Fiance got a lap dance WITH touching at friend's bachelor party...

[Driver]

My fiancé and I have been together for five years and we just got engaged about a month ago. We have a good and honest relationship, he very kind and respectful of me, and I've never felt like he has ever truly "wronged" me. That is, until he went to his friend's bachelor party in Vegas this last weekend.

 

On Saturday night he texted me and told me he got his first lap dance. Thought it was a little weird that he paid 40.00 for a lap dance. I was a bit annoyed but we had talked about it and I knew it would likely happen.

 

When he came back on Sunday he was acting a little weird so I grilled him for more details. He basically said they were all wasted all weekend and he got six hours sleep he entire weekend. He said they got private strippers in their hotel room where he got the lap dance in front of all the other guys. He said the lap dance was kinda gross and he didn't want strippers at his bachelor party. He said all the guys were pressuring him and he just went with it. He also told me all of the guys (including him) pulled their money together and the two strippers did a live porn show, complete with dildos and cunnilingus and everything. Disgusting. Anyway, it was gross but I thought it was nice that he was honest with me.

 

If you days went on and I was kind of in disbelief that he participated in all of this but I really didn't say anything because, well, that's what happens a bachelor parties. I finally got the nerve to ask him if he touched the stripper because the more I thought about it I realized it was possible. At first he said with a sheepish look on his face "no" and when I called him on it he admitted that during the dance he touched her breasts and butt. I later talked to his brother and he said there was absolutely no pressure on my fiancé - that he did this willingly and NONE of the other married or engaged guys (besides the bachelor of course) got lap dances.

 

So he had a COMPLETELY naked woman grinding on his junk with her boobs and butt in his face and he touched her. First of all I feel absolutely embarrassed that we just got engaged and his friends are seeing him act like that, it makes me feel like a chump and totally not honored or respected. It's a weird feeling because he has never once made me feel that way and I've never dreamed that he would ever do something like this. Secondly I am disgusted but he would touch another woman. It is one thing to get a lap dance. Sure, I don't like it but it happens. It's another thing to touch a woman's breasts and butt while she's grinding on you completely naked. Third I almost feel like if I hadn't asked if he touched her, he would have conveniently gone on with Our life together without telling me. There's something unsettling about that.

 

I tried making up with him but for some reason I'm still so angry about it. :-( I feel so angry and insecure and disrespected. I don't know if I have a right to be this mad and I don't know where to go from here. How do I get past this?

[JewelD]

It's a bachelor party. In Vegas. What did you think was going to happen? If you had rules you wanted him to follow, you should have said something beforehand.

 

I think it's odd that you're okay with the lapdance but not the touching. So it's okay if the strippers breasts and butt touch his junk and chest and face but if his hands touch her at all, it's a problem?

 

He probably wouldn't have told you. I'm sure he knew you wouldn't like it. Just like the bachelor probably isn't going to give his wife a play by play of what went down that night.

 

He got drunk and had fun that didn't involve him having sex. and he told you what happened. I also wouldn't take his brother at face value, maybe nobody else paid for a lap dance, but I highly doubt they were all just standing there twiddling their thumbs and thinking about their partners at home. If that was the case, why would they even bother going?

 

You can ask your fiancee not to do it again, but I wouldn't dwell on it. It was a stripper being paid to do her job who he will never see again. She's not a threat to your relationship.

[BettyDraper]

It's a bachelor party. In Vegas. What did you think was going to happen? If you had rules you wanted him to follow, you should have said something beforehand.

 

I think it's odd that you're okay with the lapdance but not the touching. So it's okay if the strippers breasts and butt touch his junk and chest and face but if his hands touch her at all, it's a problem?

 

He probably wouldn't have told you. I'm sure he knew you wouldn't like it. Just like the bachelor probably isn't going to give his wife a play by play of what went down that night.

 

He got drunk and had fun that didn't involve him having sex. and he told you what happened. I also wouldn't take his brother at face value, maybe nobody else paid for a lap dance, but I highly doubt they were all just standing there twiddling their thumbs and thinking about their partners at home. If that was the case, why would they even bother going?

 

You can ask your fiancee not to do it again, but I wouldn't dwell on it. It was a stripper being paid to do her job who he will never see again. She's not a threat to your relationship.

 

I agree. A stripper is not a threat to a relationship unless sex occurs.

 

My brother once asked me how I feel if he and my husband went to a strip club. He was shocked I wouldn't care. As long as my husband was not regularly going to strip clubs, I wouldn't mind if he had a little fun by groping a stripper occasionally. That setting is meant for such behavior.

 

I admit that I would feel differently if my husband was touching the breasts and ass of a woman who does not dance naked for money.

 

Now, I understand that this issue is very polarizing and every woman has a different opinion of her partner interacting with strippers. However, it takes honesty for a man to admit to such antics when he knows his partner isn't going to like it.

[eightytwenty]

Its a bachelor party. I wouldn't worry unless he makes it habit of going to strip clubs. Touching boobs and a butt isn't really a big deal. Unless the woman isnt a stripper. Weird how rules change.

[MJJean]

He crossed a line and had sexual contact with another woman. Period. He cheated. It doesn't matter if it was in Vegas at a bachelor party and the chick he cheated with was getting paid for it, he cheated. He willingly touched another womans breasts and butt in an overtly sexual way and then watched her have sex with another woman right in front of him.

 

I think the reason you're still angry is that his actions and attempt to blame shift ( The other guys made me..), minimize (I only did a little), and trickle truth (his borther had to tell you? really?) have made you question spending your life with this man. And you should.

 

BTW, this kind of stuff doesn't happen when you're involved with a man who doesn't patronize titty bars or go to parties where there will be strippers. Jesus, ladies, raise the bar!

[Arieswoman]

OP,

Something doesn't quite jell with your BF's story.

 

Usually it's the groom who gets the (private) lap dance and the other guys pay for it. But he's telling you that he was the only one who got a lap dance and he had to pay for it himself ?

 

And he said he was pushed into it, yet they said there was no pressure.

 

Hmmmm.......

 

Personally I think there's more to this than meets the eye.

 

And what's all this cr@p about "batchelor parties" anyway? How old are these guys?

 

And I agree with MJJean, no guy of mine would be going to this sort of trashy place.

[Osmium13]

That's what happens, I wouldn't take it to heart.

 

Last time I went on a stag do (British equivalent of batchelor party) I think I had 4 or 5 different ladies grinding away on my lap over the course of the night. It all felt rather mechanical tbh. Certainly not very sexy. I remember the first girl almost destroyed my knee against the table - and her arse was a bit smelly

[ShatteredLady]

My husband didn't want "all that kind of stuff" at his stag party. In England it's pretty common to hire strippers (male or female) for 21st birthdays etc. These strippers don't get naked & don't grind (not the ones I've seen in pubs anyway!). That happened to my H on his 21 & he hated it, found it embarrassing & mortifying (as many do).

 

NOT all men get lap dances at these things. I've talked about it with male friends & some acquaintances. Some like it, some REALLY like it! Some find strip clubs a waste of money, others find it awkward & embarrasing.

 

Strip clubs are FAR more common & 'normal' in the USA though.

 

My husband had his stag party at a music festival, camping for the weekend. They were all completely wasted the whole time. Some guys put money together to get a woman to have sex with my H. He walked off into the field with her & realized no-one else was coming with & then he realized what was going on. He didn't have sex with her or do anything else.

 

To be honest I was offended that anyone would do that!! Pay for my H to cheat a couple of weekends before his wedding!! GROSS!! My best friend is male. He was there, VERY wasted, he 'lost it' when my H left with her & walked home (8 hours in the middle of the night) he was so offended & concerned about ME!

 

NOT ALL MEN think that sort of thing is anything but offensive & WRONG!

 

Anyway, my H gave her & 'the guys' the reason that he couldn't do anything because he was so wasted & wouldn't be able to perform. To be honest that did upset me. Why couldn't he have the balls to say "I didn't because IT'S WRONG!"?

 

 

Some members will post here "Boys will be boys!", "It's ONLY a stripper!" & the child's excuse for so many things "EVERYONE does it!".

 

As I said, I'm English & I've NEVER known people go to strip clubs at lunch time before I move to the USA. We don't have 'Hooters' & strip clubs aren't as common. Most people I know at home have never been to one or went when on vacation to Vegas or Amsterdam. I know women who have gone to see what it's like. I'd go with my H for that reason.

 

I would be mad as hell & VERY disappointed in my H if he put cash on stage or in a g-string, let alone paying for a lap dance!!! I consider it pathetic really.

 

Different cultures & different people have different views on these things. If you're the kind of woman who would want her man to be one of those at the back drinking, laughing, talking & NOT participating or ogling then be with that kind of man!!

You seemed fine with him having a lap dance. He was one of the men who wanted to do that & you were ok. Being very drunk & in that atmosphere I can see that it's not that far down a slippery slope. He's sat there with a naked woman whose done a live sex show grinding on him....not a HUGE difference between her putting her boob on him & him touching it!!

 

I agree it's about boundaries but once you've reached the point that you're married or getting married there is an assumption that you BOTH know your expectations & boundaries when it comes to sexual situations.

I bet there were at least 1 or 2 guys that left the room or sat at the back & didn't watch. I bet there was also at least 1 who payed extra to go all the way.

 

Is your partner always easily led? Is peer pressure an issue for him? Has he frequented strip clubs in the past? Not all the men participated. He chose to. In his favor he told you what was going on & what he did. Only you know how you really feel about his behavior & moral compass.

 

Some women go with their H & buy him a lap dance as a 'treat', while some would divorce over it. Most are somewhere in the middle. Who are you & who is your intended? Is he the man you thought he was? Can you just forget about this? How do you truly judge his actions?

 

I went to Amsterdam with my girl friends for a week as my 'hen party'. We're all different.

[BettyDraper]

He crossed a line and had sexual contact with another woman. Period. He cheated. It doesn't matter if it was in Vegas at a bachelor party and the chick he cheated with was getting paid for it, he cheated. He willingly touched another womans breasts and butt in an overtly sexual way and then watched her have sex with another woman right in front of him.

 

I think the reason you're still angry is that his actions and attempt to blame shift ( The other guys made me..), minimize (I only did a little), and trickle truth (his borther had to tell you? really?) have made you question spending your life with this man. And you should.

 

BTW, this kind of stuff doesn't happen when you're involved with a man who doesn't patronize titty bars or go to parties where there will be strippers. Jesus, ladies, raise the bar!

 

Why should anyone "raise the bar" just because you don't agree with certain boundaries in a relationship? That's not your decision to make.

 

My husband went to some bachelor parties when he was much younger. He has told me that he is so over that scene. The fact that my husband went to a strip club doesn't make him a bad or low class person. He's a wonderful husband.

 

If the OP was uncomfortable with her fiance going to a bachelor party in Vegas, she should have made her feelings known before he left. It's easy to figure out what can happen at a bachelor party beforehand....particularly if the party is being held in a city known for a thriving sex industry.

[Osmium13]

My husband didn't want "all that kind of stuff" at his stag party. In England it's pretty common to hire strippers (male or female) for 21st birthdays etc. These strippers don't get naked & don't grind (not the ones I've seen in pubs anyway!). That happened to my H on his 21 & he hated it, found it embarrassing & mortifying (as many do).

 

NOT all men get lap dances at these things. I've talked about it with male friends & some acquaintances. Some like it, some REALLY like it! Some find strip clubs a waste of money, others find it awkward & embarrasing.

 

Strip clubs are FAR more common & 'normal' in the USA though.

 

My husband had his stag party at a music festival, camping for the weekend. They were all completely wasted the whole time. Some guys put money together to get a woman to have sex with my H. He walked off into the field with her & realized no-one else was coming with & then he realized what was going on. He didn't have sex with her or do anything else.

 

To be honest I was offended that anyone would do that!! Pay for my H to cheat a couple of weekends before his wedding!! GROSS!! My best friend is male. He was there, VERY wasted, he 'lost it' when my H left with her & walked home (8 hours in the middle of the night) he was so offended & concerned about ME!

 

NOT ALL MEN think that sort of thing is anything but offensive & WRONG!

 

Anyway, my H gave her & 'the guys' the reason that he couldn't do anything because he was so wasted & wouldn't be able to perform. To be honest that did upset me. Why couldn't he have the balls to say "I didn't because IT'S WRONG!"?

 

 

Some members will post here "Boys will be boys!", "It's ONLY a stripper!" & the child's excuse for so many things "EVERYONE does it!".

 

As I said, I'm English & I've NEVER known people go to strip clubs at lunch time before I move to the USA. We don't have 'Hooters' & strip clubs aren't as common. Most people I know at home have never been to one or went when on vacation to Vegas or Amsterdam. I know women who have gone to see what it's like. I'd go with my H for that reason.

 

I would be mad as hell & VERY disappointed in my H if he put cash on stage or in a g-string, let alone paying for a lap dance!!! I consider it pathetic really.

 

Different cultures & different people have different views on these things. If you're the kind of woman who would want her man to be one of those at the back drinking, laughing, talking & NOT participating or ogling then be with that kind of man!!

You seemed fine with him having a lap dance. He was one of the men who wanted to do that & you were ok. Being very drunk & in that atmosphere I can see that it's not that far down a slippery slope. He's sat there with a naked woman whose done a live sex show grinding on him....not a HUGE difference between her putting her boob on him & him touching it!!

 

I agree it's about boundaries but once you've reached the point that you're married or getting married there is an assumption that you BOTH know your expectations & boundaries when it comes to sexual situations.

I bet there were at least 1 or 2 guys that left the room or sat at the back & didn't watch. I bet there was also at least 1 who payed extra to go all the way.

 

Is your partner always easily led? Is peer pressure an issue for him? Has he frequented strip clubs in the past? Not all the men participated. He chose to. In his favor he told you what was going on & what he did. Only you know how you really feel about his behavior & moral compass.

 

Some women go with their H & buy him a lap dance as a 'treat', while some would divorce over it. Most are somewhere in the middle. Who are you & who is your intended? Is he the man you thought he was? Can you just forget about this? How do you truly judge his actions?

 

I went to Amsterdam with my girl friends for a week as my 'hen party'. We're all different.

 

Wait a minute... All that talk about the strippers and lap dancing, then at the end you casually drop in that you went to a place commonly referred to as "The Sex Capital of Europe" for your Hen?

[BettyDraper]

Wait a minute... All that talk about the strippers and lap dancing, then at the end you casually drop in that you went to a place commonly referred to as "The Sex Capital of Europe" for your Hen?

 

Gotta love the double standards!

I can't believe people are still clutching pearls over strippers in 2016.

You would think that the OP's fiance went to a brothel and paid to have sex with another woman.

[Mrin]

This is not a big deal unless he has a habit of frequenting such establishments. The fact that he talked about it with you in advance and answered your questions truthfully if somewhat sheepishly actually is a plus. Also, on the pressure thing - not all pressure is overt and with guys chanting "do it!!" People can feel pressured to fit into a situation. Honestly, it is a bachelor party, in private, with strippers. What did you think was going to happen?

[standtall]

I love how all the female posters are experts at these things. Unless they were/are a stripper, then how would they know?

 

Did the fiancee engage in some tacky, boorish behavior...sure. Was it cheating...IMHO...no. I view cheating as any activity that results in mutual arousal...I doubt highly the stripper was digging it for the merits of the act...instead, she was paid., and he touched her breast...so what. This is definitely a gaffe that needs to be addressed, but a deal beaker? Nah....if it was, have of the currently married men would be in trouble. Get over it, or good luck finder another man that hasn't done something similar.

[hippychick3]

There seems to be some VERY diverse opinions here, so I suppose it is a very individual reaction.

 

I, personally, would consider it cheating. That's me. My bf will be going to a bachelor party next month, and I'm perfectly okay with him going to a strip club (no idea if he will be going to one or not). But, he knows that I would not be okay with a woman grinding on him let alone him touching her. That crosses all kinds of lines for me regardless if she is a STRIPPER or not! She's a woman. Period. The only woman that needs to ever be grinding on my bf is me.

 

Sorry, OP. I would feel the same way as you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I later talked to his brother and he said there was absolutely no pressure on my fiancé - that he did this willingly and NONE of the other married or engaged guys (besides the bachelor of course) got lap dances.

 

So much for "What happens in Vegas..." :eek:

 

days went on and I was kind of in disbelief that he participated in all of this but I really didn't say anything because, well, that's what happens a bachelor parties.

 

Actually, that's not what happens to everyone at bachelor parties. I've been to plenty of them and the guys invariably fall into two categories - "not for me" and "go for it". I'm in the former group so when the private room strippers arrive and the show begins, I'm out of there. Your BF was in the latter group, can pretty much guarantee he was a willing and enthusiastic participant in the fun.

 

I'll leave right/wrong to others...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gemma1]

I can totally understand not wanting your fiancé to have lap dances or go to strip clubs or whatever - that's all down to personal boundaries. What I don't understand is this arbitrary line you have drawn where it's ok if he gets a lap dance and has a woman grind herself all over him, but he touches her boobs or butt (which is touching him anyway - it's a lap dance after all) and suddenly you're up in arms.

 

Just kinda silly, if you ask me.

[Driver]

Amazingly diverse opinions, guys.

 

I agree that it may seem silly for me to be upset about touching the stripper but it is what it is. To me a lap dance is a strictly hands off event. That's how it is in most places and that's what I thought a lap Dance was. Touching isn't even allowed at most strip clubs so it's not something I even considered. I think getting a fun lap dance in front of your friends is a hoot but once you start groping it becomes an entirely different animal.

 

We JUST got engaged not even a month ago and that's what makes this particularly upsetting. It wasn't even his bachelor party. I feel like the fact that none of the other engaged or married guys got a lap dance or touched a stripper and he was the only one - well, it makes me feel embarrassed and sick. They were respecting their partners, but he wasn't?

 

I think this comes down to a respect and consideration issue. From my perspective its a jerk move.

[Satu]

snip

I think this comes down to a respect and consideration issue. From my perspective its a jerk move.

 

It would offend my sensibilities to know that he took part in something so vulgar and crass.

[Driver]

Also it's just so out of left field. He is 27 years old and has never been to a strip club in his life and never had any curiosity about it - or at least not that he told me about. This was his first stripper experience ever and he really went for it. Ugh.

[Arieswoman]

Driver,

I understand that you feel hurt and disrespected.

 

However, I think that it is more concerning that he originally lied about it and only admitted that he touched the girl when you pushed for more information.

 

As I understand it lap dances are usually $20 in the main club areas, (with no touching allowed) so did he get two? Or did he pay for one with "extras" in the private area.

 

I think you need to ask him these questions, but be prepared to get an answer you may not like.

 

The bottom line (excuse the pun) is that he put himself in a situation where he bowed to peer-pressure and allowed that to override his good judgement.

 

Now, what will happen if he gets in that situation again? Will he do the correct thing and walk out or will he get sucked in again? Do you want to spend the rest of your life together policing him?

 

And does he know how upset you feel about this?

 

Only you can answer these questions.

[Driver]

This did not occur in a public place - all 12 guys did this crap in a hotel room so I think that's why it cost 40.00... I guess it was considered private (even though this was on the couch in plain view of everyone).

 

The sad thing is according to his brother there was no peer pressure despite what my fiancé said. He did this willingly... I would've been totally fine with a fun dance in a "titty bar" but a dance in a hotel completely naked with touching seems completely different to me... I asked him why and he said "I never had a lap dance and just wanted to try for the first time."

 

He knows how upset I am. I've been moving out to the couch to sleep every night and I also threw the clothes he was wearing out in the dirt in the yard because I am cleaning his nasty stripper clothes. I told him I feel betrayed and disrespected and sadly he's been a complete wreck. And has apologized profusely and has said it will never ever happen again and he will NOT have strippers at his bachelor party. I believe that he's sorry and feels he screwed up but I just need more time to be hurt.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

I think your b/f's maths are a bit whacky - here are the usual prices;

 

Etiquette in Las Vegas Gentlemen's Clubs

[BettyDraper]

This did not occur in a public place - all 12 guys did this crap in a hotel room so I think that's why it cost 40.00... I guess it was considered private (even though this was on the couch in plain view of everyone).

 

The sad thing is according to his brother there was no peer pressure despite what my fiancé said. He did this willingly... I would've been totally fine with a fun dance in a "titty bar" but a dance in a hotel completely naked with touching seems completely different to me... I asked him why and he said "I never had a lap dance and just wanted to try for the first time."

 

He knows how upset I am. I've been moving out to the couch to sleep every night and I also threw the clothes he was wearing out in the dirt in the yard because I am cleaning his nasty stripper clothes. I told him I feel betrayed and disrespected and sadly he's been a complete wreck. And has apologized profusely and has said it will never ever happen again and he will NOT have strippers at his bachelor party. I believe that he's sorry and feels he screwed up but I just need more time to be hurt.

 

That reaction is a bit over the top. There is no reason to throw your fiance's clothes into the dirt as if the two of you are living in some tragic opera. The clothing can always be washed. If a man did that to a woman, there would be such an outcry on this website.

 

As for needing more time to be hurt, is that about feeling upset or do you feel the need to punish your fiance?

 

Why didn't you let him know what your boundaries were before the bachelor party?

[lucy_in_disguise]

As evidenced by the diversity of responses, the morality aspect of this is subjective. I agree with other posters that your specific boundary- comfortable with the dance, not ok with touching - is a difficult one to enforce, depending on the stripper/ club.

 

Regarding what the other guys may or may not have done - firstly, it shouldn't be relevant anyway, because everyone has different boundaries. Second, don't be so sure to believe what the other guys are saying. I'm sure your brother has your best interests at heart and doesn't intend to deceive you, but they were all wasted, and no one wants to be perceived as having pressured your bf after the fact.

 

If you were ok with the lapdance in the first place, I would let this one go and use it as an opportunity to have a broader discussion on boundaries with the opposite sex.

[Mrin]

That reaction is a bit over the top. There is no reason to throw your fiance's clothes into the dirt as if the two of you are living in some tragic opera. The clothing can always be washed. If a man did that to a woman, there would be such an outcry on this website.

 

As for needing more time to be hurt, is that about feeling upset or do you feel the need to punish your fiance?

 

Why didn't you let him know what your boundaries were before the bachelor party?

 

I am with you on this. This seems way over the top and if I were a newly engaged guy and my brand new fiancé was reacting like this I might have some second thoughts about whether I really wanted this for the rest of my life. I don't mean to scare you OP but when a guy gets engaged we often have this irrational worry that she's going to change. Like this was all some act.