Author eye of the storm Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 A while ago, at the office a group of us were sitting around talking about former co-workers (where they went, openings, salary, duties, etc) and my MM was brought up. Someone mention his W had moved back to her home state. You know that brought up how their marriage survives with him always living in one state and her in another. I suddenly remembered I needed to get a soda so I got up and left. I had not heard anything from MM. I maintained NC on my side. Today, I got a call from him. He told me she had left and moved back to her home. He said he had waited to call in order to make sure she wasn't coming back. He loves me and wants me back. He said after my next work assignment I should apply to his company and he would make sure I got picked, then I could move there and we could live together again. I told him no. They still aren't divorcing, her name will still be on the house. She could come back any time and kick me out. He had no come back for that one. He tried saying she had no interest in living there and that is why she went back. I reminded him she quit her job for leverage and moved to break us up. He cannot control what she chooses to do. I told him if he loves me and wants to be with me, he has to divorce. He has time. I won't be back for about a year. But I don't expect it. He tried the worn out line about we don't know what the future holds. I told him it wouldn't hold me without a divorce. I wish I felt more empowered about telling him no. But I just feel sad. I'm not angry or upset. And I wouldn't even say I was grieving. Just sad. I think I cried all my tears already. I don't feel the need for them today. Maybe Ill add a half hour in the gym to give me something else to be upset over (lol). Life goes on. With him or without him. It goes on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Good for you! We don't know what the future holds? What a bunch of bullcrap! He knows if his future include staying married or not. If he was going to divorce he would just do it, not say stupid things like we don't know what the future holds. Ugh Sorry you feel down but you did the right thing and you will bounce back from this unfortunate contact in a few days. Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 That could not have been easy, emotionally. You did great! So proud of you. But seriously WTF is he thinking..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I feel like once we put ourselves in the "other woman" box we can never get out. It is why they say relationships that begin as affairs are doomed before they even begin. This man put you into that little box and now he thinks you are fine being in that box. A normal healthy relationship is for other people so now that wifey moved out I will give Eye a call and she will be so excited we can sort of have a relationship! Seriously these men really need to be taken down a peg or two. Oh and the "we don't know what the future holds" this must have came from the MM book because i heard that garbage all the time. Stay away from this guy Eye. Even if he divorces he still sucks as a human being. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Good for you! We don't know what the future holds? What a bunch of bullcrap! He knows if his future include staying married or not. If he was going to divorce he would just do it, not say stupid things like we don't know what the future holds. Ugh Sorry you feel down but you did the right thing and you will bounce back from this unfortunate contact in a few days. Yep still saying things to try to keep you on the line Shoot you should tell him the future holds great things for you but you are unsure as to what his holds Link to post Share on other sites
Author eye of the storm Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 I'm ok. I thought I would be more upset. It did make me rethink some of my long term plans. But a few hours later, I was working on my plans again. For a bit I thought, why buy a house when I might move. But he never once made a life decision with me in mind so...I'm not going to think of him in mine. Ok, so Ill think of him but I won't let it affect my decisions. This site has helped. Listening to OWs like me, BSs like I was, WSs (no experience there but good knowledge) help. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I'm ok. I thought I would be more upset. It did make me rethink some of my long term plans. But a few hours later, I was working on my plans again. For a bit I thought, why buy a house when I might move. But he never once made a life decision with me in mind so...I'm not going to think of him in mine. Ok, so Ill think of him but I won't let it affect my decisions. This site has helped. Listening to OWs like me, BSs like I was, WSs (no experience there but good knowledge) help. Make your plans without regards to this man or any man. Just like as soon as you go to the bathroom, the phone rings, as soon as you buy real estate, you will meet a man to be serious with. I finally left this sort of married/sort of separated guy after 3 years and bought a condo. 3 months later I met my now husband. Buy a big leather couch too. Men really like leather. It's like a beacon. You did well and you can do better. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Buy a big leather couch too. Men really like leather. It's like a beacon. This made me lol! Link to post Share on other sites
Author eye of the storm Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 So, I am finalizing buying my house. I should be moving in soon. I am excited and scared. This is a good thing! However, I admit it, I called him. He has always had a talent for separating facts and emotions and I wanted to make sure I was on a good path and not just "acting out". So we chatted about the house, rates, costs, neighborhoods, pretty much everything. It was a good friendly call. He spent some time giving me advice on advancing in my work place and I sent him contact info for a prospective employee. A bit awkward cause we were both trying to be on our best company manners but a good pleasant chat. His W is back. She moved back. I'm actually ok. I thought I would be more upset. But I'm not even that bothered by it. And it was not even remotely a surprise. I have spent a lot of time reminding myself that he chose to walk away and if he is/isn't happy with his choice that is his problem and not mine. I am getting settled into a good place. I enjoy going home to a stress free house. I don't think about him as often. When I do, I enjoy the thought then finish it up with reminding myself his retirement accounts meant more than I did. Which taints the memory, which makes me think of him less. Wash rinse repeat. Going NC was the most painful thing ever but it allowed the wound to scab over. Its still there but unless I hit it, I don't notice the injury as much. I'm not going back to talking to him. Slippery slope and all that. But I stated from the beginning he is a resource I don't want to lose. I don't have plans to call again though. I told him if he needs something to call but not to call to chat. I told him that is how I would do too. He asked if we could go back to being friends. I told him friendly was the best I could do now. I'm sure that hurt because he knows I have said multiple times I am not friends with my xH I just want to be friendly for the sake of the kids. I screwed up calling him. But it was good to see that I am not caught up in the fog like I was. I'm happy I'm not waiting all the time now, not waiting for texts, not waiting for the shoe to drop, not waiting for her to leave so he can Skype me. I'm happy I'm not a secret anymore. And I may or may not find another guy (single) to spend my time with. But that will be ok. I'm fine on my own. A partner would just be like desert after dinner, not necessary but fun and appreciated. I use this site to be accountable, so I felt I had to admit that I did a big NC nono 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 We all slip up once in a while I guess. But so good to hear how great you handled it. I can only hope to be as strong as you are one day. When I saw him last week it was clear that I'm not anywhere near over him or strong enough to be around him and not have it affect me yet. You say going NC was a great thing. Helped the wound scab over. How long did that take? Not feeling it yet. It's been around a month. Still as heart broken as I was on day 1. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eye of the storm Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 Jennifer, I am not the most emotional person. Which is one reason my xH and I were never a match. Random emotions popping out all over the place is exhausting to me. I wasn't total NC for a vast amount of time. But I spent a lot of time discussing with myself why. Why we weren't together. Why I would accept living the rest of my life as an option. Why I was frozen and unable to move. Why I wasn't "good enough". And I decided, we weren't together because he valued something more than me. I decided that I didn't want to be an option, I wanted to be chosen. I decided that I was unable to move forward because I was stuck constantly waiting to be taken out of the box he had put me in and I was done with that life. I decided I am good enough. I decided if he wasn't going to choose me, value me, take actions for me....then I was. Am I 100% over everything? No. But I'm getting there. Jennifer, only you can decide when you are ready to be a priority. Only you can make yourself a priority. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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