Girlfriend cheated on me - very complicated!

[UniUser12]

Ok this is a long one as it is quite complex, so I appreciate anyone who can read and reply.

 

I am a 19 year old male, and my girlfriend is 17. We have been together for 2 and a half years, both our first relationship etc. Very cheesy, but I believe we are in love and it could be the 'one'.

 

However this year I have had a problem with something I did not think I would ever have to worry about, and that is cheating. There are 2 distinct situations that have happened and I am still getting my head around it.

 

The first one was back in March. We were at my house with some of my closest friends. There was a lot of drink. My girlfriend had a major problem with alcohol back then, and when she was drunk she got absolutely smashed. I know that because I saw her that night. I got very tired that night and fell asleep. That night, she made out with my friend I will call him One, got naked, gave him a blowjob and got fingered. I am assured on all accounts that no sex happened. In the morning I caught them kissing and went mad, but I had no idea about the other stuff that happened. My girlfriend was upset and apologised for the kissing, but never told me about everything else.

 

I was willing to put this down to trouble with alcohol, as she was still drinking well through the night and into the morning (straight vodka). However, a different friend, one she was very close to who I will call Two, had been in the room as well. A few days later the two of them began to message eachother. At first it was innocent, but eventually they started talking sexually. About once a week they would talk dirty to eachother, and it got very explicit. Sometimes she was drunk, but sometimes not.

 

This went on for about 4 months before I found out everything a few weeks back. A friend who had found out told me because he wanted me to know, and I glad he did.

 

So I expect you are wondering - why would I even hestiate to break up with this girl? Well, at first instance I did break up with her. But I found out that the hurt of not being with her was even worse than the hurt of finding out. Also, she is a very complicated girl.

 

My gf has long complex problems mentally. She has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and pyschosis. At the start of the year she spent 3 months in a mental health unit. Around the time of the first instance, she had just got out. Me and her had been arguing a lot that week, and had not been having an active sex life. She can be very vulnerable and manipulated when she is bouts of depression, and I know that Two did draw her in saying he had depression, he had no dad like herself etc.

 

She said she never loved him, and the guy himself said she would always tell him she loved me and not him. It seemed to be only for sexual gratification, despite me and my girlfriend having a very active sex life during the entire time.

 

So when it came out, she was very honest. Both friends were scumbags and tried to lie and cover it up, but I have the truth out now. My girlfriend told me all about Two, their chats etc. She also said that at a different party, she almost got off with Two but stopped herself. The guy has confirmed that story. She said she was sorry a million times, said that she could not live without me. As I said, we have been together a long time and have a very deep relationship. She also said that she was so drunk that first night, she did not remember going that far. Since finding out everything, she has actually been diagnosed with PTSD and is going through councilling. It may be worth noting that One was not drunk that night.

 

So what has she done since? She has given up alcohol, and only drinks with me alone or family. She lets me see her phone whenever and is desperate for me to trust her, but I dont yet. She constantly tells me she loves me, that she was in a bad place and had no idea what she was doing. What is worse, the whole story has got out in my circle of friends now. I know that they think I am a fool for staying with her. I have just moved to uni (30 mins away) as well, and I realise I will have a lot of temptations while I am up here. However I am willing to do that for her, but will she always be willing for me?

 

So if anyone has managed to read that all, I just need some feedback. Is she to blame? Am I a fool for staying with her? As I have made that decision, I also need to know how to forgive and forget everything. My mind is haunted with images of the blow job, as well as the messages she sent. I appreciate any sort of insight and opinion anyone can give.

[ExpatInItaly]

In short?

 

Yes, she is to blame. It wasn't just a one-night, one-time occurrence. This is a pattern of behaviour. She wasn't drunk the whole time.

 

And yes, you are 100% a fool for staying. She showed you repeatedly that she doesn't love or respect you. If she or you thinks that is love, you really need to re-think your definition of "love."

 

Bottom line, whatever the reason, she's not going to give you the type of relationship you want. And at only 17, the probability that this girl would someday become your wife is extremely low anyway. With her cheating tendencies, it basically zero. She'll do it again because she's not mature and still likes having sexual interactions with other men.

 

Unless you want to be back here posting about guy Three , you need to end this and find a girl who actually loves you enough to stay loyal.

[UniUser12]

In short?

 

 

Hi, thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Sadly, i do not have the willpower to leave her. I am just too invested in her. What she did the past few months is not love agreed, but the 2 years before that was. Ok so the idea of marrying this girl does sound silly at this stage, but i think it is possible.

 

As much as i distrust her, i dont think there will be a guy 3. Me finding out crushed her bad and she had a rough few days as her family found out, i shunned her etc. So even if she didnt do it for me, its in her own interests really.

 

Apologies, it is not that i am just dismissing your advice. It is sound advice. Perhaps what I should have asked is not should I leave, but what do I do now that ive stayed. Keep an extra eye on her? Or do i need to trust, however hard it is.

[road]

Hi, thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Sadly, i do not have the willpower to leave her. I am just too invested in her. What she did the past few months is not love agreed, but the 2 years before that was. Ok so the idea of marrying this girl does sound silly at this stage, but i think it is possible.

 

As much as i distrust her, i dont think there will be a guy 3. Me finding out crushed her bad and she had a rough few days as her family found out, i shunned her etc. So even if she didnt do it for me, its in her own interests really.

 

Apologies, it is not that i am just dismissing your advice. It is sound advice. Perhaps what I should have asked is not should I leave, but what do I do now that ive stayed. Keep an extra eye on her? Or do i need to trust, however hard it is.

 

Best to move on she has issues that I think will resurface. But you do not want to do that so do this.

 

 

Do not marry her for the next four years. Finish college and see if see can stay faithful all that time.

 

 

And go NC with those friends.

Edited September 20, 2016 by road

[VeveCakes]

Hi, thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Sadly, i do not have the willpower to leave her. I am just too invested in her. What she did the past few months is not love agreed, but the 2 years before that was. Ok so the idea of marrying this girl does sound silly at this stage, but i think it is possible.

 

As much as i distrust her, i dont think there will be a guy 3. Me finding out crushed her bad and she had a rough few days as her family found out, i shunned her etc. So even if she didnt do it for me, its in her own interests really.

 

Apologies, it is not that i am just dismissing your advice. It is sound advice. Perhaps what I should have asked is not should I leave, but what do I do now that ive stayed. Keep an extra eye on her? Or do i need to trust, however hard it is.

 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news - there will be 3, 4, 5 and on and on. Shes what 17? This is a clear example of her morals. I have never cheated once, never have never will. At 17 my friends who cheated are still out there cheating and lying. Its in her nature. You have also taken her back time and time again so why would she change? She also needs to get away from the booze. You can't make someone loyal no matter how much you love them.

[clia]

Yes, you look like a fool.

 

The cheating is bad enough, but she cheated on you with your friends. She had sex with your friends. (You don't consider her having your friend's penis in her mouth as sex? Why not?). She has no respect for you at all. None.

 

As pointed out above, there will be 3, 4, 5, 6, etc. if you stay with her, especially considering that you are now away at school. Who do you think she'll be spending her nights with?

 

Gather your strength and run as fast as you can. Find a girl who respects you.

[stillafool]

BTW, giving oral sex and getting finger banged is having sex. Get tested. Yes she will cheat again given her age and her history with alcohol. I think alcohol just lowers your inhibitions giving you the courage to do what you want to do. I highly doubt these guy manipulated her into anything. She wanted to do it.

[aliveagain]

Actually it is not that complicated, drunk or not, she knows right from wrong. Any woman that will put another man's penis inside of her with you sleeping in the same house is not girlfriend material. When you caught her making out with your friend the next morning, she wasn't drunk. She cheated=she can't be trusted. She has a history of doing this to you, wake up. Secondly, any friend that would put his penis, fingers or tongue into your exclusive girlfriend is not your friend so get rid of them.

 

Your the only one making this complicated, she's showing you who she is and what you can expect from her. Your the one that is unwilling to accept what she is showing you. You think because she has most of the attributes your looking for in the perfect girlfriend that you can change or fix her less desirable ones, wrong. When someone cheats on you early on in your relationship and with multiple best friends, get rid of them. She failed her audition as UniUser12's spouse.

[lolablue17]

Here's the paradox.

 

The only way she can fix her way, is to pay a price of being dumped by you. So her next Bf may thank you.

 

But if you stay, it means she didn't pay any price = she will continue cheating on you. Why wouldn't she? She's already done that twice (That you know of) and got away with it. Any hamster can learn what she may learn: She cheats - you stay - she can have both worlds.

[GorillaTheater]

Sadly, i do not have the willpower to leave her. I am just too invested in her. What she did the past few months is not love agreed, but the 2 years before that was. Ok so the idea of marrying this girl does sound silly at this stage, but i think it is possible.

 

 

Then you'll suffer, and it'll be your fault at least as much as hers the next time it happens (which it most assuredly will), because you're now a volunteer, not a victim.

[Zahara]

Perhaps what I should have asked is not should I leave, but what do I do now that ive stayed. Keep an extra eye on her? Or do i need to trust, however hard it is.

 

Keep an extra eye on her? What sort of relationship would that be constantly looking over your shoulder? Babysitting someone because you're afraid they'll cheat.

 

Need to trust no matter how hard it is? At 19, you're on a very destructive path. If anything, you've taught her you're a doormat and will tolerate just about anything to be with her. Chances are it will happen again and you'll just keep chipping away at your already poor self-esteem.

[eightytwenty]

You are too young and life is too short. Break up and move on.

[Space Ritual]

Hi, thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Sadly, i do not have the willpower to leave her. I am just too invested in her. What she did the past few months is not love agreed, but the 2 years before that was. Ok so the idea of marrying this girl does sound silly at this stage, but i think it is possible.

 

As much as i distrust her, i dont think there will be a guy 3. Me finding out crushed her bad and she had a rough few days as her family found out, i shunned her etc. So even if she didnt do it for me, its in her own interests really.

 

Apologies, it is not that i am just dismissing your advice. It is sound advice. Perhaps what I should have asked is not should I leave, but what do I do now that ive stayed. Keep an extra eye on her? Or do i need to trust, however hard it is.

 

 

LOL,

 

Yeah you are gonna save her from doing it again...pffft!

 

Just like the saying "a fool and his money are soon parted", In your case it should read "A fool and his common sense are soon parted".

 

Quit making excuses for her. Drunk, depression and psychosis , whatever. She isn't t even 18 and she's getting hammered blowing friends of yours. Do you think the behavior will simply just stop just because you hope it does??

 

You have a slag in training for a girlfriend. Good luck with that, kid. lol. Just so we are clear, you better get yourself a new set of friends as well. With friends like that I would shudder to think what your enemies are like.

[Wade Lamare]

Ok this is a long one as it is quite complex, so I appreciate anyone who can read and reply.

 

I am a 19 year old male, and my girlfriend is 17. We have been together for 2 and a half years, both our first relationship etc. Very cheesy, but I believe we are in love and it could be the 'one'.

 

However this year I have had a problem with something I did not think I would ever have to worry about, and that is cheating. There are 2 distinct situations that have happened and I am still getting my head around it.

 

The first one was back in March. We were at my house with some of my closest friends. There was a lot of drink. My girlfriend had a major problem with alcohol back then, and when she was drunk she got absolutely smashed. I know that because I saw her that night. I got very tired that night and fell asleep. That night, she made out with my friend I will call him One, got naked, gave him a blowjob and got fingered. I am assured on all accounts that no sex happened. In the morning I caught them kissing and went mad, but I had no idea about the other stuff that happened. My girlfriend was upset and apologised for the kissing, but never told me about everything else.

 

I was willing to put this down to trouble with alcohol, as she was still drinking well through the night and into the morning (straight vodka). However, a different friend, one she was very close to who I will call Two, had been in the room as well. A few days later the two of them began to message eachother. At first it was innocent, but eventually they started talking sexually. About once a week they would talk dirty to eachother, and it got very explicit. Sometimes she was drunk, but sometimes not.

 

This went on for about 4 months before I found out everything a few weeks back. A friend who had found out told me because he wanted me to know, and I glad he did.

 

So I expect you are wondering - why would I even hestiate to break up with this girl? Well, at first instance I did break up with her. But I found out that the hurt of not being with her was even worse than the hurt of finding out. Also, she is a very complicated girl.

 

My gf has long complex problems mentally. She has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and pyschosis. At the start of the year she spent 3 months in a mental health unit. Around the time of the first instance, she had just got out. Me and her had been arguing a lot that week, and had not been having an active sex life. She can be very vulnerable and manipulated when she is bouts of depression, and I know that Two did draw her in saying he had depression, he had no dad like herself etc.

 

She said she never loved him, and the guy himself said she would always tell him she loved me and not him. It seemed to be only for sexual gratification, despite me and my girlfriend having a very active sex life during the entire time.

 

So when it came out, she was very honest. Both friends were scumbags and tried to lie and cover it up, but I have the truth out now. My girlfriend told me all about Two, their chats etc. She also said that at a different party, she almost got off with Two but stopped herself. The guy has confirmed that story. She said she was sorry a million times, said that she could not live without me. As I said, we have been together a long time and have a very deep relationship. She also said that she was so drunk that first night, she did not remember going that far. Since finding out everything, she has actually been diagnosed with PTSD and is going through councilling. It may be worth noting that One was not drunk that night.

 

So what has she done since? She has given up alcohol, and only drinks with me alone or family. She lets me see her phone whenever and is desperate for me to trust her, but I dont yet. She constantly tells me she loves me, that she was in a bad place and had no idea what she was doing. What is worse, the whole story has got out in my circle of friends now. I know that they think I am a fool for staying with her. I have just moved to uni (30 mins away) as well, and I realise I will have a lot of temptations while I am up here. However I am willing to do that for her, but will she always be willing for me?

 

So if anyone has managed to read that all, I just need some feedback. Is she to blame? Am I a fool for staying with her? As I have made that decision, I also need to know how to forgive and forget everything. My mind is haunted with images of the blow job, as well as the messages she sent. I appreciate any sort of insight and opinion anyone can give.

 

Check this out, I feel it describes your relationship with this girl.

 

Understanding and Overcoming the White Knight Syndrome ? Eduard Ezeanu

[Darren Steez]

Hi, thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Sadly, i do not have the willpower to leave her. I am just too invested in her. What she did the past few months is not love agreed, but the 2 years before that was. Ok so the idea of marrying this girl does sound silly at this stage, but i think it is possible.

 

As much as i distrust her, i dont think there will be a guy 3. Me finding out crushed her bad and she had a rough few days as her family found out, i shunned her etc. So even if she didnt do it for me, its in her own interests really.

 

Apologies, it is not that i am just dismissing your advice. It is sound advice. Perhaps what I should have asked is not should I leave, but what do I do now that ive stayed. Keep an extra eye on her? Or do i need to trust, however hard it is.

 

Then pal, you cannot complain when she cheats again. Absolutely zero pity if someone can't/refuses help themselves.

 

It's like getting slapped repeatedly and saying I don't have the willpower to step out the way of those slaps.

[smackie9]

Dude look up "shining knight or white night syndrome" SHE IS accountable for her behavior regardless of her "mental illness". You can't help her if she just can't help herself, nor is it your job to "rescue her" from all these mishaps. I agree you are way too young to carry this girl's problems. What you are doing and where you are at with her is not healthy nor will ever be healthy. Believe it or not, she doesn't deserve you and your kindness, someone else does. This girl is going to keep f'ing you over and over and over.

[Marc878]

Not complicated. Very typical.

 

You are in denial of who she really is.

[benpom]

I am a 19 year old male, and my girlfriend is 17. We have been together for 2 and a half years, both our first relationship etc. Very cheesy, but I believe we are in love and it could be the 'one'.

 

I hope you don't believe she is the one anymore.

[benpom]

Here's the paradox.

 

The only way she can fix her way, is to pay a price of being dumped by you. So her next Bf may thank you.

 

But if you stay, it means she didn't pay any price = she will continue cheating on you. Why wouldn't she? She's already done that twice (That you know of) and got away with it. Any hamster can learn what she may learn: She cheats - you stay - she can have both worlds.

 

Even this is not going to make her fix her way. People don't get fixed because of bad consequences. In fact, people tend to repeat mistakes.

People only fix themselves when they genuinely want to be good and commit to it.

[Grapesofwrath]

Uni: This may seem complicated to you because of your emotions right now, but it's actually not complicated. At age 17, your girlfriend has developed some serious mental health issues, alcoholism, and sexual precociousness. She needs help with those things now, before her life goes down a very dark path. You are in a fair bit of denial about this:

 

1) Drinking with you and your family/friends is still drinking. She has not given up alcohol.

 

2) Oral sex and digital sex are sex. She may not have had intercourse--for a variety of reasons including that they didn't have protection--but it's still sex.

 

I agree with previous posters that you seem to think you can save this girl from her problems somehow. You can't. No one can. This is something she has to do herself, with the help of a mental health professional. The kindest thing you can do for her is direct her toward some resources in her area and then say goodbye. Let her figure it out. From what you have said here, I'm afraid she has some demons to fight, and that is her battle. Not yours.

 

Might also be worth it for you to seek counseling at school to examine why you feel compelled to stay with someone who is so clearly not ready for a healthy relationship.

[Grapesofwrath]

10 characters

[Davey L]

Since you won't leave her now after two, will you leave her after Mr Three?

 

Just don't make any rash commitments in the meantime...