'ex' emailed me after I asked for NC - unsure how to proceed

[tangowhiskey]

I apologise for the long thread in advance, but I really feel I could do with some help and input.

 

I met a guy last October and to cut a long story short I fell for him in quite a major way. He was very keen to begin with and did everything you’d expect, and we quickly fell into a dating scenario. It was never equal though and it quickly dawned on me I felt for them much more strongly than they felt for me.

 

The past ten months have been confusing, upsetting, heartbreaking - I could go on. ALthought I don’t want to dwell on what happened but a few months ago I decided I had to walk away from it. I had to ask them for time and space because it was just too hurtful. I had admitted I had fallen for them, they were glad I was honest but they did (jn a roundabout way) confirm they didn’t feel the same and they didn’t feel we were compatible.

 

However by this point we had spent 10 months spending an awful lot of time together, having an intense physical relationship, and we spoke almost daily. However it was usually more on their terms than mine – and some of their behaviour was quite selfish and quite often made me feel rejected and hurt. They were meeting other people, but not being fully honest about this, so whenI became aware of this slowly it was painful. I never was though because I had feelings for them and an emotional attachment. So I guess I started to feel used – despite the fact we technically were not officially in a relationship.

 

We had a great natural rapport and had numerous conversations about remaining ‘friends’ but I just didn’t know if I could handle it. I was and still am very much in love.

 

8 weeks ago I decided I had to ask for time and space to get my head into a better place. They had been away on a trip and barely kept in touch, and had a go at me when I asked why. I knew I was just making myself miserable. So I explained I needed space and time to heal and get over things, and they replied saying they understood and hoped we could be friends sooner rather than later. Despite this, they messaged me twice in the first 4 weeks. I responded politely but bluntly. And then – two weeks ago- they sent me an email;

 

“I wasn’t at all expecting or planning to send something like this (I wanted to respect our agreement and I’m still not 100% sure sending this is the best thing to do) but today by complete chance I happened to read an article about people being manipulative/sociopathic in relationships and so much of it rang true with me that it was like a punch in the face. I’m incredibly sorry that I didn’t recognise my damaging behaviour sooner, I think I’m now starting to see so much more from your point of view than I’d allowed myself to see at any point in the past - looks like I was in denial (despite you rightly pointing that behaviour out more than once) and obliviously hurting you badly in the process.

 

I don’t expect any response to this and I’m not trying to reinstate contact as if nothing happened, I’ll keep my distance. Just wanted to let you know that I’m realising now just how badly I behaved towards you and that I’m truly sorry for it. I’m hoping I can sort myself out and address it now that I’ve recognised I had the capacity to act so badly towards you when you clearly didn't deserve that kind of treatment.

 

I hope your health is good, hope work isn’t too bad and hope you’re looking forward to your trip to Australia.

 

All the best”

 

I really couldn’t believe it, and I am still not sure how to interpret and respond.

 

Can anyone advise on what they would make of this? I am in a perpetual state of confusion and still miss them terribly.

 

Thanks

[Satu]

If you were really doing NC, he wouldn't be able to contact you, because he would be blocked on everything.

 

Your confusion and feeling of missing him are two good reasons to go NC.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[tangowhiskey]

I know what you are saying, but this isn't a conventional break up in a sense. I asked for time and space, and had already removed from social media etc. I didnt feel the need to block outright - that seems a little overkill. I still made no contact myself in 8 weeks.

If we had been in a romantic relationship from the out, and there was a hurtful breakup, this may have been more necessary.

 

The time and space was with a view to seeing if I could heal and be friends one day, so the email was unexpected and I am not sure how to react.

Edited September 20, 2016 by tangowhiskey

[Satu]

Do whatever you think best, but you're kidding yourself that you are doing NC, when you aren't.

 

 

Take care.

[tangowhiskey]

I didn’t state I was ‘doing NC’. I stated I asked for time and space, which is what is happening. I am well aware of how I could completely block someone from my life, but I have not said that is what I asked for.

 

I came here looking for some help to get my head around the email received, but thank you for taking the time to offer your wise words.

[Zahara]

Supposedly, he's self-reflective. I wouldn't place much on his email. He may be remorseful for his behavior but that doesn't mean that he's interested.

 

You should stay NC (and that means blocking) and keep moving forward.

[stillafool]

 

The time and space was with a view to seeing if I could heal and be friends one day, so the email was unexpected and I am not sure how to react.

 

There is really nothing to react to except an apology on his part for the way he treated you. He has said he is not trying to reinstate contact and probably now realizes that because of your feelings you cannot just be his friend as it would be too painful for you. It certainly doesn't mean he's sorry for the way he acted and is now ready to be the man you always wanted him to be. It sounded kinda like a final goodbye letter.

[tangowhiskey]

There is really nothing to react to except an apology on his part for the way he treated you. He has said he is not trying to reinstate contact and probably now realizes that because of your feelings you cannot just be his friend as it would be too painful for you. It certainly doesn't mean he's sorry for the way he acted and is now ready to be the man you always wanted him to be. It sounded kinda like a final goodbye letter.

 

Yes that was one way I read into it too, which is why it confused me. I wasn't sure if he said about not reinstating contact because I had asked for time and space.

 

I never expected us to be together or anything, he said many times he didn't feel we were compatible in that regard. I was just hoping maybe that a friendship would be possible after I had time away to heal and get over things. Its quite a sad email to have received in a way despite the apology..

[Toodaloo]

I am still not sure how to interpret and respond.

 

You interpret it that they want your attention and you respond by ignoring it...

[tangowhiskey]

I guess I should also note, a few weeks after I got the email I sent a birthday message. I said "Wishing you a happy birthday today x" and he replied "Thank you hope you're ok x".

 

I am very confused by all of this.

 

On one hand I am impressed he reached out to apologiese and admit the negative things he did, but also I felt I was in a situation where I had asked for time and space away with a view of getting back in touch if/when I felt ready. Now I am not so sure at all if that is at all possible still..

[tangowhiskey]

You interpret it that they want your attention and you respond by ignoring it...

 

I suppose everyone is seeing this as a break up scenario - which I can understand. But we were not in a defined/committed relationship and this wasn't really a 'messy break up' so I find it hard to see it in such black and white terms. They were reaching out on this occasion to say sorry - I dont know if I can just see that as a malicious way of getting attention.

[tangowhiskey]

In hindsight I do regret the birthday text, just to clarify..

[springy]

It's only been 8 weeks and it seems you are still quite emotional about it all - so I would say friendship is off the table for a long while. He was selfish, made you feel rejected and hurt...everything was on his terms. This person doesn't sound like good friendship material.

 

If the apology is sincere and this person really does think they may have sociopathic tendencies he's got a long road and lots of work to do before he's much good to anyone relationship wise. Good for him, he's sorry about it. Seems he can't even bring himself to respect your request for space. Still being selfish.

 

I think your decision to walk away was a wise choice and you should not look back.

[Zahara]

I suppose everyone is seeing this as a break up scenario - which I can understand. But we were not in a defined/committed relationship and this wasn't really a 'messy break up' so I find it hard to see it in such black and white terms. They were reaching out on this occasion to say sorry - I dont know if I can just see that as a malicious way of getting attention.

 

Trust me, there are people out there that will say anything to get what they want -- even an apology.

 

Accept it for what it is and move on. No need to respond. This doesn't change the fact that he was never interested in you, if that's how you are reading into the apology.

[AT15]

You got your closure and a sincere apology. *high fives*

[RocketQueen]

The first few times of telling my Ex I was stopping contacting him (not going full NC) I was flattered that he broke the 'NC' but the contact was never about 'us' or anything that would benefit me. It always ended up confusing or upsetting me.

 

It soon became apparent that his inability to leave me alone wasn't out of love or yearning but a control thing and just another way in which he didn't respect my thoughts or feelings.

 

For him (your ex) his conscience has been eased, for you, confusion and asking others who have gone through the same WTF it means. Who has benefitted here?.

 

Go full NC and you will feel better xxx

[tangowhiskey]

It's only been 8 weeks and it seems you are still quite emotional about it all - so I would say friendship is off the table for a long while. He was selfish, made you feel rejected and hurt...everything was on his terms. This person doesn't sound like good friendship material.

 

If the apology is sincere and this person really does think they may have sociopathic tendencies he's got a long road and lots of work to do before he's much good to anyone relationship wise. Good for him, he's sorry about it. Seems he can't even bring himself to respect your request for space. Still being selfish.

 

I think your decision to walk away was a wise choice and you should not look back.

 

Thank you. This was a really thoughtful and well worded reply.

 

It has certainly made me think. I did not request no contact whatsoever or tell him I dont want to hear, I did ask for time and space but even I didnt know at the time what that would entail or how long it would last.

 

So I cannot feel TOO annoyed he got in touch, as I didnt instruct him not to if that makes sense. The email I can forgive as I do believe it is a genuine attempt to say sorry for what happened. I truly did not expect it, so I think it just caused me more confusion - how I do react, what does it mean.

 

Despite what I have written we had many aspects that were great. I dont have any friends I get on with almost half as well, or just feel a natural rapport with.

 

Its a ****ty situation for sure.

[tangowhiskey]

Trust me, there are people out there that will say anything to get what they want -- even an apology.

 

Accept it for what it is and move on. No need to respond. This doesn't change the fact that he was never interested in you, if that's how you are reading into the apology.

 

I know what you mean. I really do. We were so close for ten months and aside from the feelings I had and the physical side, we were close friends also. He was there for more more than any of my actual friends. I do believe he cares - I was just hurt for the obvious reasons my feelings were not reciprocated and I couldn't keep worrying about when it would end etc.

 

I know he was never into a committed relationship but he often made it very clear he wouldn't want to lose me as a friend and I believed that too. I definitely feel l have lost a great friend alongside everything else

[tangowhiskey]

You got your closure and a sincere apology. *high fives*

 

Bittersweet isn't it? I had to endure all that pain, misery and confusion and NOW they realize ha. So others will hopefully now benefit, not me!

[stillafool]

You were the one who said you needed time and space and then you contacted him to wish him a happy b-day, is that correct? If so, you opened the line of communication and he didn't disrespect your wish for space.

[tangowhiskey]

You were the one who said you needed time and space and then you contacted him to wish him a happy b-day, is that correct? If so, you opened the line of communication and he didn't disrespect your wish for space.

 

Im not sure I agree. I asked for time and space - I didnt demand no contact whatsoever - and within 8 weeks he had sent two messages and the email. I sent the birthday text after all of this had happened and I have said I regret it. I dont see it as being disrespectful. I am still trying to figure out waht is best for me, I sent the bday text as I felt compelled to just send a brief acknowledgement it was his birthday.

 

I feel this forum is full of users who are adamant no contact, forever, is the only way to deal with relationships ending. I dont agree this is always necessary, surely some people can manage to remain courteous and civil without pretending someone doesn't exist?

Edited September 20, 2016 by tangowhiskey

[Survivor12]

Im not sure I agree. I asked for time and space - I didnt demand no contact whatsoever - and within 8 weeks he had sent two messages and the email. I sent the birthday text after all of this had happened and I have said I regret it. I dont see it as being disrespectful. I am still trying to figure out waht is best for me, I sent the bday text as I felt compelled to just send a brief acknowledgement it was his birthday.

 

I feel this forum is full of users who are adamant no contact, forever, is the only way to deal with relationships ending. I dont agree this is always necessary, surely some people can manage to remain courteous and civil without pretending someone doesn't exist?

 

Yet you're here with your head spinning trying to figure out what he means, what he's thinking and why he's contacting you. Perhaps you would benefit from listening to those who have offered advice & considering that they may be right.

[tangowhiskey]

I am very grateful for all of the advice! I just wanted to know what people made of my scenario and the email so I could 'sense check'. Of course I am prepared to go full no contact but this was never a typical relationship and so I am wondering am I missing out on the chance of a friendship here - something my life lacks generally.

[tangowhiskey]

Yet you're here with your head spinning trying to figure out what he means, what he's thinking and why he's contacting you. Perhaps you would benefit from listening to those who have offered advice & considering that they may be right.

 

Jeez - thanks for your help but why so hostile? We are ALL here for similar reasons, trying to figure these things out, I am trying my best to explain the scenario! I did not say anyone was wrong or right

 

There is also a difference between 'offering advice' and just being quite rude and condescending to someone who is going through extreme hurt.

[Toodaloo]

someone who is going through extreme hurt.

 

Which is why you need to stay away...

 

If you burnt yourself sticking your hand in a flame you wouldn't do it again... Same difference...