Fiance got a lap dance WITH touching at friend's bachelor party...

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Strippers get paid in tips. The no touching rule is there to protect them if some creep gets carried away. But truth is strippers will literally grab your hands and put them on their asses and what not. They will try their best to get the guy into it so he buys another dance. That is how it really goes. They are working for a tip!

 

Also his brother is a douche for squealing. He broke the Vegas rule.

 

You said you were OK with the strippers, but now you are upset about it. Seems kind of silly to me. But whatever, You are certainly entitled to your feelings.

[elaine567]

He knows how upset I am. I've been moving out to the couch to sleep every night and I also threw the clothes he was wearing out in the dirt in the yard because I am cleaning his nasty stripper clothes. I told him I feel betrayed and disrespected and sadly he's been a complete wreck. And has apologized profusely and has said it will never ever happen again and he will NOT have strippers at his bachelor party. I believe that he's sorry and feels he screwed up but I just need more time to be hurt.

 

I honestly am unsure whether you are ever going to get over this. In your eyes he cheated basically.

He is no longer the person you thought he was, unfortunately.

 

I know the stripper was naked, was he also naked/underpants, did he say?

Some of these "in private" bachelor parties can be pretty wild, no one books one of these, to sip wine and nibble on snacks.

Don't beat yourself about how you should have perhaps laid down some ground rules, before he went, because I guess it would not have made one whit of a difference anyway.

[MJJean]

Why should anyone "raise the bar" just because you don't agree with certain boundaries in a relationship? That's not your decision to make.

 

My husband went to some bachelor parties when he was much younger. He has told me that he is so over that scene. The fact that my husband went to a strip club doesn't make him a bad or low class person. He's a wonderful husband.

 

If the OP was uncomfortable with her fiance going to a bachelor party in Vegas, she should have made her feelings known before he left. It's easy to figure out what can happen at a bachelor party beforehand....particularly if the party is being held in a city known for a thriving sex industry.

 

It seems like a lot of women put up with behavior they don't like because of the boys will be boys and there's nothing you can do about it type thinking. I'm saying raise the bar. Don't accept maleness and "that's just what happens" as an excuse for poor behavior.

 

Dh has been to the titty bars. Hell, he's "dated" a chick for a few months who was an ex stripper/prostitute. I don't think he's a bad guy. He was young and single and free to do as he pleased. But there is a difference between young and single and free and being in a committed relationship where certain standards of behavior are generally expected unless otherwise agreed upon beforehand.

 

I think most engaged or married people would agree that a man putting his hands on another womans breasts and azz and then watching her have sex with another woman a few feet away is generally unacceptable unless the couple have some sort of agreement.

 

Should OP have expected this? I think so. I think it's a rare man that would behave better than that on a bachelor trip to Vegas, of all places. But that doesn't change the fact that her fiance behaved badly.

 

Gotta love the double standards!

I can't believe people are still clutching pearls over strippers in 2016.

You would think that the OP's fiance went to a brothel and paid to have sex with another woman.

 

It's not the strippers so much as the physical contact and live sex show.

 

I love how all the female posters are experts at these things. Unless they were/are a stripper, then how would they know?

 

Did the fiancee engage in some tacky, boorish behavior...sure. Was it cheating...IMHO...no. I view cheating as any activity that results in mutual arousal...I doubt highly the stripper was digging it for the merits of the act...instead, she was paid., and he touched her breast...so what. This is definitely a gaffe that needs to be addressed, but a deal beaker? Nah....if it was, have of the currently married men would be in trouble. Get over it, or good luck finder another man that hasn't done something similar.

 

Actually, I have had stripper friends and two friends who worked as prostitutes to finance their legit business. I, myself, have been to the titty bars either giving dancers a ride or hanging out with friends. I currently have a friend that goes to a certain boobie bar and pays for oral every 6 months becuase he's single and likes it that way. I got no quarrel with what consenting adults do, unless one of them is violating the trust of an SO.

 

There is a difference between finding a man who hasn't done something similar and finding a man that hasn't done something similar during his relationship with you. Single guys are free to do whatever. Guys in committed relationships aren't. For most women, touching another womans bare breast and azz would be considered cheating. And men can't claim they don't know that.

 

If the chick being paid for sexual contact means it doesn't count, then hiring hookers for sex would also be on the table. Paid or not, sexual contact is sexual contact.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Amazingly diverse opinions, guys.

 

I agree that it may seem silly for me to be upset about touching the stripper but it is what it is. To me a lap dance is a strictly hands off event. That's how it is in most places and that's what I thought a lap Dance was. Touching isn't even allowed at most strip clubs so it's not something I even considered. I think getting a fun lap dance in front of your friends is a hoot but once you start groping it becomes an entirely different animal.

 

We JUST got engaged not even a month ago and that's what makes this particularly upsetting. It wasn't even his bachelor party. I feel like the fact that none of the other engaged or married guys got a lap dance or touched a stripper and he was the only one - well, it makes me feel embarrassed and sick. They were respecting their partners, but he wasn't?

 

I think this comes down to a respect and consideration issue. From my perspective its a jerk move.

 

 

 

This assures that you have no idea what a lap dance entails.

 

I can only imagine the stripper hovering there - like the guy on Jonny Quest.

 

 

You should go to most strip clubs and/or most places before you state for everyone just what "most" lap dances are about.

 

Not only that, but to believe that your guy was the only one in the gathering who (even got anywhere near to a stripper) is rather absurd as well.

 

 

As for this issue, you should just drop it forever, because it's really your own future that you're threatening to un-do because of it all.

[elaine567]

Not only that, but to believe that your guy was the only one in the gathering who (even got anywhere near to a stripper) is rather absurd as well.

 

 

That was not what was said at all. The Bachelor got a lap dance too, but the fiancé was the only other married/engaged guy to get a lap dance.

 

NONE of the other married or engaged guys (besides the bachelor of course) got lap dances or touched a stripper and he was the only one.

Edited September 16, 2016 by elaine567

[JewelD]

Amazingly diverse opinions, guys.

 

I agree that it may seem silly for me to be upset about touching the stripper but it is what it is. To me a lap dance is a strictly hands off event. That's how it is in most places and that's what I thought a lap Dance was. Touching isn't even allowed at most strip clubs so it's not something I even considered. I think getting a fun lap dance in front of your friends is a hoot but once you start groping it becomes an entirely different animal.

 

We JUST got engaged not even a month ago and that's what makes this particularly upsetting. It wasn't even his bachelor party. I feel like the fact that none of the other engaged or married guys got a lap dance or touched a stripper and he was the only one - well, it makes me feel embarrassed and sick. They were respecting their partners, but he wasn't?

 

I think this comes down to a respect and consideration issue. From my perspective its a jerk move.

 

Well you obviously detest strippers and haven't actually had a lapdance so why would you assume you know what it entails?

 

There are plenty of places where you CAN touch the strippers. Even when they're on stage, you can slide a dollar bill across their ass and stick it in their g-string. Of course the rules become a bit more lax when you're in a private space, and yes, a hotel is private.

 

If you truly believe that nobody else got a lapdance or touched a stripper besides your fiancee and the groom, you need a reality check. You weren't there and it's really not your business what anybody else was doing anyway.

 

Your fiancee's brother must be pissed at him over something else because there's no way in Hell a man is going to willingly snitch on his brother/close friend to his partner over a lap dance at a bachelor party. I'm sure a few of them were getting it in, too, but what reason would he have to tell you about his own actions or those of men you are not in a relationship with?

 

You can continue to be mad at him, but even you seem to realize there's not much point in it. He was honest. He said he was sorry. You apparently never said anything to him about the 'rules' for a bachelor party. Throwing his clothes around and sleeping on the couch like he went out and started a whole family behind your back?Overdoing it. That's not going to make him feel any more guilty, it's just going to make him question if that's the type of response he wants to deal with any time you don't approve of something he does.

[Gemma1]

I've watched my H get lap dances before, and they often involve touching. There is a no touching rule to protect the girl, but she will often allow it or even encourage it if she wants to.

 

Based on what you've said recently, you are being a major drama queen. Especially considering you were ok with him having a lap dance, so this is just about the fact that he touched her instead of just her touching him, which is something that SO easily and often happens in the moment. You allowed the lap dance. The extremely minor infraction of him touching her during the dance is just that - an extremely minor infraction.

 

You're reaction is a bit crazy. It's the reaction I would expect from someone who forbade lap dances and strippers entirely. I would be so confused if I were your fiancé, and would be getting mad at you at this point. It makes no difference that you just got engaged a month ago, and it makes absolutely no difference that he was the only one to get a lap dance. Did you tell him beforehand he could only have one if other guys did? You're just building up a case against him in your head and grasping at straws to do so, because you are hurt and trying to justify that hurt and the infraction is so minor.

 

I'm not saying he did nothing wrong. He did. He even lied about it. But this is something that You should chalk up to a learning experience and a good time to set clearer boundaries and move on. You really need to address the lying, but unfortunately your over the top reaction to this is going to make it harder for him to be honest in the future.

[central]

IMO, let this event go. Then, discuss with him your mutual expectations for each other when it comes to strippers, flirting, opposite-sex friendships, friendships (real life and/or facebook) with exes, and related topics. This will build intimacy and mutual standards for behavior, etc., which you'll both observe going forward. So, this is an opportunity to get those things settled, so they aren't ever a problem later.

[VeveCakes]

I'm sorry but in what world is a naked chick grinding on your man and him with his hands all over her NOT cheating?

 

So if he did it with a girl he met at the bar it would be cheating but in this case not because she is a stripper? OK then....logic, out there anywhere?

 

I would be bothered by the live sex show too. I have seen one at a strip club here and let me tell you, those are not just the strippers involved. The one I saw brought the bachelors onto the stage, she gave them all a dildo and they all lined up to have sex with her with the dildos on stage. I mean, if my fiance did this it would be the end for me. This was in small town Ontario...I can only imagine what the sex shows in Vegas were like.

 

Sorry OP, your man having a naked chick grinding on him and his hands all over her? Yeah, it is cheating. If he wanted a lap dance he could have easily sat there hands off...but I even think a lap dance in a hotel room is inappropriate for an engaged man. It says a lot about his morals.

[Satu]

For me, any kind of sexual interaction with another woman is cheating, wether paid for or not, wether admitted to, or not.

 

The same applies to male sex workers, of course.

 

Those are my boundaries.

 

Anybody else can set their boundaries wherever they like, and I am ok with that.

[elaine567]

I'm sorry but in what world is a naked chick grinding on your man and him with his hands all over her NOT cheating?

 

So if he did it with a girl he met at the bar it would be cheating but in this case not because she is a stripper? OK then....logic, out there anywhere?

 

I have to agree.

There is no logic here.

 

You come home to find some naked stripper grinding on your husband's penis whilst he gropes her.

Him: Its OK dear, she gets paid to do this kind of thing and I just paid her $40.

YOU: OMG I am so relieved, I thought for a minute you were cheating on me, carry on. Spaghetti for tea sound OK?

[Art_Critic]

I want to know why the brother of a guy you just got engaged to would throw his own brother under the bus that quickly..

Something isn't right...

 

How well do you know the brother ?

[jen1447]

OP,

Something doesn't quite jell with your BF's story.

 

Usually it's the groom who gets the (private) lap dance and the other guys pay for it. But he's telling you that he was the only one who got a lap dance and he had to pay for it himself ?

 

Eh, at private bachelor parties, everyone gets a lap dance (or 4). The groom thing is just the initial 'show' where he sits in a chair in the middle of the room like a dope and looks embarrassed while a stripper crawls all over him for 5 minutes and everyone hoots at him.

 

I really can't figure out OP's fiance's brother btw ....total bro code violation. No one just throws their own brother under the bus like that unless they actually want to destroy them - or did you waterboard him or sth?

[Osmium13]

Depends on how open-minded you are about these things I guess, plus how secure you feel in your relationship. If you can't bear the idea of your man in the presence of a naked woman and he knows that, it's probably fair to consider it cheating. More fool him for choosing a woman so insecure and paranoid!

[elaine567]

I want to know why the brother of a guy you just got engaged to would throw his own brother under the bus that quickly..

 

But he didn't really did he?

She had already got the story from the fiancé, she then tried to tie up the loose ends with the brother, and the stories didn't match up.

 

Maybe the brother was trying to protect the other married /engaged guys there and got into a pickle when it then looked like his brother was the only one of them to get a lap dance.

[elaine567]

Depends on how open-minded you are about these things I guess, plus how secure you feel in your relationship. If you can't bear the idea of your man in the presence of a naked woman and he knows that, it's probably fair to consider it cheating. More fool him for choosing a woman so insecure and paranoid!

 

Come on now it is not JUST in the presence of naked women...

[VeveCakes]

Depends on how open-minded you are about these things I guess, plus how secure you feel in your relationship. If you can't bear the idea of your man in the presence of a naked woman and he knows that, it's probably fair to consider it cheating. More fool him for choosing a woman so insecure and paranoid!

 

yeah this is uncalled for. I sure as hell am not insecure but I also respect myself enough to not have a man who is in Vegas groping another woman. He wasn't just in the presence anyways, he was involved. Regardless, why do they need to be around other naked women...its a respect thing. Has nothing to do with paranoia and insecurity....and more to do with a mans ill regard for his partner.

[JewelD]

If you dont like it, that's your concern and your choice. It doesn't mean those of us who dont consider a lap dance cheating dense individuals.

 

That being said, just because you dont know about it doesnt mean your man never does it. He probably just doesnt tell you. If you dont want your man around a stripper, by all means, tell him not to go to a bachelor party in the first place. Dont tell him its cool and then interrogate him and his friends afterwards. That IS insecurity. Especially if youre going to stay with him anyway.

 

And strippers isnt a "boys thing", there are plenty of male strip clubs frequented by single and married women. Now if a dude got pissed at his gf about going, would we be telling him she's a filthy tramp for even going? Of course not.

 

Strippers arent random chicks at bars, theyre a fantasy. They do the things your man/woman cant or wont. Theres no feelings involved, unless you go there to fall in love and those feelings are rarely reciprocated.

 

Its so nasty and yet your daddy went, your grandaddy went, your great grandaddy, uncles, cousins, etc.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The weirdest part of this story is the brother's behavior.

 

IMHO the vibe that I get is that OP wasn't really as cool with the whole lap dance/stripper thing like she portrayed. Many women want to be perceived as non-jealous and cool girlfriends so they push their own feelings down and allow men to do things they are not really comfortable with. Then you have the straw that broke the camel's back behavior with the touching. I think it's not the guy's fault. You should be clear about your boundaries upfront and watch out for building up resentment.

[MightyPen]

This exact thing happened at my bachelor party. My fiancee hit the roof, wanted me to throw away my clothes, etc. But just as with OP, she had never communicated what she's not comfortable with, and knew we were going to a strip club.

 

That being said, there's a line somewhere right?

 

I mean, obviously if the OP had performed sexual intercourse with the stripper, that would be cheating, right?

 

A blow job would be cheating, right?

 

Him performing oral sex on her would have been cheating, right?

 

So what about them both totally naked with his hands all over her..well at some point it crosses over the "cheating" line back into the "it's okay" area, but who's to say where that is? Ultimately such a grey area needs to be communicated by the parties in the relationship.

 

I would say, as advice to young couples, draw VERY CLEAR boundaries WELL in advance. It's very difficult for a dude having a naked or almost naked woman writhing all over him, giving him a huge boner, to think clearly about, "Okay so exactly what is okay here?" It's not the sort of thing you can ad lib on the spot.

 

And I guess it comes down to "what are the foreseeable elements of a lap dance?" but lap dances are all somewhat different, and what people anticipate they might look like will very WIDELY. Again, draw detailed boundaries BEFORE anyone has a naked woman on his lap.

[MJJean]

Depends on how open-minded you are about these things I guess, plus how secure you feel in your relationship. If you can't bear the idea of your man in the presence of a naked woman and he knows that, it's probably fair to consider it cheating. More fool him for choosing a woman so insecure and paranoid!

 

He wasn't in the presence of naked women. He was in a hotel room foldling a womans breast and buttocks while she wriggled all over his lap. Then he watched her and a different woman have sex with each other using their mouths and dildos. That's a LOT more than merely being in the presence of a naked woman at some strip club.

 

It's not insecurity to say "I respect myself and have value. These are my boundaries. If you don't think I am worth living by these boundaries, you're free to ease on down the road and I"ll find another man who does."

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

yeah this is uncalled for. I sure as hell am not insecure but I also respect myself enough to not have a man who is in Vegas groping another woman. He wasn't just in the presence anyways, he was involved. Regardless, why do they need to be around other naked women...its a respect thing. Has nothing to do with paranoia and insecurity....and more to do with a mans ill regard for his partner.

 

Except this man was given the blessings from his SO to go ahead and go! I'm cool with the strippers.

 

Then suddenly she isn't. Sounds like mixed signals to me. Or a failure on her part to communicate the boundaries. Or both.

[hippychick3]

Except this man was given the blessings from his SO to go ahead and go! I'm cool with the strippers.

 

Then suddenly she isn't. Sounds like mixed signals to me. Or a failure on her part to communicate the boundaries. Or both.

 

Yes, because she TRUSTED him to make good decisions that would reflect his loyalty and respect for her. She didn't expect he would cross those boundaries. Most men who are respectful of their partners would not need to be told, "hey, btw, please don't grope a naked women as she sits on you and grinds you."

[TrustedthenBusted]

He crossed a line and had sexual contact with another woman. Period. He cheated.

 

If you understood how completely meaningless a lap dance is to most of us you wouldn't feel this way. Lap dances are about as intimate as getting your car washed, despite how they look.

 

When done in a room full of people, it's more about making your buddy's laugh and hoot and holler than about wanting to get physical with Cinnamon, or Mercedes or whatever poor girl is crawling around the room in her panties.

 

Seriously, it's nothing.

[elaine567]

Except this man was given the blessings from his SO to go ahead and go! I'm cool with the strippers.

 

Then suddenly she isn't. Sounds like mixed signals to me. Or a failure on her part to communicate the boundaries. Or both.

 

Trouble was her interpretation of strippers was a lot more about nice naked ladies and a bit of innocent guy "fun", than about what actually goes on in private Bachelor parties.

So yes she may have consented, but she didn't know exactly what she was consenting to.

Now she has good idea, and she is hurt and disgusted.

Edited September 16, 2016 by elaine567
typo