Me and my boss

[lftbehind]

I've been working for my boss for 9 months. I am M and he has a girlfriend, but he said that they were broken up earlier in the year. My M is bad and H cuts me down and says that he wants a divorce, but backs down. I like my boss a lot and enjoy talking to him and we are fairly close in age. We have texted and talked on the phone sporadically, but have gone periods of time where we didn't talk. He has been hot and cold. I went over to his apartment 1 time and we kissed some. He had said that he wanted to have sex. A few weeks ago we did have sex at his place and it was very good. I don't have it at home with my H. Me and my boss haven't talked much since then. I texted him some, but he didn't seem into talking and didn't reply much, so I haven't been doing it. Talked to him at work tonight and we had a good conversation, mostly about work. He texted me after work and was talking about watching porn when he got home. He said that he liked to think about and would like to watch me f-ing. He refers to us having sex as f-ing. He said that when we got together next time we could watch porno involving threesomes. When we were together before, he made a comment about how I might like a threesome and I said that I wouldn't. I don't know how to take those comments. Is he basically trying to make me his sex toy? I know it sounds funny, but that's what it feels like. I try to detach from him in my mind, but he keeps pulling me back in. What are some opinions on this?

[Grey Cloud]

I'm sorry to say but he is just using you. He is only interested in you for sex. He is also abusing the boss-employee relationship even if it is consensual on your behalf.

 

You are obviously unhappy in your marriage to entertain the thought of this man who is only interested in one thing! He is not the answer to your issues in your marriage. You need to either divorce him or go into MC if he is willing.

 

And also find another job ASAP and get away from this destructive relationship!

[elaine567]

You are vulnerable as your marriage is horrible and you are hungry for male attention.

This guy sees this, but does NOT want a relationship with you, he is not interested in chatting, bar about work, but is willing to use you for sex. He will use you to try everything he likes or he may think he will like, as he doesn't care one jot for you. You are the wayward wife who is willing to cheat on her husband, you are not relationship material to him, you are just fwb/fb material.

He is now grooming you to engage in threesomes.

He is your boss, so he may make it difficult for you to refuse no matter what he suggest you do for him sexually, once you get deeper into this.

Be very careful.

 

This is still at a fairly early stage so you need to pull back is my advice, and if he won't let you or tries to blackmail you or you are worried about your job, contact HR.

 

There are easier ways to get NSA sex if that is what you want, the fact he is your boss complicates things.

[aileD]

Why don't you just divorce your husband instead of cheating on him? Then you can be free to explore and find everything your H doesn't give you.

[Bufo]

I'm going to give credit where credit is due. Boss isn't whispering pretty little lies in your ears. Boss isn't future faking. Boss isn't dangling thoughts of future promotions or raises in front of you. By his actions and requests he is being about as honest as an OM can be.

 

That being said, do you understand that he isn't worth your time? He wants (excuse my language here) a f@ck buddy available at his beck and call to get his rocks off. A free hooker if you will.

 

If you are looking for a no strings attached sexual relationship

and certain you'll never develop feelings for him go ahead. You'd be that one in a thousand posting here. Office romances are doubly tough to handle. Read other threads here. When the A is over you still have to see and interact with Boss. What happens when he hooks up with a new OW?

 

Note that my comments don't involve your H. D him if you don't and can't love him. But don't go looking for an exit affair to give him reason to file for D

[Jersey born raised]

This has been going on since last year. Your MOM wants rough sex (which you supply) and is into BD/SM with him as the master. Now he wants a threesome. I assume it is with another woman.

 

This adultery is about ego. His feeling superior because others submit. It seems your ego has a need to be punished. For what? The two relationship's history you have shared you are abused. I've recently read a thread where the poster (a woman) is in the same situation. The exceptions being her MOM is a neighbor and hasn't finished grooming/training her. Although the first time they had sex (NOT intimacy) he got her blackout drunk and raped her.

 

In her case she has FOO snd CSA issues. She has been seeing a psychologist since childhood. Has attempted suicide multiple times in the past. She has been on meds most of her life and as a daughter. Does any of this apply to you?

 

You gave messy lady good advise on her last thread. The difference between the two of you is she claims she has a good husband. On her thread suggested a support group that you feit was very good. Go there when he comes back for more.

 

You feel trapped but there are battered shelters that provide both shelter and support. My next post will be a copy and pasted on note pad. Follow it.

[Jersey born raised]

How to leave an abusive marriage.

 

========================================

 

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.*

 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

 

 

Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.

 

Also check into legal aid in your area.

 

 

Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

 

Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.*

 

Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

 

 

your mail from the ‘safe address’

 

All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account

 

Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

 

Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,*

 

Car title, social security cards, credit cards,*

 

Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)*

 

Titles, deeds and other property information*

 

Medical records

 

Children's school and immunization records

 

Insurance information

 

Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s.*

 

Welfare identification

 

Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.

 

Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.*

 

Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

 

If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.*

 

Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.*

 

Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.*

 

You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.*

 

Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.

 

If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.*

 

Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.*

 

Hide an extra set of car keys.*

 

Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.*

 

Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.*

 

Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.*

 

Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.*

 

Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.*

 

Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

 

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*

 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving:*

 

Change your locks and phone number.*

 

Change your work hours and route taken to work.*

 

Change the route taken to transport children to school.*

 

 

Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.*

 

Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.*

 

Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.*

 

 

Call law enforcement to enforce the order.*

 

If you leave:*

 

Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.*

 

Change your work hours, if possible.*

 

Alert school authorities of the situation.*

 

Consider changing your children's schools.*

 

Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.*

 

Use different stores and frequent different social spots.*

 

Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.*

 

Talk to trusted people about the violence.*

 

Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.*

 

Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.*

 

Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.*

 

Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hi Iftbehind I'm back. Substitute sever abuse for violence. As always use what applies and use support groups to help you achieve what you need to do but cannot at this time.

[lftbehind]

I'm sorry to say but he is just using you. He is only interested in you for sex. He is also abusing the boss-employee relationship even if it is consensual on your behalf.

 

You are obviously unhappy in your marriage to entertain the thought of this man who is only interested in one thing! He is not the answer to your issues in your marriage. You need to either divorce him or go into MC if he is willing.

 

And also find another job ASAP and get away from this destructive relationship!

 

I feel like he might be using me for sex, but I feel like he likes talking to me, too. I know that I need to work out my marriage. I am so disconnected from my husband and he's been very verbally abusive to me. I don't make much money to live on my own. I'm scared of being alone, too. It's hard to get another job, but I'll look around for one.

[lftbehind]

You are vulnerable as your marriage is horrible and you are hungry for male attention.

This guy sees this, but does NOT want a relationship with you, he is not interested in chatting, bar about work, but is willing to use you for sex. He will use you to try everything he likes or he may think he will like, as he doesn't care one jot for you. You are the wayward wife who is willing to cheat on her husband, you are not relationship material to him, you are just fwb/fb material.

He is now grooming you to engage in threesomes.

He is your boss, so he may make it difficult for you to refuse no matter what he suggest you do for him sexually, once you get deeper into this.

Be very careful.

 

This is still at a fairly early stage so you need to pull back is my advice, and if he won't let you or tries to blackmail you or you are worried about your job, contact HR.

 

There are easier ways to get NSA sex if that is what you want, the fact he is your boss complicates things.

 

We talk about other stuff besides work and I like talking about work stuff, I learn a lot. I'm hungry for attention, but I don't chase him trying to get it. I will be careful and don't want to be in the position where I have to do sexual things with him and can't refuse. Guess contacting HR is a last resort. I'm not just looking for NSA sex, that's pretty easy to get. I do like hims

[lftbehind]

I'm going to give credit where credit is due. Boss isn't whispering pretty little lies in your ears. Boss isn't future faking. Boss isn't dangling thoughts of future promotions or raises in front of you. By his actions and requests he is being about as honest as an OM can be.

 

That being said, do you understand that he isn't worth your time? He wants (excuse my language here) a f@ck buddy available at his beck and call to get his rocks off. A free hooker if you will.

 

If you are looking for a no strings attached sexual relationship

and certain you'll never develop feelings for him go ahead. You'd be that one in a thousand posting here. Office romances are doubly tough to handle. Read other threads here. When the A is over you still have to see and interact with Boss. What happens when he hooks up with a new OW?

 

Note that my comments don't involve your H. D him if you don't and can't love him. But don't go looking for an exit affair to give him reason to file for D

 

He has made some comments indicating things could be different if I was single. I think that I'm more than a free hooker. You're right about it hard to have NSA sex. The woman especially almost always gets attached. It's hard to have to see OM every day when things go wrong. I have experienced that already some. I don't think that he's a player from what I've seen. I saw him at work for a while before I met him and started working in his department. I do need to settle things with my H.

[CarrieT]

I have a question. Is this a different affair partner than the one in this thread from a year ago?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/532004-new-here-my-story

[S2B]

MAKE YOU his sex toy? Honey, NOBODY can MAKE you do things.

 

It is what YOU ALLOW.

 

Stop allowing ANY of it.

 

 

Finish your marriage first if you're not happy. Proper order is key.

[lftbehind]

This has been going on since last year. Your MOM wants rough sex (which you supply) and is into BD/SM with him as the master. Now he wants a threesome. I assume it is with another woman.

 

This adultery is about ego. His feeling superior because others submit. It seems your ego has a need to be punished. For what? The two relationship's history you have shared you are abused. I've recently read a thread where the poster (a woman) is in the same situation. The exceptions being her MOM is a neighbor and hasn't finished grooming/training her. Although the first time they had sex (NOT intimacy) he got her blackout drunk and raped her.

 

In her case she has FOO snd CSA issues. She has been seeing a psychologist since childhood. Has attempted suicide multiple times in the past. She has been on meds most of her life and as a daughter. Does any of this apply to you?

 

You gave messy lady good advise on her last thread. The difference between the two of you is she claims she has a good husband. On her thread suggested a support group that you feit was very good. Go there when he comes back for more.

 

You feel trapped but there are battered shelters that provide both shelter and support. My next post will be a copy and pasted on note pad. Follow it.

 

I know that it seems like it from what I described, but OM doesn't seem to have a big ego about himself. I have spent too much time trying to figure him out and haven't been able to. I don't know how he wants the threesome. That's interesting about the grooming.

 

I read that thread from the other lady and it's very sad the way that he has treated her an hopefully she'll get help and be safe. I've had a physically abusive R in the past and H is verbally abusive. He's never hit me, but I'm not sure how he'd react if I talked about splitting up. I've had some depression, a lot over my situations and had some counseling. Don't think it helps much.

 

I did give messy lady good advice and I need to follow it, too. It's easier to give advice than follow it sometimes. Thanks for the good advice in your next post about safely leaving. I don't have much money and debt, which makes life harder.

[Quiet Storm]

Some guys have a double standard - it's OK for them, but not for you. You are married, regardless of the state of your marriage. Your circumstances make it easy to see why you were vulnerable, but many guys aren't going to be genuinely sympathetic to a cheating wife. He will happily participate in sexual activities, but likely won't want more. In addition, he may be worried your husband could find out, so he's probably limiting contact with you as much as possible.

 

By going to his apartment to have sex with him, he may have viewed your behavior as, "Well, I know why he treats her bad, she cheats on him", blaming you for the state of your marriage. Please know I'm not saying that this opinion is valid, as no one deserves to be abused. However, I think your willingness to have sex with MM led to him devaluing you. He's wrong to do that, but I think that's what likely happened here. He's viewing you as a sex partner only, not someone he would want a genuine relationship with.

 

It is a double standard, I know. He is cheating, too, and should realize that his actions are no better than yours. But unfortunately, assho!es like him don't care about being fair. MM like this will pursue a woman and then look down on her for falling for it.

 

You are already emotionally vulnerable due to the marriage, so you have to beware of men who will exploit that. Most men who want to cheat aren't looking for a great connection, they are looking for the easiest option. If you are aware of this, it will be much easier to recognize when a guy is manipulating you or exploiting your vulnerability.

 

Your main focus should be on ending your marriage. Since your husband is abusive, cheating on him will just give him more ammunition. Your safety could be at risk. Counseling will help to build your emotional strength and make a plan to leave.

[DKT3]

Some guys have a double standard - it's OK for them, but not for you. You are married, regardless of the state of your marriage. Your circumstances make it easy to see why you were vulnerable, but many guys aren't going to be genuinely sympathetic to a cheating wife. He will happily participate in sexual activities, but likely won't want more. In addition, he may be worried your husband could find out, so he's probably limiting contact with you as much as possible.

 

By going to his apartment to have sex with him, he may have viewed your behavior as, "Well, I know why he treats her bad, she cheats on him", blaming you for the state of your marriage. Please know I'm not saying that this opinion is valid, as no one deserves to be abused. However, I think your willingness to have sex with MM led to him devaluing you. He's wrong to do that, but I think that's what likely happened here. He's viewing you as a sex partner only, not someone he would want a genuine relationship with.

 

It is a double standard, I know. He is cheating, too, and should realize that his actions are no better than yours. But unfortunately, assho!es like him don't care about being fair. MM like this will pursue a woman and then look down on her for falling for it.

 

You are already emotionally vulnerable due to the marriage, so you have to beware of men who will exploit that. Most men who want to cheat aren't looking for a great connection, they are looking for the easiest option. If you are aware of this, it will be much easier to recognize when a guy is manipulating you or exploiting your vulnerability.

 

Your main focus should be on ending your marriage. Since your husband is abusive, cheating on him will just give him more ammunition. Your safety could be at risk. Counseling will help to build your emotional strength and make a plan to leave.

Let's face it, anyone who cheats is putting their life at risk, you simply never know how others will react to the betrayal.

 

As far as you double standard goes....well here is the difference in most cases, the MM is accomplishing his goal by getting p in v. While mw is allowing him to put p in v to accomplish hers.

 

Most often for him it is what it is, no intent for more, no real intentions on getting to truly know her, and absolutely no plans on changing the situation.

 

Not really a double standard because the standards and goals are different.

[Midwestmissy]

When I asked my wh (the boss) what was so attractive about the m/cow (his direct report), I expected him to say her eyes, her butt, her laugh. His answer was "she'd have sex with me. It wasnt about her, she could have been anybody."

 

It's not flattering to either of them. Just a big pile of mutual disrespect.

[DKT3]

When I asked my wh (the boss) what was so attractive about the m/cow (his direct report), I expected him to say her eyes, her butt, her laugh. His answer was "she'd have sex with me. It wasnt about her, she could have been anybody."

 

It's not flattering to either of them. Just a big pile of mutual disrespect.

 

Now the OW in your case would never believe your WH said this, she would force herself to think he was lying to you and he loved her. That is the real sad thing in many of these things, brains are shut off and bodies are being run purely on emotions.

[Midwestmissy]

They didn't love each other. Any illusions she may have had went away when she was fired and blocked. These were 2 manipulators trying to maximize a transactional relationship - which they would deny of course, because who wants to admit that? So they told each other how attractive and awesome they each were to legitimize the using. My husband was so self loathing - and like attracted like. I didn't figure this out, wh's therapy culled it out. And a light bulb appeared over wh's head, like a cartoon.

 

It makes sense to me now intellectually, my mother in law has never had a human interaction that didn't involve her getting something from the other party. She adored the mow because of all the smarm and flattery - "I adore you (mil) because look how awesome your son (wh) is!" ((Ew)). They're therapists btw. My mil for couples. Since they fired me as family PR rep, I feel freer - 28 yrs of being around to make mil look like a she had a family who respected her. She's a whole other thread.

 

Bottom line? Manipulators have been honing their craft since they were children. And they can spot the mark in every situation. Listen to your gut, it's never wrong. Then run.

[lftbehind]

I'm still talking to my boss on the phone and texting. We are communicating more than before. He was talking to a few other people and I was there. The 1 girl was talking about getting a piercing and he said something about his girlfriend getting one and showed a picture on his phone of her to this girl at work. I was right there and saw it. I asked him about having a girlfriend later and he and he said that he didn't, they had broken up a while ago. He said that he told people that he did, so they wouldn't try to set him up on dates. Should I believe him? He also made a comment about how it turned it on thinking that I had been with other guys before him, which is different. Maybe the threesome thing is so he could see me have sex with another guy. Has anyone else had this comment? I know I need to break away from this, but for some reason it's very compelling. R and sex with H is not good, which makes it hard to let go of OM.

[Miss Clavel]

I'm still talking to my boss on the phone and texting. We are communicating more than before. He was talking to a few other people and I was there. The 1 girl was talking about getting a piercing and he said something about his girlfriend getting one and showed a picture on his phone of her to this girl at work. I was right there and saw it. I asked him about having a girlfriend later and he and he said that he didn't, they had broken up a while ago. He said that he told people that he did, so they wouldn't try to set him up on dates. Should I believe him? He also made a comment about how it turned it on thinking that I had been with other guys before him, which is different. Maybe the threesome thing is so he could see me have sex with another guy. Has anyone else had this comment? I know I need to break away from this, but for some reason it's very compelling. R and sex with H is not good, which makes it hard to let go of OM.

 

if his lips are moving, he's lying. fact. he doesn't want to make love with you, even have NSA sex. he wants to watch men f*ck you. read that again.

 

he's the best you can get? oh, hell know.

 

i want to ask you, where is the bottom line for you? once you hit it, and anyone asking me to get f'ed by another man in front of the man i'm attached to is the bottom, are you going to keep falling? you have a threesome and then he brings in a donkey and a camera?

 

once you fall flat, someone is gonna come along and kick your teeth out. maybe your job, maybe your spouse, maybe some stranger this guy told that you would like to get f'ed and kicked. who knows.

 

stop.period. stop.

 

i know it's hard to give up the attention, but his attention is intention, to demean and debase you.

 

i wouldn't even sit next to him on the bus.

[kgcolonel]

Left

 

Your relationship and sex will never get better as long as you have another "love" interest present. This distracts from the energy you need to put into your M. It's only a matter of time before this blows up....please listen as this cannot end well for you.

[lftbehind]

if his lips are moving, he's lying. fact. he doesn't want to make love with you, even have NSA sex. he wants to watch men f*ck you. read that again.

 

he's the best you can get? oh, hell know.

 

i want to ask you, where is the bottom line for you? once you hit it, and anyone asking me to get f'ed by another man in front of the man i'm attached to is the bottom, are you going to keep falling? you have a threesome and then he brings in a donkey and a camera?

 

once you fall flat, someone is gonna come along and kick your teeth out. maybe your job, maybe your spouse, maybe some stranger this guy told that you would like to get f'ed and kicked. who knows.

 

stop.period. stop.

 

i know it's hard to give up the attention, but his attention is intention, to demean and debase you.

 

i wouldn't even sit next to him on the bus.

 

Although your tone is harsh, thanks for your reply. You're right I need to stop, but I can't totally stop talking to him, since he's a supervisor. It's hard to see how bad things are when you are in a situation sometimes. You want them to like you and see what you want to see. I'm not sure that he wants to actually see me with another guy, he has not come out and asked yet. That's what it sounds like, though.

[lftbehind]

Left

 

Your relationship and sex will never get better as long as you have another "love" interest present. This distracts from the energy you need to put into your M. It's only a matter of time before this blows up....please listen as this cannot end well for you.

 

You're right about needing to put energy into my M. It's bad and I need an escape and I'm lonely. I think OM is an escape and I keep thinking that he likes talking to me and likes me. I really wish that it hadn't started and when it ends, I hope that it doesn't blow up. I need my job right now.

[kiyoma]

I know I need to break away from this, but for some reason it's very compelling. R and sex with H is not good, which makes it hard to let go of OM.

 

Do you live and die for sex?

[lftbehind]

Do you live and die for sex?

 

No, but I would like it sometimes. I have tried to kill my sex drive, but I don't want to give it up.