Fernando2826 Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 (edited) My ex and I broke up 2 years ago, ostensibly for uni. It was incredibly intense whilst we were together and she would often talk of our futures, kids etc. She confirmed this to independent parties as well, so I know she meant it. It ended with her treating me really quite badly, going off with another guy, due to her propensity to 'self sabotage anything good'. Her behaviour was all very shady, but she claimed nothing had happened with him. Recently she got back in contact with me, having just returned home for the Summer. She was immediately keen to meet up suggesting we do it as soon as possible. Meeting up, we had a really fantastic time and I could tell how keen she was to meet up again. Next day she was heavily hinting at a meet, so we went to the beach for the evening and ended up sleeping together. Afterwards she said how excited she had been to see me again, how she hadn't felt the same way about anyone since we had ended and how we get on better than she does with almost anyone else. She also reminisced about how great our relationship had been, cursed the timing of it and asked if I thought we would still be together were it not for uni. I was aware, however, that she had recently been broken up with by another guy, who she was on and off with for a year, and still had feelings for. Next day, she contacted me saying how she had enjoyed our time together recently and would be happy to meet up over the Summer more. She also kept sending flirtatious messages ie. how she wanted me in her bed, with her etc. I left it a day, with her still initiating, then suggested we meet for a walk. She said she was too tired after work and was going away early the next day. A few days later, she returned from her trip and suggested we meet for a walk, during which she tried to hold my hand, establish physical contact etc. and was enthusiastic to kiss, after I initiated. Flirtatious messaging continued that evening so next day I suggested we meet again, but she was busy. I left it at that. She initiated in the evening and we chatted, with her making reference to my 'being too nice to her' and asking ' where's the infuriating ignoring of me we once had?!'. She also made reference, however, to winning me back. Since I was going away for the next week, I messaged the next day, saying if she wanted to meet in the days before she should let me know. Three weeks have passed since then, and I have heard practically nothing, she just occasionally unenthusiastically messages me, or unenthusiastically responds, typically about her emotional struggles. In response to a recent message she sent, I suggested we meet up again but she basically palmed it off with a 'maybe' and 'I'll let you know'. Eventually she messaged two days later, asking for a coffee, but it felt very much like an afterthought. A few days later, she messaged again to say that she had become ill at work and wondered if I might give her a lift home. I was reluctant but agreed since she was ill. The next day, after prompting from a friend, I sent a message to her asking whether something had changed, telling her that if she thought it a bad idea, or had other things going on, that was fine, but I'd like to know, as I'd be pleased to see her more. She responded by telling me that she had really enjoyed the time with me, hadn't met anyone else or anything of the sort, but didn't want to head back towards 'us', since she is just coming off the back of a relationship, and a rocky personal period as a result. I'm concerned that I came on too strong - on the night we slept together, I told her that I wasn't willing to be a rebound, or a distraction and she assured me this wasn't the case. I also told her, not in relation to us but in general, that I'm not into casual things. I also worry that I seemed too available, too eager to meet. Does this sound the case? I also wonder whether she did actually cheat when we split, and feels that plus her potential lying about it means that we could never be together again, as she feels she would have to confess it. Edited September 17, 2016 by Fernando2826 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 If you don't want to be a rebound or distraction, you don't date people who were just dumped by their boyfriend! At any rate, people break up for a reason. Nothing's changed here. She continues to disregard your feelings and treat you poorly when it suits her. Unless you're a masochist, move on already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fernando2826 Posted September 17, 2016 Author Share Posted September 17, 2016 Thanks for your reply. Why do you believe she has disregarded my feelings? Any other thoughts from you guys would be great, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Jacob_Duluoz Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 I've read a couple of your posts now about this woman. She disregards your feelings because even though your her friend and she runs to you when things are bad she's afraid of commitment and will probably always be. I don't think you'll ever get a serious relationship out of her and your best move is to set a firm boundary that you're not just there for her taking. Always gonna be this way... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 This is an easy one. Whomever she recently broke up with has resurfaced. She came to you when things went south with him, because she knew she could rely on you for attention and affection. When this guy appeared again or when they made amends, she bailed on you. I would bet my bottom dollar on it. You didn't come on too strong. She just wasn't with you for the right reasons. I strongly advise you to really move on from her. She's not good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fernando2826 Posted September 18, 2016 Author Share Posted September 18, 2016 This is an easy one. Whomever she recently broke up with has resurfaced. She came to you when things went south with him, because she knew she could rely on you for attention and affection. When this guy appeared again or when they made amends, she bailed on you. I would bet my bottom dollar on it. You didn't come on too strong. She just wasn't with you for the right reasons. I strongly advise you to really move on from her. She's not good for you. Turns out this is likely accurate. You're right in the suggestion to move on fully. I do wonder whether this has all made me look rather weak, easily led or some such, or still highly invested - does it come across this way from the interactions mentioned above? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Turns out this is likely accurate. You're right in the suggestion to move on fully. I do wonder whether this has all made me look rather weak, easily led or some such, or still highly invested - does it come across this way from the interactions mentioned above? No, it just seems that you followed her lead. She opened the door, you went though it. It wasn't a great idea, but you're human. Don't worry about appearing weak or invested. I can promise you it doesn't make a difference to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Every interaction with her will probably end up the same. Go dark, block everything and don't look back Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fernando2826 Posted September 23, 2016 Author Share Posted September 23, 2016 No, it just seems that you followed her lead. She opened the door, you went though it. It wasn't a great idea, but you're human. Don't worry about appearing weak or invested. I can promise you it doesn't make a difference to her. Turns out we were almost right. She is with a different guy, whom she has been seeing for about the last 2 months. I still don't understand it - immediately wanted to spend time with me, said all that she said, then met someone else. It seems she was in two minds about him for some time, resisting the urge to get together with him, then eventually decided to let it happen and they are now together. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 Turns out we were almost right. She is with a different guy, whom she has been seeing for about the last 2 months. I still don't understand it - immediately wanted to spend time with me, said all that she said, then met someone else. It seems she was in two minds about him for some time, resisting the urge to get together with him, then eventually decided to let it happen and they are now together. Unfortunately, I'm not surprised at all. Her behaviour was very typical of someone making sure they have a back-up boyfriend while actually dating and hoping for someone else. Her words to you were pretty meaningless, and said to ensure you'd be there in case her other guy didn't work out. I would imagine it was the guy who finally told her her wanted to be with her, not the other way around. In any case, I'm sorry this happened to you. I know you were getting your hopes up. In the future, be wary of any ex than randomly and suddenly comes back...especially those who've recently ended a different relationship. They're almost never reappearing for the right reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Densel Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 What she is doing is really horrible. And it amazes me that when she looked you up, you can pretend nothing happeed and had a good time with her. She treated you badly during the break up and went off with another guy. What were you thinking when you first met her again? Is it a one night stand or a path to reconcile? You dont sleep together on the 1st date unless you just want an ONS. You need to find out her true intentions why did she look you up after so long. Yes i agree she must have feelings for you. But what kind? Confused? You have to draw the line clearly now as not to continue being lead on by her. Link to post Share on other sites
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