Long Distance Joint Custody & Child's Extracurricular Activities

[planning4later]

I live 2.5 hours from my ex wife who has my children 2/3 of the time. I have them alternate weekends and the greater % of vacation time. Children are both under 8 years old.

 

Anyway...she is the one who moved away, not me. The problem is she schedules heavy amounts of extracurricular activities on their weekends. When I am unable to trade weekends (since I work like a maniac due to being in school), she tells me it's unacceptable and that I'm the one who needs to assure that they can make it. Nevermind that she is the one who schedules their activities, often above and beyond what the children actually want. So how do I handle this? I try to trade weekends when it's possible. But lately my schedule is insane so that my only option would be to simply skip seeing them the whole weekend, which would make me not see them for 1 month.

 

What is the solution here?

 

Someone might say I should just drive them there myself for event and then just come back--or have her do it. But this would mean 8 one way trips (each 2.5 hours) total since I already drive around trip there when I pick them up as it is. And that much travel is too much for my kids.

Edited September 19, 2016 by planning4later

[Mr. Lucky]

she tells me it's unacceptable and that I'm the one who needs to assure that they can make it.

 

She can tell you whatever she wants, doesn't change the fact your custodial time is yours to plan and implement.

 

Not only doesn't she get to dictate, she doesn't even get a vote ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[planning4later]

She can tell you whatever she wants, doesn't change the fact your custodial time is yours to plan and implement.

 

Not only doesn't she get to dictate, she doesn't even get a vote ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Very true!

 

But the worst thing about it is that, guaranteed, she is spreading gossip to her family and friends that, "Their dad won't even take them to their sports games and they miss their games because of HIM!"

[Mr. Lucky]

But the worst thing about it is that, guaranteed, she is spreading gossip to her family and friends that, "Their dad won't even take them to their sports games and they miss their games because of HIM!"

 

I've got more bad news for you - if she's that type, probably not the worse thing she's saying about you !!!

 

You can't worry about it. Focus on your kids and building a life with them, that's what's important...

 

Mr. Lucky

[planning4later]

I've got more bad news for you - if she's that type, probably not the worse thing she's saying about you !!!

 

You can't worry about it. Focus on your kids and building a life with them, that's what's important...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Oh dude...you should have seen her in court! She pulled out ALL the tricks. And I mean ALL. According to her, I'm all of the following:

 

Child abuser

Child neglecter

Spousal abuser

Sexual abuser

Sexual deviant

 

My jaw was literally hanging open the entire time during court. I never saw such a charade in my life. It was quite impressive, actually. Fortunately the judge realized it was all lies since she perjured herself several times and said directly contradictory stories on the record. Some men aren't as lucky as me. At least I still have joint custody. (I also passed a CPS investigation with flying colors too.)

 

But yes, you bring up a good point. She's probably STILL saying all those things to her network. And if any of those people have half a brain, they would ask, "Okay if those things are true, then how does he still have access to his children?"

[DKT3]

I'm guessing there is another man in the picture because it sounds like she is setting you up to be the bad guy and push you out of the kids life because she found a replacement.

 

I would suggest you focus in your kids 100% your top priority. Schooling can be done at any point, you only get one shot to enjoy a child, when it's gone there is no redo or starting over.

[planning4later]

I'm guessing there is another man in the picture because it sounds like she is setting you up to be the bad guy and push you out of the kids life because she found a replacement.

 

I would suggest you focus in your kids 100% your top priority. Schooling can be done at any point, you only get one shot to enjoy a child, when it's gone there is no redo or starting over.

 

Very possible. Although my kids don't give any indication of this being the case. They've never said a man or even friend has been to their house, nor have they mentioned any man ever being around their mom at school or anything like lunch or dinner.

Edited September 20, 2016 by planning4later

[Jersey born raised]

Giving the marriage history why didn't you get primary custody?

[RecentChange]

No help for your situation, but a word to those who are involved with a divorce with children.

 

My parents wrote it into their separation agreement that they were to live within 20 miles of each other until the kids were 18.

 

Made joint custody much easier, my parents ended up living within walking distance of each other - I saw both of them most days despite the divorce - and it also makes coparenting, adjusting schedules etc much easier.

[planning4later]

Giving the marriage history why didn't you get primary custody?

 

The judge concluded that, even though she was arrested for assaulting and injuring me, she did not pose a threat to the children. My lawyer countered with the "lightning rod" analogy and said that, with me gone, she might take her anger out on kids since I'm not her target anymore. The judge had his own idea and, combined with the fact that she had tons of family in the area (while I had zero), concluded that she should get primary. Gotta love family courts.

 

Good question, though. I still wonder the same. But I know I'm not the only father in this situation. A guy I know lost custody to his ex who had drug use history. Basically a woman gets custody unless she doesn't want it. The stats back this up.

[planning4later]

No help for your situation, but a word to those who are involved with a divorce with children.

 

My parents wrote it into their separation agreement that they were to live within 20 miles of each other until the kids were 18.

 

Made joint custody much easier, my parents ended up living within walking distance of each other - I saw both of them most days despite the divorce - and it also makes coparenting, adjusting schedules etc much easier.

 

Her hometown where she moved back to does not have good job market. I have a great situation where I am now and, unless something changes, it's too risky to move to her backwater hick town. (Not to be offensive.)

[DKT3]

The judge concluded that, even though she was arrested for assaulting and injuring me, she did not pose a threat to the children. My lawyer countered with the "lightning rod" analogy and said that, with me gone, she might take her anger out on kids since I'm not her target anymore. The judge had his own idea and, combined with the fact that she had tons of family in the area (while I had zero), concluded that she should get primary. Gotta love family courts.

 

Good question, though. I still wonder the same. But I know I'm not the only father in this situation. A guy I know lost custody to his ex who had drug use history. Basically a woman gets custody unless she doesn't want it. The stats back this up.

 

Nah, it's because so many men in your situation don't really want custody, or go about it all wrong.

[planning4later]

Nah, it's because so many men in your situation don't really want custody, or go about it all wrong.

 

How much experience do you have with this subject? Have you personally gone through this? How can you say it's because I didn't want custody? Do you have any idea what happened in my situation?