Me and my boss

[lftbehind]

I read through your whole thread. Ok. Usually this is where I say your story is like everyone else's - but it's not. This guy sounds really, really bad and it sounds like you are probably around my age, I would say in your 40s? I get the falling in love thing, that is what most of us go for, and I get the sexless marriage thing, that is a real issue for some marriages and people want companionship.

 

But this guy - your BOSS - has zero respect for you and I would bet he is telling other people in your work about this. Obviously he shouldn't but he does not sound very bright (since he is risking his job). I don't see anything remotely appealing about him, other than the sex which you say is really good. You can go get really good sex anywhere and you do not have to stoop to a guy (ahem, man - I bet he is over 50?) talking to you like that? I'm no prude but 3somes? No man who has any respect for a woman would suggest that. And he is grooming you to do it. Please, get away from this guy.

 

As for your H, terms like alcoholic and verbal abuse are vague and can be distorted to suit your reasons. I am asking so you think about it. Is your H being mean because he is just a mean SOB (been there) or is he being mean because there is a problem in your marriage and he doesn't know how to communicate? (been there). As for alcohol, is he a functioning alcoholic (like a lot of us)? Does he have a couple a night or is he drinking a bottle of vodka a night and passing out in a pool of his own drool on the couch? Again, different. The former is common and can be addressed like a bad habit, the latter, that is a disease.

 

Do you see where I am going?

 

What is going on with you that you keep having affairs in your marriage?

 

I'm 50, but people have said that they thought I was in my mid-thirties. My boss is 58. He's a private person and I don't think that he is talking about the A to anyone at work. He also wouldn't want to risk losing his job. He's working towards being a higher level manager and should get the promotion soon. I know that I need to get away from him. It's hard for me to see how bad things are when it makes me feel so good being with him. It helps to see how other people can see so clearly how the situation is bad.

 

H is an alcoholic, but is getting a little better. He is a functioning one and has a good job. One he starts drinking he doesn't stop, he has one after another drinks. He does it about once a week. A lot of our fights haven't been after he's been drinking. He acts like I don't do anything right and can't have my own opinions on anything. He will cut everything about me down. It's hard to explain how he acts. I don't enjoy being around him.

 

I do see where you're going

 

I don't want to keep having affairs. I have them to feel desirable and wanted and for companionship. There is no passion with H.

[S2B]

Men like your OM tend to have the capability to smell a vulnerable woman. They prey upon them and use them. They need an affair partner to be weak so they will do what they want.

 

But you are also a willing participant causing harm to yourself and to your marriage.

 

So you need to gain strength. How can we help you gain strength? You're going to need it for both situations...as you've ha see all your power to your husband (by not divorcing him when you're unhappy) and with the OM because you continue the unbalanced affair.

 

Have you seen a counselor? Can we help you become a strong woman?

[lftbehind]

Men like your OM tend to have the capability to smell a vulnerable woman. They prey upon them and use them. They need an affair partner to be weak so they will do what they want.

 

But you are also a willing participant causing harm to yourself and to your marriage.

 

So you need to gain strength. How can we help you gain strength? You're going to need it for both situations...as you've ha see all your power to your husband (by not divorcing him when you're unhappy) and with the OM because you continue the unbalanced affair.

 

Have you seen a counselor? Can we help you become a strong woman?

 

I know he's using me and I'm a willing participant. Unfortunately, the marriage was broken before the A, I'm not helping it, though. I wish that I could go NC, but I work with him and can't. I don't want to have A and reading everyones replies on here is helping me see reality better. I haven't seen a counselor. I don't know what they could tell me. I know that I need to work on my marriage. The feelings aren't there for H anymore.

[S2B]

Change is ONLY up to you. Change the things you can.

 

Work on the marriage? Why? Why not work on divorcing? Have you checked to see what an attorney would tell you would happen should you divorce?

[anika99]

I don't make enough money and I have debt. I care about him, but not like I used to. I was hoping that we could reconnect, but I don't think it will happen. We used to be crazy about each other, but the way that he has treated me has made me lose feelings for him. I haven't had A until the past few years.

 

 

It is sad that you are going on 50 yrs old and you have never done anything to address your problems and take charge of your own life. Instead you run away from your problems by sleeping with other men which does nothing but make things worse in the long run.

 

I've had a long term relationship with an alcoholic and I get how miserable that can be. I wasted a few years trying to make him stop drinking while blaming him for everything wrong in our relationship and in my life including my personal unhappiness. One day I woke up to reality and accepted that he wasn't my problem, I was my problem. It was my own issues and choices that led to me choosing to spend my life being miserable in a relationship with an alcoholic. It wasn't my alcoholic bf's fault that I choosing to be with him and be unhappy, that was entirely on me.

 

Once I started accepting responsibility for my own life like a grown up I realized I needed to take charge of myself and my life. I stopped focusing on my alcoholic bf and stopped trying to change him or fix him. I stopped blaming him for my unhappiness. I wasn't in a great position financially either but I started taking courses and eventually took a loan to go to school fulltime. I still held out hope that my bf would also choose a better life but he never did. I left shortly after I finished my schooling, still in a low paying job and now with a bunch of student debt. It took me years to pay off that loan and years to land a decent paying job. It wasn't easy but it was personally rewarding. Becoming financially independent and paying of that huge loan all by myself felt like an accomplishment I could be proud off.

 

It isn't your husband's fault that you have chosen this life for yourself. You and he are the same in that you both choose to lazily escape your problems rather than do the work of fixing your lives. He escapes into the bottle and you escape into affairs. It isn't your fault he drinks and it isn't his fault you cheat. Consider attending some Al-Anon meetings and/or getting some personal counselling. Learn about codependence and how to break free of it. Al-anon was a lifesaver for me.

[ChickiePops]

I know he's using me and I'm a willing participant. Unfortunately, the marriage was broken before the A, I'm not helping it, though. I wish that I could go NC, but I work with him and can't. I don't want to have A and reading everyones replies on here is helping me see reality better. I haven't seen a counselor. I don't know what they could tell me. I know that I need to work on my marriage. The feelings aren't there for H anymore.

 

First of all, it's not surprising that you have no feelings for your husband. All your feelings are going to the MM.

 

Second, you still have not addressed why you're staying in an abusive marriage, feelings or no feelings. If you divorced your husband, you could be with whomever you want (hopefully only SINGLE men though) without being a cheater.

[lftbehind]

Change is ONLY up to you. Change the things you can.

 

Work on the marriage? Why? Why not work on divorcing? Have you checked to see what an attorney would tell you would happen should you divorce?

 

I haven't talked to an attorney about what would happen if I divorce, yet.

[lftbehind]

It is sad that you are going on 50 yrs old and you have never done anything to address your problems and take charge of your own life. Instead you run away from your problems by sleeping with other men which does nothing but make things worse in the long run.

 

I've had a long term relationship with an alcoholic and I get how miserable that can be. I wasted a few years trying to make him stop drinking while blaming him for everything wrong in our relationship and in my life including my personal unhappiness. One day I woke up to reality and accepted that he wasn't my problem, I was my problem. It was my own issues and choices that led to me choosing to spend my life being miserable in a relationship with an alcoholic. It wasn't my alcoholic bf's fault that I choosing to be with him and be unhappy, that was entirely on me.

 

Once I started accepting responsibility for my own life like a grown up I realized I needed to take charge of myself and my life. I stopped focusing on my alcoholic bf and stopped trying to change him or fix him. I stopped blaming him for my unhappiness. I wasn't in a great position financially either but I started taking courses and eventually took a loan to go to school fulltime. I still held out hope that my bf would also choose a better life but he never did. I left shortly after I finished my schooling, still in a low paying job and now with a bunch of student debt. It took me years to pay off that loan and years to land a decent paying job. It wasn't easy but it was personally rewarding. Becoming financially independent and paying of that huge loan all by myself felt like an accomplishment I could be proud off.

 

It isn't your husband's fault that you have chosen this life for yourself. You and he are the same in that you both choose to lazily escape your problems rather than do the work of fixing your lives. He escapes into the bottle and you escape into affairs. It isn't your fault he drinks and it isn't his fault you cheat. Consider attending some Al-Anon meetings and/or getting some personal counselling. Learn about codependence and how to break free of it. Al-anon was a lifesaver for me.

 

That's good you got out of your bad relationship and went back to school. I don't know how I could start over right now. I have a lot of credit card debt that is going to take a long time to pay off. I don't make much. I'll look into Al-Anon.

[spideywoman]

Hi Spideywoman,

 

Thank you very much for your compassionate response, I really appreciate it. I am lonely and lost and need help. I realize that it can be a destructive R with my boss, but it's hard to get out of. My family knows that H has been verbally abusive to me. He's not like that all the time, though. Right now he's not being like that. I could stay with them, but not for long. The areas that we live in are very expensive to live in and I would probably have to move out of the area and get another job to afford to live. I want to fix things, it's so much to take on. I'm in my early fifties, which makes it harder to start over.

 

I do need to leave my boss alone and take my power back. I have felt that he enjoyed our talks and texts. When I'm with him, we get along so well. That's hard to give up. How do you think it would get worse and really ugly? I believe you, just want your opinion.

 

I am considering all of the advice on here, but there's no need for people to be so harsh in their messages. I'm know that I've made mistakes and I own them. I'll try to stay strong and hugs to you!

 

 

 

 

hi Left. sorry took me a while to get back to you.

 

firstly, this is how it could get worse. he will lose interest in you (and he will) and you will still not only have to work together, but you'll still be his underling. that comes with a whole new set of problems. he may blackball you. he may speak ill of you without disclosing your affair and tarnish your reputation. he may take solid steps to "manage you out" i.e. set the stage to get you fired. see? possibilities are endless.

 

you dismissed counseling _ how come? we can all benefit from counseling and i think you in particular need someone in your corner who will support you and help you manage your feelings and provide insight, even if it's a paid professional. having someone who is an expert at dealing with these types of situations and who will be able to guide you through your problems, addressing them and trying to fix them is nothing to sneeze at. i have been in therapy twice now over the past 10 years (including now) and i have found it to be life saver and very, very valuable because i am willing to do the work.

 

i don't think your mindset is there, though. and i wish you would be. sometimes we need to just make conscious decisions to overwrite and trump what our feelings are telling us. at the moment you're trying to find excuses because you're not ready to end the affair and to extricate yourself from your marriage. i am not suggesting you go to counseling to improve your marriage. i am suggesting counseling for YOU. from what you tell us you can't work on your marriage right now because how can you do that when you're married to someone who's an alcoholic and isn't getting help himself? you and he both need to acknowledge that problems exist first before you even start thinking about saving your marriage. someone suggested ALANON _ i think that's a great idea.

 

being with AP "feels good" before you're seeking validation from him. you're basing part, if not most, of your self worth on how he treats you, how often he texts you, he beckons you, etc. noone can be emotionally healthy while seeking approval from others. you need to validate yourself, you need to approve yourself. that's what i mean by making excuses _ "feels good to be with him," "i have too much cc debt i can't do anything" _ to remain in the cycle you're in because it's safe, it's comfortable, it's familiar. making changes is TOUGH but needs to be done.

 

so, i say this with compassion, stop making excuses, find that inner strength, and start making a plan and getting your ducks in a row. like i said you have to consciously DECIDE to do this even though to FEEL otherwise. start seeing a counselor first and be honest with your therapist. end the affair and stop letting him treat you like last week's trash. you deserve more than that. have you thought about cc debt consolidation? i did that years ago when i was in over my head and found that having one (big) bill to pay, little by little, was so much more manageable than having to face several every month. failing that, you can always declare bankruptcy. of course this is radical but there are options if you're TRULY willing to get yourself out of this cycle. your debt is just enabling you to remain where you are. tackle it. make a concrete plan and chip away at it. working at something _ counselling, clearing debt, etc. _ in an of itself is empowering since it gives you the feeling of control and that you're actively doing something. and also, start putting out feelers for another job. that will also make you focus on something else. and hey, maybe it'll be higher paying!

 

i don't know if this helps any. my point is you have options. you just need to want to take them and work at them to get the ball rolling.

 

it's never too late to start over and you're never too old to do it.

 

good luck, stay strong.

[LostDecades]

.... I have felt that he enjoyed our talks and texts. When I'm with him, we get along so well. That's hard to give up. How do you think it would get worse and really ugly?...It's hard to feel like he's just using me, when it feels so real to me. I don't think that I'm a prostitute. I know that I need to stop seeing him...I have a lot of credit card debt that is going to take a long time to pay off...I know he's using me and I'm a willing participant...I don't want to keep having affairs. I have them to feel desirable and wanted and for companionship... I have been doing too much to keep his attention on me an have become dependent on it...H has helped hurt my self esteem

 

lftbehind,

 

These are quotes from several of your messages. My purpose wasn't to take them out of their original context. Instead, it is meant to show you your thinking as reflected in various posts. NTV suggested keeping a journal and you said that this string was your journal and you would reread it.

 

These excerpts create a road map for you to begin to get a sense control and self worth. Please considering doing just *one* of the following items as a small step in regaining control:

 

1.Contact your HR department about counseling services available through your employee assistance program or your health insurance.

 

Counseling will help you with your feeling of self worth, low self esteem, and dependency on your affair partners' attention.

 

2. Obtain credit counseling service through your company employee assistance program, non profit organizations in the community, or your bank/credit card company.

 

This can assist you with options for debt consolidation and refinancing with a lower interest rate.

 

3. Ask your HR department for options for a reassignment to a different position in your current locations, or transfer to another geographic location.

 

4. Arrange for a free consultation with a divorce attorney to determine what divorce would look like for you financially based jointly held assets and debt.

 

Again, please chose just one of these at this time and follow through with it. Then you can select another one. Just take one small step at this time.

 

lftbehind, you had asked how your situation could "get worse and really ugly". Gently, you are trading sex for attention. You stated that you are "addicted" to sex with your supervisor. And he has stated that he is turned on by the thought of your having other affairs and being with other men. He is in a position of extreme control over you. If this control is coupled with his desire to see you with other men, your dependency on him, and your vulnerability due to low self worth, he could induce you into having sex with other men with and without him. You are vulnerable to agreeing to this in order to continue to receive his attention.

 

lftbehind, you must take one small step to begin to break this cycle. Otherwise the train wreck will continue.

[Bufo]

Most people actually survive their initial consultation with a lawyer. And it makes you more knowledgable. Knowledge =less fear of the unknown.

 

Solving your A problem isn't going to solve your marriage problem and vice versa. You have two problems that are independent problems.

 

See the lawyer to see whether you could survive divorce. Then decide what you want to do about your marriage. Listen to posters here about your A problem. Most who write about affairs have "been there and done that". Take advantage of their experience.

[S2B]

I haven't talked to an attorney about what would happen if I divorce, yet.

 

It's possible your H may have to pay you spousal support money. He would also likely be ordered to pay child support money too - until the kids are older.

 

And you may get him to pay a large portion of the debt... And if you own community property you might get half.

 

But you can't know unless you consult a professional.

[lftbehind]

hi Left. sorry took me a while to get back to you.

 

firstly, this is how it could get worse. he will lose interest in you (and he will) and you will still not only have to work together, but you'll still be his underling. that comes with a whole new set of problems. he may blackball you. he may speak ill of you without disclosing your affair and tarnish your reputation. he may take solid steps to "manage you out" i.e. set the stage to get you fired. see? possibilities are endless.

 

you dismissed counseling _ how come? we can all benefit from counseling and i think you in particular need someone in your corner who will support you and help you manage your feelings and provide insight, even if it's a paid professional. having someone who is an expert at dealing with these types of situations and who will be able to guide you through your problems, addressing them and trying to fix them is nothing to sneeze at. i have been in therapy twice now over the past 10 years (including now) and i have found it to be life saver and very, very valuable because i am willing to do the work.

 

i don't think your mindset is there, though. and i wish you would be. sometimes we need to just make conscious decisions to overwrite and trump what our feelings are telling us. at the moment you're trying to find excuses because you're not ready to end the affair and to extricate yourself from your marriage. i am not suggesting you go to counseling to improve your marriage. i am suggesting counseling for YOU. from what you tell us you can't work on your marriage right now because how can you do that when you're married to someone who's an alcoholic and isn't getting help himself? you and he both need to acknowledge that problems exist first before you even start thinking about saving your marriage. someone suggested ALANON _ i think that's a great idea.

 

being with AP "feels good" before you're seeking validation from him. you're basing part, if not most, of your self worth on how he treats you, how often he texts you, he beckons you, etc. noone can be emotionally healthy while seeking approval from others. you need to validate yourself, you need to approve yourself. that's what i mean by making excuses _ "feels good to be with him," "i have too much cc debt i can't do anything" _ to remain in the cycle you're in because it's safe, it's comfortable, it's familiar. making changes is TOUGH but needs to be done.

 

so, i say this with compassion, stop making excuses, find that inner strength, and start making a plan and getting your ducks in a row. like i said you have to consciously DECIDE to do this even though to FEEL otherwise. start seeing a counselor first and be honest with your therapist. end the affair and stop letting him treat you like last week's trash. you deserve more than that. have you thought about cc debt consolidation? i did that years ago when i was in over my head and found that having one (big) bill to pay, little by little, was so much more manageable than having to face several every month. failing that, you can always declare bankruptcy. of course this is radical but there are options if you're TRULY willing to get yourself out of this cycle. your debt is just enabling you to remain where you are. tackle it. make a concrete plan and chip away at it. working at something _ counselling, clearing debt, etc. _ in an of itself is empowering since it gives you the feeling of control and that you're actively doing something. and also, start putting out feelers for another job. that will also make you focus on something else. and hey, maybe it'll be higher paying!

 

i don't know if this helps any. my point is you have options. you just need to want to take them and work at them to get the ball rolling.

 

it's never too late to start over and you're never too old to do it.

 

good luck, stay strong.

 

I thought about how it could get worse and it was worse when I wasn't talking to him. I liked him and I would talk to him when he talked to me, but he basically ignored me. I'm pretty sure that he tried to get me moved out of his department, but I fought to stay there and I'm still there. He's not working there now, but will be 1 of the plant managers. Do you think that he would still try to get me fired if he lost interest in me and we weren't seeing each other?

 

I've been to counseling before and I might go again, not ruling it out. I'm short on money right now, though. That's good it has worked for you. I'll consider Al -Anon, too. I'm working on paying on my debt and might do cc debt consolidation.

 

Reading this thread over, I feel so dumb and sad for being in this A and letting him treat me and talk to me this way. It shouldn't feel good to be around him and I think that I have been seeing things how I want to see them. My thinking has definitely been shifting and I'm seeing reality. It hurts, but it's real. To me it's been real with him and I thought that I was special to him. I wanted to be.

 

I know that I need to sort out the marriage, too. It's so much to think about.

[lftbehind]

lftbehind,

 

These are quotes from several of your messages. My purpose wasn't to take them out of their original context. Instead, it is meant to show you your thinking as reflected in various posts. NTV suggested keeping a journal and you said that this string was your journal and you would reread it.

 

These excerpts create a road map for you to begin to get a sense control and self worth. Please considering doing just *one* of the following items as a small step in regaining control:

 

1.Contact your HR department about counseling services available through your employee assistance program or your health insurance.

 

Counseling will help you with your feeling of self worth, low self esteem, and dependency on your affair partners' attention.

 

2. Obtain credit counseling service through your company employee assistance program, non profit organizations in the community, or your bank/credit card company.

 

This can assist you with options for debt consolidation and refinancing with a lower interest rate.

 

3. Ask your HR department for options for a reassignment to a different position in your current locations, or transfer to another geographic location.

 

4. Arrange for a free consultation with a divorce attorney to determine what divorce would look like for you financially based jointly held assets and debt.

 

Again, please chose just one of these at this time and follow through with it. Then you can select another one. Just take one small step at this time.

 

lftbehind, you had asked how your situation could "get worse and really ugly". Gently, you are trading sex for attention. You stated that you are "addicted" to sex with your supervisor. And he has stated that he is turned on by the thought of your having other affairs and being with other men. He is in a position of extreme control over you. If this control is coupled with his desire to see you with other men, your dependency on him, and your vulnerability due to low self worth, he could induce you into having sex with other men with and without him. You are vulnerable to agreeing to this in order to continue to receive his attention.

 

lftbehind, you must take one small step to begin to break this cycle. Otherwise the train wreck will continue.

 

Hi LostDecades,

 

I do reread this thread and it's been reality check that I need.

 

The HR department at my work doesn't offer any employee services. I've considered counseling, but I'm short on money right now.

 

I'm working on paying my cc debt and want to look into credit counseling.

 

He'll be one of the managers over the plant, so he will have power over me, no matter what department I'm in. The other location is too far away.

 

The scenario about him getting me to be with other men would be bad. He said that he likes the idea of watching me with another man, because he wants to see me have enjoy myself and have pleasure. He said that he wants to have sex with me after he watches me with another man. He said that we would only do it if I wanted to. I told him that I didn't want to. I have wanted his attention, but I'm feeling bad that I put up with this treatment from him. He should just leave me alone if he doesn't care for me.