plugga Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 => Is it OK to bring my GF to my girl's birthday party 2 yrs after separation?? I've been divorced for over 2 years from my ex-wife. This year she wanted to organise a big birthday party for our 2 young daughters..which I agreed to & helping pay for (their birthdays are very close so it is a joint party). EX has had a BF for the past 2 years and me a GF for the last 1.5 years. No hostility etc between anyone but I know her BF doesn't like me and I don't like him (various reasons I will not go in to here) - BUT I am willing to put those aside... My GF has a young girl who is great friends with my girls...my ex said that my girls wanted to invite her to their party, and my ex did an invitation up for her girl, excluding the GF... I since told my GF she is invited too (as her girl is only 5) I had assumed that my ex knew by inviting her daughter my GF would go with her (although I didn't ask)...now party is closer my ex has said 'BTW your GF is not coming right?? This is a family/friends event and its disrespectful/uncomfortable for me if you bring your GF given my family / parents will be there...'etc... I think my ex needs to pull her head in and just get over it - she has a BF too so what's the big deal? It would make my girls happier if my GF's girl came too, and I want to share this moment of the party with my GF as well. Is my ex point valid and I should 'respect' her wishes not to bring my GF or tell my ex that I insist my GF comes...? I really want to do the latter but need some advice. I told my ex that I was OK with her BF coming to the party as well so they can both go; but coincidentally her BF cannot make it and she doesn't really want him there anyway...... Really don't know how to assertively insist that my GF be allowed to attend without saying things like 'understand your concerns but I'm bringing my GF' etc.. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Is her BF coming or has he came in the past? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 How does your current girl friend feel about it? I got a feeling that she might feel a bit uncomfortable being there especially if your ex doesn't want her there. There's a time and place for everything. This is about your kids birthday not about you, your ex or your girlfriend so maybe you should think this through a little more although you already told your girlfriend that she was coming. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author plugga Posted September 17, 2016 Author Share Posted September 17, 2016 Marc: her BF is not coming as he has something else on. I said to my ex that I wanted to bring my GF, and she could bring her BF too...and that's when I found out he can't make it. Bubbaganoosh: My current GF is a bit hurt/upset that she has sort of been 'uninvited' by my ex, expects me to stand up for her and at first her reaction was I'm not coming if I am not welcome etc but then second reaction was she will come (assuming I tell my ex and demand she's allowed to come) and enjoy herself as best she can... I know its 100% about the kids and not me, GF or EX-W...but my gut feeling is that looking solely from the kids perspective, they would like my GF and her daughter to be there, but on the flipside if the trade-off for that was an uncomfortable/unhappy mother maybe not.... Just can't work out whether to try and put my foot down and demand she be allowed to come, or give up and let my ex decide. But its a joint birthday party of our girls that we are both paying for / organising, so why does my ex get to decide everything?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 I've been divorced for over 2 years from my ex-wife. This year she wanted to organise a big birthday party for our 2 young daughters..which I agreed to & helping pay for (their birthdays are very close so it is a joint party). Where is the party being held? The highest road would be to go solo, make sure the focus of the party remains the birthday girls. Have your own low-key celebration later with your GF involved. Such are the complexities of divorce ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author plugga Posted September 17, 2016 Author Share Posted September 17, 2016 It's being held at a large function centre, about 40 people going. If I went solo I'll be hurting my GF as I have kept her in the loop the whole time about this party and we were both under the original impression she was invited. I know it sounds trivial but if I just go solo I let my ex dictate how I live my life/that she has 'control' of me and I'm demonstrating that I put my ex's feelings about my gf and am not loyal to my gf...or am I reading too much into it. The easy option is simply to ask my GF not to come to save me dealing any drama from the ex- but then I know I'm going to be causing a rift with my gf... I just feel it's unfair and unreasonable for my ex to have put me in this position at the last minute and either option I'm left to deal with some form of conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Is the party for your daughters...or your GF? Why isn't your focus on your daughters having a great time at their own birthday party? It is their party, right? Not your GF's? If your ex explicitly excluded your GF in sending out the invitation, why did you tell your GF to ignore the omission...she's invited anyway? Sadly, neither of you seems particularly interested in the well-being and happiness of the children involved. Why is whether you partially paid for your own children's event suddenly about your girlfriend's rights and your loyalty to your GF in your mind? Where is your loyalty to your daughters and your commitment to their happiness at an event that purportedly is all about them? It is truly shameful that a parent would spoil their own children's birthday and hijack their event in front of the children's friends for totally unnecessary adult drama? Surely there are better venues and occasions to introduce your current GF to your ex, her family, and social circle than an event that should be focused on two small children and their friends, not your GF??? This seems like such an inappropriate way, and honestly tasteless way, of going about that process. My advice would be to focus on your children for a change and stop turning everything into a petty battle of one-upping your ex and your ego, in this case, to the detriment of your own children. If you hadn't unilaterally vetoed your GF's clear non-invitation without having a discussion first, this would be a non-issue. But you did. We deal with the consequences of our actions and bad judgment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tcc7762 Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Maybe you could have a 2nd smaller event at your house or where ever, and invite x, her bf, his daughter and who ever your daughters want. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 ...my ex did an invitation up for her girl, excluding the GF... I since told my GF she is invited too (as her girl is only 5) I had assumed that my ex knew by inviting her daughter my GF would go with her (although I didn't ask)...now party is closer my ex has said 'BTW your GF is not coming right?? This is a family/friends event and its disrespectful/uncomfortable for me if you bring your GF given my family / parents will be there...'etc... -yet- I just feel it's unfair and unreasonable for my ex to have put me in this position at the last minute and either option I'm left to deal with some form of conflict. To be clear, your ex didn't put you in this position last minute. You did! She was up front from the outset that your GF wasn't invited. Neither of your partners was coming! It's you who chose to turn this into an ego challenge. It would have been very easy up front to say, it's a little girls' party. Let's avoid making this awkward for them, especially in front of all their small friends. My ex' boyfriend won't be there either. We've done stuff with the kids together before. We'll do something more personal and meaningful with them separately. It's just not the right time to put my children in an awkward situation. Instead you chose the opposite approach...ignore my ex's pointed non-invitation of you when she invited your daughter. You're coming! I say so! You escalated this and made it all about your ego and winning some perceived challenge that was never originally there. And are now in full-blown "you're not the boss of me" mode with your ex, like a petulant three-year old. I feel bad for your two daughters! What is supposed to be a great day for them and their friends, will likely turn into an awkwardfest of angry adults instead. Again, if you start to put your own children's best interests first, rather than your need to one-up your ex, when dealing with your ex, you will make better decisions for your girls, avoid a lot of unnecessary disagreements, and stop turning minor disagreements into full-blown problems. Your children are small. You're going to be dealing with your ex for a looonnnggg time. Focus on getting good at making joint decisions that best meet the needs of your daughters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 The BF has the good sense to stay away as it would be inappropriate for him to be there, it is only 2 years since you divorced after all. Friends and family do not need to be exposed to new bfs/gfs, your wife is correct. Think of the kids here, YOU take the gf's child to the party or organise some other friend/family member to come and take her to the party, she should not miss out over adults squabbling. The GF needs to stay at home. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author plugga Posted September 17, 2016 Author Share Posted September 17, 2016 The focus is on my daughters having a great birthday party. That's why I really wanted my GF to come and bring her girl as well, because my kids really like spending time with both of them and I felt that they would enjoy the party more if my GF's girl was going to be there. The reason I brought up the payment of the party is that this isn't a party that my ex has organised, and I am just coming along to, it's basically we have both 50/50 organised, paid, made the party happen...yes my ex was the one who bought the invitations but we both decided on the guest list and everything. My ex said my GF's daughter was invited and I foolishly assumed that also incorporated my GF coming along as well (given she is 5). I guess I should not have assumed that. But, my ex could have also made it clear that 'your GF's daughter can come but only on the proviso you brought her and not your GF attending' straight up instead of leaving it silent and then springing it on me at the last minute. It's not about my ego at all, I'm reaching out for help and advice because right now due to both my own assumptions and how I have dealt with this to date I now have an angry ex and an angry GF and am stuck in the middle not knowing which way to go. Sounds like the advice here is to tell my GF I stuffed up and should never assumed she was able to come and hope that she is not too hurt and get's over it by me 'uninviting her'. My ex has met my GF before, so this isn't the first time they would meet. But my ex's parents, family have not been exposed to my GF though. I don't need to one-up my ex, sorry if my previous posts sounded like that. We both jointly parent our children and get along amicably now, 99.9% of the time. This is one of the 0.1%. I just feel that because my ex's BF has something else on so he couldn't come anyway, that this meant my ex can veto my GF from coming and that it's her way and that's it... BUT, if you all think that the best option is for my GF not to go then that is good to know and I will then end up having to tell her that I made a mistake by assuming she would be invited and that I should have clarified that with my ex before telling her that and I'm sorry but she can't come... Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 FWIW, smart people make excuses for why they have a conflict and "can't" attend something, when it would be awkward. I suspect that's why her BF had "other" plans. You two don't like each other. He's not going to create tension at a birthday party for children. We all have triggers. It seems like yours got tripped. Whenever you feel yourself having a knee jerk, it's not fair that my ex *insert whatever it is*, just take a step back and ask, what's best for my children? You'll make better choices for your children that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 In terms of discussing it with your girlfriend, I would tell her you thought about it, and perhaps you were a little hasty initially. Her being there is going to create a lot of tension and awkwardness. You want to make sure your kids have a great time at their party. You don't want them embarrassed in front of their friends because the adults aren't getting along. The focus is on the kids having fun with all their friends. You'll do something more personal with her, the girls and others to celebrate. Maybe you can plan an amusement park outing, or whatever you all like to do that's kid-friendly. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Its at an event center with 40 people. Can't the ex and the gf just agree to politely avoid each other so the kids are happy and the adults equally uncomfortable? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 I know it sounds trivial but if I just go solo I let my ex dictate how I live my life/that she has 'control' of me and I'm demonstrating that I put my ex's feelings about my gf and am not loyal to my gf...or am I reading too much into it. You're right, it does sound trivial. This isn't about how you live your life, it's about how you spend two hours of it on a Saturday afternoon. Post divorce, went through a similar thing with my ex on Christmas. We were supposed to alternate Chritmas mornings but for the first couple years she always had an excuse why our son had to be at her house first - out of town family, big present, grandparents, etc. I could either agrue with her over it or allow him to have a drama-free holiday, chose the latter. It eventually sorted itself out. Your ex is being petty. Be the bigger man, let it go. IF you have the right GF for a divorced Dad, she'll understand... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 My exH & I have been separated for over 15 years, divorced for 10. We have a son who is married & they have two children. In the very beginning, we decided that we would not invite "others" to attend family gatherings. The decision was not based on our own feelings but in consideration of our son & other family members as it would change the dynamics of what would be a comfortable atmosphere. The one exception was my son's wedding, and it was his decision to invite our plus ones. Shortly after that, my ex brought his gf to my dil's graduation party without invitation--and without notice. The party was at our son's in laws home. Of course, his gf knew none of the other guests. Although no one treated her poorly (yes, I greeted her), she was left alone while he mingled. She was clearly uncomfortable & they left early. It has not happened again. Having respect for your ex's wishes is not allowing her to run your life. Pick your battles. This one is not worth causing drama over. Tell your gf the truth--that you did not confer with your ex before inviting her. If the girls enjoy being together, take her with you. If your gf has a problem with you being there for your daughter & keeping the peace with your ex, you may have some bigger issues to deal with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Beg to differ from majority of opinion e press here. Your ex invited your girlfriend's daughter who is only 5years old but did not explicitly stated that your girlfriend is unwelcome, so, by implication, Your girlfriend was invited but when she realized that her own boyfriend will not be in attendance, she made a u-turn and dis-invited your girlfriend. If you plan of having a long time relationship with your girlfriend, know that your girlfriend will be in your daughter's for a long time span so nev er allow your ex to ruin your relationship with her and that of your daughter. Stand by your girlfriend. If she isn't going your girlfriend's daugter will also not be in attendance. Never allow your ex to ruin your relationship.Beside, what is the cause of the hatred your ex's boyfriend is having on you. Did she cheated on you with her current boyfriend before you divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 I just feel that because my ex's BF has something else on so he couldn't come anyway, that this meant my ex can veto my GF from coming and that it's her way and that's it... I agree wholeheartedly. Because her boyfriend found a way to get out of going to a 5 year old's birthday party (lol - can you really blame the guy?) she finds herself without a date so she has the gall to dictate that YOU don't get to have a date, either. I think the biggest reason for that is because she doesn't want t be embarrassed in front of everyone that you have a date there and she doesn't. Jeez, it's so obvious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Beg to differ from majority of opinion e press here. Your ex invited your girlfriend's daughter who is only 5years old but did not explicitly stated that your girlfriend is unwelcome, so, by implication, Your girlfriend was invited but when she realized that her own boyfriend will not be in attendance, she made a u-turn and dis-invited your girlfriend. If you plan of having a long time relationship with your girlfriend, know that your girlfriend will be in your daughter's for a long time span so nev er allow your ex to ruin your relationship with her and that of your daughter. Stand by your girlfriend. If she isn't going your girlfriend's daugter will also not be in attendance. Never allow your ex to ruin your relationship.Beside, what is the cause of the hatred your ex's boyfriend is having on you. Did she cheated on you with her current boyfriend before you divorce? The invitation that was sent was for the daughter & did not include her mother. There was no u-turn. At my granddaughter's 4th bd party last year, there were a couple of children whose parents did not attend & came with parents of other children. Even the OP admits to extending the invitation on his own without discussing it with his exW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 If you plan of having a long time relationship with your girlfriend, know that your girlfriend will be in your daughter's for a long time span so nev er allow your ex to ruin your relationship with her and that of your daughter. Stand by your girlfriend. If she isn't going your girlfriend's daugter will also not be in attendance. Never allow your ex to ruin your relationship.Beside, what is the cause of the hatred your ex's boyfriend is having on you. Did she cheated on you with her current boyfriend before you divorce? The OP can either make this about him and his wants or his daughters birthday, it's his choice. I can tell you from experience, he'll have many other opportunities to make the same type of decision... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
startingagain15 Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 My bf's son graduated last year and x-wife and he had the grad. party together at a public venue. He made it clear his x-wife's bf was not to be in attendance. BF can't stand the new BF and neither can his son. I also did not attend, so there would be no discomfort on anyone's part. It was about their son, not girlfriends/boyfriends, and whatever other nonsense. Your GF may be a little hurt understandably, and maybe not want her daughter to attend without her. But it's reasonable for your x-wife to not want her to attend, esp. since her BF will also not attend. Link to post Share on other sites
AmandaDiane Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 I believe you should do whats best for the girls. #1 its their birthday #2 If you are serious about your GF you should definitely make it a comfortable situation for her to be around your children, but only if you are serious and you see a future. Now you should have a conversation with your ex, in a neutral space and talk about this. Express your concerns. Make sure you tell her you aren't doing this to show off your relationship but focus on the important reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Onceler Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 My GF has a young girl who is great friends with my girls...my ex said that my girls wanted to invite her to their party, and my ex did an invitation up for her girl, excluding the GF I guess, for me, this is an important detail. The day should be all about your daughter, so out of the gate, your new GF need not be there, and if it makes your ex uncomfortable for you to bring your new GF, then end of story. Except... The daughter of your GF was invited, because you daughter wanted her there. So, based on that, the child should be able to attend. It would be cruel to invite the kid, and then not allow her to go. So: (1) Is your GF's girl aware that she was/is invited? (2) Will the child go with you, in the absence of her mother? If your GFs daughter is aware of the invitation but afraid to attend without her mother, then I would say that your ex set herself up for this, and your GF should be invited as well. If the child is happy enough to attend with you and without her mom, then I would say that your new GF will need to put her own feelings aside for the larger good. Anyway, those are my 2 cents... Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 from what I undertstand you have already paid or invested in this party, but but next time let your ex make her own party, and you do your own celebration/party for your kids so you can say who can attend. Some exes can get along to the point they can both bring in their current partners and everyone have a good time, some exes cant and its understandable, in cases like that its best to have 2 separate celebrations for each holiday/event/bday etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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