When do you draw the line about abuse?

[benpom]

A boy grew up with an older sibling who was keeping picking on him, until one day, he found himself taller than her, so he punched her in the eye (no injury though).

 

Did these two abuse each other?

 

How would you teach children to handle this type of case?

 

If you tell a child who would not sit down in car to sit down in a loud voice (not yelling or screaming, just loud), is this abuse?

[Taramere]

What we call abuse used to be defined as cruelty. If it causes physical, mental or emotional harm to another person and (more in the case of emotional abuse) a reasonable person would have known that it was likely to cause that harm, and it was deliberate or reckless then I would call it abuse. If somebody is unusually sensitive, then they might feel abused in response to behaviours that a lot of other people could brush or laugh off very easily. I think that's when it becomes hard to draw lines. At what point does it stop being abuse and become about an alleged victim who requires special kid glove treatment that not everybody is geared towards dispensing?

 

I think it would be silly for anybody to argue that sharply telling a misbehaving child to sit down is abusive. That's just normal discipline. It would be more abusive for another person to come along and start defining that sort of normal child discipline as "abuse".

 

With regard to the siblings...siblings do squabble, and it's part and parcel of growing up. However, I think people do have to be on the look out for power dynamics. An older, bigger sibling is in a powerful position over a younger one. If there's a lot of conflict between those two, and it's continually being instigated by the older sibling - then that's abusive behaviour. The trouble is that without proper supervision a lot of kids will behave like that. That boy who got bigger and punched his sister in the eye was probably asserting himself and showing off his new found power after years of humiliation. It's an abusive act and he needs to know that, but the sister shouldn't be let off the hook either. I think there's a lesson there about "what he did was abusive and he'll be punished for it - but you shouldn't be surprised that your years of bullying a younger sibling have resulted in something like this happening."

 

But ultimately, if she got away with picking on her little brother for years and the parents failed to address it then I don't think either child is going to be particularly impressed with a message like that. The damage, in terms of failing to address years of an older sibling bullying a younger one, has already been done.

[basil67]

I didn't have to deal with sibling issues such as this when my kids were little. But I guess it would be a case of them both getting in trouble. And also working out what the issues are in the first case. The bossy older sibling needs to be taught how their words effect the younger sibling and the younger sibling needs to keep their hands to themselves.

 

No, yelling at a child to sit down is not abuse. But personally, I wouldn't yell. I'd stop the car and refuse to drive until they put their seat belt back on.

[BluesPower]

Emotional and physical abuse is different between adults and children/parents.

 

I am kind of old school with my kids, most especially my boys, it is different with my daughter.

 

I spend a lot of time talking and explaining things to all my children. Always trying to not have to get really mad or physical with them.

 

But with boys, and as a man, when they were younger, 14 to about 18, sometime you just have to knock the S*** out of them in order to get their attention. It is just the way it is with boys. This used to happen most often when they were really disrespectful with their mother, I do not stand for that crap. Other times, it may happen when they challenge my authority as top dog in my house. My castle is not a democracy, except for my wife, it is a benevolent dictatorship.

 

Some people would find the way I handle my boys as abusive, and that is ok. Young men have to learn to take orders before they can give them. It has worked out well for them, luckily all my children have turned out wonderfully.

 

The other thing is that, boys for the most part, will fight no matter what.

 

My boys used to get into serious physical fights a lot. My wife initially would try to break them up, and has actually gotten hurt doing it. I had to explain to here once that you cannot get between two dogs that are fighting.

 

I would let this go on for a while and only intervene if they were really fixing to hurt each other. But, even then, we have made more than one trip to the ER because of them fighting.

 

Eventually, they got over this phase and as adults get along really well. And, they are no worse for ware.

 

I am different with my daughter, because she is my princess. I know that is a double standard but that is kind of the way that it is. Besides, I could usually talk to her.

 

For adults, most especially in a marriage, I just don't thing there is any room for physical or emotional abuse at all.

[oldshirt]

abuse is the intentional infliction of pain, hurt feelings, severe anxiety, severe insecurity etc for the purpose of simply inflicting it.

 

Defending yourself is not abuse unless it goes way above and beyond and out of proportion to what was required to protect yourself.

 

Disciplining children is not abuse, unless again it goes way beyond the proportion required to stop the behavior.

 

Where those lines are drawn does come down to judgement and interpretation and that can be pretty significantly influenced by cultural norms and expectations and as well as by laws.

[benpom]

I recently heard this case:

A mother filed for divorce. The father retaliated by suing the mother for child abuse and put her in jail for a year because she spanked her child once for discipline (just one spank).

 

Sadly, the word 'abuse' itself has been heavily abused.