Ex gets mad about no contact. What is on her mind?

[Asterix]

She came to talk because she wasn’t over her ex and could not make up her mind. This wasn’t our first argument about her ex and she knew I would cut the cord. It was easier for her if I would break up. So officially I am the dumper but mentally it felt like I was the dumpee.

 

A few days later I learned that she went back to her ex. I was her rebound. Text book stuff. Relationship lasted only three months. I went nc, disconnected her form social media but I didn’t block her. Thought it wasn’t necessary.

 

NC went fine but after three weeks she sent me a irrelevant open question via the app. I could not withstand the urge to respond. I told her not to contact me and leave me alone. It was a blunt message.

 

She responded very angry. I was the one that broke up, didn’t understand her feelings and she was done with me. As a punishment she would block me from now on.

 

Apparently this is a wise lesson for all who want the break the NC rule. I don't want her back and meanwhile blocked her. I can't however understand her behavior and would appreciate any thoughts. Wtf is going on in her mind?

Edited September 16, 2016 by Asterix

[Toodaloo]

She wants you to be the bad guy to clear her conscience.

 

Ignore.

[aloneinaz]

You should not care what she thinks or why she's coming across this way. Having mental gymnastics about a now ex is a waste of time.. She's looking for a reaction or attention. Providing dead silence back will send the message to move on..

 

Focus on moving forward to another person you can connect with.

[Asterix]

You should not care what she thinks or why she's coming across this way. Having mental gymnastics about a now ex is a waste of time.. She's looking for a reaction or attention. Providing dead silence back will send the message to move on..

 

Focus on moving forward to another person you can connect with.

 

Mental gymnastics is the right term. In hindsight I should not have responded but we are humans after all. The NC rules apply in this case. Do not respond Ever! Although I am convinced I am on the right track I still feel that I took a few steps back. It is a bloody mind**** to trick yourself in what she thinks.

[whatnot]

we are humans after all.

 

 

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” - Mark Twain

 

 

If we're not making mistakes, we're not growing.

 

 

Good luck

[Simon Phoenix]

I can't however understand her behavior and would appreciate any thoughts. Wtf is going on in her mind?

 

Completely irrelevant. What's going on in your mind which would allow you to be baited like this? Trying to figure out why another person is thinking what they're thinking is one of the most useless enterprises on the planet. Concentrate on yourself -- that's what you can control.

[Satu]

It's not really NC until you block them.

 

You know that now, I think.

 

Don't waste your time trying to figure out whats going on in her head.

 

Spend your time on yourself, instead.

 

 

Take care.

[Asterix]

Great comments. Thx.

 

I guess I can add a new chapter to my 'no contact' learning curve

 

I was doing fine after the b/u and nc. But I took the bait by responding on her app. Even though I responded with a 'don't contact me anymore' message I allowed her into my head. And apparently it bothered me that much that I posted a thread about. I now realize it threw me back in my healing proces.

[aloneinaz]

Great comments. Thx.

 

I guess I can add a new chapter to my 'no contact' learning curve

 

I was doing fine after the b/u and nc. But I took the bait by responding on her app. Even though I responded with a 'don't contact me anymore' message I allowed her into my head. And apparently it bothered me that much that I posted a thread about. I now realize it threw me back in my healing proces.

 

What is really interesting about human nature is that some ex's seem to like to know what their ex is up to AND see if they still have power over them. This is especially true when a dumper ends a R/S. The dumpee then vanishes and the dumper doesn't hear from them again. At some level, the dumpers ego gets bruised and they think "wow, I must not of meant anything to him/her". Him/her isn't blowing my phone up, begging for me to come back.

 

This is when SOME dumpers need to get their ego's stroked. Especially when they haven't had any luck finding someone new or better and are having some confidence problems. They then reach out w/bread crumbs of contact hoping to hear back from the dumpee. They EXPECT the dumpee will reply while falling all over themselves telling the dumper how much they miss them, how awesome they are, etc.. When the dumper reaches out for this attention and gets dead silence in return, it damages their ego and self esteem and sends a message that the dumpee wants nothing further to do with them.

 

Obviously, this isn't the case w/all dumpers. I'd say in most occasions, the dumper took a while to think through the relationship before making the decision to end it. By that time, they are done and don't want to hear from the dumpee again. They just want to move on w/their lives.

Edited September 16, 2016 by aloneinaz

[Asterix]

Very well said Aloneinaz. Thx!

 

She was indeed leaving breadcrumbs. I did not respond to them. It had the exact effect as described above. And honestly it gave me a sweet feeling of revenge. It made clear I moved on and it annoyed her.

 

Tonight I received a short argumentative mail. You can't block everything. I got very pissed off about the insinuations and responded. Mistake no 2 because I've now essentially stated that I am not over her. She crawled back into my head and essentially I am back at square one. NC day 1.

 

It's like quit smoking. The first days are the hardest and then every day it's get better. I feel like being force to smoke a cigarette. But I am aware that I have myself to blame for it.

[aloneinaz]

Tonight I received a short argumentative mail. You can't block everything. I got very pissed off about the insinuations and responded. Mistake no 2 because I've now essentially stated that I am not over her. She crawled back into my head and essentially I am back at square one. NC day 1.

 

It's like quit smoking. The first days are the hardest and then every day it's get better. I feel like being force to smoke a cigarette. But I am aware that I have myself to blame for it.

 

Well, you've learned your lesson. She threw out the bait (insinuations) and you hit on the hook, providing the response and attention she sought. Typical ex BS. And.. you're right, she knows you still care or you would of ignored her and that would've REALLY got her angry.

 

Get back on the NC horse and stick to it my friend.

[Simon Phoenix]

Very well said Aloneinaz. Thx!

 

She was indeed leaving breadcrumbs. I did not respond to them. It had the exact effect as described above. And honestly it gave me a sweet feeling of revenge. It made clear I moved on and it annoyed her.

 

Tonight I received a short argumentative mail. You can't block everything. I got very pissed off about the insinuations and responded. Mistake no 2 because I've now essentially stated that I am not over her. She crawled back into my head and essentially I am back at square one. NC day 1.

 

It's like quit smoking. The first days are the hardest and then every day it's get better. I feel like being force to smoke a cigarette. But I am aware that I have myself to blame for it.

 

Yeah, you're pretty much being your worst enemy at this point. Stop sabotaging yourself on dumb stuff.

[Asterix]

An update: I moved on and met a new girl. Meanwhile I didn't respond to messages from my vicious ex. Recently got a message with just the question if I am seeing someone new. How the hell she found out I don't know.

 

Thx to the threads here I learned that it has nothing to do with feelings for me but it's just her selfish side that doesn't want me to move on. It suits her character. I didn't respond and in hindsight it is the best thing you can do. Stay no contact if you want to move on. Every response is one or more steps back.

[aloneinaz]

An update: I moved on and met a new girl. Meanwhile I didn't respond to messages from my vicious ex. Recently got a message with just the question if I am seeing someone new. How the hell she found out I don't know.

 

Thx to the threads here I learned that it has nothing to do with feelings for me but it's just her selfish side that doesn't want me to move on. It suits her character. I didn't respond and in hindsight it is the best thing you can do. Stay no contact if you want to move on. Every response is one or more steps back.

 

I remember tiring of the stupid games people played when in HS. I kept thinking to myself "I can't wait till I'm older and all these stupid games end". Sadly, mental games are played through any age. The secret is to recognize them and not engage.

 

I'm a huge advocate of people having the right to end a relationship that is not working for them. We all hope they do it was kindness, class and empathy. A dumper who does this and has high character and class WON'T contact the dumpee again, as they do wish the best for the person they dumped. They understand any contact with them prolongs the dumpees healing. I've ended a few relationships and honestly wanted them to heal and move on and be happy in a new relationship.

 

Dumpers who do what this woman is doing have low character and low self esteem. It should only reinforce to the dumpee that they are miles ahead to have them out of their lives. Providing dead silence to their attention seeking, BS contact is the perfect solution to the problem.

 

The dumper has the power to end the relationship. The dumpee can take the power back by never having further contact with them again.

Edited September 27, 2016 by aloneinaz

[Asterix]

I am one of the members stating that an ex has to kick your door in if she/he wants your back. Mine did but now what?

 

Short background: short but intense relationship. I've been dating like hell for two years and this women pushed all the right buttons. Cliche-alert: I thought I met the one. But she wasn't over her ex. A very toxic relationship. She was in doubt and I cut the cord. Being a rebounder my self I noticed the signs and broke up. It was easier said than done. This women struck a cord.

 

She remained to keep in touch. I moved on and met a new woman and took it easy. Explained I was healing and she is amazing but if I am really honest she can't match my ex.

 

Eventually my ex came back. Requested if we could talk. I made her work for it. Kept my cool and distance. Also stated I moved on and met a new girl. I am not a game player. Been there, done that, got a very ugly t-shirt. I basically said no.

 

But she went for it. A few days later she send me a very sincere mail explaining that she regrets getting back to her ex, apologized and respected I moved on. This message was a last resort for her. She wants me back.

 

I bloody confused. It is clear that I am not over this women and moved on to quickly. I will quit with the new woman because I am not 100% committed. That is clear to me. But I am very unsure if I should give it another try with my ex. Any thoughts or experiences?

Edited October 10, 2016 by Asterix

[lightfoot]

Break up with an "amazing" new girl who's done nothing wrong, because you got an apology from a crazy ex that you tried for two years and got nowhere with. What could go wrong?

 

She couldn't get over her ex in two years? Why would it be any different now? She came back for two reasons:

1. You did the dumping, not her. Nobody wants to get dumped. We'd all rather be the dumpers, particularly women. I'll bet you a thousand dollars if you get back with her she'll be back to her old self in a few months and leave you and feel much better about it.

2. Her ex broke her heart again.

 

Right now you're in a good place. You broke it off with a toxic, crazy, dishonest girl with deep-seated emotional baggage and you replaced her with someone better. She's begging for you back and you're the one in control and have your dignity. Keep it that way. If you give up your current partner and take your ex back you won't ever be in control again and when she dumps you it will be humiliating beyond what you can imagine.

 

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

[Asterix]

Break up with an "amazing" new girl who's done nothing wrong, because you got an apology from a crazy ex that you tried for two years and got nowhere with. What could go wrong?

 

She couldn't get over her ex in two years? Why would it be any different now? She came back for two reasons:

1. You did the dumping, not her. Nobody wants to get dumped. We'd all rather be the dumpers, particularly women. I'll bet you a thousand dollars if you get back with her she'll be back to her old self in a few months and leave you and feel much better about it.

2. Her ex broke her heart again.

 

Right now you're in a good place. You broke it off with a toxic, crazy, dishonest girl with deep-seated emotional baggage and you replaced her with someone better. She's begging for you back and you're the one in control and have your dignity. Keep it that way. If you give up your current partner and take your ex back you won't ever be in control again and when she dumps you it will be humiliating beyond what you can imagine.

 

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

One clarification. We had a short relationship. Just three months and not two years.

 

But a few elements your comment makes sense. My main concern is indeed if she has changed. It's the romantic idea of the good time that make you wonder. I'll be honest about that.

 

Secondly I think you are right with about control. I am definitely in control now and it could be a big leap backwards if you give it up and probably this is also feeding the doubt.

 

Good food for thought. Thx