Accidental emotional affair?

[JElk]

I've been working at my current job a little over a year. I'm the administrative support for a large group of out of states cowrkers.

 

There is one guy who is much friendly than the others. Whenever he calls we chat about the weather, sports, how our weekend was, etc.

 

Most other people I interact with strictly communicate via email. He never emails as he considers it too impersonal. However, of I'm out of the office he communicates almost exclusively via email to my cover person.

 

Over the months we've found we have a great deal in common. Sometimes we talk once a day, other times we talk 20-30 times per week. We always speak at least once a day. At times we have 2-3 min. business calls, others are 30-40 mins. calls with very little work talk. Anything that comes up work related he calls and we discuss in depth.

 

None of our conversations have ever been inappropriate. As a matter of fact he mentions his wife and children quite often. He tells me about family vacations, shares his love of his hobbies with me, mentions things he and his wife enjoy doing, etc. We talk about any and everything. He rarely mentions anything negative about his wife. He did recently when she got upset about him going out of town on back to back weeks, one for business and one for an annual trip with a couple of college buddies. I never really mention marital issues either. Have only joked a couple of times about being happy my kids enjoy the same hobbies I do or I would be going solo to certain events my husband doesn't care to attend. No spouse bashing from either of us, ever.

 

This week he had a major screw up. He immediately called me, asked my advice, talked extensively to me about how stupid he felt, then kept me in the loop over the next couple of days with everything going on as he tried to fix his screw up.

 

I've become very fond of him. I really enjoy our talks and look forward to his calls. Up until recently I simply viewed him as a coworker I had developed a friendship with. I've always had more male than female friends, never have I developed feelings.

 

I'm also married. Typically I come home and recount my conversations with my coworkers to my husband. My husband recently made the joke I was going to take this coworker to the middle school dance. My husband will listen for a bit then tell me he doesn't care to hear anything else about "Joe". Because of this I've stopped sharing many of our conversations. Although if something of consequence comes up I'll still mention it. I'm not trying to keep anything secret and more than happy to tell my husband he just typically doesn't care to hear about my daily conversations with any of coworkers.

 

"Joe" and I have texted. Usually a funny picture. Usually one text back and forth and that's it. He's also texted me pictures to see what he looks like, since we've never met, but those pics also had his wife and kids in them.

 

I don't believe we're doing anything wrong. However, from things I've witnessed over the years with other couples, and things I've recently read on emotional affairs, I can't help but wonder if we are pushing the outer limits of acceptable friendly behavior between coworkers.

 

Are there things I should be mindful of? Signs I should look for? Or am I overrreading because of stories I've heard and we are simply coworkers who have developed a nice, strictly platonic work friendship? Because we've never met, and all our interactions are phone conversations, what signals normal and what is crossing the line? How much time talking is too much?

 

Advice, experiences of others, and/or additional insight greatly appreciated.

[CarrieT]

Why don't you suggest that you all get together - so your husband can meet him and you can meet his wife?

 

If you don't want that, than it is inappropriate.

 

If he doesn't want that, than it is inappropriate.

 

It is that simple. Share the friendship you two have with your spouses; if you can't or won't than it needs to be shut down.

[Lewhawk]

Something here really caught my eye, based on your husband's middle school dance comment and him not wanting to hear about "Joe", he's not saying he doesn't want you to talk about your conversations, he's saying he doesn't want you having the conversations at all, he suspects that something is going on. I think this friendship is playing with fire and you husband probably thinks the same thing.

[JElk]

CarrieT. -- Thank you for the response. We live multiple states apart. We've never met. I do expect to meet him in the first quarter of 2017. It will be at a business conference though and neither of our spouses will be in attendance.

[NeotericJack]

.... I don't believe we're doing anything wrong. However, from things I've witnessed over the years with other couples, and things I've recently read on emotional affairs, I can't help but wonder if we are pushing the outer limits of acceptable friendly behavior between coworkers.

 

Are there things I should be mindful of? Signs I should look for? Or am I overrreading because of stories I've heard and we are simply coworkers who have developed a nice, strictly platonic work friendship? Because we've never met, and all our interactions are phone conversations, what signals normal and what is crossing the line? How much time talking is too much?

 

Advice, experiences of others, and/or additional insight greatly appreciated.

 

All this is very interesting because I'm looking at a similar situation from the other side.

 

I'm very fond of a female coworker who is married, as am I. We work together in a retail business and talk about a lot of things which I think go well beyond normal coworker subjects. Nothing, however, is inappropriate. We talk about our children and prior work experiences. We talk about our coworkers. Neither of us criticizes or tells embarrassing stories of our spouses.

 

She has worked at the store for over a year but I've only began feeling affection for her about 5 months ago. How long have you been feeling affection for your coworker?

[aileD]

CarrieT. -- Thank you for the response. We live multiple states apart. We've never met. I do expect to meet him in the first quarter of 2017. It will be at a business conference though and neither of our spouses will be in attendance.

 

This is a horrible idea and how emotional affairs turn to physical affairs

 

You're walking a fine line, you haven't overstepped yet.....but you're on the edge

 

Read more here, people's stories. Read about how they start and how lives are ruined and people are tortured inside.

 

Then walk far far away

[ladydesigner]

I suggest reading 'Not Just Friends.' I think the fact that you are asking this here means you are feeling something for the co-worker. You are definitley on what is called the slippery slope.

[Friskyone4u]

At the rate this is progressing it will be interesting to see what and if you post after 1Q2017 when you and "Joe" are together without spouses around.

 

You ought to take the suggestion to read "Not Just Friends" very seriously and pay attention to it because you are more than one step down the slippery slope.

 

And not thinking you are doing anything wrong i call bull **** on because you are on a forum of strangers asking if you are doing anything wrong.

 

the answer is yes. You have established a relationship with a man other than your husband who you are most likely looking forward anxiously to your interactions with electronically and your husband has noticed this is above and beyond normal by his comments.

 

So if you are smart you will cut it out right now and set some firm boundaries for YOURSELF or this business conference you are attending may start the destruction of your marriage. At the rate you are going by the time you get physically in the same location with "Joe" you will be sharing way too much and the next step is physical contact. if you were not aware that could happen you would not be here.

 

So be honest with yourself.

[OneLov]

You are nearing the event horizon. The closer you near the black hole, spacetime begins to deform. There will be more paths leading to the black hole than away from it. Once you cross the event horizon, it is no longer possible to escape. But remember, black holes do not suck you in like a vacuum; an object enters their gravitational field.

[JElk]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I will definitely take time to read "Not Just Friends."

 

The main reason I posted here was because I do not believe there is anything but friendship... yet. I simply believe we are both extroverts with very friendly personalities. My concern, if you can call it that, is we seem to be sharing more and more. At this point there isn't anything there, but can this behavior continue as is now or is something more almost inevitable?

 

We both love our spouses. He mentions his in some way in the majority of our conversations. Usually casually... I was just telling my wife that...My wife said such and such...My wife and I were there and blank happened.

 

We never call each other just to chat. The calls are always work related to being with. Other topics come up, but neither of us are reaching out to the other for idle chit chat. Calls are also always during business hours. A few random texts have been after hours, but in the past 6 months there are only 10 or so of those.

 

I mention all this because to me none of those things point to inappropriate behavior.

 

The main reason anything ever crossed my mind is because our HR department sends out quarterly emails with multiple links about office behavior. One of the links linked to another article where friendships were promoted, but questioned. As an often over thinker I began over analyzing.

 

Then again maybe I'm not over thinking, but as Friskyone mentioned not being honest with myself.

 

I will be more mindful of my boundaries. What signs should I look for on him to ensure he isn't looking for more than someone to pass time talking with?

[elaine567]

Appropriate and inappropriate can be difficult to fathom as the subject of the conversation may have no bearing on appropriateness.

 

Yes, you may be just talking about work but if you always seek him specifically to discuss work topics, when Sue or Rick or Harry were equally available, then that may be seen as inappropriate.

 

You can discuss the state of Rick's marriage and if you have no feelings for Rick and he has no feelings for you, apart from as that of friends then it may be appropriate.

Whereas discussing climbing the Eiger which may seem harmless may be highly inappropriate if you are sitting there hanging on every word lovingly as "Joe" recounts his experiences.

Flirting outrageously may be fine if both are not involved and it is just a joke, add involvement and it is highly inappropriate.

 

It is not necessarily the topic or even the behaviour, it is the emotion that lies behind the interaction that makes it appropriate or not.

[DKT3]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I will definitely take time to read "Not Just Friends."

 

The main reason I posted here was because I do not believe there is anything but friendship... yet. I simply believe we are both extroverts with very friendly personalities. My concern, if you can call it that, is we seem to be sharing more and more. At this point there isn't anything there, but can this behavior continue as is now or is something more almost inevitable?

 

We both love our spouses. He mentions his in some way in the majority of our conversations. Usually casually... I was just telling my wife that...My wife said such and such...My wife and I were there and blank happened.

 

We never call each other just to chat. The calls are always work related to being with. Other topics come up, but neither of us are reaching out to the other for idle chit chat. Calls are also always during business hours. A few random texts have been after hours, but in the past 6 months there are only 10 or so of those.

 

I mention all this because to me none of those things point to inappropriate behavior.

 

The main reason anything ever crossed my mind is because our HR department sends out quarterly emails with multiple links about office behavior. One of the links linked to another article where friendships were promoted, but questioned. As an often over thinker I began over analyzing.

 

Then again maybe I'm not over thinking, but as Friskyone mentioned not being honest with myself.

 

I will be more mindful of my boundaries. What signs should I look for on him to ensure he isn't looking for more than someone to pass time talking with?

 

Classic, it's the way that most married women fall into full blown affairs, thinking that the marriages your not protecting will protect you from an affair.

 

I suspect you are already much deeper then even you realize. At this rate it's not if but when.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Classic, it's the way that most married women fall into full blown affairs, thinking that the marriages your not protecting will protect you from an affair.

 

I suspect you are already much deeper then even you realize. At this rate it's not if but when.

 

I don't usually agree with DKT3 but he is spot on right here. The bold is quite profound actually and something to really really ponder. Also, if you are typing on here then you are deeper than even you want to admit.

 

Admit it and figure out how to move forward with it. Honestly I wish i could back to where you are now and tell my husband how i was feeling and work through the issues right there before i spent a year in a hell of my own making and an impact that will last a lifetime.

[Bufo]

This is a possible tip. Feel free to accept or reject.

 

There is one good thing about the distance between the two of you. He has no clue how you physically do your job. When he wants to chat and you don't (assuming you reach that point) simply tell him you have another call you have to take, you absolutely have to locate and straighten out a file for a meeting in the next hour, etc. You won't be acting impolite but unless he is very dense he will eventually get clued in that talking isn't as important to you as it used to be

 

People come and go in the business world all the time.

 

Suggested way to cool off/end the budding EA before it blossoms into something you can't handle. I.E. the infamous slippery slope.

 

Read some of the stories here. Most OWs didn't plan to become OWs. Things just got out of hand. And your post tells me that's a concern to you.

[JElk]

It's been about a month since my original post. Wanted to post an update. After reading the previous responses I decided to really be honest with myself. Maybe there are some type of feelings developing. Then again I think there is absolutely nothing outside of a normal friendship. It's really weird as I have other coworkers I interact with in the exact same manner and I can say without question they are friends and nothing more. With this coworker however we do seem to have more on common. I believe he really is just an overly friendly guy though. He will often call and vent about work issues to me. He's not a big complainer and I believe he just wants someone he can open up to sometimes.

 

Last week he mentioned the upcoming conference. He was kinda bummed it was going to be in the northeast during the middle of winter. He was really wanting to find a way out of going. I did mention I was happy to finally meet him and some other coworkers and he didn't seem to share my enthusiasm. As a matter of fact he seemed to be distracted, like he was reading other emails, or focusing on something else instead. That talk actually served as a bit of a wake up call. Perhaps I was about to start down a path I know is wrong, but I was denying to myself what I was doing. After our discussion I admitted to myself I was beginning to have some feelings, but he only viewed me as a coworker who he enjoyed passing the time with sometimes.

 

After that talk I made sure to keep our conversations to only work. He asked me a few questions here and there, but I quickly turned them back to work. I don't think he noticed I was actively avoiding having any in depth conversations. He just rolled with it and ended the calls on the same friendly note.

 

Coming to terms with what almost was is enough to keep my emotions in check. It is clear there wasn't any feelings developing on his end.

[aileD]

You did the right thing

 

I have a feeling that even if he didn't feel anything, had YOU mentioned feelings he may have jumped at the chance to get his d**k wet, yet still having no feelings for you...but leading you on at the same time

 

You done good kid ??

[DKT3]

You did the right thing

 

I have a feeling that even if he didn't feel anything, had YOU mentioned feelings he may have jumped at the chance to get his d**k wet, yet still having no feelings for you...but leading you on at the same time

 

You done good kid

I don't think so, doing good would have been saying, this is getting inappropriate so I'm cutting it off. Didn't happen....what happened was OP tossed out some feelers to gauge his level of interest when it did come back favorable she makes it seem she had some light bulb moment. Not at all, you where all set and excited to see this guy and only his lack of excitement shook you. Sadly nothing has truly changed and if he were interested you would be game.

[Friskyone4u]

It's been about a month since my original post. Wanted to post an update. After reading the previous responses I decided to really be honest with myself. Maybe there are some type of feelings developing. Then again I think there is absolutely nothing outside of a normal friendship. It's really weird as I have other coworkers I interact with in the exact same manner and I can say without question they are friends and nothing more. With this coworker however we do seem to have more on common. I believe he really is just an overly friendly guy though. He will often call and vent about work issues to me. He's not a big complainer and I believe he just wants someone he can open up to sometimes.

 

Last week he mentioned the upcoming conference. He was kinda bummed it was going to be in the northeast during the middle of winter. He was really wanting to find a way out of going. I did mention I was happy to finally meet him and some other coworkers and he didn't seem to share my enthusiasm. As a matter of fact he seemed to be distracted, like he was reading other emails, or focusing on something else instead. That talk actually served as a bit of a wake up call. Perhaps I was about to start down a path I know is wrong, but I was denying to myself what I was doing. After our discussion I admitted to myself I was beginning to have some feelings, but he only viewed me as a coworker who he enjoyed passing the time with sometimes.

 

After that talk I made sure to keep our conversations to only work. He asked me a few questions here and there, but I quickly turned them back to work. I don't think he noticed I was actively avoiding having any in depth conversations. He just rolled with it and ended the calls on the same friendly note.

 

Coming to terms with what almost was is enough to keep my emotions in check. It is clear there wasn't any feelings developing on his end.

 

OP,

 

What you have stated above is that

(1) you know you were headed in the wrong direction. That is good

 

BUT

 

(2) you clearly were disappointed that "Joe" was not responding the way you wanted or feeding you ego kibbles.

 

THat is bad because basically you were looking for more and right now don't see it happening. Unless you look yourself in the mirror and STOP interacting with this guy, that conference is going to be your undoing, especially when you get to the cocktail party with some booze.

 

You are going to have the opportunity to turn this physical and then your problems are going to begin.

 

Smart people recognize disaster looking them in the face and react accordingly.

 

Stop kidding yourself and stop making believe "Joe" is just some good old boy. Connected to his wonderful charming personality is something called a penis and those things react to women dropping signs they are interested.

 

BE SMART

[ShatteredLady]

The question now is....Why are you so vulnerable to attention?

 

You only mentioned your husband not sharing your hobbies & not accompanying you to events. Please be very careful. It can be a short step from justifying a crush too rewriting the history of your marriage. Now is the time to strengthen your connection with your husband.

 

Read around here. Adultery brings unimaginable agony to so many people.

[JElk]

Geez...I hate these feelings. Or are they even feelings? Hell if I know anymore.

 

It's like one day we're just straight up coworkers, he calls if he needs something, convos are 1-2 minutes maybe once a day. Then, bam one day our work convo turns into an hour on the phone talking about everything from work to our weekend plans. I'm obviously developing an attachment. But it's impossible to guage him.

 

We must work together. This isn't going to change anytime soon. Maybe I should tell him I'm getting too attached and we need to stop communicating too much. However, I don't want him to think I'm crazy when he has zero interest.

 

It's not like he's leading me on. He mentions his family often, and how important they are to him. He's never made any sexual innuendos. He has told me he enjoys our conversations and when I told him although we had never met I felt I knew him better than most people he said he felt exactly the same.

 

I did go back through some files of how he interacted with the person previously in my position. He has always said he prefers the phone over email. However, with the male before me he communicated about 1/2 and 1/2 email vs. phone. With me it's 99.9% phone call. He'll call to ask me about an email he's received vs. just forwarding the email. Yet, if I'm out he contacts my assistant solely via email. Maybe I'm reading too much into it...may I'm not. I know, I know...It shouldn't matter what he thinks, my feelings are affecting me and that should be enough to put the brakes on, but....

 

I don't want to create tension if there's no need, but my feelings are definitely progressing to a point I know I'm sliding into the danger zone.

[DKT3]

Geez...I hate these feelings. Or are they even feelings? Hell if I know anymore.

 

It's like one day we're just straight up coworkers, he calls if he needs something, convos are 1-2 minutes maybe once a day. Then, bam one day our work convo turns into an hour on the phone talking about everything from work to our weekend plans. I'm obviously developing an attachment. But it's impossible to guage him.

 

We must work together. This isn't going to change anytime soon. Maybe I should tell him I'm getting too attached and we need to stop communicating too much. However, I don't want him to think I'm crazy when he has zero interest.

 

It's not like he's leading me on. He mentions his family often, and how important they are to him. He's never made any sexual innuendos. He has told me he enjoys our conversations and when I told him although we had never met I felt I knew him better than most people he said he felt exactly the same.

 

I did go back through some files of how he interacted with the person previously in my position. He has always said he prefers the phone over email. However, with the male before me he communicated about 1/2 and 1/2 email vs. phone. With me it's 99.9% phone call. He'll call to ask me about an email he's received vs. just forwarding the email. Yet, if I'm out he contacts my assistant solely via email. Maybe I'm reading too much into it...may I'm not. I know, I know...It shouldn't matter what he thinks, my feelings are affecting me and that should be enough to put the brakes on, but....

 

I don't want to create tension if there's no need, but my feelings are definitely progressing to a point I know I'm sliding into the danger zone.

 

No what you want is to continue to get the validation. Nothing anyone here can do, after the conference you will be back talking about having made a mistake by sleeping with him. And guess what when your husband finds out he won't even be shocked. Nothing you are doing is not an accident, you are intentionally getting involved in an affair, which this is at this point.

 

Don't believe me tell your husband about your connection and see how he reacts, of course you won't, it would mean jumping off the ego train

[eye of the storm]

JElk, you are spending so much time worried about him, how he communicated with your assistant, how he communicated with the previous admin.... You need to be thinking about why you are so interested in him. From your words, I get the impression if he had been as excited to see you as you were to see him you would be picking out matching underwear for your trip.

 

Figure out why and what is causing you to look outside your marriage. Or look to end it so you are free to date.

 

Stop worrying about him, his friendliness his chattiness, his whatever and start worrying about why you are so interested.

[JElk]

Thanksgiving week can't get here soon enough! My husband and I have both taken the entire week off. We'll be traveling so we'll have roughly 20 hours in the car together then be with just our families the remainder of the time. We really need that, even though I don't think my husband realizes how much.

 

The past week was a tough one. It became more apparent to be that my friendship with Joe is progressing. Every weekend I convince myself we are only coworkers and make the decision to only discuss work...to keep our conversations short and to the point. Mondays go well. It's almost like we both make this weekend pact with ourselves. This past week was exactly the same....he didn't call until late in the day (3 times) and I ended the talks before they strayed outside of work specifics. The thing is there was nervous silences. Like we both wanted the other to say something, but neither of us would. Progress. Then Tuesday comes, I receive 8-10 calls. He clearly wants to talk about more than work. Those calls quickly cover over an hour and work was the least of what we discussed. Of all my other coworkers, both in person or outside the main office, he was the only one who wanted to discuss the election. He talked...I mainly listened as we were on opposite sides. He clearly wanted my opinion, which I didn't give. He told me how his parents were on different sides than "we" (he and his wife) were this time. He was definitely vulnerable during that talk. The day after the election he again wanted to "talk". I shared much more then as I was quite upset about the outcome. However, we didn't have an argument by any stretch...he listened...he agreed with much of what I said...and admitted a bit of buyer's remorse. He was the only person I had this type of conversation with...it was peculiar to say the least. Obviously, if you are American you had an opinion about this one, yet he was the only person outside my inner circle I felt comfortable discussing things with. I guess it's possible he had the same conversation with multiple other people, but I doubt it.

 

He made his final plans for the conference this week as well. He decided on the shortest flight which means he arrives early in the afternoon the day before. He made the comment he would take the time to explore the area walking around by himself. I will be have a rental car, he mentioned he decided not to get one he'll figure out another way to the hotel. He didn't ask me to pick him up or spend the afternoon with him, but I was left wondering if he was waiting for me to offer.

 

Thurs. and Fri. I knew his schedule so didn't expect to talk to him. Thurs. was quick work convos a couple of times. Friday he took the day off to spend helping his dad repair something. He sent me a picture of what they were working on. Afterwards he called for a couple of quick things before the weekend. He told me how annoyed he was his brother wasn't helping. Not because of the work part, but because he thought it was important for them to spend as much time doing those things together while they still could. He opened up to me about his dad's health, and how concerned he was his brother wasn't valuing their time together while he could. We proceeded to talk for 30 minutes about how important spending time with our parents is to us and how memories are the most valuable things we have from our childhood. When I hung up I couldn't help but think maybe this wasn't the time or place for such a conversation.

 

I fully anticipate tomorrow we will be short. Neither will want to talk about their weekends. We will once again make the pact with ourselves to only discuss work because we're just coworkers. We'll see how long it lasts this week. I can almost predict next Friday's interactions will be limited but filled with nervous silence. We'll have long pauses before we hang up because we'll both have so much to say...like how we'll miss talking to each other the following week...but neither will say anything except the awkward goodbye.

 

Thanksgiving week will be my time to reconnect with my husband and take stock of how thankful I am for our family. I am determined the week away will help me out of this friendship fog and to open up to my husband on where we need to be.

[lana-banana]

I read all your posts very closely and don't see any indication that he's thinking anything untoward, which is to say all this angst is entirely your doing. Rather than work yourself up over what Joe could possibly be thinking or feeling, you could also use this time to question what's going on inside your head. Why are you feeling this way? What is your husband doing or not doing that makes Joe seem appealing? What's happening in your own life that pushes you towards this fantasy?

 

Think carefully and be kind to yourself.

[Maddieandtae]

Jelk it sounds to me as though you have developed a crush on your co-worker. If you value your work reputation you will think of ways to stop the analyzing and refocus on your work and tell your husband you feel you have a one sided crush. Your reputation as a person in general would take a huge beating if you tried to pursue something inappropriate. The guilt would be crippling and the chaos your life would become would not be worth losing your happy and productive life!