Scarletwolf Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 OK. I've been married for over 3 years now. We both divorced our first spouses because they cheated on us. In the case of my husband, he says she asked for the divorce first, a few days before he had planned to do it. In my case, I asked for it, I was ready to move on. What bothers me is that, he can't talk about his ex in a positive way, I mean, he gets all nasty and in a bad mood just to say, please don't talk about that bitch. Or, I don't wanna talk about that bitch. He's constantly pointing out how she has everything handed out to her, how other men fall easily for her lies and manipulation. Don't take me wrong, I do believe part of this is true. She doesn't let his three kids visit, she makes up excuses so they don't come. But I'm not so sure hes over her. I mean, I'm over mine. Yes, he cheated on me, he used to beat me an stuff but I forgave him. There's nothing I feel for him really, I have even met some of his girlfriend's and it doesn't hurt or affect at all, so I wonder if my husband is really over his ex or not. What do you guys think? Am I overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 Anger can definitely be a sign that someone isn't over their ex. That said, some people can hold onto grudges and anger forever without still having feelings. Especially if she is keeping his children from him, that is a good reason for his anger not to subside... But really after 3 years of marriage you should know if he's over her or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarletwolf Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 Well... most of those three years I spent out of the country. It was more or less a long distance relationship. I came to live with him last December. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 It takes 3-5 years to recover from infidelity. Give it time and he'll get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarletwolf Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 (edited) Something I forgot to mention... that song from Justin Bieber, love yourself... he said it's one of his favorites because it sums up what his ex was. And, he sings it everytime... :/ I'm sure I would not want to have a song about my ex, I mean, I don't really care about him or what he does with his life anymore. As long as he pays child support (and he does, every month) I don't really care what he does at all. Edited September 19, 2016 by Scarletwolf Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 There are songs that I love that remind me of someone... it doesn't mean that every time I enjoy that song I'm thinking about that person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 I mean, he gets all nasty and in a bad mood just to say, please don't talk about that bitch. Or, I don't wanna talk about that bitch. He's constantly pointing out how she has everything handed out to her, how other men fall easily for her lies and manipulation. He does still have feelings for her, they're called "anger" and "dislike". To a certain extent, they may lessen but will probably never go away completely. My ex-wife's infidelity as a lot longer ago than his, some remnant of that hurt and rage still there... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 I am deeply in love and in lust with my DH. I still have feelings for my ex...loathing and fury. It is entirely possible he is over his ex and just happens to hate her guts for being a terrible person who deeply hurt him and forever changed how he sees the world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarletwolf Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 Thank you so much for your replies. They have helped me get some insight here. Maybe this "total disgust" he feels for her is just that, disgust, and I'm just reading too much into it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 I too have forgiven my ex, as you have. And I have remarried. While I have never, ever looked back with any regret, I too harbor a certain amount of anger over the way I was treated by her. And yes, she cheated on me and I am the one who filed for divorce. Part of the problem is your husband still needs to interact with his ex because of their children. My ex and I didn't have children so I never have to see or talk to her again. Makes "getting over it" much easier. But I'm sure he'll get over it like you have, give it time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarletwolf Posted September 21, 2016 Author Share Posted September 21, 2016 I guess I still have trouble trusting. Truth to be told my husband has never ever given me any reasons to suspect anything. But old habits die hard. The last two years of my last marriage were plagued with so much distrust, lies and anger I guess I'm wired to disbelief now. I gotta say this, the more I read, the more I get convinced this is just in my mind. Thanks for the advise, I truly appreciate it! I will talk about this feelings I have with him once he's back from his training from work. Not sure how he will react but I want him to know how i feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 OK. I've been married for over 3 years now. We both divorced our first spouses because they cheated on us. In the case of my husband, he says she asked for the divorce first, a few days before he had planned to do it. In my case, I asked for it, I was ready to move on. What bothers me is that, he can't talk about his ex in a positive way, I mean, he gets all nasty and in a bad mood just to say, please don't talk about that bitch. Or, I don't wanna talk about that bitch. He's constantly pointing out how she has everything handed out to her, how other men fall easily for her lies and manipulation. Don't take me wrong, I do believe part of this is true. She doesn't let his three kids visit, she makes up excuses so they don't come. But I'm not so sure hes over her. I mean, I'm over mine. Yes, he cheated on me, he used to beat me an stuff but I forgave him. There's nothing I feel for him really, I have even met some of his girlfriend's and it doesn't hurt or affect at all, so I wonder if my husband is really over his ex or not. What do you guys think? Am I overreacting? You're not overreacting. Betrayal is an awful, demoralizing experience, but people need to heal and experience closure on these things before embarking on a new relationship. No one is asking him to be friends with his ex, but the fact that he speaks with her with such disdain means she's occupying precious emotional headspace and that is unfair to you. If nothing else, he should have the perspective to appreciate that without the demise of his marriage, he wouldn't have been able to link up and eventually marry you. That lack of perspective is what would concern me. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 Hi Scarlett, if you don't mind can you give us some details about yourselves. When did your husband divorce his Ex and when did you do so? If you got married to your husband three years ago why were you away for most of that time in another country? Did the two of you get married to each othe on the rebound? How old are the two of you? Also, how is your relationship with your present husband? Is it really good, just alright, so so or not good. I ask because there seems to be some problem between the two of you from the way you come across in writing about him. Thanks in advance for any answers you choose to give. Now I would say that you should use this opportunity to assess your husband's nature, what riles him, what makes him happy, how his mind works and all the other important traits he has including his idiosyncrasies, his crazies if you will, and of course his strengths and weaknesses. Steer clear of all the things that seemed to have alienated him from his wife. I would also say that his ranting at his Ex wife may be a manifestation of his love turned sour for her. He may have loved he very much in the beginning and then the way she treated him may have soured this love and turned it into hate. Love and Hate are two sides of the same coin and this shows that he still has feelings for her because one cannot nix something like a strong love for someone in a short time or maybe forever. So I guess you should keep that in mind. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 My new husband and I are going to celebrate our third anniversary this November. He divorced the mother of his children about a decade ago and still can't talk about her without seething, vitriol, and anger. For many, the hurt runs deep and long. Link to post Share on other sites
Pollyannaslim Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 (edited) Hi - I do agree with many in this feed, in that the feelings your H may still have for his ex – are only those of anger, no doubt mingled with a bit of hurt. I would guess, that because he is kept from his children, there must be an added layer of pain to the already deep cut of betrayal! Both are, indeed, very raw emotions, and can be really difficult to overcome. As you know, everyone has a different time frame in the healing process, but it should be of concern when the negative emotions become all-consuming and rob oneself (and their spouse) of joy! Although it may have been several years since a marriage is hit with infidelity, it is not uncommon for many to continue the struggle with both the pain and anger – often, one perpetuates the other.Might this be something your H is experiencing also? IMO, I do believe that forgiveness can soften the intensity of the anger – just as you found with your ex! If I may ask, did your H seek any counseling after discovery? If yes… do you think he would consider talking with someone again? Or…often times, even a conversation with your Pastor can greatly benefit one who might be “stuck.” You might find that your local church may even host one of the many available seminars and /or workshops specific to this situation. Finally, and what I feel is so important… Have you shared with your H how this resurfacing emotion has caused you to feel? It just might be the catalyst he needs to apply the tools he may have previously learned in dealing with some of the anger. It too, might be a great opportunity to ask him what additional support/encouragement he needs to move forward. In the meantime, I’ve attached an article I thought you might find insightful. I wish you well and will pray that your husband find peace with this part of the past. Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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