Now what?? [My story is 7 years long.] [UPDATE: 3 weeks no contact]

[Ithoughtwrong]

I have decided that i wont let him break me i wont allow him to have that victory. I havent felt this good in years. But i know realistically i will have sad moments but i do little things to pick myself up. I think of places we went and feel an emptyness in my stomach and i pull up more articles about narcissist that remind me its was never love i was a ego boost for him. Gives me the strength i need at that moment

[carhill]

When anger morphs to acceptance, detachment IME will be complete. No unfinished business, no remaining emotional content to process. Over and done.

 

I saw plenty of the other end of the deal, dating women who stated, often like they were pounding a podium on a soapbox, that their spouses had been unfaithful, sometimes explained in quite colorful language, and to an extent that I declined to continue dating them. They still had unfinished business many years later.

 

I ran into some of the same problems with acceptance and professional help provided the tools. A generation ago I could have written your post nearly verbatim and felt that was the final episode. Heh, little did I know

 

Anyway, good luck with your healing. Lots of life left to live and enjoy.

[Ithoughtwrong]

Its still new but i believe this is it i am upset but i do not blame him anymore hes a sick man. I dont see love anymore i see i was a phase. I broke it off not him and he said hed leave me alone lets hope he keeps his word. I know ill cut my fingers off before i lift him to text or reach out to him.

[oceansaway]

Enjoyed your post. You are correct that everything comes in stages. I want others to know that whatever they are dealing with....someday it all comes around and you'll replace anger with resentments and move on. You will feel your worth which is far better than dealing with a lying cheater. Those who stay with people like that are the ones who have to deal with the life they choose. Best of luck

[Ithoughtwrong]

I went into nc 3 weeks ago confident as ever. I had so many unanswered questions he had changed so much over the past year. I found out today he was sleeping with a friend of mine she had no idea about the affair but i said a few things to her about him during our fights never about the affair. She told him things to turn him against me and get his attention. Now him and i are over and shes in my place so he no longer has a need for me. I feel pathetic and dumb. Its been apparently going on for a while and while im extremely torn apart by this but hey, you reep what you sow. I will endure and take it 1 day at a time . I think this time weve finally come to an end. Please dont comment if your going to judge or bash me im willing to admit i ****ED UP. now i just need help moving on.

 

I have him blocked on everything but i doubt hell have the audacity to contact me or come around. But everything in me wants to break nc and tell him i know everything. I am livid

[Ithoughtwrong]

? i wish i still felt this strong

[aileD]

Sometimes it takes an eye opener to help you move on.

 

Put them both in your past and move forward.

[Poppy47]

Block both of them.

 

You don't need to be involved with either one.

 

They sound like they deserve each other.

 

Poppy

[Jersey born raised]

Er, what about your husband, and what about your marriage? Are they both lost causes? Good enough until next OM comes along?

 

Until you answer those questions yes (divorce) no (I want to fight to make it complete) you are just affair bait a toy for the next guy.

 

Serious I am not looking to "even" the score or put you down. I am asking what are you going to do to be a complete person and have a complete marriage. You start this adultery at twenty(?) while you where married? When hasn't this guy been in your marriage? 1 or 2 years out of ten? All of the last years in adultery being after it started? How do you know if your marriage has any value to anyone?

 

Hard questions that could be ask more gently but it seems you have been in so deep how does anyone reach you?

Edited January 13, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[BenchCoach]

Sounds like you were/are more involved in your affair than you actual marriage. I really don't see how you can refocus on your marriage any time soon. Now, you come find out that he's been bedding another mutual friend. How can you say- with a straight face -that you feel betrayed by this.

 

Throughout your various posts, I hear no mention about your husband's feelings coming into play... at any time. He has been living a terrible lie that his wife and his friend have been inflicting on him. You really owe it to him to either give him the truth so he can make an informed decision about his marriage; or let him go so he can find someone who can be faithful and not pine for his friend.

 

 

Does this MM's wife also interact with her husband's new mistress? I feel sorry for the real victims in all this.

[Ithoughtwrong]

This was a very intense affair. I put alot of time amd energy into it and i never made it seem like im a victim or deserve sympathy or pity from anyone. Ive been trying to work on my marriage but its tough. I know i made this mess and im willing to face all the consequences. His wife seems to know about me and this new girl too she loves him so much that she rather turn her eye and act like it isnt even happening.

I never said i feel betrayed i said its me reeping what i sow'd

I know my husband does not deserve all of this and deserves better than me

[freengreen]

As it is,all this is so much painful to go through in a normal relationhip... and now this is an affair. Apart from dragging the pain with you around, you must drag it quietly.

 

As you said, we are reaping and reaping for him as well... how could we be so duh.

[HeCantBreakMe]

First of all I am really sorry you are hurting. Affairs are traumatic on so many levels and even if we WS's were in the wrong for what we did it doesn't change the pain we are going through.

 

I am curious what sort of things you are doing to help you recover? Have you started counseling? Also, I want to gently suggest, if you have not, that you tell your husband the truth about the affair. Ultimately you need something to change, first you need your mentality towards your affair partner to change (which I think it is now that you see him for who he is) but you need your marriage to change and you cant do that with your husband in the dark.

 

You also need to start understanding why you chose to have an affair rather than work on your marriage? These discoveries may ultimately lead you towards divorcing or they may lead you towards working on your marriage but I do not feel you can heal and change if you do not start the work; and maybe you have .. I don't know.

 

I was a WS with an intense year long affair. I swore up and down that man was my soul mate now i just feel like a complete idiot. I told my husband the truth back in August and though things got MUCH worse they are starting to turn a corner and I am starting to heal. I no longer view the AP or the affair in a some golden light instead I am focusing on the problems in my marriage and working to create intimacy with my husband. Ugh, I have made so many mistkes and I am by no means the end all be all when it comes to affair and healing advice, just trying to bring up some things that have helped me - from WS to the other. I understand you on so many different levels.

 

Good luck!

[BenchCoach]

As someone else has already pointed out, how or what are you doing to try and rectify this, exactly? What steps have you taken, other than go silent on MM? How are you working on your marriage, exactly? To be honest, all I'm hearing is a pity-party that you keep throwing yourself. It's obvious that you don't want to tell your husband, so where does the NC come into play when this POS is apart of both your lives. How are you gonna deal with keeping up appearances when you've admitted to the "intense" feelings and effort you put into this affair? Are you gonna keep playing your husband for a fool by allowing him to interact with such a despicable person... how can you let this charade of a "friendship" go on?

 

I don't want to come off as a mean-spirited person, but I don't think you really have it in you to make things right. You're not willing to do the "right thing."

Edited January 13, 2017 by BenchCoach

[Jersey born raised]

Actually you been married to MOM 90% of your marriage with your husband being a Luke warm FWB good for baby sitting and financial support.

 

Please understand what I wrote and others that seems harsh, we do so trying t get you to understand what your husband will go though and what your marriage has endured.

 

It is ok to divorce. It is not ok to hang unto a plan B.