt isn't a good tactic for making life choices. Let the hurt...hurt. Eventually it will go away.

 

Take that energy and focus it toward having an awesomely wonderful evening with your gf tonight. That's your real connection.

[AcerAnglo]

Sure. You built a connection with her. It hurts seeing someone else have that type of connection.

 

But trying to avoid hurt isn't a good tactic for making life choices. Let the hurt...hurt. Eventually it will go away.

 

Take that energy and focus it toward having an awesomely wonderful evening with your gf tonight. That's your real connection.

 

Once again thank you. I feel like we're getting somewhere!

 

I'm not going to lie, when at work I do check my phone to she if there's a message. But when i'm at home I don't give her a second though.

 

I put it down to if I'm having a stressful day any distraction is welcomed.

 

Is there any other advice you could give? Or thoughts on maybe what she is thinking?

[NTV]

If she sending you copies of her conversation with this guy you can bet that your conversations with her are not safe either....

[AcerAnglo]

If she sending you copies of her conversation with this guy you can bet that your conversations with her are not safe either....

 

Maybe. I know it sounds like a cliche but I honestly do think I can trust her. She only sent me 1 screenshot

[whichwayisup]

Just to put you all in the picture i have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 2 years and everything is perfect.

 

However,

2 years ago a new female co-worker started in my office. She is married with kids

 

Really give what you're doing deep thought. You're in a relationship and 'claim' it's perfect. If it was, you wouldn't be investing and paying so much attention to your married coworker with children. This is going nowhere fast and it's pointless flirtation and ego related.

 

Distance yourself and focus on work, don't get caught up in work drama, let alone create it.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe. I know it sounds like a cliche but I honestly do think I can trust her. She only sent me 1 screenshot

 

Really? You trust her?

[AcerAnglo]

Really give what you're doing deep thought. You're in a relationship and 'claim' it's perfect. If it was, you wouldn't be investing and paying so much attention to your married coworker with children. This is going nowhere fast and it's pointless flirtation and ego related.

 

Distance yourself and focus on work, don't get caught up in work drama, let alone create it.

 

I'm agreeing with what you're saying 100% about it been ego related.

 

I can't go on avoiding her when we work under the same roof

[whichwayisup]

I'm agreeing with what you're saying 100% about it been ego related.

 

I can't go on avoiding her when we work under the same roof

 

No you can't but you can emotionally detach and not allow yourself to get caught up with what she's doing or who she's talking to. Focus on your work and if possible only deal with her in a professional way. You can keep your distance and not 'hang out' with her at lunch or on breaks. You have to make the effort to back off and remember, you're in a relationship and she's married with children. Allowing feelings to develop will eventually affect what you feel for your girlfriend whether you're aware of it or not.

[pteromom]

I put it down to if I'm having a stressful day any distraction is welcomed.

 

That's what Facebook, Twitter, or Agar.io are for.

 

Is there any other advice you could give? Or thoughts on maybe what she is thinking?

 

Since I don't know her, I have no idea what she is thinking.

 

Could be she is thinking the same as you. Could be she really has a crush on you. Could be she is in an unhappy marriage and is looking for a reason to blow it up. Could be she is just unstable and isn't thinking at all.

 

But the "why" doesn't matter. Still doesn't change the fact that you don't want to be a cheater and risk losing your gf. Still doesn't change what you need to do.

[AcerAnglo]

That's what Facebook, Twitter, or Agar.io are for.

 

 

 

Since I don't know her, I have no idea what she is thinking.

 

Could be she is thinking the same as you. Could be she really has a crush on you. Could be she is in an unhappy marriage and is looking for a reason to blow it up. Could be she is just unstable and isn't thinking at all.

 

But the "why" doesn't matter. Still doesn't change the fact that you don't want to be a cheater and risk losing your gf. Still doesn't change what you need to do.

 

 

What 'system' would you put in place to put this to bed? Any hints or tips?

[NTV]

If your husband can't trust her why could you?

[Logan787]

I think all of this "attraction flirting, and she acts like she may like me", are all in your head and you just need to let it go.

[pteromom]

What 'system' would you put in place to put this to bed? Any hints or tips?

 

Take her out of your phone.

 

If she texts you something regarding work, respond only about that topic.

 

If she texts you flirting or seeking attention, do not respond.

 

If she comes to you and asks why you didn't respond, tell her it is best to just keep your relationship professional.

 

If you get bored at work, do something else. Something you could do with your gf standing right beside you.