jlove421 Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Hello. My boyfriend and I (both 25) have been dating for 4 years. We currently live together and have been for 2 years. He's such a great person, but he has a problem with pot. He smokes everyday, more than once a day and he has maxed out credit cards because he uses his cash to buy the pot. This upsets me because I feel that his habbit gets in the way of our future, especially when it comes to money. I would love to get married and buy a house and live comfortable. I feel like unless he stops, this isn't going to happen. He doesn't see it as a problem, and even worse, it seems that his parents don't have a problem with it either. A few months ago I mentioned briefly about my concern to his father with my boyfriend's money situation. His father's reply was "That's because he buys the good ****." I was really taken back by that and kind of left it alone. So I had an opportunity to speak with is mother about the topic and really didn't get in to it, but I told her that I needed to talk to her about something that's concerning me with her son. She asked me if it was his smoking and I said yes. This was almost a month ago and she hasn't asked me anything about it. Now, I can't say because I don't have children, but I would think that if someone said that to me about my child, I'd want to know. Again, I left it alone. I really felt that these two people could make a difference and I felt a little let down. To top everything off, just this past weekend we went away with his parents a couple who is friends with his parents. This other couple also smokes. I found it really disturbing when he told me that he smoked with them. A day or 2 later, I'm in the room where we are staying and the other couple and his mother leave the room across from mine smelling like pot. I got kind of quiet after that because I was really disappointed. Later that night The three of us went up on the deck (my boyfriend and his mother) and I leave for a second and when I come back he's getting ready to smoke in front of his mother. I was SO disgusted by this behavior. At him because I don't know why he would want to get high in front of his mother and at her because I think as a parent this is something that shouldn't be acceptable. All in all, I felt and am still feeling very alone because I feel like I'm the only one with the problem. I'm confused because I don't know what to do now. I'm so mad but at the same time so angry. sorry so long!
morrigan Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 This guy grew up in a pothead family. They're not straight parents, and they aren't going to be shocked the way your parents might be. There is a problem if your boyfriend is digging himself into a financial quagmire with his drug habits. Have you told him that you're worried about the debt that he's accruing and that it is affecting your relationship? I'll be honest and say that he's probably not going to give up smoking weed for you, he'll say he's not even mildly addicted to it. If he refuses to curtail his purchasing and spare his finances, you're going to have to accept this is the way things will be, or end the relationship if you don't want a future with this kind of guy.
Author jlove421 Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 I am definitely worried about his finances, especially because I'm really responsible and I know that I would be resentful if I had to cover most of the expenses due to his over spending. I do appreciate your advice. I've spoken to a few people and they've pretty much said the same thing, that I either have to accept it or move on. It's so black and white, but it's so hard at the same time. If money wasn't an issue, I don't know if I'd have such a big problem with it right now, but if we ever had children, I wouldn't want him to follow his parent's footsteps thinking that it's ok to watch his child do drugs.
cranium Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 originally posted by morrigan Have you told him that you're worried about the debt that he's accruing and that it is affecting your relationship? I'd approach him about these concerns. You shouldn't have to be responsible for debt he is accruing b/c of this habit. His debt, he's got to handle it. Pot itself is no big deal. It is not as addictive as cigarettes and has been proven to have medicinal qualities. Excluding the US, the rest of the planet is catching on and decriminalizing personal possession; take a look a Europe and Canada. Big tobacco, big liquor and the paper companies don't want it decriminalized in the US. I am not suggesting it is something okay to do in front of children. As an adult, however, I believe it should be treated like alcohol; legalize it for individuals over 21 and tax it. It wouldn't cost as much that way either.
morrigan Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by cranium I am not suggesting it is something okay to do in front of children. As an adult, however, I believe it should be treated like alcohol; legalize it for individuals over 21 and tax it. I agree. Jlove421, your bf probably assumes that since you've been with him 4 years, you are OK with how often he smokes and how much he spends. Just don't go into a marital situation where you would be held accountable for his debts or monthly bills. Basically you're going to have to decide if you still want to live with him or not. I know you love this guy, but you two don't seem to have the same view on lifestyles.
smile95 Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 If you plan on marrying this man, I would be concerned. Do you want to be working to pay off his drug debt on "your" credit cards? If he was rich, I would not see the big deal, but I assume he is doing cash advances for this? Do you smoke?
lvgrl Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 well, my boyfriend smokes as well. And Im sure that his parents know, I dont think they think its the best decision for him, but he is 25 and theres not much they can do.. But getting them to quit should not be your goal, just because he will feel as if you are taking something from him that is HIS, something that he does when he wants and how he wants..I have tried, didnt work.. But we have talked about him quitting, or at least slowing down, not smoking as much. He is okay with instead of buying what he usually does, to buying less. Its going to take a while, but hes still doing it, just not as much...actually what I did this week, he had bought some and then on tuesday he went back to work, I went in there and took some of it out and put it up, last night he was complaining that he didnt have much and last night was going to be his last bowl for this bag, and then i looked in our bank account to see that even if he wants to buy some, he cant... Just be patient with him, and speaking from someone who used to do it as well..Its not that its addictive..Thats not why people keep buying it, People just like the way it makes them feel, or they use it to help them sleep, or just to have a good time, but its more of a mind thing. Its alot harder to quit ciggerates rather than weed.
NiCoLe20 Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 have him grow his own plants. lol- just kiddin' i dont think he's gonna give up smoking right away.. it is going to take time and i also want to mention that your b/f is 25 so he's an adult and his parents smoke too so they figure its not a problem b/c he isnt a kid anymore. my boyfriends dad smokes with him too all the time. he buys him stuff now n then as well. as long as they're mature and responsible with their actions there shouldnt be a problem. but you said he maxed out all his cards because of this? he needs to buy less, and roll smaller joints, he will see an increase of $ sooner or later
Neptune Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Your boyfriend has an addiction problem. He may seek to overcome it tommorrow or never. Drug addiction, yes, pot is a drug, is a progressive and fatal disease. Pot is being compared on this thread to alcohol, which is also a drug. I know someone who maintained pretty good on alcohol until age 44 when they started sniffing coke and then progressed to smoking crack. Now living on the street at 54. You are young, don`t let anothers addiction problems bring you down, because you know what? They will drag you along with them if you allow it.
cranium Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Pot smoking is a progressive and fatal disease? Again, pot is not addictive like cigarettes, coke, crystal meth, etc... Marijuana is far less dangerous than alcohol or tobacco. It may be psychologically additive, but not physically additive like these other drugs.
Neptune Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Pot smoking is often part of the process of substance abuse or drug addiction. And drug addiction is a progressive and fatal disease. The problem is not the pot. It is the person and their addictive personality. Most pot smokers do not die of addiction. But guess what. Neither do most cocaine, heroin, or methamphetamine users. But for those with addictive personalities, t is progressive and fatal if they cannot quit. Most in fact do quit at some point and then go back to it. Because they are addictive personalities. Many have quit many times and then go back to it. It is the mystery of addiction. But they usually pick up right where they left off. Pot smoking is often the starting point for younger people with addictive personalities to progress to highly physically addictive drugs. Once they do thier lives are forever altered.
ljoc421 Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 I do not smoke. I did experiment when I was in high school and my earlier days in college. The problem with this issue between my boyfriend and I is that it was OK when he and I first started dating. My ex-boyfriend used to smoke and we used to get into fights about it all the time, granted I was younger, but we did argue. When my current boyfriend and I started dating there was a point in the very beginning where he said to me that if it was going to be a problem that he would stop because I already meant more to him than that. In the beginning he knew that I didn't like it, but I didn't make it an issue because I didn't want it to be an argument like it was with my ex. So I said to him that it wouldn't be a problem. I could kick myself in the but now! In answer to a question, he doesn't take out credit card advances or anything like that. He just used the credit card for things like gas or food because he needs the cash to buy pot. I am glad though, that everything we have is seperate...we have different bank accounts and all of our household bills are split 50/50. I do know from coming from a family of alcoholics that I nor anyone else can make him stop. He does have to come to a point in his life where he doesn't want it to be a part of his life.
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