Is there any chance to repair our relationship; her husband died

[JR500]

For the record, we are both 35 now. **Sorry that it's long... Details seem important here.**

 

I knew my ex from pre-school and we did all our schooling together. We had a relationship from 12-18 and being an immature kid I didn't treat her well - one could say, horribly. I broke up with her after high school because I wanted to experience other woman more freely (vs. cheating). I did my "sow my oats" thing, and we got back together at age 20 and stayed together for 2 years. We had an "unplanned" pregnancy at 22. I put that in quotations because it was entirely my fault. I would take the condom off part way through and not tell her. Surprisingly, it took 8 years for a pregnancy to happen - though it was a 2 for 1 special. Now we have 13 year old boys.

 

I ended the relationship (at 22) because I was in immature little **** and wasn't ready to settle down and play house. I'm not proud to admit it, but I wasn't the best dad by any stretch of the imagination. I skipped a lot of visits, didn't support her or the boys at all, and put almost all of the child rearing on her. I treated her like crap and blamed her (ironically) for ruining my youth and trying to trap me. For a while it was my life goal to make her as miserable as she made me. Yes, I was a Grade A POS. If only I could go back and give myself a good slap or kick in the balls.

 

We got back together from age 24-26. Once again, I couldn't deal with adulting and continued to sleep around when things got tough and treat her like garbage. And again, I called it off and left most of the child rearing to her. We tried again a year later but that time it was quick to end. She was finally sick of my ****.

 

6 years ago, at 29, I finally got my **** together and tried to clean up the mess I made over the past decade. Now we have 30-70 custody (we had 50-50 but it was too hard on the boys with school). We don't have a close relationship at all. She hates me, rightfully so. I burned that bridge long ago. By some miracle I do however have a good relationship with my boys. It is hugely in part to my ex raising them well and never talking **** in front of them about me, even if it was true. She has been a very good mother to them and never tried to keep them from me.

 

She met someone new and married him 3 years ago. Her husband passed away 3 months ago in a freak accident. Him and I didn't ever get along, as he knew about my past history. He tried to push me out many times, or at least, that's how it felt to me. I honestly hated him. To the point that I only care about his passing because it affects my boys, my ex and their kids. They had 3 children together (2, 1, newborn).

 

She isn't doing well - at all. She doesn't have a support system. We're having a lot of trouble with our boys acting out. We have them both in counseling and hopefully we can get things under control. One has been stealing, the other got his hands on a gun and took it to school. They both have been caught with drugs, they are acting out at home and in school, getting into fights, being mean to their younger half-siblings. One of them (possibly both) is having sex, without a concern for STD's or pregnancy.

 

Her hands are full enough with them, then add on grieving her husband and 3 kids under 3. Every time I see her she looks like she's on deaths doorstep.

 

I offered to take the boys more during the week or permanently for a while, but the counselors recommended keeping everything the same with the schedule and home life. My ex hates me guys, especially right now. She is finding ways to blame me for this happening. I treated her like **** for so long, I guess it's her turn now.

 

Our entire history over the last 20 years she is bringing up and hating me for. She will bring up things that I completely forgot I did or don't remember doing. I understand it, I can deal with it. She's hurting, she's stressed.

 

Is there any chance to repair the relationship? Not a romantic one, that ship is long gone. But a friendly co-parenting relationship, not one that you can feel the tension if we're within a mile of each other.

 

No part of her wants to go to therapy with me. Before her husband passed she said no because he wasn't okay with it and didn't want feelings reemerging. Now that he husband has passed she doesn't want to because she is dealing with a lot right now and she thinks it's disrespectful to him.

 

I would really like to have a better relationship with her, and my wife wants that as well. My wife knows how tense it is between us and doesn't like it and doesn't think it's healthy. In front of the boys, my ex puts on a smile but if they aren't there it's like she's trying to wish me dead. We've hit rock bottom and stayed there a long time, there is no where to go but up.

 

I have been trying to repair the relationship between us for a few years. Pretty much kissing the bottom of her shoes. I KNOW I was a huge POS to her. I honestly feel like her husband was a large part of why she didn't want to try. He was always hovering over her, telling her how terrible I was, how a real man should be, etc.

[mikeylo]

So you have a new wife and your ex is dealing with 5 kids ?

[heartbrokenlady]

Not an expert but...

 

You just have to keep on keeping on. Help if you can. Get the groceries in. Offer to babysit. Make sure (if she'll let you) she has a car that is running. Make it known you can do handyman duties (if she'll let you).

 

If you could, sit her down and tell her, you were a total *******. You know that. It took you forever to grow up and you're sorry. But you are grown up now and you want to help support her.

 

I don't know if it will work. But someone needs to help that poor woman.

[JR500]

So you have a new wife and your ex is dealing with 5 kids ?

 

I have been married to my wife for 2 years. We have one child together. My ex has our two boys during the week, I have them on weekends. That's just how it worked out. We had 50-50 for a while but it was too hard on the boys with school. She lives in their school district, I don't. Houses in that area rarely go up for sale, when they do they go fast in a bidding war upping the price by 10's of thousands of dollars.

 

Her choice to have 3 additional children isn't my fault... Yes she is dealing with a lot. I'm trying to help her as much as she will let me, which isn't much.

 

Not an expert but...

 

You just have to keep on keeping on. Help if you can. Get the groceries in. Offer to babysit. Make sure (if she'll let you) she has a car that is running. Make it known you can do handyman duties (if she'll let you).

 

If you could, sit her down and tell her, you were a total *******. You know that. It took you forever to grow up and you're sorry. But you are grown up now and you want to help support her.

 

I don't know if it will work. But someone needs to help that poor woman.

 

I have tried to just talk with her and tell her that I know I was terrible to her, I know I should have grown up as fast as she had to. She doesn't want to hear it and thinks I'm making excuses. Just have to keep on trying... The few times that she has let me sit down and apologize for it all, she didn't believe it. She accepted it, but it meant nothing to her. I wrote a very lengthy letter once but I don't think she ever read it.

 

My boys told me that the dishwasher stopped working and they had to wash dishes (end of their world). When I dropped them off I asked her if she wanted me to look at it or have my dad look at it (his job), she quickly declined. I have sent my boys back to her with extra groceries that I know they use and I took care of getting their school supplies and everything else for school and registered. She didn't thank me with words but did lighten up a bit and was a bit relieved.

 

She's so unwilling to accept help because she thinks it's unfair to her husbands memory, or something.

[Toodaloo]

First off you can start to be the better man.

 

Its all very good and well rehashing old ground but time to move forward.

 

So put all that old stuff behind you. Look at today.

 

Today your boys are going off the rails. You need to start being Daddy here and start clearing up the mess. It will be hard. They are at an age where they want to rebel and their instinct is to lash out. For goodness sake get them under some sort of control because they sound like they are loosing it and it will not be long before they are in a gang.

 

The rest of it. When you go to pick up the boys try doing a few bits in the house for her while they are getting ready. Ask if she needs a hand with anything. If she does make the time to help her. Even if its mowing the lawn or doing a few DIY jobs about the place. It doesn't matter if its loading the dishwasher for her or quickly folding a load of clothes from the dryer. Anything and everything you can do will help.

 

Time to sack up and be that real man. That mean no more words, you show her through your actions and no matter what she throws at you you remain consistent and constant.

[Toodaloo]

My boys told me that the dishwasher stopped working and they had to wash dishes (end of their world). When I dropped them off I asked her if she wanted me to look at it or have my dad look at it (his job), she quickly declined.

 

She's so unwilling to accept help because she thinks it's unfair to her husbands memory, or something.

 

Right here you need to change your attitude a bit.

 

Next time you grab the boys and you tell them that you are going to show them how to fix it. Then you do just that. You spend the time with the boys and you get her dishwasher fixed.

 

She doesn't want to accept your help because you have, over the period of many years, been inconsistent, unreliable and full of dramas.

 

Do not ask her any more. When you find out she needs help, just man up and get on with it. If she asks what you are doing, tell her you are fixing it with the boys. Then get on and fix it. If she says thank you just tell her she is welcome and do not get into any further discussion. Just get on with it.

[JR500]

Our boys are in counseling (school and private). Their issues started when my ex's husband died. Part of the issue is attention, my ex is having a hard time dedicating time to all 5 kids right now. I make sure that when the boys are with me that I am spending that time with them. We don't sit around on the TV, games, etc. I do 1:1 time with each of them as much as I can. I've put them both in lessons that interested them (drums for one, tennis for the other). I try and tell why they should or shouldn't do things, really explain it and show them, not just because I said so. We talk about what can happen if your carry a gun that you don't know how to handle, then gun safety. Bringing a gun to school was an attention seeking behavior, from his friends, from the school, from us.

 

The are having trouble with the grieving process. They lost their step dad, they were close to him. They are confused about how to deal with it, especially with me. They think I will be mad if they are upset. I talk to them about him, keep things positive. He was a large part of their lives almost as long as I have been. They think I'm going to "leave" too and are pulling away.

 

They are mad that their mom has to dedicate more time to the little kids. Mad that she recently had a new baby, who never met the dad. They want to help more with the little kids but don't know how so they are mean to them instead (taking toys, teasing, etc). I've told my ex this and she said she is trying to teach them how to do things. I have been trying to get them more involved with my (other) son, who is 1.

 

I am trying, and yes it's very hard.

 

Right here you need to change your attitude a bit.

 

Next time you grab the boys and you tell them that you are going to show them how to fix it. Then you do just that. You spend the time with the boys and you get her dishwasher fixed.

 

She doesn't want to accept your help because you have, over the period of many years, been inconsistent, unreliable and full of dramas.

 

Do not ask her any more. When you find out she needs help, just man up and get on with it. If she asks what you are doing, tell her you are fixing it with the boys. Then get on and fix it. If she says thank you just tell her she is welcome and do not get into any further discussion. Just get on with it.

 

This is something that I haven't done. Just doing something rather than asking. She met her husband right around the time I got my act together, so he was always there to help her and always overstepped. I have to move past how it use to be and just do it for her.

 

At home I have the boys get involved with things around the house, which they enjoy. Doing it at her house is a good idea as well.

[mikeylo]

First, DO NOT make any more babies.

 

Second, this is THE time when you need to man up otherwise live in regrets.

 

Third, get some outside help. Its too much too deal

[Mr. Lucky]

Do not ask her any more. When you find out she needs help, just man up and get on with it. If she asks what you are doing, tell her you are fixing it with the boys. Then get on and fix it. If she says thank you just tell her she is welcome and do not get into any further discussion. Just get on with it.

 

Boy, I'd be careful with this, it could be seen as very invasive and disrespectful. Why isn't her "no" enough of a response?

 

It's obvious she only has any contact with you at all because of the kids. Absent that, doubt she's ever have spoken to you again. Focus on your family and time with your sons, respect her boundaries and leave her alone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Timshel]

Her husband died 3 months ago in a freak accident...it's just too soon, too raw.

 

Remain consistent and reliable...take care of your wife and family/mutual children.

Grieving is a process that simply requires time. Be patient, let her be and when you are able to be supportive, do so for your children and to ease her burden if she needs it.

 

The death of her husband has nothing to do with you....I think this is more what she means than disrespecting the memory of.

It takes time, no way around it...that's all, don't take it personally. She won't really 'see' you for a while.

 

Be patient and be a constant/rock for the kids, best.

[Satu]

Just be a good Dad for your kids.

 

That will keep you busy enough.

 

 

Take care.

[BC1980]

There's a lot going on here. Past hurt and now current pain from the loss of her husband. I'd actually suggest that you leave her be for the most part. At least right now. She is grieving the death of her husband, so I don't think that is the best time to begin to repair a relationship with you. It sounds like too much at once. You have apologized before, so I don't see the need to do it again or to keep bringing it up. You have put your feelings out there, and the ball is in her court. If she wants to make amends or talk about it, that's her decision.

 

I think you are possibly too volatile a force in her life to be able to be the person to help her through this. She has made the decision to keep her distance from you, and you have to respect that. She seems to be under an immense amount of stress. Does she have any other type of support? I think she needs a lot of support, but I'm not sure that you are the appropriate one to give the support. Certainly not emotional support. Helping with the kids is another thing, and I think you are right to offer more help. But as far as repairing the relationship, now is probably not the time.

[aileD]

You've put her through a lot over the years, it is probably very hard for her to trust you. You've been there, haven't, have, haven't etc for years. There is no consistency with you in her eyes.

 

It's admirable that you've changed and want to help her out, she probably does need the help if she has no support system. But you can't force her to see that from you.

 

When she tells you that she feels she would be disrespecting her husband's memory, maybe you could try telling her (gently) that although you and him didn't get along when he was alive, you know he was a good person and would want her and the kids to have support from somewhere. And that you wouldn't do anything to disrespect him.

 

Leave the door open, don't force it. Bringing the groceries is great. Add some diapers and stuff for the babies in there. If your kid with your wife is around the same age, maybe bring him/her with you sometime and offer to take the little ones out on the yard for a half hour or so , so she can get a breather.

 

Don't force the talking about it. It's too much for her to deal with on top of everything else. Just BE CONSISTENT. Now is the time to do what you couldn't do for years---be consistent. Show up when you're supposed to, offer to take them more to help out, ask if she needs specific help, let her know you understand how she feels and will respect it but that she can always reach out...without question.

 

If you have the money, and she won't accept your help ...you could anonymously send her some cash, or gift cards for things like the movies, pizza, Walmart, gas stations etc.

 

It's honorable that you are doing the right thing now, but you can't change the past and her feelings right now are messed up. Just be there, quiet and consistent, in the background and be a positive solid force.

[heartbrokenlady]

I think the others are right. Do the bits she will accept. Groceries, they'll get used. Money if she'll accept it.

 

Talk to your boys. Be constant with them. Do you stay in touch with them through the week?

 

The others are right. You don't need to keep telling her you've changed. She won't believe you, because of your past. She can't har you, because she's in mourning. Just keep trying to help where she'll accept it.

[Marc878]

Show her. Your actions will be the only thing that count now.

[Toodaloo]

Just doing something rather than asking. She met her husband right around the time I got my act together, so he was always there to help her and always overstepped. I have to move past how it use to be and just do it for her.

 

At home I have the boys get involved with things around the house, which they enjoy. Doing it at her house is a good idea as well.

 

The thing is you spent years being a pain in the backside. Its going to take something pretty massive to change her attitude.

 

With stuff like the dishwasher breaking get the boys to help you do it then tell her they asked you to show them so they can help her. I wouldn't get into great discussions about it with her. You have done all that and said many things that you have then failed to deliver over the years so its time to just get on and do it.

 

This woman is probably so exhausted through lack of sleep, grief, looking after all those children anyway that she is hardly likely to ask/ allow you, the man who has caused her so much pain in the past, to do these things. So its time to show her through consistency and being reliable that you have changed and that she can count on you.

 

Another thing you could do is encourage the boys to bring their dirty washing with them, sort it all out at yours then get them to take it back and put it all away. That will take some of the chores down for her.

 

You don't need to barge in and take over but just sort a few minor things out while dropping off and picking up the boys and leaving her to it will slowly help things improve.