Rough time, looking for .

[Lostinky]

Me and my wife of just over a year separated a little over a month ago. Like most people I assumed things were going great up until I got the news she wasn't happy. She accepted part of the blame for the separation since we both aren't very good at communicating our anger or feelings in general. We haven't set a time for this separation and I definitely want things to work out. She has a stepson who I love dearly and it's rough on him as well. She has moved to an apartment while I'm still on our house and we do text occasionally but just small talk. She says she's in unsure of what she wants right now and that she doesn't know if she just does not want to hurt me or if she just doesn't really want to let me go. I really haven't made the same mistakes a lot of people do make have not begged and pleaded for her to come back. I started reading self-help books as soon as we separated and have control of my emotions for the most part. As with most people I'm just going through kind of a rough day and I'm looking for advice on how to continue I know this limbo thing is hard for everybody. During the separation we have agreed not to see anybody else why we're here trying to figure things out. She is a little concerned that even after a month she is unaware What feelings and what she needs to do to help work on this if she even wants to it all. Any advice what should ever be appreciated as I love this lady with all my heart and don't want to be without her.

[LancasterAmos1966]

She says she's in unsure of what she wants right now and that she doesn't know if she just does not want to hurt me or if she just doesn't really want to let me go.

 

I really haven't made the same mistakes a lot of people do make have not begged and pleaded for her to come back. I started reading self-help books as soon as we separated and have control of my emotions for the most part. As with most people I'm just going through kind of a rough day and I'm looking for advice on how to continue I know this limbo thing is hard for everybody.

 

I'm sorry Lostinky that you are facing this situation.

 

It's good to see that you have not done the begging and pleading for her to return --- I made that mistake, and am glad to see that you've got a hold on your emotions.

 

Your life has changed due to her moving out, and having a rough day is normal.

 

If you want some tidbits on how to wait for her, then google "standing for your marriage."

 

I'm not in agreement with hanging around for a spouse that left because, in my opinion, true love sets them free if that is what they want.

 

Hopefully I'm not sounding all negative but I wished I would have faced the reality of my marriage situation before I wasted a few good years hanging onto her.

 

I'm no professional counselor, but I do know that when someone moves out, that's not a good sign.

 

And of course she doesn't want to hurt you --- I really hope you believe that. If she wanted to hurt you, I'm guessing she could come up with a thousand ways to accomplish that.

 

Just like some employees will walk away from a good paying job, there are some spouses that will walk away from a good marriage. Doesn't make sense to me, but I accept it, because that is what happened to me.

 

At this point, your wife wants to be free. You are doing a good job with giving her space and so I would suggest keeping up your normal routine of life.

 

Whatever you did with her -- eating out, going to the gym, sitting on the porch, whatever --- go do those same things without her.

 

Having 2 in the saddle is nice, but you can ride solo too, and still have a nice ride.

[Lowrider93]

I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation, it's hard when the person you care about the most in this life doesn't have the same feelings for you.

 

You know it's ok to live your life without her if things don't work out the way you hope for, having the support of family and friends is helpful.

 

This is your opportunity to do some soul searching and determine what's important to you, you don,t have the ability to control what your wife feels.

 

When the going gets tuff, The tough get going.

 

Peace

[BluesPower]

I have been there as well.

 

First, you need to continue to work on you, a lot. If you guys don't make it you will be in a better place for the next go around.

 

I am hoping that there is no infidelity on either side because that changes everything.

 

The thing that helped me was me helping myself and getting to a healthier place in life. The other thing that helped me is that I was totally willing to let my wife go if that is what I had to do. You have to get to that place.

 

If she is not happy, why is she not happy? Can she tell you? You guys can go to marriage counseling if both of you want to work on it. Was the sex life dull for you or her?

 

Either way things go, you don't want someone that does not want you. It is setting you up for a life of misery.

 

Some more info on what was going on would help us give better advice if you want to talk about that.

 

Hang in there, it is not over until it is over...

[Mr. Lucky]

Like most people I assumed things were going great up until I got the news she wasn't happy. She accepted part of the blame for the separation since we both aren't very good at communicating our anger or feelings in general. We haven't set a time for this separation and I definitely want things to work out. She has a stepson who I love dearly and it's rough on him as well. She has moved to an apartment while I'm still on our house and we do text occasionally but just small talk. She says she's in unsure of what she wants right now and that she doesn't know if she just does not want to hurt me or if she just doesn't really want to let me go.

 

Certainly suggests interest in another man, predating your separation. Her dissatisfaction with you is tied to seeing him as romantic and wonderful in ways you're not. Unless you've been unemployed/abusive/addict or alcoholic, very few women with kids jump from marriage without a place to land.

 

Do you have access to her phone account, email, text or social media? Along with financial records, that's where I'd start.

 

Not always the case but you may have a fox in the henhouse. You should at least know what you're up against, especially with children involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pete2304]

Lucky I'm not entirely sure quite how helpful that response is. Whilst the situation that's been described is certainly far from ideal it's not necessarily iredemable and again whilst it's certainly possible there is someone else involved I'm not sure you should take it upon yourself to suggest that and then recommend going through phones and accounts.

 

This relationship certainly sounds in trouble but, having been through my fair share, I can say that on occasion a break can actually work for couples and I'm pretty sure that being caught red handed hacking into a Facebook account or reading text messages at any given opportunity is unlikely to endear anyone to someone they still love.

 

My advice would be back to basics, try a little romance even. If you have to ask the questions even if you don't want to know the answers but I've never known of anyone who, if they have fallen out of love won't actually be honest because their fear or hurting you isn't what it was. If she truly doesn't want you anymore, she will probably be glad of the opportunity to just be blunt but then again you may just find that you can fix this. Doesn't sound good mate but give it your best shot then at least you will always know you tried and I find it a damn sight easier to look myself in the mirror knowing I threw the kitchen sink at my relationship and so I will always know I tried.

[BluesPower]

Pete, lucky may be a little quick, but I have not seen one of these yet where another man was not involved, unless she is bat s*** crazy.

 

Women just don't do this type of thing, usually, unless they are having an affair.

 

OP, if you still care, you need to start with the phone records and all the detective stuff and see what you find. If you don't find anything, well that is good. My guess is that you will.

 

May guess is that she is having an affair and trying to figure out if the OM is worth leaving you.

 

Either way, you are going to have to decide what you want.

[Mr. Lucky]

Lucky I'm not entirely sure quite how helpful that response is. Whilst the situation that's been described is certainly far from ideal it's not necessarily iredemable and again whilst it's certainly possible there is someone else involved I'm not sure you should take it upon yourself to suggest that and then recommend going through phones and accounts.

 

This relationship certainly sounds in trouble but, having been through my fair share, I can say that on occasion a break can actually work for couples and I'm pretty sure that being caught red handed hacking into a Facebook account or reading text messages at any given opportunity is unlikely to endear anyone to someone they still love.

 

My advice would be back to basics, try a little romance even. If you have to ask the questions even if you don't want to know the answers but I've never known of anyone who, if they have fallen out of love won't actually be honest because their fear or hurting you isn't what it was. If she truly doesn't want you anymore, she will probably be glad of the opportunity to just be blunt but then again you may just find that you can fix this. Doesn't sound good mate but give it your best shot then at least you will always know you tried and I find it a damn sight easier to look myself in the mirror knowing I threw the kitchen sink at my relationship and so I will always know I tried.

 

Couldn't disagree more. You can "wine and dine" til the cows come home but if her attention is elsewhere, all for naught. The OP needs to take some simple steps (looking into a joint cell or financial account isn't hacking) and if he runs into a wall of secrecy, that should be noted also.

 

Pete, I hope you're 100% right and I'm 100% wrong, there is no "one size fits all" answer to marital disconnect. I also agree the OP needs to own his role in all this. But those who do not learn history are indeed doomed to repeat it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pete2304]

I have no idea if what you are suggesting is the case or not and I will be honest, if I was a betting man....You may well be on the money. But there's a chance you aren't and being caught with a hand in the cookie jar or an email account could be the straw that breaks the camels back. I honestly get the impression that there's a chance this marriage wasn't wanted on both sides from the start but we don't know. I had a relationship end years ago that actually could have been saved with a little more romance and effort. And I know this because we still speak ten years later.

[Lowrider93]

Pete, has the topic of mc ever came up, usually that would be the first step in repairing a marriage that both partners wish to mend, not moving into an apartment.

 

Your wife may not be involved with another person, however you may have to consider that you are on her list of "Don't Want Anymore".

 

Love is blind.

[BluesPower]

Pete, a married man has every right to look into things. I don't give a s*** what anyone says. Give me a break with that hacking crap.

 

If you care you need to check. If you don't care don't. But waiting around for her to make up her mind is a total puss move.

 

I hope that I am wrong, only if I am you may have some other issues that are almost as bad.

 

I have never, ever seen a woman do what she has done without another man involved in the situation. Sorry, but that is the truth.

 

You have to make the decision...

[Pete2304]

This thread wasn't about me mate. My wife is sleeping with someone else and has been for some time and there is not a shadow of a doubt about that because she has told me so I know where I stand that's for sure. All I was saying to the OP and re the subsequent responses was that there isn't necessarily another man involved and I'm not sure how great an idea it is for that to be assumed when it hadn't been mentioned. Do I think you are right? Probably. That said, like I mentioned above I was involved in a similar situation years ago and in fact there wasn't another man involved with her until a couple of years later and after she had moved out, had I gone and made the effort it would have been fixable. You can't just assume, there's so many relationship issues on this site and one solution of get rid and move on doesn't fit every problem.

[BluesPower]

You are right, put wrong name there, my bad.

 

 

That post was for OP.

[BluesPower]

I also get your point but this is a totally strange thing for a woman to do if she is not having an affair.

 

I could be wrong, but I don't think so. I am also trying to get OP to look at all the possibilities.

 

I am betting that with a little snooping he will find out that she is sleeping with someone else. He kind of needs to know what is going on IMHO.

 

But, who knows?

[Pete2304]

There has to have been people who posted on here with what sounds at first like an utterly hopeless situation who have then gone on to in fact sort things out. There are a lot of posters here who have gone through some awful experiences and as a result are tougher than they were before and won't ever put up with being messed around in the future and so they will instantly advise a tough stance. If the OP's partner feels marriage wasn't what she wanted maybe it's all gotten too much.

 

I honestly think the OP will know if there's anything left or not without reading a single text or anything else. We all know. Some people (me being a shockingly bad example) cling on so much that they destroy themselves but deep down you know if it's gone.

 

Moving out is an awful sign, and it's probably the end but some of those old cliches are common for a reason and absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that....