Finally went NC [update: Got "the call"]

[eye of the storm]

After an approx. 6 year A with the last 6 months or so with us just trying to be friends I have finally gone NC.

 

No DD. His W has known about me for awhile. But I just couldn't keep going. He was the main person I talked to. I would even call to talk to him about dates I had gone on. None of which ever worked out. I now think because there was a part of me that had not given up the hope of a future with him.

 

I still don't hate him. I still think he is a good guy, he just has flaws. But don't we all.

 

But if I am ever to move on, I had to let go. So I told him. I told him I had to move on or I would be stuck forever.

 

So, I am 5 days into NC. Doing better than I hoped. The gym has helped. Being swamped at work helps. And knowing I did what was good and healthy for me helps.

 

I allow myself to feel bad 3 times a day, in the car to and from work and while doing the dishes. Next week it will just be to and from work and the week after, just one way. I hope to be done moping after that. But during those times, a part of me wishes he had put up even a small fight. Stupid, I know, but allowed.

 

If I feel weak, a friend told me to text her what I want to say to him. it allows me to say what I want to or need to but doesn't break NC.

 

To all the people who warned me to go NC a long time ago, you were right. I was wrong. It really is for the best.

[Satu]

I really hope you've totally blocked him on everything, because if you haven't you'll quickly be back on square one. These men almost always want to keep a channel open, and only rarely leave their AP in peace.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Hope it all works out for you.

 

 

Take care.

[eye of the storm]

lol Satu, you are no fun.

 

But I agree. Its what I should have done from the beginning.

 

Thank you.

[Satu]

lol Satu, you are no fun.

 

But I agree. Its what I should have done from the beginning.

 

Thank you.

 

Just thought I'd go for the head shot!

 

But seriously, don't let this thread become like many others, where someone says, "I've gone NC," and two days later talks about a conversation they had, and how upset they are about it.

 

"But I didn't break NC! He called me!"

 

Having said that, I hope things get better for you in every way.

 

You can do this.

 

 

The lyrics are in the video.

[jenkins95]

After an approx. 6 year A with the last 6 months or so with us just trying to be friends I have finally gone NC.....

 

.......I would be stuck forever.

 

........So, I am 5 days into NC

 

I allow myself to feel bad 3 times a day, in the car to and from work and while doing the dishes.

 

To all the people who warned me to go NC a long time ago, you were right. I was wrong. It really is for the best.

 

Eye! Now that deserves a very special ((((big Jenkins hug!!)))). By the way, I'm about 260lb, so sorry if that squeezed a bit

 

Proud of you. Bear in mind that it is a bumpy ride - good days, bad days in an often quite unpredictable order.

 

You can quite often get through the first three weeks or so on sheer adrenalin and determination alone, but then the reality of the enormity of the task and the permanence of it kicks in. At that point, it may be a couple of months or so of VERY tough days, until you eventually feel the edge wear off. Stick with it, be strong, keep busy and come here for support. LS ers are great. You can do it and you are not alone. There's lots of experience, warmth and support here

 

I LOVE your idea of allowing three short down periods per day. I'm going to take your idea and use it too if you don't mind. I'm a year into reconciliation with my wife. It's going well, but it's still a work in progress and I think that's a wonderful idea to allow yourself some slack, but only at allotted times.

 

Life's strange, it throws all sorts you and you often wonder how you ended up in such a mess. But you're only human, it happens. Another great human trait is the ability to learn, heal, recover and move on. And you will.

 

I wish you nothing but the best.

 

Keep the posts coming

Edited September 16, 2016 by jenkins95

[eye of the storm]

I try to remember that I'm allowed to be human a few times a day. Normally it just gets in the way of accomplishing my tasks so I try to minimize it to times when I can't do anything else.

 

I'm not dealing with adrenalin right now. I think the best analogy would be more like, I have to much crap in my purse and I can carry it, and its fine but, I need to clean it out and maybe get a smaller one that won't hold so much unnecessary stuff. But there is a part that misses that purse because it has been with you so long and it holds a lot of memories.

 

BTW. Big hugs are the best.

 

Satu, I liked the song. As to him contacting me, I told him the only contact I would accept is the one after his W moved out and he had papers to show. Since I highly doubt that will ever happen, I think I'm safe. But I have deleted the apps we used to chat. I know he won't call me on the phone since his W monitors that.

 

I appreciate the finger wags though. Most OWs do seem to do the same stuff. And we like to think we are special snowflakes.

[ladydesigner]

I still think he is a good guy, he just has flaws. But don't we all.

 

Good for you for going NC! Now your NEW life begins!!! Free of drama and push/pull and whatever other issues that come with an A.

 

Your MM is not a good guy I beg to differ, but I know we all see these things differently. I think he is terribly flawed. At least you are getting yourself out of this mess! That's healthy!

[BuddyX]

You said he's flawed. Personally, 6 years of messing around behind his wife's back makes him despicable. Flaw is a one night stand. 6 years is a Dark alter ego.

 

Listen to everyone. NC means NC

[jenkins95]

You said he's flawed. Personally, 6 years of messing around behind his wife's back makes him despicable. Flaw is a one night stand. 6 years is a Dark alter ego.

 

Listen to everyone. NC means NC

 

Buddy and lady have a good point. Six years? That's a long time. You may only see flaws, but there's a fair chance his wife would feel differently.

 

Well done, you've made the right decision even though it must have been hell for you.

 

No looking back now!

[oceansaway]

Wow...reading your post was like my life! Over 4 years....wife knew from day one...dated others.. he knew...just couldn't find anyone to replace him.

 

I'm 3 months NC. Just couldn't handle it anymore and ended it. At the two week Mark was the hardest but pushed through. I'm over the anger stage. Busy with work and the gym. But some days are hard....still. I don't miss the drama.

 

I wish you the best. You can do it. Someday it will all be just a memory

[eye of the storm]

Actually, it hasn't been hell. And yes, I still say he has flaws. Just like I do.

 

As far as what his wife feels, I wasn't his first A. And she has caught him, including me, I think 4 times. They seem to have a pattern, she gets upset, he cuts contact, she goes back to normal, he looks for his next A. I think I'm the only one he refused to stop talking to.

 

I'm not angry. Sad and missing my friend, but not angry.

 

I am in a better place because I met him. Due to his mentoring me, allowing me access to his network, encouraging me to continue my education and then spending a massive amount of time helping me study...I am no longer stressing how to pay my rent or buy food.

 

I went NC, not because he was doing push/pull, but because I was constantly trying to read between the lines and find hidden meanings that signify he is moving in my direction. I went NC because of me. Not because of him.

 

I need to move on. Moving forward is hard when you are holding on to the past.

[jenkins95]

You are doing the right thing! Well done!

 

If it helps you to paint him in a positive light, if it helps you move forward and recover then great!

 

But with his record, don't expect many LS members see him as anything other than a cake eating, cheating POS.

 

Of course, you know a lot more about him than any of us do, but many people here have been hurt immensely by people like him......and me (I also have flaws!)

 

All the very very best of luck!

 

J

[Friskyone4u]

Eye,

 

Good job. There are plenty of eligible single men out there. But you could not connect with anyone because your mind was elsewhere and these other guys never had a chance.

 

On top of that, it is good you did not connect with anyone else until now. It would have meant you would have entered a new relationship sneaking around of him with another man since I doubt you would have shared what you were doing with a new boyfriend..

 

Stop romanticize get this guy. He has betrayed his wife and family four times that you know of. That does not make him any kind of knight in shining armor, and why would you think even if he left his wife he would be faithful to you. He is a serial cheater.

 

Stay NC and forget about being any kind of "friends". You will be better off

[eye of the storm]

Frisky, I agree about one thing, I couldn't move on. But I have been dating. And I was honest with MM about it. I just noticed I was putting up barriers with them. And with new guys I would just tell them I was still dating others.

 

I'm not romanticizing the MM. I'm being realistic. Yes he ran around on his W. Of their 20 year M, they have lived apart at least 3/4 of their M. Because he would move for jobs and she stayed in one spot. Usually when she caught him cheating she would relocate get him in line then go back home. They both seem content with the status quo.

 

But this isn't about him. When I told him we would be friends only, he wast happy but respected my wishes. I kept reading into conversations. I was the one who needed to cut off so I could move on.

 

Demonizing him or thinking about the A like I was a victim is wasted time. He is who he is and she is ok with it or she would do something about it.

 

I just need to focus on forward motion.

[eye of the storm]

I know it's hormones, but I am feeling like caving today. I won't but the urge is there.

 

I keep reminding myself that if I contact him, and we go back to the way we were, I will eventually hate him. I don't want to do that. I just want to move on.

 

Addictive behaviors suck. Just when you think you topped a hill, bam you get hit again.

[ladydesigner]

I know it's hormones, but I am feeling like caving today. I won't but the urge is there.

 

I keep reminding myself that if I contact him, and we go back to the way we were, I will eventually hate him. I don't want to do that. I just want to move on.

 

Addictive behaviors suck. Just when you think you topped a hill, bam you get hit again.

 

This is really good when you get to this point! NC becomes not wanting to go back to the way it was before , that's when you know you are healing! Keep going the mile! You will get there and emotions pass, what we feel today we may not feel tomorrow

[Onlywhenitrains]

Just don't give up! I know what you are going through!

 

I've been in LC/NC for over a month now. He reached out a few times, and I didn't respond, or just fired back asking him to leave me alone.

 

What I've learned is there are many hills and mountains to climb on this path. But, each of them gets easier with time, because you have more time for yourself. To grieve, cry, think, introspect, and live. Without all that anxiety and stress that being in A brings into your life.

 

I have many days when I'm feeling lonely and sad. It's normal, and I accept it as new normal until all the longing for him and our times together just become memories.

 

But, don't give up. I was in NC for almost two months this spring and caved in in July. Regret it now more than anyone including myself can imagine. There was nothing there when I caved in back into the A for a month or so. NOTHING! Just more of the same.

 

There will be nothing there if you go back. Nothing for you.

[Poppy47]

You said he's flawed. Personally, 6 years of messing around behind his wife's back makes him despicable. Flaw is a one night stand. 6 years is a Dark alter ego.

 

Listen to everyone. NC means NC

xMM was messing around with me for 8 years.

 

He never had any remorse and told me just before we broke up he had spent all 8 wedding anniversaries with me. I think this MM has the darkest alter ego of all.

 

 

Yes NC IS an absolute term. You cannot be a little bit pregnant and you cannot be a little bit NC,

 

POppy.

[eye of the storm]

I know. I know all of this. I know addicts of all kinds deal with this. And I am trying to not break NC. The worst part is, if I call...he will fly here. The worst worst part is he would go back.

 

I miss the total focus he put on me. The smell of his skin, the sound of his voice, the roughness of his hands. Lol... Going from mind blowing sex 3-4 times a day 5 days a week to nothing. Not even talking. Sigh. My skin is screaming for touch.

 

I also miss him making my breakfast, talking to me while I made dinner, watching tv or studying together. His company. His belief in my abilities.

 

I miss him.

 

I know it will be worth it in the end but right now it's hard.

 

i freaking hate hormones.

Edited October 6, 2016 by eye of the storm

[lilacwine]

I know. I know all of this. I know addicts of all kinds deal with this. And I am trying to not break NC. The worst part is, if I call...he will fly here. The worst worst part is he would go back.

 

I miss the total focus he put on me. The smell of his skin, the sound of his voice, the roughness of his hands. Lol... Going from mind blowing sex 3-4 times a day 5 days a week to nothing. Not even talking. Sigh. My skin is screaming for touch.

 

I also miss him making my breakfast, talking to me while I made dinner, watching tv or studying together. His company. His belief in my abilities.

 

I miss him.

 

I know it will be worth it in the end but right now it's hard.

 

i freaking hate hormones.

 

Hi,

I'm curious about the bolded part. Did you live with him or what? How did the breakup happen?

 

And last year there was a thread about him bringing up divorce. Did he actually follow through with that??

 

I hope you're still in NC and feeling better now. It's been more than a month. Keep us posted!!!

[freengreen]

Why he didnt put up a slightest fight?. Because he dosnt welcome any 'ripples' on any side. I had seen my MM do it. He wont 'fight'.. he needs everything to go smooth all sides. If he senses something unbalanced, he will let it go, as simple as that and moves on where ever its smooth.

 

They appear to be very kind, very understanding, very perfect but you will never know that YOU were the one holding the cross for him. If you let it go, he will let it go sooner than you did. These 'kind' men wont bear crosses. Its not how they work.

[Poppy47]

Pleased to hear you are NC.

 

As time goes on, you will begin to understand small things that you over looked before.

 

You will see that he really wasn't just a good guy with flaws. Maybe through no fault of his own, he is toxic and warped beyond repair. Being with him has been destructive to you.

 

Keep going with NC.

 

Poppy.

[eye of the storm]

Lilac wine, yes, we lived together during the week. He moved away for work and he was supposed to file and in a year I was to follow him down there. We broke up because his wife asked for the divorce to be delayed a year. I told him if he agreed I was out. Apparently he didn't believe me. It took me awhile, but I finally did it.

 

Fred, I never thought he was perfect. I always saw the disconnect between how he is with everyone and how he was with his W.

 

Poppy, I'm still NC. I still miss him. I still can't view him as toxic. I still love him. But the time and distance is helping. The other day I seriously thought about calling and having him fly up. Then I visualized him walking in the door. I thought about him touching me, I truly thought it was going to be quite the erotic fantasy....I noticed my body was tensing up. I was agitated. I couldn't focus on him. I kept thinking about him giving me up. And I was frustrated. That is when I realized, this is exactly what will happen if I call. So I didn't. And the desire to call has greatly decreased because I can just picture it. It's still there but it is getting easier.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Lilac wine, yes, we lived together during the week. He moved away for work and he was supposed to file and in a year I was to follow him down there. We broke up because his wife asked for the divorce to be delayed a year. I told him if he agreed I was out. Apparently he didn't believe me. It took me awhile, but I finally did it.

 

Fred, I never thought he was perfect. I always saw the disconnect between how he is with everyone and how he was with his W.

 

Poppy, I'm still NC. I still miss him. I still can't view him as toxic. I still love him. But the time and distance is helping. The other day I seriously thought about calling and having him fly up. Then I visualized him walking in the door. I thought about him touching me, I truly thought it was going to be quite the erotic fantasy....I noticed my body was tensing up. I was agitated. I couldn't focus on him. I kept thinking about him giving me up. And I was frustrated. That is when I realized, this is exactly what will happen if I call. So I didn't. And the desire to call has greatly decreased because I can just picture it. It's still there but it is getting easier.

 

Good for you Eye- I think one of the hardest parts of being the ones to walk away is in those hours of hurt and despair you know all it will take is one small smoke signal, one call, one text, one small anything and they will come running. Of course it wont be anything but more of the same but it takes a lot of strength to walk through those hard times and come out the other side.

 

Don't do it- trust me. It is just more of the same.

 

((((eye)))) - hugs for your strength.

[jenkins95]

Keep going eye! You are doing really well. I am over a year out of my affair as the mm and am doing so much better. The cravings have died down immensely but it did take months to get to that point.

 

You will get there!