Update - Happy Ending

[Anna-Belle]

<moderator note: here's a link to the previous thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/292320-new-here>

 

Hello, all!

 

I just logged in and noticed there was a PM awaiting me asking for an update, so I thought I'd share it with you all. I used to post quite a lot here long ago.

 

Our relationship is a rekindled relationship. We fell in love as teenagers and once again in our mid-forties. We were in an LDR EMR for 7 years and then had a Dday. My then MM separated and moved out from the marital home 3 years ago. Since then I've been visiting him for long time periods living in his apartment. I've gotten to know his children and he has been in my country and met all my loved ones.

 

The divorce process has been slow and they are just now reaching the very end of it. Eventually we will be seeking visa for me so I can live in his country. We are very happy together, loving each other as much as always. The transition phase has been challenging but we have had the help of a great couple's counselor to help us work through our issues.

 

His stbxW has been dating and is presently on her second boyfriend post her husband. She seems to be happy and has gotten a new chance at life, doing things she never would have done if they had stayed married.

 

So all in all it certainly has been worth it. And I'm glad it took the time it took. My former MM needed that time. We both enjoyed our relationship also when it was an EMR which is key IMO.

 

:love:

Edited September 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added link to previous thread ~6

[goodyblue]

<moderator note: here's a link to the previous thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/292320-new-here>

 

Hello, all!

 

I just logged in and noticed there was a PM awaiting me asking for an update, so I thought I'd share it with you all. I used to post quite a lot here long ago.

 

Our relationship is a rekindled relationship. We fell in love as teenagers and once again in our mid-forties. We were in an LDR EMR for 7 years and then had a Dday. My then MM separated and moved out from the marital home 3 years ago. Since then I've been visiting him for long time periods living in his apartment. I've gotten to know his children and he has been in my country and met all my loved ones.

 

The divorce process has been slow and they are just now reaching the very end of it. Eventually we will be seeking visa for me so I can live in his country. We are very happy together, loving each other as much as always. The transition phase has been challenging but we have had the help of a great couple's counselor to help us work through our issues.

 

His stbxW has been dating and is presently on her second boyfriend post her husband. She seems to be happy and has gotten a new chance at life, doing things she never would have done if they had stayed married.

 

So all in all it certainly has been worth it. And I'm glad it took the time it took. My former MM needed that time. We both enjoyed our relationship also when it was an EMR which is key IMO.

 

:love:

 

I have wondered about you. I am so glad to hear things are going well. I know we are the lucky ones and I never take that for granted. Congrats on getting it right. Xx

[minimariah]

thanks for the update!

 

i have a question -- what is your relationship like with the kids, do they know about the affair; what is their custody arrangement like?

 

also: what does "EMR" stand for? is it "extra-marital relationship"? sorry, just wondered about it... LOL.

[cocorico]

It's always great when people pop in with such lovely updates.

 

What have been the biggest challenges of the transition phase for you? And what have been the best parts of no longer being the OW, in your experience?

[Anna-Belle]

thanks for the update!

 

i have a question -- what is your relationship like with the kids, do they know about the affair; what is their custody arrangement like?

 

also: what does "EMR" stand for? is it "extra-marital relationship"? sorry, just wondered about it... LOL.

 

Yes, EMR stands for extramarital relationship. Personally I don't like the term "affair" as IMO it contains a degrading view of the relationship. To me an EMR has the same attributes as any other relationship, the only difference is that it takes place outside a marriage, ie is extramarital.

 

All our children, both him and mine, are aware our relationship started as an EMR (well, that is if you discount when we met as teenagers which they are also aware of). My oldest daughter recently came to visit us here in the US. She and one of my former MM's sons had an interesting discussion about how it had felt before, during and after Dday from their view. This might well have been the first time his son opened up concerning this subject. It was good to see how well the two connected and how open they were able to be with each other.

 

My kids are all adult by now, living by themselves. He still has two kids living mostly at their mom's, but they come and go as they want at his place as it is closer to their school and job.

 

I get along fairly well with the kids which live nearby. It can still be a bit awkward if I'm by myself at his apartment when they show up. I really like his oldest son, the one my daughter got along with well as well. He's the one I've spent most time with and he's very social which helps.

 

The fact that I go back to my own country for months has of course somewhat prolonged the time it will take for his kids and I to be completely comfortable around each other. But we definitely don't start at zero when I'm back here again. It's getting better and better all the time.

[Anna-Belle]

It's always great when people pop in with such lovely updates.

 

What have been the biggest challenges of the transition phase for you? And what have been the best parts of no longer being the OW, in your experience?

 

The transition phase has been going on so long, 3 1/2 years, my answer might have been different depending on when you asked me. Let me try to think back over time.

 

I'd say the biggest challenges were:

 

1) his children are very conflict-avoidant, while my children are very forthright. Because of this in the beginning, and sometimes still with the youngest, they wouldn't even make eye contact, which is considered very rude in my country. It took time for me to understand that a lot of their behavior wasn't personal, it was due to a different upbringing.

 

2) the fact that he was more concerned about his wife feeling as an outsider with his extended family than how I felt when I was told to stay home so she could go! It has taken time for his bonds to her to lessen.

 

3) not feeling too resentful that he is agreeing to pay an incredulous amount of spousal support even though it means that he for many years will be spending a considerable amount of his working hours working for her. I do have trouble understanding her feeling of entitlement and lack of concern for fairness in financial status between the two of them.

 

Best parts:

 

1) Not being hidden

2) Being able to spend months and months living together as a regular couple

3) Free access to him 24/7 - not ever again having to experience him hanging up on me in the driveway as he returned home

[William]

After deleting way more posts then I kept for being off topic I'll remind everyone that this thread is about the OP's situation and not the general topic of finances in divorce... So let's try again. ~Thank you

Edited September 21, 2016 by William

[MadJackBird]

Yes, EMR stands for extramarital relationship. Personally I don't like the term "affair" as IMO it contains a degrading view of the relationship. To me an EMR has the same attributes as any other relationship, the only difference is that it takes place outside a marriage, ie is extramarital.

 

:sick::sick::sick:

 

I also don't like the term affair, but because of the opposite reason you mentioned. I feel it makes light of what the situation really was. It was adultery. Affair sounds so light and fluffy and whatever, like it was not a big deal, and the quoted part really sits sort of icky with me, like you are making it sound like relationships outside of marriage should be accepted, I get I'm a BS commenting in the OM/OW forum so I'll let it go, and I know nothing of your situation, but it sounds as if you are in a happier place now so congrats.

 

Out.

[cocorico]

 

So all in all it certainly has been worth it. And I'm glad it took the time it took. My former MM needed that time. We both enjoyed our relationship also when it was an EMR which is key IMO.

 

:love:

 

That (bolded) is really all that matters.

[goodyblue]

That (bolded) is really all that matters.

 

Yep, this exactly.

[Anna-Belle]

Thinking back on my time at Loveshack, I got a lot of advice from BSs and OP no longer in EMRs. Thankfully I didn't follow it or I wouldn't be where I am today: in a relationship out in the open with a wonderful, caring man.

 

One piece of advice I got after Dday and him separating from his wife was to not accept anything but a quick finalized divorce. Instead I gave him time and space to do it his way while we continued our relationship, now out in the open. Today he is divorced. It has taken him 3 years post separation to get here.

 

It takes time for bonds to dissolve and most married men who enter into another relationship while they are married are still more or less bond to their wives. I have given my former MM time for his bonds to her to dissolve and meanwhile enjoyed our relationship. Nobody but you as the OP in an EMR can decide if your relationship is worth it to you. Listen to your own heart first and foremost, you who are in the EMR are really the only one who can determine whether it is worth it. It was and still is to me.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Anna-Belle

[cocorico]

Thinking back on my time at Loveshack, I got a lot of advice from BSs and OP no longer in EMRs. Thankfully I didn't follow it or I wouldn't be where I am today: in a relationship out in the open with a wonderful, caring man.

 

One piece of advice I got after Dday and him separating from his wife was to not accept anything but a quick finalized divorce. Instead I gave him time and space to do it his way while we continued our relationship, now out in the open. Today he is divorced. It has taken him 3 years post separation to get here.

 

It takes time for bonds to dissolve and most married men who enter into another relationship while they are married are still more or less bond to their wives. I have given my former MM time for his bonds to her to dissolve and meanwhile enjoyed our relationship. Nobody but you as the OP in an EMR can decide if your relationship is worth it to you. Listen to your own heart first and foremost, you who are in the EMR are really the only one who can determine whether it is worth it. It was and still is to me.

Agree completely.

 

I've never understood advice that claims that if it's love, he'll leave the BS within weeks / months at most. Unless he was already on his way out, hitching a ride with the first person who offers, of course it will take time for any serious person to weigh up the consequences of leaving vs staying, for themselves and for everyone else who would be affected. And to get to know the OW properly (unless they have an existing, current friendship) - I suspect even a rekindled relationship needs some careful consideration of whether who they have both become still works, together, as it once did. Pushing someone to leave before they are ready just leads to uncertainty, possible backtracking and doubt, and insecurity all round. I'm glad our R took its time, too. We were both sure at each step of the way, and every day we reaffirm our choices.

 

If I'd believed the advice I was given - that he was lying, that "they all say that", that etc" - I'd have missed out on he greatest adventure ever, and the deepest love in every known. Absolutely trust your own eyes and ears above randoms with cookie-cutter advice. If your R is working for you, and your life is better with the person in it than out, then enjoy it. Do what works for you. You have only one life, and it's brief. Don't waste it.

 

:bunny::bunny: