A friendship fading

[Lex30]

I have had a platonic friend for 4 years, we've been pretty close and we have confided in each other often. I am 30 and she is 28.

 

For about a month she had been pretty flaky, not responding to text messages for 2 to 4 days at time and always saying she was too busy, etc, always had an excuse not to hang out. So I just decided whatever, wasn't going to push the issue, if she didn't want to talk/hang out anymore I'd just move on.

 

Then like nothing happened, she starting texting, calling and making plans to hang out once or twice a week again. Instead of addressing the issue, I just went with the flow. Things were normal for a few months and then this behavior started up again for 3 weeks. Then she started texting me again except this time I didn't respond at all for a little over a week because I was annoyed. Well after I responded she asked what was up with the me not responding etc. So I told her, I was annoyed with her behavior, told her not responding to texts for days was rude and it was clear she didn't want to hang out at all. She apologized for this and said she had a stretch of busy with work and some commitments.

 

Since this conversation she's been cold to me, we haven't hung out in weeks, she rarely texts me and I have done the same.

 

So trying to figure out what happened? I literally have not acted different at all, haven't said anything about her negatively to mutual friends, etc. I just don't get it.

 

I'd hate to lose a close friend but I really don't know what to do. I guess once you get into your late 20s you do realize its much harder find close, trusting friends.

 

So what should I do?

Edited September 15, 2016 by Lex30

[JewelD]

Well she's probably reconsidering your friendship. She said she was busy so that means she was busy. What reason would she have to lie to you?

 

and then ignoring her for a week to 'get back at her'? Petty. If you don't like the way someone is acting, address it with them upfront. If they continue, then stop contacting them.

 

People are busy and it sounds like you put too much pressure on her.

[Lex30]

Well she's probably reconsidering your friendship. She said she was busy so that means she was busy. What reason would she have to lie to you?

 

and then ignoring her for a week to 'get back at her'? Petty. If you don't like the way someone is acting, address it with them upfront. If they continue, then stop contacting them.

 

People are busy and it sounds like you put too much pressure on her.

 

I probably should have elaborated a little more on my initial post. During the times she claims was "busy" she was checking/tagging in places on facebook and posting pictures of being out a number of times with various (some mutual) friends. It was clear that she really wasn't too busy. I should have added that, but that's basically why I got annoyed and acted the way I did. I have no clue why she would want to lie about it.

 

You are totally right, I should have been upfront and ignoring her to get back was pretty childish. Bad move on my part.

 

The not texting me back for 4 days (happened alot) after I texted her irritated me. I often have stretches were I am real busy with work etc. But I will always get back to someone the same day unless they text me late at night. I guess when you value a friend, you want to get back to them. Am I wrong for thinking that why?

[stillafool]

Apparently your friendship does not mean as much to her and hers does to you. It seems like she is trying to give you the slow fade. I wouldn't contact her anymore if I were you and wait and see if she contacts you for a get together. If she doesn't well she's moved on to new friends. Hey, it happens. Also stop spying on her on FB as that won't make you feel any better.

[JewelD]

I probably should have elaborated a little more on my initial post. During the times she claims was "busy" she was checking/tagging in places on facebook and posting pictures of being out a number of times with various (some mutual) friends. It was clear that she really wasn't too busy. I should have added that, but that's basically why I got annoyed and acted the way I did. I have no clue why she would want to lie about it.

 

You are totally right, I should have been upfront and ignoring her to get back was pretty childish. Bad move on my part.

 

The not texting me back for 4 days (happened alot) after I texted her irritated me. I often have stretches were I am real busy with work etc. But I will always get back to someone the same day unless they text me late at night. I guess when you value a friend, you want to get back to them. Am I wrong for thinking that why?

 

So she was out with other people. That still counts as being busy. I had a friend who I only talked to once or twice a month. We were close but we both had busy lives and not a ton to discuss on a daily basis. I'd see her on fb tagging her other friends and hanging out but I didn't take it as a personal insult.

 

I have certain friends I'll text everyday, but sometimes we dont text for several days or for a week. If whatever you have to say is important, then call, don't text.

 

What do you text her about? If the convo is dry that might be reason you don't get a quick response. Regardless, you want a certain level of communication that she's not giving you. Do you have other friends? When one is busy, I just talk to someone else in the meantime.

 

I don't think it's that big of a deal but you're both being passive aggressive and making it awkward. Call her and ask if she wants to hang out.If she says no and doesn't try to schedule another day, let the friendship go.

[stillafool]

I too have friends (really good ones) where we don't talk but once a month or so and may not see each other for several months and neither of us get angry about it. We have busy lives.

[preraph]

Friends tell me they're too busy regularly because they are and so am I. But that's the thing. Instead of ignoring a set of texts, if you know you're too busy to mess around with texts or to get together, you should say, Hey, I'm overloaded right now - I'll call you in a couple of weeks.

 

But since you're never squawked before, she had no idea it bothered you. Notice she squawked right away first time you did it back to her. So she doesn't sit quietly by stewing and addresses the issue head on. Now you know.

[Lex30]

Regarding the facebook posts, I wasn't stalking her page, just would notice her posts/tags on my news feed. I get that busy could mean many things including hang out or plans with friends that aren't me.

 

It was a very sharp change from her constantly initiating text conversations with me everyday to not doing so at all both times things went cold so to speak. Normally if I have texted her, regardless, she'll respond within a few hours at latest. I don't expect friends or family to text back immediately or even within a few hours, but within the day I feel is expected. Also she usually is pretty adamant on making plans each week, then its gone to nothing on her end and she am too busy when I suggest them. So we go from texting daily, making plans every few days to none of that for over a month, then things are back to normal for a few months then back to this again.

 

Texts are about everything you can think of from personal stuff, to funny stuff, to things that happened in the past, political stuff, movies, music etc. Normal best friend conversations. A few times when she hasn't responded in 4 days were texts asking if she wanted to catch dinner or coffee or a fitness class this week. One time I was texted her my father had to go to the ER, didn't hear back in 3 days. Another time I was asking her how her car was doing since repair work she got done, nothing for 4 days.

 

If its fading then its fading but I think I have a right to be sad over it or at least an attempt to fix whatever the issue is. I'll walk away from it, but I would prefer not to. When we talked about things, I asked if there was something I did or said that may have upset her, outside of my childish not responding to her text for a week, she said there was nothing.

Edited September 15, 2016 by Lex30

[Lex30]

Friends tell me they're too busy regularly because they are and so am I. But that's the thing. Instead of ignoring a set of texts, if you know you're too busy to mess around with texts or to get together, you should say, Hey, I'm overloaded right now - I'll call you in a couple of weeks.

 

But since you're never squawked before, she had no idea it bothered you. Notice she squawked right away first time you did it back to her. So she doesn't sit quietly by stewing and addresses the issue head on. Now you know.

 

Thanks for that, I agree with exactly what you said. If I am really busy, I'll always send a quick text saying "hey busy with X, I'll get back to you later."

[preraph]

But see, that's why you need to demonstrate that you have standards and boundaries and limits in general and not just go along with everything in any relationship. Or else what respect will they have for you and giving them the benefit of the doubt, why would they have any reason to think it bothered you? You need to not be a doormat or wait until you're really mad before you say something. Call people out in a civilized way as you go along and don't let it get to be a big deal.

[Lex30]

But see, that's why you need to demonstrate that you have standards and boundaries and limits in general and not just go along with everything in any relationship. Or else what respect will they have for you and giving them the benefit of the doubt, why would they have any reason to think it bothered you? You need to not be a doormat or wait until you're really mad before you say something. Call people out in a civilized way as you go along and don't let it get to be a big deal.

 

I agree with this. With most people I'd be upfront with something they are doing that bothers me. In a case of her, I guess I just let it slide because we've been close for a long time and figured at first it was a funk. Obviously now I regret not saying something when it first started.

 

There is a definitely a civilized way to call out someone, I think I will have to do this in the next few days. I'd rather talk to her in person then call her out via text, but seeing how cold she has been to me, its not looking like in person may be an option. I'll give it a shot and if things get worse or don't change, I'll walk away from it for awhile.

 

Thanks you've been quite helpful

[preraph]

Good luck with it. Texts can seem very cold, so certainly a phone call would be preferable or in person. Even email would be easier than text.