To: Miss Mojo and others with answers

[Tony T]

I read your post below with regard to friendships. In it, YOU WROTE: "i've forfeited friendships with people i have been really close to in the past because they eventually developed into friendships that were not healthy for me. friendships are the one kind of relationship i believe in my heart you shouldn't have to worry so much over. when i can't accept the way another person is behaving, or has become, i walk away - because it is not healthy for me and it is not fair on them if i can't accept that. yes, it hurts like hell when you feel deeply for someone and you walk away, but that hurt is only temporary. to keep them in your life is punishing all involved and the hurt lasts a lot longer."

 

I have had a few friendships that were extremely close and rare for a time. And then, almost overnight, they turned sour...the person started becoming nasty to me, not returning calls, or even completely breaking off contact. And, as you said, this really hurt. These were people I was nothing but solid gold to. I must say also that the greater number of these were platonic female friendships.

 

I heard the former tele-evangelist Jim Bakker being interviewed on television after he was released from jail. One thing he said that really struck me was "You can never lose a friend...you can only find out who they are?" Do you think these people were actually friends to begin with?

 

Do you have any idea why this happens? I truly don't understand how very close friendships can just end abruptly, evaporate or go sour over a very short time and for no apparent reason...no disagreement or other apparent cause. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

 

I am also kind to my friends and feel I'm the kind of guy people would NOT want to lose as a friend. I feel I make a pretty great one. Help me understand this, PLEASE!!!

 

All others are welcome to add your views on this if you have them.

[Miss Mojo]

hi tony,

 

i completely understand where you are coming from. i consider myself to be a very loyal, kind and good-hearted friend. i treat others the way i would want to be treated, and i can honestly say that i have *NEVER* been the instigator of a friendship that turned sour. i have, of course, said things in return that were uncalled for, but i've always apologised because i know i was in the wrong. if they don't accept my apology and push me away further, well, i'm not going to press the issue myself.

 

i've had 2 frienships i have had to forfeit - both were with male friends, and were strictly platonic.

 

the first guy was a friend who used to always jokingly try and put the hard word on me. then when i started a relationship with a guy he knew well, he developed a real chip on his shoulder. i didn't understand why he was so jealous, because we both knew nothing was ever going to happen, and i'd always thought he was just joking with his propositions....then things just got progressively worse after he bad-nouthed me out of spite. haven't spoken to him since, even when i've seen him. he hurt me very much, and anything that would come out of my mouth would make me look 10 times worse than him and i have no time for people like that. he knew he hurt me very much, but was too proud to apologise to me. funnily enough, i've forgiven him for what he said, but i won't forget the pain he caused not just me, but other people as well. he took it way to far, and i believe he was never that good a friend in the first place to say the things he said and treat not only me, but others the way he did following his little outburst.

 

the second friendship was forfeited because this guy needed to get on with his life without me....i couldn't let go of my feelings for him as long as he was around, and i didn't think it was fair on either of us. he started calling not so often, because he knew how i felt about him. i walked because i did not want to be a burden on him and he deserved to be happy, even though i wasn't...but maybe oneday. thankfully, things never soured in this situation, but it was best for all involved. i know we will contact each other again oneday. this was one of those rare friendships, and i thank God that it never turned sour.

 

other friendships that have diminished are ones from high-school. but i guess these people and i were never really that close if we stopped contacting each other (one refuses to acknowledge me and my friends now, even when we wave hello. a real snob, to be honest). you really find out who your close friends are when you leave high-school.

 

i take note in reference to your comment jimmy bakker's comment: "You can never lose a friend...you can only find out who they are?"

 

tony: "Do you think these people were actually friends to begin with?"

 

i think some people would have been friends to begin with, but when you really care about a friend, there is no need to get nasty or vindictive and not try and sort things out. some people just don't know how to swallow their pride. of course, there are some incidences where a "friend" does something so uncalled for and so nasty that even an apology wouldn't make things better (the perfect time to write them off).

 

Do you have any idea why this happens?

 

i wish i knew. a lot of nastiness i truly believe stems from jealousy and/or feeling threatened and insecure.

 

I truly don't understand how very close friendships can just end abruptly, evaporate or go sour over a very short time and for no apparent reason...no disagreement or other apparent cause.

 

i hate nastiness. i can handle it when someone is being "cruel to be kind", because i know that if someone is blunt to me it's because i'm at a point where brutal honesty is the only thing that will make me wake up to things i.e. friends and family used the "cruel to be kind" method on me when i was in an abusive relationship, kept complaining about it and wouldn't do anything about it. they were 100% right in their approach, and i thank them for it, because they cared enough know it was for my own benefit.

 

I am also kind to my friends and feel I'm the kind of guy people would NOT want to lose as a friend. I feel I make a pretty great one.

 

me too!

 

Help me understand this, PLEASE!!!

 

i don't know if i can, but i thought i'd throw in my 2 cents worth. people change, some people don't care as much as you thought they did, some people shoot their mouths off when they shouldn't, and some walk away because they care.

 

friendships can be quite complex at times, but honestly, i don't believe they should be. of course, everyone will have their ups and downs, but i really feel for those people out there who tear their hair out over supposed "friends" who don't treat them in the way they deserve. i'd just as soon have no friends, than hang around people who didn't give a darn about my feelings or wanted me there for their benefit only.

[JustAGirl]

Do you guys honestly belive in PURELY platonic guy-girl friendships?

 

I've kind of had those, but ... I think there still has to be some level of attraction, in a way ... and it falls apart if one of the people happens to increase that attraction level for whatever reason ... so that goes with Mojo's examples ...

 

I have also had girl-girl friendships fall apart, mostly b/c of losing common grounds for me ... or some girls sort of forget their gfs when they get a permanent bf ... that again goes with Mojo's egs about high-school friends ...

 

generally.. i think people use "friend" way too loosely now ... aquaintances gotta be carefully differentiated from friends ...

 

Just some thoughts ...

[Miss Mojo]

generally.. i think people use "friend" way too loosely now ... aquaintances gotta be carefully differentiated from friends ...

 

i agree with you here, justagirl. while i have many acquaintances, i only have 3 or 4 people i would consider "very close friends", and a few others who i consider "friends".

 

the difference for me is that i know i can rely on my very good friends no matter what, and i know they can rely on me too. those who i consider as just friends, i will invite to a party or to a get-together because they are lovely people and i value their company and who they are, however i am not close enough with them to get personal with. acquaintances on the other hand, i generally wouldn't invite anywhere. i only know them well enough to say, "hi" to or through friends. while they're generally very nice people, we don't have much in common.

 

but yes, the term friend is used way to loosely e.g. my cousin was talking to her boyfriend about one of my good friends from high-school. he said, "who is she?", and she replied with, "a friend i know from school". well, my cousin didn't go to the same school as my friend and i, and she hardly knows this girl, yet will call her "friend" (it's happened numerous times). personally, i stick to the, "a friend of a friend", "someone i know through work/college etc", "this guy/girl that i know of...". if they're not a friend, or even an acquaintance, i'm not going to refer to them as one.

 

i am not embarrassed to admit i have a few close friends, and a handful of friends. in total, i would say i have around at least 8-10 friends (including my good friends) and heaps of acquaintances. i know that what i do have is solid and where the boundaries are. i am very well liked in social situations, even with people i have never met before, because i enjoy meeting people and listening to them. to be honest, i'd rather have only a small selection of friends than a ton of acquaintances. i know where i stand.

[clia]

Just a few comments...

I read your post below with regard to friendships. In it, YOU WROTE: "i've forfeited friendships with people i have been really close to in the past because they eventually developed into friendships that were not healthy for me. friendships are the one kind of relationship i believe in my heart you shouldn't have to worry so much over. when i can't accept the way another person is behaving, or has become, i walk away - because it is not healthy for me and it is not fair on them if i can't accept that. yes, it hurts like hell when you feel deeply for someone and you walk away, but that hurt is only temporary. to keep them in your life is punishing all involved and the hurt lasts a lot longer."

I've done the same thing. I was very good friends with a girl (I call her that because we met when we were like 12) for many years, and in recent years she decided to (1) date my ex behind my back immediately after we broke up, and (2) try to steal away any guy that I've expressed an interest in. I associate with her now only because she is still good friends with one of my very best friends. I do that out of respect for my other friend. But this girl...I could do without her, and I don't trust her for a second. I basically removed myself from her life because I realized that having her around wasn't doing anything positive for me. It really bugs me that she would stab me in the back without a second thought. But hey, I'm better off without her.

I have had a few friendships that were extremely close and rare for a time. And then, almost overnight, they turned sour...the person started becoming nasty to me, not returning calls, or even completely breaking off contact. And, as you said, this really hurt. These were people I was nothing but solid gold to. I must say also that the greater number of these were platonic female friendships.

I think that being good friends is very close to the same as being in a relationship. (Without the, ahem, benefits, of course.) You spend a lot of time together, talk about everything, share your hopes and dreams...etc.

 

And just like in relationships, people change and decide that they want something else. People also get busy and self involved and don't want to devote the time to a friendship. I think cultivating friendships is as important as cultivating relationships, but a lot of people don't. Many of my (who I once considered to be good) friends only call me when they are having major problems with their boyfriends. I think (and this is only my opinion, based on what I've seen) many women tend to put their boyfriend first, themselves second, and their friends third. It's funny how people come out of the woodwork when a relationship ends.

I heard the former tele-evangelist Jim Bakker being interviewed on television after he was released from jail. One thing he said that really struck me was "You can never lose a friend...you can only find out who they are?" Do you think these people were actually friends to begin with?

I think not. (That's a great quote, by the way.) I think that we are who we are. And when we first meet people, we always have our 'social facade' on, almost like a first date. You're on your best behavior for awhile, but then your true colors come out. For friends, that may take a long time.

Do you have any idea why this happens? I truly don't understand how very close friendships can just end abruptly, evaporate or go sour over a very short time and for no apparent reason...no disagreement or other apparent cause. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

Like I said above, I think people simply change. Maybe it's for selfish reasons--i.e. they met some new people who they like better. I think it's ridiculous, but on the other hand, I think a lot of people are out only for themselves and have ulterior motives. A lot of people out there are friends with people for a specific reason--i.e. they're good looking and attract a lot of guys, they have a lot of money, etc. If they find someone better, they move on. These, of course, aren't true friends. In the same token, I think some people end friendships because they are insecure with themselves and start to feel threatened by the friendship.

I am also kind to my friends and feel I'm the kind of guy people would NOT want to lose as a friend. I feel I make a pretty great one. Help me understand this, PLEASE!!!

I don't think it's any reflection on you, and you shouldn't take it that way. You never know what another person is thinking, why they became friendly with you in the first place, or what they were seeking to get out of the friendship.

[Tammie]

I don't believe everyone knows how to be a friend.

 

It's a learned behavior, and some people just never get it.

 

A friendship is another form of a 'relationship', and we've all seen people go from relationship to relationship, screwing people over with no conscience. They don't understand what it means to maintain a healthy relationship or friendship.

 

As for me, I always thought friendship was forever. Friendship is 2 ways, both giving and taking equally.

 

But we all see that some times, the people we consider friends are only interested in what we can give them (emotional support, etc.) and unwilling or unable to reciprocate.

 

Unfortunately, many humans 'use' each other, looking only out for themselves. Once the feel you have nothing left to offer them, they are gone.

 

I think there are different levels of friends, but the people who would just drop you for no reason weren't true friends at all.

 

It's hard to make friends as you get older. When you were kids, it was easier. Now it gets so complicated.

 

I have a lot of acquaintences, but few friends.