Me and my boss

[lftbehind]

Like most people, I never imagined that I would cheat on anybody.

[Grey Cloud]

Why don't you leave your husband? Then you can get away from the verbal abuse and be free to see anyone you wanted?

 

By the way "phone running out of charge" is the oldest excuse in the book.

[lftbehind]

Why don't you leave your husband? Then you can get away from the verbal abuse and be free to see anyone you wanted?

 

By the way "phone running out of charge" is the oldest excuse in the book.

 

I don't make enough money and I have debt. I care about him, but not like I used to. I was hoping that we could reconnect, but I don't think it will happen. We used to be crazy about each other, but the way that he has treated me has made me lose feelings for him. I haven't had A until the past few years.

[ChickiePops]

Can you provide some examples of the abuse? Because right now it seems like you're with your husband because he pays your bills while you're out sleeping with whomever you want.

 

If anyone here is to give a fair assessment we would need to know the whole story..honestly, to me, at the moment, you are the bad guy.

[S2B]

If you REALLY want to see if your married other man cares about you and what you say/talk about = have him divorce his wife and marry you.

 

My best guess is that he will instantly stop seeing you.

[lftbehind]

If you REALLY want to see if your married other man cares about you and what you say/talk about = have him divorce his wife and marry you.

 

My best guess is that he will instantly stop seeing you.

 

He's not married.

[lftbehind]

Can you provide some examples of the abuse? Because right now it seems like you're with your husband because he pays your bills while you're out sleeping with whomever you want.

 

If anyone here is to give a fair assessment we would need to know the whole story..honestly, to me, at the moment, you are the bad guy.

 

This is a OM/OW forum. I'm not proud of myself, but don't appreciate being called a bad guy. Too tired right now to prove that I'm not one.

[S2B]

He's not married.

 

Then why don't you ask him to marry you if you divorce?

[lftbehind]

Then why don't you ask him to marry you if you divorce?

 

I haven't been seeing him that long and I wouldn't be ready to get married for a while.

[S2B]

Does your boss/OM date available women?

[elaine567]

You are in an verbally abusive marriage and your confidence is at an all time low. Along comes Mr Lover Lover who seizes the opportunity to use and abuse you sexually. Guys like this adore vulnerable married women, as they can manipulate them easily.

 

Every other strong, stable woman at work will have given him the brush off, but not you. You take it all in, you make all the excuses for him, you put up with just about anything to keep his attention focused on you, as you NEED him to keep you going.

Your reputation as the woman who will sleep with anyone, preceded you and Mr Lover Lover has taken full advantage.

He only needs to do the minimum here, and you come running, tongue slavering...

 

YOU can write all the love stories in your head about him, and your "relationship", but it is so obvious to all here, he doesn't care one jot about you. You are just FB material to him.

Until you get that into your head, then you are a lost cause.

He will ruin you in all ways possible and you are letting him...

 

You may be in a pickle with your marriage, but this guy is NOT the answer.

You may think in the back of your mind that you are lining him up for an exit affair - to seamlessly move from one relationship to another, (I am sure HE could pay off your debts too), BUT he will most likely drop you like a hot potato as soon as there is a hint of you leaving your husband. YOU are not relationship material to him just some promiscuous* women who comes over to his place on demand, for sex. (Do not confuse the odd chat, up to, during and after sex, with caring)

 

Do not be this man's "free prostitute" and sex toy, as that is what essentially you are here.

 

This is like watching a slow train wreck...

 

There is lots of help out there for women in abusive relationships.

Go join a self help group, if you are lonely and need to talk to someone about your woes with your husband.

Go get some real help.

Stop being the victim.

Do something proactive about your situation.

 

*("an ex-friend of mine told him that I had a few affairs before him. He told me that it turned him on that I had and he doesn't hold it against me.")

[spideywoman]

hi Left.

 

first off, i wish i could jump through the screen to give you a big hug. i sense that you're lost, alone and in need of a little guidance, support and companionship.

 

you have recognized that you have fallen into a destructive pattern and that it's important you get yourself out of it. that's a good first step. now try and figure out how you can start doing that. you mentioned you were close to your parents _ do they know that your H is verbally abusive to you? I can't imagine they wouldn't be OK letting you stay with them for a while until you get back on your feet. rely on them. perhaps a friend, relative with whom you can live temporarily? i really think you need to address your marriage and yourself first before even thinking about this other guy. if there's one "good" thing that comes out of an affair is that it forces you to take a look at your life _ not many people choose to do it because it's difficult and takes a lot of hard work, introspection and determination. i urge you to take this opportunity and start fixing things, little by little.

 

nothing is worth continuing to put yourself through what you have been doing. take your power back. forget about your boss before it gets any worse _ and it can. from what you have shared with us i don't think he cares about you and i don't think he gets any emotional satisfaction from your texts / talks. it really feels like he's using you for physical pleasure only. this can get really ugly. he's your boss, he can get even nastier, make your professional life even worse, maybe even cause you to lose your job. don't give him a second thought, be it as hard as it is.

 

step by step _ please don't ignore the comments and advice given to you here, even if some are delivered harshly. there's a ton of experience on this forum and we can all learn a lot from it.

 

stay strong. hugs.

[Ruffian1]

As you said, he is using you, essentially, as a free hooker.

 

He text and talks with you occasionally, cuz he knows he has to play the game to get the sex.

 

Honey, you need to see a counselor. Have you always had such low self-esteem? And stop blaming your H for your CHOICES.

 

You are using your H for income and AP is using you for sex.

 

What goes around comes around as they say.

[ChickiePops]

This is a OM/OW forum. I'm not proud of myself, but don't appreciate being called a bad guy. Too tired right now to prove that I'm not one.

 

I was asking for examples of abuse because that's how you're justifying being a serial cheater. It's a valid question.

[NTV]

I don't know what I can say that you will hear right now. Right now you sound lost, and I have been lost too. You aren't able to be honest with yourself because if you were that would mean changing a lot of things that you aren't ready to change right now.

 

Cheating doesn't help. Neither will drinking. You say you don't want to be a bad person. No one does. But what the folks pushing those things are working to do is to get you to face what your actions mean. It might feel like judgment but only you can judge yourself. If you knew that you were in the right then those words would roll off like water.

 

What I can say is that what helped me the most when I was lost was a journal. Would you be willing to try that?

[DKT3]

Can you provide some examples of the abuse? Because right now it seems like you're with your husband because he pays your bills while you're out sleeping with whomever you want.

 

If anyone here is to give a fair assessment we would need to know the whole story..honestly, to me, at the moment, you are the bad guy.

 

People have a hard time accepting responsible for their poor behavior so blame is placed on others. Just last week we had a ww posting about all the things her husband did wrong to justify her affair....husband finds her posts calls her out on not being honest about the state if the marriage and things he has "done". She has since been pretty silent on the site.

 

Sometimes you simply get a view through rationalization...I only did it because they....as a term I recently heard winning the breakup, it's done to sway people into empathy and convince themselves"hey I'm not the bad guy, I was drove to bad behavior"

[MidnightBlue1980]

People have a hard time accepting responsible for their poor behavior so blame is placed on others. Just last week we had a ww posting about all the things her husband did wrong to justify her affair....husband finds her posts calls her out on not being honest about the state if the marriage and things he has "done". She has since been pretty silent on the site.

 

Sometimes you simply get a view through rationalization...I only did it because they....as a term I recently heard winning the breakup, it's done to sway people into empathy and convince themselves"hey I'm not the bad guy, I was drove to bad behavior"

 

Sometimes it is rationalization but sometimes it is a person figuring out their state of mind and the steps that led him or her to where they are today. People tend to post here as a form of self discovery.

[lftbehind]

hi Left.

 

first off, i wish i could jump through the screen to give you a big hug. i sense that you're lost, alone and in need of a little guidance, support and companionship.

 

you have recognized that you have fallen into a destructive pattern and that it's important you get yourself out of it. that's a good first step. now try and figure out how you can start doing that. you mentioned you were close to your parents _ do they know that your H is verbally abusive to you? I can't imagine they wouldn't be OK letting you stay with them for a while until you get back on your feet. rely on them. perhaps a friend, relative with whom you can live temporarily? i really think you need to address your marriage and yourself first before even thinking about this other guy. if there's one "good" thing that comes out of an affair is that it forces you to take a look at your life _ not many people choose to do it because it's difficult and takes a lot of hard work, introspection and determination. i urge you to take this opportunity and start fixing things, little by little.

 

nothing is worth continuing to put yourself through what you have been doing. take your power back. forget about your boss before it gets any worse _ and it can. from what you have shared with us i don't think he cares about you and i don't think he gets any emotional satisfaction from your texts / talks. it really feels like he's using you for physical pleasure only. this can get really ugly. he's your boss, he can get even nastier, make your professional life even worse, maybe even cause you to lose your job. don't give him a second thought, be it as hard as it is.

 

step by step _ please don't ignore the comments and advice given to you here, even if some are delivered harshly. there's a ton of experience on this forum and we can all learn a lot from it.

 

stay strong. hugs.

 

Hi Spideywoman,

 

Thank you very much for your compassionate response, I really appreciate it. I am lonely and lost and need help. I realize that it can be a destructive R with my boss, but it's hard to get out of. My family knows that H has been verbally abusive to me. He's not like that all the time, though. Right now he's not being like that. I could stay with them, but not for long. The areas that we live in are very expensive to live in and I would probably have to move out of the area and get another job to afford to live. I want to fix things, it's so much to take on. I'm in my early fifties, which makes it harder to start over.

 

I do need to leave my boss alone and take my power back. I have felt that he enjoyed our talks and texts. When I'm with him, we get along so well. That's hard to give up. How do you think it would get worse and really ugly? I believe you, just want your opinion.

 

I am considering all of the advice on here, but there's no need for people to be so harsh in their messages. I'm know that I've made mistakes and I own them. I'll try to stay strong and hugs to you!

[lftbehind]

People have a hard time accepting responsible for their poor behavior so blame is placed on others. Just last week we had a ww posting about all the things her husband did wrong to justify her affair....husband finds her posts calls her out on not being honest about the state if the marriage and things he has "done". She has since been pretty silent on the site.

 

Sometimes you simply get a view through rationalization...I only did it because they....as a term I recently heard winning the breakup, it's done to sway people into empathy and convince themselves"hey I'm not the bad guy, I was drove to bad behavior"

 

I accept responsibility for my choices and behavior. My H had treated me poorly, though. Not making that up.

[lftbehind]

I don't know what I can say that you will hear right now. Right now you sound lost, and I have been lost too. You aren't able to be honest with yourself because if you were that would mean changing a lot of things that you aren't ready to change right now.

 

Cheating doesn't help. Neither will drinking. You say you don't want to be a bad person. No one does. But what the folks pushing those things are working to do is to get you to face what your actions mean. It might feel like judgment but only you can judge yourself. If you knew that you were in the right then those words would roll off like water.

 

What I can say is that what helped me the most when I was lost was a journal. Would you be willing to try that?

 

This post has been sort of a journal for me. I reread it trying to figure things out.

[lftbehind]

As you said, he is using you, essentially, as a free hooker.

 

He text and talks with you occasionally, cuz he knows he has to play the game to get the sex.

 

Honey, you need to see a counselor. Have you always had such low self-esteem? And stop blaming your H for your CHOICES.

 

You are using your H for income and AP is using you for sex.

 

What goes around comes around as they say.

 

I never said that he's using me as a free hooker, don't know how you thought that.

 

Not blaming my husband for my choices. He is not an innocent, though.

 

I make money, too. Not as much as H.

 

H has helped hurt my self esteem

[lftbehind]

You are in an verbally abusive marriage and your confidence is at an all time low. Along comes Mr Lover Lover who seizes the opportunity to use and abuse you sexually. Guys like this adore vulnerable married women, as they can manipulate them easily.

 

Every other strong, stable woman at work will have given him the brush off, but not you. You take it all in, you make all the excuses for him, you put up with just about anything to keep his attention focused on you, as you NEED him to keep you going.

Your reputation as the woman who will sleep with anyone, preceded you and Mr Lover Lover has taken full advantage.

He only needs to do the minimum here, and you come running, tongue slavering...

 

YOU can write all the love stories in your head about him, and your "relationship", but it is so obvious to all here, he doesn't care one jot about you. You are just FB material to him.

Until you get that into your head, then you are a lost cause.

He will ruin you in all ways possible and you are letting him...

 

You may be in a pickle with your marriage, but this guy is NOT the answer.

You may think in the back of your mind that you are lining him up for an exit affair - to seamlessly move from one relationship to another, (I am sure HE could pay off your debts too), BUT he will most likely drop you like a hot potato as soon as there is a hint of you leaving your husband. YOU are not relationship material to him just some promiscuous* women who comes over to his place on demand, for sex. (Do not confuse the odd chat, up to, during and after sex, with caring)

 

Do not be this man's "free prostitute" and sex toy, as that is what essentially you are here.

 

This is like watching a slow train wreck...

 

There is lots of help out there for women in abusive relationships.

Go join a self help group, if you are lonely and need to talk to someone about your woes with your husband.

Go get some real help.

Stop being the victim.

Do something proactive about your situation.

 

*("an ex-friend of mine told him that I had a few affairs before him. He told me that it turned him on that I had and he doesn't hold it against me.")

 

I've never seen him hit on any other women at work. I don't have a reputation and work and am not a flirt. I'm quiet. I've had a lot of guys hit on me there, but never got together with them. I have been doing too much to keep his attention on me an have become dependent on it.

 

It's hard to feel like he's just using me, when it feels so real to me. I don't think that I'm a prostitute. I know that I need to stop seeing him.

 

It feels like I'm in a slow train wreck.

[ChickiePops]

I accept responsibility for my choices and behavior. My H had treated me poorly, though. Not making that up.

 

Two wrongs do not make a right though. If someone is hurting you, you walk away..you don't turn around and hurt them, along with other innocent people, back.

 

I'd be much more understanding if this was your first affair but you are a serial cheater. The time for self discovery has come and gone..now you're just being willfully hurtful to others. You're no longer a victim, you are a volunteer.

 

I am sorry your husband is abusive. I hope you find the strength to leave him and find a nice, SINGLE man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

[DKT3]

I accept responsibility for my choices and behavior. My H had treated me poorly, though. Not making that up.

 

When one accepts responsibility there are no but or I only dids. Your actions are independent of your husband's actions. If I were to say I had a affair because my wife did is that taking ownership or shifting blame?

 

If it's true that you husband was as horrible as you say, then why reach out and put everyone else effected by the affair in the same despair?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I never said that he's using me as a free hooker, don't know how you thought that.

 

Not blaming my husband for my choices. He is not an innocent, though.

 

I make money, too. Not as much as H.

 

H has helped hurt my self esteem

 

I read through your whole thread. Ok. Usually this is where I say your story is like everyone else's - but it's not. This guy sounds really, really bad and it sounds like you are probably around my age, I would say in your 40s? I get the falling in love thing, that is what most of us go for, and I get the sexless marriage thing, that is a real issue for some marriages and people want companionship.

 

But this guy - your BOSS - has zero respect for you and I would bet he is telling other people in your work about this. Obviously he shouldn't but he does not sound very bright (since he is risking his job). I don't see anything remotely appealing about him, other than the sex which you say is really good. You can go get really good sex anywhere and you do not have to stoop to a guy (ahem, man - I bet he is over 50?) talking to you like that? I'm no prude but 3somes? No man who has any respect for a woman would suggest that. And he is grooming you to do it. Please, get away from this guy.

 

As for your H, terms like alcoholic and verbal abuse are vague and can be distorted to suit your reasons. I am asking so you think about it. Is your H being mean because he is just a mean SOB (been there) or is he being mean because there is a problem in your marriage and he doesn't know how to communicate? (been there). As for alcohol, is he a functioning alcoholic (like a lot of us)? Does he have a couple a night or is he drinking a bottle of vodka a night and passing out in a pool of his own drool on the couch? Again, different. The former is common and can be addressed like a bad habit, the latter, that is a disease.

 

Do you see where I am going?

 

What is going on with you that you keep having affairs in your marriage?