Should I get divorced?

[rachelblue]

I've been married for 24 years. I'm not attracted to my husband anymore. Life is boring. Not sure if this is a good reason to get divorced. I have teenage kids. They will be going to college soon. My friends all pressure me to get divorced but logically I think it's not a good idea.

[Mrin]

OP's story in food:

 

I used to like Italian food. But I don't anymore. Should I buy an SUV or a sedan?

 

hint: can we buy a few more sentences?

[BluesPower]

Yeah... give us some more info.

 

Such as current state of marriage? Why is hubby not attractive anymore? What else are you feeling? Have you had a affair or has he? Do you want to?

 

Did you ever love your husband? Does he love you? How old are you guys.

 

Just spill it, no one knows who you are, but we like to help if we can.

[Mr. Lucky]

I used to like Italian food. But I don't anymore. Should I buy an SUV or a sedan?

 

Sports cars go better with Italian food.

 

OP, have to agree. Without knowing your history, priorities and plans, awfully hard to give you good feedback.

 

My gut reaction is to say "no". Absent abuse, infidelity or addiction, the friends I know that have walked away from long marriages don't seem happier overall or more content with life. Some are lonely and downright miserable.

 

Be careful what you wish for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rachelblue]

More info per request: I'm in my mid 40's, husband is in his mid 50's. I used to love my husband but over time I've lost interest. He's a good man and a good father. I always have other men hit on me and show interest. I just think it's against human nature to stay with one person your whole life. I don't cheat on my husband because of my kids. I think if I want to be with other men I should get divorced. Logically I think I should stay in this marriage. I'm not sure I'll like the crazy single life out there and if I do get in another relationship I'll get bored again after a few years.

[Arieswoman]

rachelblue,

It sounds to me like you are having the ubiquitous Mid Life Crisis - the one where the bank manager suddenly wants to be a hippy and the hippy suddenly puts a suit on.

 

I would suggest you get IC as I think that this is more about you than it is about your marriage.

 

Good luck x

[Miss Clavel]

try packing. go thru your house and start packing up as tho you were really moving. divide up all you and he own. pack it up, label the boxes, number the boxes and start a list with the box number and the contents.

 

packing takes a person back. if you want to go it alone, you'll be ready.

 

and if so many men hit on you, ask yourself if you want a ONS, FWB or a LTR?

 

i'm sure the statistics will show that 1/4 of those men are married, some of them have ED some of them have poor hygiene, mommy issues, bad tempers, back hair, small penises, huge child support payments, very young children, bad teeth, poor vision, bad driving records, criminal records or repulsive fetishes.

 

a bird in the hand....

Edited September 20, 2016 by Miss Clavel

[understand50]

I've been married for 24 years. I'm not attracted to my husband anymore. Life is boring. Not sure if this is a good reason to get divorced. I have teenage kids. They will be going to college soon. My friends all pressure me to get divorced but logically I think it's not a good idea.

 

rachelblue,

 

Having read your two posts, this is a silly reason for divorce. I fall in and out of love with my wife all the time, and this is normal. You have teenage kids, about to leave for collage, and you feel like you would have some freedom as well. I do not think your kids are going to take it well. By your own words, he is a good husband and father, but your friends are pushing you for a divorce, or worse, a affair. Do you see how shallow you sound?

 

So blow up your family, really hurt the guy that has been there for you all these years, the father of your children. Maybe you can find another mister right, or not. You will be able to lots of sex, with lots of different guys, and I am sure the your kids will understand mom leaving dad to do so. Your friends will be right there with you, holding your hand when you are sick supporting you when you cannot find mister right, and life will just be great. Of course your children will not really sympathize with their dad, and see that you are just not happy, and need to do this for yourself. What the hell he is just a disposable man and marriage of course is as well. You should leave and get a divorce, as from my point of view, you do not deserve the man that has stood by you all these years. Let him find someone who will love him. It obviously is not you.

 

How about this, try dating him again. Try working at refinding the love and connection with him you both let go. What can you do to find love again? Or at least talk to him about what you are feeling, let him in on the secret, do not let him be blind sided as you leave to find someone else, or go with your friends to party.

 

I wish you luck, but more importantly, I wish you would wake up and see the blessing of the man that loves you and has all this time.

[BluesPower]

HCBM, just know this, the passion can come back.

 

If my wife and I can get past everything she has done to me and everything that I have done to her, anyone can. Our passion has stayed at pre-marriage levels for a while now. It is actually better than it use to be, and it was always great. So it can happen.

 

This is really the truth. You really need to get into counseling and really figure out where you are at. You can always get divorced, but a lot of experienced people here are tell you to look deeper into yourself.

 

I think you would be wise to do so...

[Friskyone4u]

Maybe you are not attracted to your husband because you are concentrating on all these men hitting on you. The bigger question is he probably has no idea what you are feeling or not feeling so is clueless. Don't you think you owe it to him if he is such a good man to at least tell him you are interested in other men.

Or go to some therapy????

 

It sounds to me like you are looking for some encouragement to have an affair which it also sounds like you are getting in spades from your girlfriends.

 

So if there are problems in your marriage, address them or get divorced.

 

It always amazes me when a woman says how great a person her husband is as a father and man at the same time she is pining to be with other men.

 

If you think you have problems now, go ahead and cheat. No one ever thinks they will get caught, but most do. And gthe consequences of that are rarely pleasant.

 

So what are you doing to make any attempt at rekindling the spark that has subsided or figuring out why it has. Fantasizing about the excitement of being with other men will not help you stay married. So decide what you want and do it 100%.

 

Divorce or get "all in"

[stillafool]

More info per request: I'm in my mid 40's, husband is in his mid 50's. I used to love my husband but over time I've lost interest. He's a good man and a good father. I always have other men hit on me and show interest. I just think it's against human nature to stay with one person your whole life. I don't cheat on my husband because of my kids. I think if I want to be with other men I should get divorced. Logically I think I should stay in this marriage. I'm not sure I'll like the crazy single life out there and if I do get in another relationship I'll get bored again after a few years.

 

If you want to be with other men and have lost interest in your husband definitely divorce. Now that the kids are gone you have nothing to hold your interest except the attention of other men. Therefore; divorce your husband because there are allot of women in their 30's, 40's and 50's looking for a man. Free up your husband so one of them can have him.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would suggest you get IC as I think that this is more about you than it is about your marriage.

 

Amen. Awfully hard to get what you want when you're not even sure what that is.

 

Have you discussed with this "good man and a good father" you're married to? I wouldn't be terribly surprised if he was feeling his own disconnect. Seems like you might have much to talk about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrin]

rachelblue,

It sounds to me like you are having the ubiquitous Mid Life Crisis - the one where the bank manager suddenly wants to be a hippy and the hippy suddenly puts a suit on.

 

I would suggest you get IC as I think that this is more about you than it is about your marriage.

 

Good luck x

 

This times 1000. Welcome to your mid-life crisis. There will be a commemorative program handed out at the end of the performance. Ha!

 

Ya, you just are hitting it and it can be summed up with the phrase, "is this It?" or better yet, "if this is It do I really want another 20-40 years of It". That's not to belittle your original question - at all. Rather, this is a journey that is oh so much larger than just your husband and your marriage. You may not be able to see that now but trust me, it is true. A few things for you to consider:

 

1. Your estrogen levels are dropping. Estrogen, among other things, is what makes stuff like self sacrifice for your husband so attractive. It makes things like his quirks "cute" and "endearing". Google "Grey Divorce" and read up on it.

 

2. At the same time your husband's testosterone levels are dropping. It makes him more whiny, needy and probably emotional. I'd bet that those three traits are the opposite of charming for you.

 

3. Those are just two examples of how much both of you have changed recently. They may or may not be true. Or even the issue here. Just something to consider.

 

4. My advice to you is to take big step back - not from considering divorce - but back in terms of really looking at your life. And where you are in it. I'll bet the farm that your dissatisfaction with your husband is just a symptom of a much bigger existential crisis - the mid life crisis to be exact.

 

All that being said, you might really be better off divorcing him. Happens all the time and it is neither good nor bad in my book. What you need to make sure of is that you're doing it not only for the right reasons but that afterwards, you are in a position to really deal with your New Life. Nothing is worse than a 40-something that gets divorced but hasn't gotten a handle on their mid life crisis.

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[BettyDraper]

This times 1000. Welcome to your mid-life crisis. There will be a commemorative program handed out at the end of the performance. Ha!

 

Ya, you just are hitting it and it can be summed up with the phrase, "is this It?" or better yet, "if this is It do I really want another 20-40 years of It". That's not to belittle your original question - at all. Rather, this is a journey that is oh so much larger than just your husband and your marriage. You may not be able to see that now but trust me, it is true. A few things for you to consider:

 

1. Your estrogen levels are dropping. Estrogen, among other things, is what makes stuff like self sacrifice for your husband so attractive. It makes things like his quirks "cute" and "endearing". Google "Grey Divorce" and read up on it.

 

2. At the same time your husband's testosterone levels are dropping. It makes him more whiny, needy and probably emotional. I'd bet that those three traits are the opposite of charming for you.

 

3. Those are just two examples of how much both of you have changed recently. They may or may not be true. Or even the issue here. Just something to consider.

 

4. My advice to you is to take big step back - not from considering divorce - but back in terms of really looking at your life. And where you are in it. I'll bet the farm that your dissatisfaction with your husband is just a symptom of a much bigger existential crisis - the mid life crisis to be exact.

 

All that being said, you might really be better off divorcing him. Happens all the time and it is neither good nor bad in my book. What you need to make sure of is that you're doing it not only for the right reasons but that afterwards, you are in a position to really deal with your New Life. Nothing is worse than a 40-something that gets divorced but hasn't gotten a handle on their mid life crisis.

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

This. I don't think a mid life crisis is a good reason to break up a perfectly good marriage.

 

Nobody here can tell you if you should divorce. That is a huge decision which you can only make on your own.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rachel, having read both your posts it appears to me that your reasons for divorce are very shallow and indicate a huge level of selfishness. Do you have a job? Do you go out on GNOs with your girl friends? Are some of them single? Do you envy the single ones who have fun and probably hook up with multiple partners just for sex? Is that what is appearing so attractive to you? I can bet my bottom dollar that it is these girlfriends of yours, especially the single , unattached/divorced ones who want you to join their tribe. I am sure the married ones would not encourage you to divorce as it would be hypocritical of them unless some of them are already in the divorce process. Have you approached your husband and discussed this with him? Does he even know how you are feeling?

 

Actually, with the very brief information you have given, with no long term backgrounder, it seems to me that you have been chafing at the bit for a while, wanting to spread your sexual wings , but are probably waiting for your kids to go off to college, before you indulge yourself. Once they are gone and you divorce you can then go on a sexual binge and have a rollicking time. The sad thing is that that kind of high will only last so long, and with no true companionship you will soon be craving the kind of family life you had while married. If in the meantime, your husband remarries, that fact will burn a hole in your heart apart from making it impossible for you to reconcile with him and get married to him again. So before you frivolously ask for advice, which you could have got from your so called friends, rather than coming to a forum of annonymous strangers, give it a deep and serious thought. If upon reflection you find that the reason you want a divorce is because of your own issues, and has nothing to do with your husband, then think again before you commit one way or another. Warm wishes.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Just a Guy
Addition of fresh sentences and correction of errors.

[dichotomy]

1) If I am divorced my life will have (or be)

 

a,b,c,e,f, g, h

 

2) If I stay married my life will have (or be)

 

I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P

 

 

 

Just list them out and add them up - visualize each life a year from now, 5 years, 10 years.

 

 

Whats better or worse vision?

 

 

With all the issues I have had in MY marriage - I was able to see each possible life and made the choice. I still make that choice all the time.

[Mr. Lucky]

My friends all pressure me to get divorced but logically I think it's not a good idea.

 

Surprises me. I'm pretty sure, under a similar set of circumstances, my friends would encourage me to stay married.

 

How do they see your husband and your marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LastAcorn99]

You said that your husband is a good man and a good father, isn’t that something to hold on to? Every marriage hit a wall at some point or the other, and I believe that divorce is not the answer. Have you spoken to him about what you’re going through? I would suggest you go for marriage counseling before you make such a huge decision that would forever negatively impact the lives of your loved ones. I pray that God will give you His wisdom and strength. Blessings!

[notbroken]

So you are 'bored' with the same old same old? You are clearly having a midlife crisis. Yes, there is probably no shortage of men to date/have sex with. After the initial few months of excitement of that you will soon realize 'so what?'. You can have sex with as many men as you want. So what? There isn't anything to prove or pride there. I promise that. Your 'girlfriends' want you to do it because they are also bored and want to live through you while enjoying their comfortable homes. Some of them want company in their misery. Misery always wants company. You'll find they aren't such great friends or around when you are lonely and stuck paying the bills in real life land instead of the fairly land they all imagine single life will be. You are about to irretrievably blow up your and your families lives. Be very careful what you ask for. You will get parts of it - and most of it won't be as grand as you thought it would be.

 

You are close to 'hitting the wall'. While plenty of men will take you home and sleep with you, most won't commit and just consider you another one of the bar women to have sex with and discard. Meaningful long term relationships with someone you really love and are compatible with are not easy to find. Your husband on the other hand is the real catch. Women will line up to be with a successful man at his stage of life. You'll wish you had someone that surprisingly is just like the man you left and were 'bored with'.

 

Boredom is within yourself. It's not with your husband. Find another way to get some excitement. You are on a very dangerous path - and your friends aren't helping. Disaster lies ahead. It is easily avoided. Don't go down the same path you are on or you will surely find it.

[BluesPower]

How are you doing with all this? We are here to help if you want it...

[Mittens]

 

Boredom is within yourself. It's not with your husband. Find another way to get some excitement. You are on a very dangerous path - and your friends aren't helping. Disaster lies ahead. It is easily avoided. Don't go down the same path you are on or you will surely find it.

 

I've only quoted part of notbroken's post, but all of it is true. How do I know? Because I was the woman who left.

 

Nearly 8 years later and my life is no better than it was when I was with my ex H. In fact, in many ways it is worse. I've been with my new partner (we are engaged but that in itself is a complete joke) 7 and a half years now, I'm 48 and he's 46...and for the last 6 and a half years we've been in a LDR...and he's living with his parents. He 'uses' - because to me that's what he is doing - the excuse of credit card debit not to leave and get another job. The real reason is for that he doesn't want to leave the most expensive city in the UK to live in. His debt has actually doubled in the last 6 years.

 

So for the last 6 and a half years I've been living totally on my own, dealing with a serious illness totally on my own. No family, very few friends as people tend to drop you when you can't afford to socialize with them anymore. The only reason I stay in this relationship is because I don't want to be left totally on my own. We have no sex life (exactly like the end of my marriage), and yes, once again I'm bored out of my skull. Nothing has really changed except now I'm nearly 50 and very poor.

 

Yes, I had the first flush of excitement when I left, dating other men etc. That didn't last long, less than a year. What I sacrificed for that year was so not worth it.

 

Talk to your husband about how you are feeling. Get counselling, just for yourself. Try and find other less destructive ways to improve your quality of life.

[planning4later]

I've been married for 24 years. I'm not attracted to my husband anymore. Life is boring. Not sure if this is a good reason to get divorced. I have teenage kids. They will be going to college soon. My friends all pressure me to get divorced but logically I think it's not a good idea.

 

Are you kidding me??? Look I hate to be rude but come on. Wake up. Take a look around these forums and read about people with REAL reasons for divorce.

 

If there's no infidelity and neither of you are beating the snot out of the other, there's no reason.

[Nowty V]

My friends all pressure me to get divorced

 

Get rid of your 'friends'

 

You say friends plural yet most people have only one or maybe two real close friends.

 

A group of them, you couldn't say they all have your best interests at heart.

 

Human Beings are peculiar, it is not uncommon for some to get satisfaction at another's misfortune; and will egg them on towards it.

 

If your life is boring that is nothing to do with another person [husband] and something that only you can alter.

[Logan787]

Have you thought about taking up a hobby? I doubt very seriously that another person would change that for you. The problem is not on the outside of you but on the inside. Change your thinking and look for new ways to stimulate your marriage and your free time. The grass is greener where you water it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rachel, you haven't responded to the many people who have posted on your thread. To me it seems like you have asked this question idly, not really being serious about what you've written or or what you intend to do. I get the feeling that you are either preparing to have an affair or are already in the midst of one. Your whole lackadaisical manner of having posted your query and the few inputs you have offered show that you are not interested in getting serious answers. A woman who has been married for twenty four years and HSS kids ready to go to college does not wake up one day feeling bored with her life and saying that she has lost interest in her husband. If this actually be the cade then you must be one of those spoiled and entitled princesses who hasn't done a day's honest work in her life while her husband has slogged to provide food on the table, put a roof over her heaf , given her a snazzy car to drive and provided for the children's education, clothing, food and shelter all these years. Your friends seem to be the sleazy kind going behind their husbands backs to cheat on the. This is why they are encouraging you to divorce and sow your wild oats. Guess you need to wake up and smell the coffee. Warm wishes .