I Love two different men and I can’t decide

[Big_Heart]

I have found myself in an almost impossible dilemma, and really need help in making a decision. Some may consider my situation enviable, but I assure you that it is very hard.

 

Some difficulties were brewing in the relationship with my common law partner of 3 years. We had an argument, which resulted in some unfortunate misunderstandings between us. Long story short, I was upset and sought the comfort from a friend … and that turned into an affair.

 

At first I kept this from my partner, but after a few weeks decided that I needed to tell him. I was expecting him to be very angry. He was shocked, stunned, and asked for some time to absorb. He was obviously very hurt, but said he was more concerned about finding a solution to the cause of the problem. I was prepared to leave home immediately, and had a place arranged. He wanted me to stay, but asked that if I was still entertaining the desire to communicate and see the new guy, that it would not be right to be under the same roof. He asked that I think it over and return when I was ready and 200% committed.

 

So I moved out of our home to think about it. I felt that the only way to resolve it was to spend more time with the new guy, to see if something was there. Now what has happened over that last 6 weeks is that I have continued a relationship with him, and feelings have grown. I am not living with him yet.

 

The problem is that I still love my partner.

 

He has told me that he has forgiven me. And he has articulated solutions to the issues we were having, and has given me confidence that going forward could possibly work for us.

 

But I am stuck, not knowing what to do. They both have many qualities to offer, but very different in a lot of ways. I can’t decide and don’t know what to do. I am feeling like a wreck. Trying to decide is like wading through wet cement. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away. I honestly thought I was better than what I have done, but here I am stuck. I cannot deny that I have strong feelings for both.

 

Making it worse is that my partner is hurting bad. It’s been 6 weeks now. He knows I am having an ongoing relationship with the new guy. It is tearing him apart. But he is holding on, because he loves me. And I am asking him to continue to reach out to me, and I to him, until I can decide. It is a gut wrenching tremendously difficult time.

 

I really do need help in finding some way to bring a resolution to this. Too many people are getting really hurt by my indecision, but I can’t seem to find the clarity to make the right decision. I am scared and confused. Please help me!

[Nowty V]

I am asking him to continue to reach out to me, and I to him, until I can decide.

 

You had prior commitments before the new chap.

 

He is a fool for hanging on.

 

You can bin the new chap and go back to old, or bin old and continue with new.

 

If you don't you may upset yourself or your previous partner.

 

Stress is quite often linked to illness.

Edited September 17, 2016 by Nowty V
civility & respect

[Popsicle]

People who do this and ruminate for too long end up pissing off and losing both potential partners.

 

Make a decision.

 

I think you should pick the new one because the old one is too hurt and it WILL taint your relationship for the rest of your life together.

[Alamo657]

Some difficulties were brewing in the relationship with my common law partner of 3 years. We had an argument, which resulted in some unfortunate misunderstandings between us. Long story short, I was upset and sought the comfort from a friend … and that turned into an affair.I am scared and confused. Please help me!

 

So much for women having harmless male friends uh ? Just another good example of the problem.

 

Anyway, you building up attraction with a guy before you properly separated from your new partner was not a smart move.

 

Now whatever you choose, you'll have regrets, unless one of them makes a mishaps that make you dislike them.

 

Obviously the problem here is not about making a choice between two men that you claim you love, but between the old and known (your official partner), and the new and unknown (the "new" guy).

 

So, what you first need to evaluate what you know, the relationship with your 3 years partner :

- do you get into arguments often ?

- what were your plans for the future ?

- do you have common interests , or do you respect each others activies ?

- are you a naturally promiscuous person ?

 

If you accumulate negative answers, then you need to break up with him.

 

As for the new guy, there is no point in comparing a budding passion to an established relationship, it's an exercise in futility.

 

On a personal note, if i was your partner, i'd never trust you EVER again, suspecting you of cheating anytime i'd have an argument with you, so there wouldn't be any possible relationship possible. In a way, you burned the bridges yourself.

Edited September 17, 2016 by Alamo657

[Satu]

snip

But I am stuck, not knowing what to do. They both have many qualities to offer, but very different in a lot of ways. I can’t decide and don’t know what to do. I am feeling like a wreck. Trying to decide is like wading through wet cement. *I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away. I honestly thought I was better than what I have done, but here I am stuck. I cannot deny that I have strong feelings for both.

 

 

*The absolute best thing would be for you to move out and spend some time alone; not in a relationship, not dating, not 'hooking up,' no fwb.

 

You think you love both, but in reality you don't love either of them, and that is why you can't decide.

 

Spend some time alone and work on getting your thoughts and feelings unscrambled.

 

 

Take care.