Asking my wife for an open marriage (sensitive topic) [updated]

[brjen]

My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married 10. She is the love of my life. 6 years ago my wife experienced a very traumatic sexual assault and we have not been intimate since. She has been, and continues to be, in therapy the entire duration. She has excellent people looking after her but came out of the trauma as the worst case scenario. She makes tiny, tiny steps towards intimacy, but they are HUGE for her. ie) in the beginning I couldn't even touch her, anywhere. Then I could touch a completely non-sexual part of her body like her shin. Then months later, her knees. Months and months later, lower thigh. There are some non-sexual parts of her body that still cannot be touched, neck, ears, certain spots on her back. We kiss each other, but we don't make out. Sex just isn't going to happen.

 

My original post is here.

 

I love my wife and I want to stand by her through everything. It has gotten to the point were I've been getting angry at her. I didn't want to leave her, but didn't want to cheat either. She knows that I need that intimacy, and release. She feels bad all the time and hates herself for not being able to do those things for/with me. She tries, she just can't.

 

Around 2 months ago I went to an "erotic massage parlor". It started with just handjobs and I switched girls each time because somehow that made me feel better. Then I started going back to the same girl, it progressed to oral and then intercourse. I feel absolutely horrible. My wife is going through the same thing I am, but I'm the one escaping. Every time she wants to try something, I feel too bad. The woman I've been "seeing" has said I'm one of the best clients she's had because I'm nice to her and it doesn't feel like I'm just looking for somewhere to stick my penis. I'll admit, some "sessions" have been free, much cheaper or gone on a lot longer and I've pleased her as well. Which makes me feel more terrible because it seems worse if I'm not paying her. My wife probably has sexual tension too, but I can't release that for her...

 

A while ago she said that if I'm having sexual needs met elsewhere, that she understands but to never tell her. I don't want to tell her just to get it off my mind. I never want her to find out, yet I can't stop going. Nothing will ever happen between this other woman and I, it's her job. How do I get over this guilt?

[oldshirt]

She has given you her ground rules and criteria for getting your needs met elsewhere. Please comply with them and do not burden her with your guilt.

 

You have sought professional assistance with your sexual needs (I'm not judging or pointing fingers. I would've done something similar or left years ago) so you can also seek professional assistance to deal with your feelings of guilt and shame.

 

It's ok to address your guilt with a professional therapist/counselor, but do not add additional burden or guilt on to her.

[LargoLagg]

My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married 10. She is the love of my life. 6 years ago my wife experienced a very traumatic sexual assault and we have not been intimate since. She has been, and continues to be, in therapy the entire duration. She has excellent people looking after her but came out of the trauma as the worst case scenario. She makes tiny, tiny steps towards intimacy, but they are HUGE for her. ie) in the beginning I couldn't even touch her, anywhere. Then I could touch a completely non-sexual part of her body like her shin. Then months later, her knees. Months and months later, lower thigh. There are some non-sexual parts of her body that still cannot be touched, neck, ears, certain spots on her back. We kiss each other, but we don't make out. Sex just isn't going to happen.

 

My original post is here.

 

I love my wife and I want to stand by her through everything. It has gotten to the point were I've been getting angry at her. I didn't want to leave her, but didn't want to cheat either. She knows that I need that intimacy, and release. She feels bad all the time and hates herself for not being able to do those things for/with me. She tries, she just can't.

 

Around 2 months ago I went to an "erotic massage parlor". It started with just handjobs and I switched girls each time because somehow that made me feel better. Then I started going back to the same girl, it progressed to oral and then intercourse. I feel absolutely horrible. My wife is going through the same thing I am, but I'm the one escaping. Every time she wants to try something, I feel too bad. The woman I've been "seeing" has said I'm one of the best clients she's had because I'm nice to her and it doesn't feel like I'm just looking for somewhere to stick my penis. I'll admit, some "sessions" have been free, much cheaper or gone on a lot longer and I've pleased her as well. Which makes me feel more terrible because it seems worse if I'm not paying her. My wife probably has sexual tension too, but I can't release that for her...

 

A while ago she said that if I'm having sexual needs met elsewhere, that she understands but to never tell her. I don't want to tell her just to get it off my mind. I never want her to find out, yet I can't stop going. Nothing will ever happen between this other woman and I, it's her job. How do I get over this guilt?

I think it would help you to fully describe your guilt, rather than just call it guilt.

 

Is it that you are unable to explore any kind of sex with your wife because you feel bad? Bad about what? Is it that you are starting to think of your prostitute as some kind of personal relationship? Or both?

 

It might help you to either slow down on that, or start switching providers again. But as I've re-experienced recently, it really helps you if you can fully articulate what it is you're feeling. Once you can do that, the path forward should become more obvious.

Edited November 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[dichotomy]

My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married 10. She is the love of my life. 6 years ago my wife experienced a very traumatic sexual assault and we have not been intimate since. She has been, and continues to be, in therapy the entire duration. She has excellent people looking after her but came out of the trauma as the worst case scenario. She makes tiny, tiny steps towards intimacy, but they are HUGE for her. ie) in the beginning I couldn't even touch her, anywhere. Then I could touch a completely non-sexual part of her body like her shin. Then months later, her knees. Months and months later, lower thigh. There are some non-sexual parts of her body that still cannot be touched, neck, ears, certain spots on her back. We kiss each other, but we don't make out. Sex just isn't going to happen.

 

My original post is here.

 

I love my wife and I want to stand by her through everything. It has gotten to the point were I've been getting angry at her. I didn't want to leave her, but didn't want to cheat either. She knows that I need that intimacy, and release. She feels bad all the time and hates herself for not being able to do those things for/with me. She tries, she just can't.

 

Around 2 months ago I went to an "erotic massage parlor". It started with just handjobs and I switched girls each time because somehow that made me feel better. Then I started going back to the same girl, it progressed to oral and then intercourse. I feel absolutely horrible. My wife is going through the same thing I am, but I'm the one escaping. Every time she wants to try something, I feel too bad. The woman I've been "seeing" has said I'm one of the best clients she's had because I'm nice to her and it doesn't feel like I'm just looking for somewhere to stick my penis. I'll admit, some "sessions" have been free, much cheaper or gone on a lot longer and I've pleased her as well. Which makes me feel more terrible because it seems worse if I'm not paying her. My wife probably has sexual tension too, but I can't release that for her...

 

A while ago she said that if I'm having sexual needs met elsewhere, that she understands but to never tell her. I don't want to tell her just to get it off my mind. I never want her to find out, yet I can't stop going. Nothing will ever happen between this other woman and I, it's her job. How do I get over this guilt?

 

 

I dont understand the words above.

 

It sounds like your wife gave you clear approval and boundaries for "just sex". You are getting your purely physical needs met by a professional with no chance of an actual romantic relationship. I could understand why you still feel guilt - I would probably as well - but perhaps you should get some therapy yourself. Just explain to the therapist your wife gave you approval and you need help to accept this arrangement.

 

Then enjoy what you have with your wife. In a way, with her permission, perhaps you are releasing her from her own feelings of guilt over making your life sexless.

Edited November 23, 2016 by dichotomy

[Blueskies66]

I can understand. I was in a similar situation. Having lots of sex with hookers will make you callous and will fan the flames of anger towards your wife. You simply must direct your energy towards succeeding at your marriage,

 

You may love your wife but ultimately if she cannot be healed you may have to find another mate. Your wife may only need you as a friend.

 

Try to be as honest as you can.

 

Best of luck.

[WilyWill]

Geez, you're in such a tough spot. I really feel bad for both you and your wife. Has she ever tried this EMDR therapy that so many people speak highly of?

[Lady2163]

It does sound like you need someone to talk to as well. I had a male friend whose wife developed serious emotional/psych problems about 12 years into their marriage. He became more of a caretaker of sorts. He started going. To a counselor just to get some feedback. It sounds like you're trying to find normal in an abnormal situation and that can make you....well, crazy. :-)

 

Respect your wife's wishes and don't tell her what you've been doing to get the release.

 

Clearing throat....ahhh....you realize your special friend has a vested interest in keeping you satisfied? Even at discounted prices.

[springy]

This is a tough one; I feel for your situation. I wonder though, if your wife ever gets to a place where she is ready to try again - your current activities may create a brand new problem that could kill the rekindling effort. I mean, right now she says she doesn't want to know but that could change down the road, if she ever "turns on" again.

 

Perhaps you would benefit from some individual counseling? Forgive me if you've already mentioned it.

[jimmytwowheels]

My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married 10. She is the love of my life. 6 years ago my wife experienced a very traumatic sexual assault and we have not been intimate since. She has been, and continues to be, in therapy the entire duration. She has excellent people looking after her but came out of the trauma as the worst case scenario. She makes tiny, tiny steps towards intimacy, but they are HUGE for her. ie) in the beginning I couldn't even touch her, anywhere. Then I could touch a completely non-sexual part of her body like her shin. Then months later, her knees. Months and months later, lower thigh. There are some non-sexual parts of her body that still cannot be touched, neck, ears, certain spots on her back. We kiss each other, but we don't make out. Sex just isn't going to happen.

 

My original post is here.

 

I love my wife and I want to stand by her through everything. It has gotten to the point were I've been getting angry at her. I didn't want to leave her, but didn't want to cheat either. She knows that I need that intimacy, and release. She feels bad all the time and hates herself for not being able to do those things for/with me. She tries, she just can't.

 

Around 2 months ago I went to an "erotic massage parlor". It started with just handjobs and I switched girls each time because somehow that made me feel better. Then I started going back to the same girl, it progressed to oral and then intercourse. I feel absolutely horrible. My wife is going through the same thing I am, but I'm the one escaping. Every time she wants to try something, I feel too bad. The woman I've been "seeing" has said I'm one of the best clients she's had because I'm nice to her and it doesn't feel like I'm just looking for somewhere to stick my penis. I'll admit, some "sessions" have been free, much cheaper or gone on a lot longer and I've pleased her as well. Which makes me feel more terrible because it seems worse if I'm not paying her. My wife probably has sexual tension too, but I can't release that for her...

 

A while ago she said that if I'm having sexual needs met elsewhere, that she understands but to never tell her. I don't want to tell her just to get it off my mind. I never want her to find out, yet I can't stop going. Nothing will ever happen between this other woman and I, it's her job. How do I get over this guilt?

 

 

 

Man that's rough. I love my wife to pieces and would be devastated if she was assaulted, and furious, but I don't think I could go 6 years without sex...

[lovemebreakme]

Let's start this by saying I'm not a ginormous D-bag. Give me the benefit of the doubt for a second here.

 

I am 35 and I have been married to my wife for 10 years, together for 12 years. She is 33. The beginning of our marriage was picture perfect. Sure we had normal couple squabbles but we were happy, very happy. We started having problems when trying to conceive children with no results. We went in for testing to see if there was a medical cause and discovered my wife was infertile, with about a 0.5% chance of conceiving naturally. We did the rounds of IVF, nothing stuck and we mutually decided to stop and adopt (which we never did).

 

4 years into our marriage my wife was sexually assaulted by a group of men while walking home. It has taken more than a toll on the relationship, it has almost destroyed it. That is my wife, the love of my life and I will always stand by her side.

 

That assault happened 6 years ago. She has gone through a lot of therapy, continues to this day. We have done solo therapy, couples therapy, sex therapy. She see's two of the best sexual assault therapists in this part of the country. Who my wife is as a person, I have gotten that part back. Outside of our sex life, she is the person who I married and we are finally happy again. In the bedroom, however, not so much. Not at all, in fact. I haven't so much as seen her naked or touched sexually in 6 years.

It has been extremely difficult and thus far I have not strayed from my marriage. I love my wife, with every inch of my being. I will stand by her side through everything. This whole process as been extremely difficult. The first year of her recovery she wouldn't even speak, make eye contact, show any sign of life or even eat, she was in a facility being tube fed and staring at the wall. She was alive and she was physically healthy, but my wife was not there.

 

I am having a very hard time with no sex at all. I have always had a very high sex drive (we use to have sex twice daily), I had a colorful past before I met my wife. Not having a hint of sexually intimacy is, to be honest, making me miserable. Self-pleasure only goes so far, it doesn't solve the need for a partner, to be wanted. I have thought about it for a long time but have yet to mention it to my wife.

 

Is it complete marriage suicide to propose an open marriage? With rules of course, not willy-nilly screw whoever you want, wherever, whenever. When she is upset she has told me to find someone else or sleep with someone else. But she is upset and it's not a real conversation. Deep down I know she doesn't want that, she also doesn't want to lose her marriage. I don't know if I can go the rest of my life without sex, or kissing.

 

 

Your wife was sexually assaulted, can't conceive naturally and her self-worth was compromised. Think about that for a minute. She probably already feels bad about having her dignity taken from her, not being able to have children. How do you think she'll feel if you propose this?

 

I can totally one hundred percent say this will destroy your marriage. You would be basically saying that you aren't satisfied with her and she will blame herself. She will always be on edge, will have any more self-issues and she will forever be wondering if you enjoy this other woman. Will he fall for this other woman?

 

IF you don't want to be in a relationship where there is no sex, or intimacy that is totally okay with you. But think about your wife's feelings, what she has been through and let her go. She may tell you she is okay with it, but will she be?

[BettyDraper]

My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married 10. She is the love of my life. 6 years ago my wife experienced a very traumatic sexual assault and we have not been intimate since. She has been, and continues to be, in therapy the entire duration. She has excellent people looking after her but came out of the trauma as the worst case scenario. She makes tiny, tiny steps towards intimacy, but they are HUGE for her. ie) in the beginning I couldn't even touch her, anywhere. Then I could touch a completely non-sexual part of her body like her shin. Then months later, her knees. Months and months later, lower thigh. There are some non-sexual parts of her body that still cannot be touched, neck, ears, certain spots on her back. We kiss each other, but we don't make out. Sex just isn't going to happen.

 

My original post is here.

 

I love my wife and I want to stand by her through everything. It has gotten to the point were I've been getting angry at her. I didn't want to leave her, but didn't want to cheat either. She knows that I need that intimacy, and release. She feels bad all the time and hates herself for not being able to do those things for/with me. She tries, she just can't.

 

Around 2 months ago I went to an "erotic massage parlor". It started with just handjobs and I switched girls each time because somehow that made me feel better. Then I started going back to the same girl, it progressed to oral and then intercourse. I feel absolutely horrible. My wife is going through the same thing I am, but I'm the one escaping. Every time she wants to try something, I feel too bad. The woman I've been "seeing" has said I'm one of the best clients she's had because I'm nice to her and it doesn't feel like I'm just looking for somewhere to stick my penis. I'll admit, some "sessions" have been free, much cheaper or gone on a lot longer and I've pleased her as well. Which makes me feel more terrible because it seems worse if I'm not paying her. My wife probably has sexual tension too, but I can't release that for her...

 

A while ago she said that if I'm having sexual needs met elsewhere, that she understands but to never tell her. I don't want to tell her just to get it off my mind. I never want her to find out, yet I can't stop going. Nothing will ever happen between this other woman and I, it's her job. How do I get over this guilt?

 

This is one of those unusual situations where a spouse has been given permission to stray due to an untenable situation. Your strong moral fiber and love for your wife is manifesting in your guilt. Please do NOT tell her that you have been going to a massage parlor. Your guilt is not your wife's problem and she has enough on her plate.

 

I would also advise you to pay another working girl to satisfy your needs. Getting too attached to a sex worker would not be good for either of you. You're on a slippery slope if she has already given you freebees. If you don't want to find a different sex worker, insist on paying for your sex sessions and tip her generously so that both of you can remember that this is a business relationship.

[wmacbride]

i don'tknow if this will help you or not,but if emotional intimacy is what you are seeking,you may well ahve already found it.

 

for your wife to trust you, or any other man for that matter, after what she has been through is a huge testament of her love for you. From what you say, she was, for all intents and purposes, gone for a year, yet she came back for you. She has worked so hard because she values her relationship with you. It would probably have been easier for her to just shut down altogether, but she didn't let than happen. She fought hard and went through an emotional hell to find her way back to you.

[wmacbride]

My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married 10. She is the love of my life. 6 years ago my wife experienced a very traumatic sexual assault and we have not been intimate since. She has been, and continues to be, in therapy the entire duration. She has excellent people looking after her but came out of the trauma as the worst case scenario. She makes tiny, tiny steps towards intimacy, but they are HUGE for her. ie) in the beginning I couldn't even touch her, anywhere. Then I could touch a completely non-sexual part of her body like her shin. Then months later, her knees. Months and months later, lower thigh. There are some non-sexual parts of her body that still cannot be touched, neck, ears, certain spots on her back. We kiss each other, but we don't make out. Sex just isn't going to happen.

 

My original post is here.

 

I love my wife and I want to stand by her through everything. It has gotten to the point were I've been getting angry at her. I didn't want to leave her, but didn't want to cheat either. She knows that I need that intimacy, and release. She feels bad all the time and hates herself for not being able to do those things for/with me. She tries, she just can't.

 

Around 2 months ago I went to an "erotic massage parlor". It started with just handjobs and I switched girls each time because somehow that made me feel better. Then I started going back to the same girl, it progressed to oral and then intercourse. I feel absolutely horrible. My wife is going through the same thing I am, but I'm the one escaping. Every time she wants to try something, I feel too bad. The woman I've been "seeing" has said I'm one of the best clients she's had because I'm nice to her and it doesn't feel like I'm just looking for somewhere to stick my penis. I'll admit, some "sessions" have been free, much cheaper or gone on a lot longer and I've pleased her as well. Which makes me feel more terrible because it seems worse if I'm not paying her. My wife probably has sexual tension too, but I can't release that for her...

 

A while ago she said that if I'm having sexual needs met elsewhere, that she understands but to never tell her. I don't want to tell her just to get it off my mind. I never want her to find out, yet I can't stop going. Nothing will ever happen between this other woman and I, it's her job. How do I get over this guilt?

 

So you were not being honest in your earlier postings. You have already been cheating on her, before you had the second conversation. I think you were just trying to get validation for what you have done so you won't feel guilty. That's why you only told one side.

[LargoLagg]

That assault happened 6 years ago. She has gone through a lot of therapy, continues to this day. We have done solo therapy, couples therapy, sex therapy. She see's two of the best sexual assault therapists in this part of the country. Who my wife is as a person, I have gotten that part back. Outside of our sex life, she is the person who I married and we are finally happy again. In the bedroom, however, not so much. Not at all, in fact. I haven't so much as seen her naked or touched sexually in 6 years.

If this hasn't come up in roughly 6 years of therapy, you've been either lying or wasting your time.

 

What do the two best experts in your part of the country have to say about this?

 

How long does she think you should stay celibate?

 

Oh, wait, that's you? The Happy Ending Parlor guy?

 

It sounds like what you want is the platonic relationship with your wife PLUS the sex part. She may not be able to give you that. What's a long term Plan B for you? Does she know about it?

 

Isn't therapy/counseling where you get all this stuff out?

 

I'm totally incompetent to provide any guidance. All I can do is ask the obvious questions.

[seren]

Brjen, I am sharing this in the hope it helps.

 

When I was a child I experienced long term sexual abuse, at 13 I was raped by 5 men. I never reported it, nor told anyone, mainly because my Dad and brother would have, without doubt, killed those who did it. For over 20 years I buried the secret, over the years I self harmed, drank, took drugs, slept around looking for love. I married twice and never told anyone, then I met my H and told him everything, I too carry scars on my genitals and of course those you cannot see. Once I told H I basically relived each and every moment, I shut down. I once told a counsellor and they said they couldn't deal with it all. Hmm

 

i worked with Rape and Sexual Abuse survivors, often having 3 way counselling sessions with the couple to try and work with them to manage how they dealt with things. Sometimes it worked, others not so well. I am assuming you know the details of the rape, what happened can influence taboo areas for the survivor. For example, there might have been enforced oral sex, or they might have been kissed, forcibly, that makes that area of the body violated and so even a kiss could be seen as a trigger. Smells, sounds etc all can set off a reaction. While some people might think 6 years is a long time, it really never goes away, certain sounds or smells can make it feel like yesterday, for me, the smell of oil or petrol can trigger a memory as they raped me in a garage. A stanley knife (box knife) was used on me, sometimes I can use one, other times they make me freeze. After telling H I found it hard to fully engage and would often freeze, it was the feeling of powerlessness, even now I cannot have anything cover my face as it brings things back and this was over 45 years ago, sometimes face to face sex can make me panic as I feel powerless. It can be the small things that trigger thoughts.

 

As for your problem, IDK if paying for sex or seeing another person is going to meet your needs. I will also share my H has been impotent for 3 years, I tell him it's Ok, that I love him, but I do miss intimacy at times, if it has to be this way then so be it. I fell in love with all this man not his penis. I take care of what I need myself, I just couldn't have another man as I love this one far too much. I know she has given permission, but I will bet she is just blaming herself everytime she thinks you might be getting your needs met.

I do understand and I think you have been brilliant at being supportive and being there for her. I also think the longer it stays unresolved the longer it will take her to feel whole. I wonder if you and she just had a romantic night away, no sex on the cards, just intimacy, whether it would break the deadlock. You would need to be aware of what triggers her, could be fabric, colour, smells etc and be sure to not have any of that around. Maybe start with dancing, run her a bath, wash her hair, all intimate without having sexual overtones as I am sure she is dreading that freeze moment.

 

No one can imagine the horror of rape, how it remains always, it never goes away, a person just manages to find a safe box in their head to put it. I used the suitcase scenario where we put our sessions in each end of session which stayed shut until we next met. I asked couples to learn to have fun, laugh again, go out and forget the sexual side, find the intimacy first. It is all about feeling safe to let go, to trust. I could go on and on as it is close to my heart. I so, so hope with all I have that it works out. You are a good man and they are worth the world. xxx Be kind to yourself.

Edited November 30, 2016 by seren