Feeling superior and actually admitting it

[nymphetgrown]

I had a conversation with a boy who wanted to be more than friends. He was a nice boy, but despite his age (28) he was very much still a boy, and he seemed to need a mother and a lover rolled into one. He kept saying I was this smart, intimidating woman and he was a stupid boy who didn't deserve me.

 

I find, at the end of the day, that I can't make soothing noises and deny feeling like I deserve better. And I don't know how to go about acknowledging even that feeling, let alone whatever nugget of truth might be at its heart, or what lesson I need to learn.

 

You see, I don't want to raise myself a husband, not like my mother has. My health means I can't be the breadwinner, but I surely can keep house, and this boy seemed very proud of his spotty employment record due to disdain for authority. He had no idea what boundaries were or why a person should have them, and I... learned that one the hard way, putting it nicely.

 

And perhaps I don't live up to American ideals. I'm plain and a bit of a prude and I like it. But I'm not asking for a Chad type of mate. I'm not asking for a huge salary or a huge anything else. I'd like him to be reasonably healthy and mature, and I would like us to be mutually respectful. So part of the problem is that I won't date someone I doubt I can respect above and beyond the basic "we're both human" -- is that so awful? To know your own limitations in that regard?

 

I'm asking here because I've always found this a sensible cross-section of viewpoints; it's not MRA heavy, it's not feminist heavy, it's kind of middle of the road. Ordinary folks. I like that. If you can help me sort out these feelings, I would be much obliged.

[Ahuizotl]

I think its hard for people to accept a person, especially a woman, who knows exactly what they want and won't settle for anything less. Its when people start to devalue themselves that they end up unhappy.

 

The only thing you'll have to ask yourself is whether your line in the sand is worth the possibility of never finding something. Not saying you won't but there is that possibility. I'd imagine an intelligent girl would be willing to compromise when/if the right type of person comes along.

[GemmaUK]

I had a conversation with a boy who wanted to be more than friends. He was a nice boy, but despite his age (28) he was very much still a boy, and he seemed to need a mother and a lover rolled into one. He kept saying I was this smart, intimidating woman and he was a stupid boy who didn't deserve me.

 

He is insecure.

His comments rubbed off on you.

Don't even try with this type as you will always be attempting to either shut his remarks out or trying to reassure him.

 

Move on, find your own equal - or opposite - but someone you are on a level with. You aren't on a level with the type of guy who says this type of stuff and it'd just be constant hard work for you.

[nymphetgrown]

I think its hard for people to accept a person, especially a woman, who knows exactly what they want and won't settle for anything less. Its when people start to devalue themselves that they end up unhappy.

 

The only thing you'll have to ask yourself is whether your line in the sand is worth the possibility of never finding something. Not saying you won't but there is that possibility. I'd imagine an intelligent girl would be willing to compromise when/if the right type of person comes along.

 

I can negotiate on the superficial, but the fundamentals have to be there. Mutual respect and attraction are key. I appreciate a sensible person when it comes to finances, and will reciprocate (I am not materialistic). I can't have kids, but would adopt or foster an older child, and if he already has kids then that's fine.

 

I want to go to bed with and wake up next to the same person for a very long time. That's the bottom line. I want us to keep each other warm in winter, look after each other when we need it, rejoice together, mourn together. These things tend to work out better when you've found, as GemmaUK says, the person with whom you're on the same level.

[preraph]

I think its hard for people to accept a person, especially a woman, who knows exactly what they want and won't settle for anything less. Its when people start to devalue themselves that they end up unhappy.

 

The only thing you'll have to ask yourself is whether your line in the sand is worth the possibility of never finding something. Not saying you won't but there is that possibility. I'd imagine an intelligent girl would be willing to compromise when/if the right type of person comes along.

 

I do think it's hard for aimless "people to accept a person, especially a woman, who knows exactly what they want and won't settle for anything less." Other driven people will respect it. But people who know exactly what they want from a young age are few and far between. I was one. I grew up kind of autonomously and free. I knew I belonged most in a rock culture by the time I was a teen, but didn't know how I was going to get there. Meanwhile, I didn't know what to do for work but there were very few choices for women back then and I figured I'd end up on one of them and made sure I had at least secretary skills. Then I saw a pinhole of opportunity to make a living in music and from that moment, things fell into place and all I cared about was following that dream.

 

It's a young business, so in my old age, then I fell back on my typing.

 

The point is, even though romance was very much on my mind and I spent too many moments in anguish over men who were fleeting, none of them was more important to me than my dream. I used to mourn not landing the magical "one," but the older I got, the more couples I knew with serious flaws, the more I saw what their lives became, it was in middle age I realize I was never meant to make coupling my priority. I was on a different path because I knew exactly what I wanted and didn't let life just happen to me and pull me off that path. I never once considered settling for someone I wasn't thoroughly attracted to and interested in. I had a full life with my interests so I guess I just didn't miss companionship enough to take on someone I wasn't really overall attracted to. I'd always have rather been alone than be with someone I didn't want to be with.

 

Some people crave more companionship than I do. A friend of mine is like that, and nothing wrong with it, but I feel it leads to bad decisions and letting people in who are not always nice. But she has abandonment issues from childhood and that is the result. She's overly tolerant and forgives men for treating her without respect. It takes a lot for her to leave. But I guess for her having someone around is the most important thing. For me, that same person would be an unwanted person I would kick out the first sign of disrespect. But we're all different.