Possibly falling for my friend, but worried about rebounding

[spiderlilies]

It's been 9 months since my ex broke up with me. Despite therapy, a lot of things to keep me busy, and very loving friends, my progress has been quite slow compared to others, but I think I've finally reached a significant turning point last week,. I went to my home country for a summer holiday and felt so much love and care from my family and friends, and it felt like I got a huge weight off my chest. Although I don't think I'll ever forgive my ex and his "friend" anytime soon, and I certainly don't wish them well, I'm able to put my ex and all the drama surrounding our failed relationship in the back of my mind a bit more.

 

But.. I think I'm falling for my good friend (let's call him Mike). I've known him for around 5 years. He's been very supportive of me and was consistently there for me during my darkest hours. During this most recent visit, we spent a lot of time together, to the point that our mutual friends (and even Mike's sister) started pointing out how we look good together. My parents are also quite fond of him, and they say they'd approve if we got together. (His family likes me too.) I always thought of him platonically (because, for most of the time that I've known him, I was with my ex, so of course I wasn't checking out other guys)... until recently. I've been thinking of him more often, but I'm not sure what my feelings are exactly. I'm not sure if they're still 100% platonic, and whether these feelings might be real or I'm just overwhelmed by the power of suggestion.

 

Whatever I feel, there are many things about him that I find attractive and admirable, and I agree with my family and friends that there are several reasons that we'd be compatible. I like how our family and friends are already on board with the idea, which means that a hypothetical relationship with him would have a strong support network on both sides. (Our long-term goals also align, because I do plan to return to my home country for good.) Thus, even if I might turn out to not have feelings for Mike now, I think he's someone I can definitely grow to love romantically, if that makes any sense. Also, I've found that when I'm about to think another angry thought, Mike suddenly flashes in my mind, almost instinctively, which makes me calm down.

 

My therapist said that just because my feelings might have suddenly changed because of people's suggestions doesn't mean that they're any less real. Still, I need time to figure out my feelings for myself, because being hasty will do none of us any good. I'm in no rush to jump into a new relationship anyway, and Mike said during a random conversation (a few months ago, before I had these feelings) that he's not interested in a relationship. This was a very vague statement, so I'm not sure if he meant right now, he's asexual, he's not interested in me, or what. (But it also got me thinking - if I do turn out to have romantic feelings for him, then what? Part of me is scared of experiencing the pain of unrequited love again. We could have all the compatibility in the world, but if Mike doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, then there's no point.)

 

In line with wanting to be careful, I'm wondering... how do I know that these feelings and thoughts are not me unintentionally using Mike to feel better and cope? I've tried reading some articles on signs of being a rebound. I can pinpoint specific qualities about Mike that I genuinely like and appreciate. I know about his flaws and I think I can live with them. I don't measure him up to my ex all the time, although of course there are times when I can't help but compare (e.g. how he's younger than my ex but is more mature). And shortly after the breakup, one of my coping mechanisms was fantasizing about meeting the perfect guy so that I could make my ex jealous and regretful, but that was just it - a fantasy, and yet it's never crossed my mind to use Mike to make my ex jealous.

 

I'd love to hear your ideas/insights on my situation and on rebounds. Thank you!

[preraph]

Here's what I recommend going forward with your new love interest. First and most importantly, do NOT think about this as "am I going to marry him?" That's putting the cart before the horse. Do not get all stressed out wondering if you're interested for the wrong reasons, because we are not talking about getting engaged or even making a commitment anytime in the next couple of years. Just go on a date with him. It is ONLY a date, and don't think of it as anything more. Do NOT let your parents crowd you into rushing into anything with him or anyone else. You move at your own pace and make clear to him that you are "dating" and that to you "dating" means just spending time with someone to see if you get along well and have mutual attraction. Don't give him the idea that once you go on a date, that this is a commitment of some sort or any exclusivity or any future promise.

 

A date is just a date, and that's to get to know someone. So stop being all intense and overthinking it and just go out and see how it goes. If you become physically attracted to him, then move it forward. If you are unsure about that after spending a few dates with him, then let him know you're more comfortable just remaining friends.

 

Your options are not marry/not marry. They are wide open and you can date and explore anyone you want and throw them back in the water if they aren't the right fit for you. Try to just have FUN! Good luck.