Should I ask for a Divorce ?

[MightyPen]

L

 

If you're sincere about giving your marriage a chance, you must eliminate your AP from your life. You will not reconnect with your H while you have the AP. It sounds by the way you write that you have no intention of moving the third party from the equation. Additionally, you are not accepting any fault in your A....you look to be blaming your husbands faults for your affair. If you're going to hold to that line of thinking, you might as well leave and let your H begin to heal and move on with his life....understand though, relationships that begin with cheating will always contain that concern of further behavior of the kind.

 

Either eliminate the AP and bury yourself in the marriage or move on.....

 

Since the AP even predated the marriage, and apparently has been "in the mix" ever since (correct me if I'm wrong, OP), I think OP owes it to her husband to tell him everything.

 

Sometimes I think it's okay in some circumstances to not reveal an affair if the WH/WW has truly moved on, kept up NC, and is 100% invested in marriage, especially if kids are involved, but in this case, OP has always had someone on the side? It's as if the entire marriage is a sham.

[linaK1987]

1) AP has not been in the mix before the marriage. I have had indiscretions while we were dating. Once we got engaged I stopped cheating but when things got bad between us I went back to cheating. I have never been into monogamy. I consider myself more polyamorous and have pushed for an open marriage many times.

 

2) Yes my marriage is a sham. I am well aware of the damage both he and I have caused to each other. I had asked him many times to get his act together when I wasn't cheating and he made no progress. I tried to put him in drug rehab and he refused. He does not want to help himself and he has taken me down with him in the process. For many years I myself had a drug problem that he enabled.

 

3) Aside from partying we really don't have anything in common anymore. We have no shared hobbies and we do nothing together. A typical Sunday for us is him sleeping till 2 and me running errands. Then we sit on separate sides the couch till I go to bed alone. He falls asleep on the couch and I wake him in the morning. Most couples make plans or see friends. We just exist side by side.

[Friskyone4u]

OP,.

 

If what you describe is the case, why on earth do you want to stay married or even consider it. ???? Sounds like you both are miserable and at least you have stopped the drugs and self destructive ****.

 

Sounds like your husband is so stoned stupid that he has no clue he is already in an open marriage, which I am guessing he said no to when asked. If vyou are going away week ends with another man and he does not even care you are not around it is senseless to remain married.

 

You cheated before you got engaged, and have not wanted to or cared to even contemplate a monogamous marriage. Why be married?????

 

You ought to get this out of your system now as a divorced woman. And in case you do not know it, most of the literature will tell you that fewer than 10% of men will even comtemplate open marriages so you are greatly reducing your talent pool of future relationships if you are truly unable to be faithful to anyone.

 

Before you make the statement to anyone you are truly interested in a long term relationship with, Id make sure your polyamorous inclinations are not just a crutch to justify what you are doing and have done because your husband is a drunken doped up adolescent most of the time.

[linaK1987]

1) My husband works A LOT. He works his normal job during the week and on Friday and Saturday nights he DJs in Manhattan from 8pm - 4am. I don't have to sneak around because he is never really around. My family lives in NJ so its not uncommon for me to go away for weekends to see them as well. BTW we don't really need the money he just DJs because he loves the thrill and it enables him to continue partying and doing drugs.

 

2) Sexually we are not compatible. My preferences and tastes are something he is not into. We have NEVER had a night where we stayed home and loved each other. Its usually a 15 min ordeal in missionary position till he is done. For a long time he did not want to have sex with me at all. I thought it was because he thought i was fat and I developed an eating disorder.

[Gemma1]

Yes, should divorce and yes, you deserve happiness. But I don't think you'll ever find it unless you devote some serious time and effort to self-growth and maturation.

[stillafool]

My affair has not ended. We are still seeing each other.

 

Have you told your husband you have another man? How did he take it?

[linaK1987]

No i have never told him. I would assume he would not take it well at all. He doesn't even like it when other men look at me (not to brag but I am very attractive and it happens often).

[stillafool]

2) Sexually we are not compatible. My preferences and tastes are something he is not into. We have NEVER had a night where we stayed home and loved each other. Its usually a 15 min ordeal in missionary position till he is done. For a long time he did not want to have sex with me at all. I thought it was because he thought i was fat and I developed an eating disorder.

 

I don't see this getting any better with what you wrote above and you are in love with another man. Yes, you should divorce it almost seems like a no brainer to me. Why haven't you filed yet?

[Mr. Lucky]

Should I file for divorce ?

 

So.....

 

- you're not compatible sexually

- you don't enjoy doing the same things

- he won't mitigate his partying and drug use

- you're not committed to the relationship enough to stay faithful

- you don't love him

- you never really did love him

- in fact, you're in love with someone else

- and overall, you don't believe in monogamy

 

Did I miss anything :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[eightytwenty]

(not to brag but I am very attractive and it happens often).

 

 

that's bragging. And most men do look after eye contact is made. It's not a one way street

[linaK1987]

Mr. Lucky you summed it up fairly well

 

- His family especially his mother treats me horribly.

- He does NOTHiNG around the house. I do all the cleaning , cooking , food shopping , home repairs , chores and taking care of the dog.

- He is starting to put pressure on me to get pregnant

[oldshirt]

If you are looking for someone to tell you its ok to divorce - it's ok.

 

Get a family law attorney and discuss your rights and responsibilities in the divorce process.

 

Drug and alcohol addiction is a perfectly valid and send able reason to divorce.

 

As Mr Lucky alluded to above, there is really no reason not to divorce and leave this train wreck of an ill-plotted marriage behind you.

 

It shouldn't have happened in the first place.

[stillafool]

- He is starting to put pressure on me to get pregnant

 

Oh my, you had better tell him you want the divorce soon. Don't get his hopes up.

[KatieCares]

I'm sorry that you are existing in the midst of such an unpleasant set of circumstances. Please be honest with yourself...do you even want this marriage to continue? You cannot possibly be clear headed about this while involved in an affair with another man. and how can one be clear headed about anything while drugs are involved? I realize that you are troubled, and I am sincerely sorry for that...but you need to accept responsibility here. The affair needs to go, the drugs need to go. I strongly suggest counseling. You need to figure out who you really are and what you really want. If there is any part of you left that wants this marriage to work, try to talk your husband into going to counseling with you, and realize that at some point, you are going to have to be honest with him. I hope that you can use this unfortunate set of circumstances to launch yourself into a more responsible lifestyle. Best of luck...honest!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Linak, it looks like you two have been trying to drive a square peg into a round hole from the word go. I would think that you should have been divorced as of yesterday. What has been holding you back? As the Nike ad says'Just do it'. Warm wishes.

[oldshirt]

- He is starting to put pressure on me to get pregnant

 

Neither of you are even chemically fit and healthy enough to even consider conceiving a child at this time.

 

With all the drugs and alcohol in both of your systems, this would be a terrible start to a new life.

 

Just wash your hands and walk away and put this behind you.

[BaileyB]

Please don't have a baby!

 

Don't bring a child into a marriage that is not based on a solid foundation and is unlikely to stand the test of time. That would be the worst decision - you don't have the right to do that to a child.

 

Divorce your husband. There is nothing holding you together anymore...

[linaK1987]

I have no intention of having a child with him at this point and time.

 

I am taking birth control behind his back.

 

To be honest I do not trust him to be a good father and I have told him this on many occasions.

[linaK1987]

Hi Linak, it looks like you two have been trying to drive a square peg into a round hole from the word go. I would think that you should have been divorced as of yesterday. What has been holding you back? As the Nike ad says'Just do it'. Warm wishes.

 

I don't know what has been holding me back. The divorce process is daunting and I don't even know where to begin. Also I have gotten complacent its easier at this point to keep living like this. I have mentioned that I wanted a divorce and my family was 100% in agreement with me.

 

Mostly I am not a confrontational person by nature. I do not know how to go about telling him everything with out him getting violent.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mostly I am not a confrontational person by nature.

 

With multiple infidelities, you're setting yourself up for the big daddy of all confrontations. You might want to put those activities on hold until you resolve your marital situation.

 

I don't know what has been holding me back. The divorce process is daunting and I don't even know where to begin.

 

Google divorce lawyers in your town, make an appointment, they'll handle it from there.

 

I try to be pro-marriage but you don't even seem to like each other. Enough is enough...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

I don't know what has been holding me back. The divorce process is daunting and I don't even know where to begin. Also I have gotten complacent its easier at this point to keep living like this. I have mentioned that I wanted a divorce and my family was 100% in agreement with me.

 

Mostly I am not a confrontational person by nature. I do not know how to go about telling him everything with out him getting violent.

 

Just get an attorney and he/she will guide you from there. Is it really easier to live the way you are or to put forth the effort and go on to a fulfilling life? It's time to put your big girl panties on and tell him what you want from your heart.

[oldshirt]

I don't know what has been holding me back. The divorce process is daunting and I don't even know where to begin. Also I have gotten complacent its easier at this point to keep living like this. I have mentioned that I wanted a divorce and my family was 100% in agreement with me.

 

Mostly I am not a confrontational person by nature. I do not know how to go about telling him everything with out him getting violent.

 

This is where you get a divorce attorney. The attorney will walk you though the steps and provide you the information and everything you need.

 

You don't need to "confront" anyone, it does not need to be confrontational. You do not need your husband's buy-in, blessing or assistance in divorcing.

 

If you are truly in fear for your safety, then your attorney can also help you get the resources and assistance you need to stay safe during this process.

 

Since your friends and family are all in agreement with the divorce, I am sure they would also help support and protect you. No-contact and restraining orders are often a part of the divorce and many times people are served with both the divorce papers and temporary restraining order.

 

And frankly, you really don't need to tell him anything. If he is gone all weekend, he can come home to you and your stuff being out of the house and divorce and temporary restraining orders sitting on the table. The divorce papers can tell him everything he needs to know - no discussion is necessary.

[S2B]

My affair has not ended. We are still seeing each other.

 

Then yes, divorce.

 

And you do t need to "ask" him for a divorce. You file...he realizes you're divorcing him.

 

I hope in your future relationships you u sweat and that any harm to others is detrimental.

 

Your husband d may have used drugs. You could have done proper order and divorced him before just cheating on him.

 

Cheating in any relationship doesn't resolve the issues.

[Friskyone4u]

Lina,

 

If you arer worried about him getting violent if you tell him everything, what do you think is going to happen when he finds out. Remember, there are probably less than 5% of people who cheat who think they are going to get caught.

 

The divorce process can be daunting, but with no kids and it appears not a ton of jointly owned assets, that process becomes a lot easier. But unfortunately your world is likely to blow up unexpectedly and from what you say could put your personal safety in jeopardy.

 

The relationship is terrible, the sex isd terrible, what is good??? Anything????

 

Each time you post it becomes more baffling why you want to subject yourself to this. What's in it for you??? You obviously have family supporting you emotionally with good reason. If my daughters were married to a guy drugged up and acting like he is on Spring Break, I'd drag them into the attorneys office.

 

You are playing with fire on a lot of levels here when you could extricate yourself pretty easily. And more importantly safely.

 

And is that what you want to do for years. Live this double life with this OM or others that will follow????

[oldshirt]

 

If you arer worried about him getting violent if you tell him everything, what do you think is going to happen when he finds out.

 

Yes this ^^^^^^

 

 

You are so deep in the forest that you can't see the trees.

 

You do not need to confront him or divulge all your reasons for divorcing or tell him anything that you have been doing. All you need to do is get your documents in order, work out a divorce plan with your attorney, do the paperwork and file it.

 

By that time you could've packed up your stuff and be staying at an undisclosed location and you really do not need to have any further face to face contact with him. All the other paperwork and divorce processes can be done electronically and through each of your respective attorneys.

 

it is easier and cheaper if you can sit down and calmly and cooperatively divide up your marital assets and properties, but face to face contact and discussion is not a required part of the process at all, and in many ways is better if there isn't any.

 

You seem to have a lot of inaccurate and false assumptions about divorce that are holding you back. that is why we are all urging you to see a divorce attorney so that you can gather all the actual facts about how a divorce process actually takes place.