'ex' emailed me after I asked for NC - unsure how to proceed

[Frozensushi]

There is also a difference between 'offering advice' and just being quite rude and condescending to someone who is going through extreme hurt.

 

Those of us who are going through "extreme hurt" like you, cannot see reason when it's right in front of our face. I came here looking for sympathy and explanations too. What I got was the harsh truth. It stung and made me feel sick to my stomach. I was willing to accept the wisdom and advice that was given, even if I didn't want to hear it.

 

When we are in the throes of heartbreak we can't see clearly. If we have any sense at all, we can at least appreciate the advice and logic given from people who are looking at it from an outside point of view. No one here has an agenda. No one here has any ties to your situation. So there's nothing for them to gain.

 

At least try to find some insight from what people are try telling you. I see so many people here who are struggling because they refuse to accept the wisdom bestowed upon them. Try to be a little more open-minded.

[elaine567]

You got your closure and a sincere apology. *high fives*

 

People come on here all the time wanting closure and wanting their ex to apologise and take their share of the blame for the break up.

However, as I always have suspected, that given an apology, an acceptance of a huge share of the blame, and even a tentative self diagnosis of "crazy", that is still not good enough...

Doesn't sound like this guy is looking for reconciliation, but if he IS a huge manipulator then that may be part of his plan...

 

You don't ask for NC, you just do it.

[tangowhiskey]

Those of us who are going through "extreme hurt" like you, cannot see reason when it's right in front of our face. I came here looking for sympathy and explanations too. What I got was the harsh truth. It stung and made me feel sick to my stomach. I was willing to accept the wisdom and advice that was given, even if I didn't want to hear it.

 

When we are in the throes of heartbreak we can't see clearly. If we have any sense at all, we can at least appreciate the advice and logic given from people who are looking at it from an outside point of view. No one here has an agenda. No one here has any ties to your situation. So there's nothing for them to gain.

 

At least try to find some insight from what people are try telling you. I see so many people here who are struggling because they refuse to accept the wisdom bestowed upon them. Try to be a little more open-minded.

 

Of course! I don't believe I haven't taken advice and I've responded to each and every point with gratitude. But it seems to be prolific users of this forum can actually come across quite rude and harsh, and not consider the nuances of the situation described. I don't think people should be berated like fools if they have a different approach. It's not completely unheard of for people to remain on good terms with an ex eventually so this blanket approach of "do not contact them ever" sometimes feels a little misguided. I am not enemies with this person, and crucially, they were not in a relationship with me so technically are not even an ex. This isn't about game playing, or trying to "win"'someone back. I'm just trying to figure out how to respectfully and healthily move on whilst admitting I am immensely struggling.

[tangowhiskey]

People come on here all the time wanting closure and wanting their ex to apologise and take their share of the blame for the break up.

However, as I always have suspected, that given an apology, an acceptance of a huge share of the blame, and even a tentative self diagnosis of "crazy", that is still not good enough...

Doesn't sound like this guy is looking for reconciliation, but if he IS a huge manipulator then that may be part of his plan...

 

You don't ask for NC, you just do it.

 

Hey, thanks for your input. I'm certainly not saying the apology was "not enough" - it was just completely unexpected and interim didn't know what to think of it or do. Not really an ex/break up scenario which complicates matters. I am hoping the keeping distance was meant in a "this is what you asked for" sense and I didn't read it as an attempt to start a relationship with me.

[stillafool]

Of course! I don't believe I haven't taken advice and I've responded to each and every point with gratitude. But it seems to be prolific users of this forum can actually come across quite rude and harsh, and not consider the nuances of the situation described. I don't think people should be berated like fools if they have a different approach. It's not completely unheard of for people to remain on good terms with an ex eventually so this blanket approach of "do not contact them ever" sometimes feels a little misguided. I am not enemies with this person, and crucially, they were not in a relationship with me so technically are not even an ex. This isn't about game playing, or trying to "win"'someone back. I'm just trying to figure out how to respectfully and healthily move on whilst admitting I am immensely struggling.

 

You came here for the opinions of complete strangers on a public forum. Most people are not going to sugar coat what they perceive to be the truth; but I haven't seen where anyone has berated you like a fool (as you put it). It of course is up to you whether you take the advice or not but you can't tell strangers how to deliver it. That said, I don't think you can be friends with this guy because as you said earlier you are going through "extreme hurt" now and you two aren't even in a relationship. I think you would remain in pain and confusion if you are just his casual friend.

[Frozensushi]

Most people are not going to sugar coat what they perceive to be the truth; but I haven't seen where anyone has berated you like a fool (as you put it).

 

People here can be blunt, that sometimes is part of being honest. I don't believe anyone here is attacking you. Think of it as tough love from a stranger.

[tangowhiskey]

You came here for the opinions of complete strangers on a public forum. Most people are not going to sugar coat what they perceive to be the truth; but I haven't seen where anyone has berated you like a fool (as you put it). It of course is up to you whether you take the advice or not but you can't tell strangers how to deliver it. That said, I don't think you can be friends with this guy because as you said earlier you are going through "extreme hurt" now and you two aren't even in a relationship. I think you would remain in pain and confusion if you are just his casual friend.

 

In don't necessarily feel I have been berated but I've seen frequent and harsh criticisms of people as I more and more threads - it just sometimes strikes me as a little harsh!

[Toodaloo]

In don't necessarily feel I have been berated but I've seen frequent and harsh criticisms of people as I more and more threads - it just sometimes strikes me as a little harsh!

 

Well what would you rather?

 

Someone allowing you to wallow and get all silly and even more distressed, winding you up more and making your head spin out of control so you end up in a semi hypo state with grief....

 

Or would you rather someone pointed out the obvious and the ways in which you can take control of your life and start helping yourself feel better and make better choices?

 

Its all very good and well running round screaming that the sky is falling in but reality is that it isn't.

 

I thought you came here for help to start feeling better? If so that is what you have been given. Might not be the help you wanted but its what you have got.

[BC1980]

You asked for space, and he contacted you 3 times. So he didn't respect your request for space. I would block him if I were you. It is clear that you are hurting, and he won't leave you alone. No need to respond to the email. That email is more about him than you.

[tangowhiskey]

You asked for space, and he contacted you 3 times. So he didn't respect your request for space. I would block him if I were you. It is clear that you are hurting, and he won't leave you alone. No need to respond to the email. That email is more about him than you.

 

I did wonder about the email and the wording of it. It can be interpreted in so many different ways.

 

The time he contacted before that I waited a few days to reply (which I had never done before with him during our time 'together') and I think that sent the message I wasn't going to pander to him and reply instantly. He had just asked how I was and reminded me to get in touch if I needed anything.

 

What struck me anout the email was the complete lack of mentioning being friends or anything like that. But also there was this admission of "respecting our agreement" which I assume he meant me asking for space, so maybe he just didn't know what he could/couldn't say.

 

Part of me thought I have to try and appreciate he reached out to apologise.

 

I'm just so confused, it's hard to get it out of my head

[Toodaloo]

I did wonder about the email and the wording of it. It can be interpreted in so many different ways.

 

The time he contacted before that I waited a few days to reply (which I had never done before with him during our time 'together') and I think that sent the message I wasn't going to pander to him and reply instantly. He had just asked how I was and reminded me to get in touch if I needed anything.

 

What struck me anout the email was the complete lack of mentioning being friends or anything like that. But also there was this admission of "respecting our agreement" which I assume he meant me asking for space, so maybe he just didn't know what he could/couldn't say.

 

Part of me thought I have to try and appreciate he reached out to apologise.

 

I'm just so confused, it's hard to get it out of my head

 

Black cats...

[hippychick3]

Of course! I don't believe I haven't taken advice and I've responded to each and every point with gratitude. But it seems to be prolific users of this forum can actually come across quite rude and harsh, and not consider the nuances of the situation described. I don't think people should be berated like fools if they have a different approach. It's not completely unheard of for people to remain on good terms with an ex eventually so this blanket approach of "do not contact them ever" sometimes feels a little misguided. I am not enemies with this person, and crucially, they were not in a relationship with me so technically are not even an ex. This isn't about game playing, or trying to "win"'someone back. I'm just trying to figure out how to respectfully and healthily move on whilst admitting I am immensely struggling.

 

I think the only way to move on, as others have already said, is to just cut off contact with him. You're not in the emotional state yet to be friends. There are too many feelings on your end that are not reciprocated. The only way you can be friends without getting hurt is to be completely okay with him dating others...a lot of time has to pass for that to happen.

 

There is really nothing to respond to. His email does not require any response. You need to cut contact so you can HEAL. You don't owe him anything.

[tangowhiskey]

Black cats...

 

Haah what does this mean? I genuinely don't know!

[Nightwriter]

I have to admit, what the OP wrote is confusing.

 

You were not technically in a relationship? What was the arrangement?

 

What does needing space mean? Did one or both of you have intentions to get back together? Did you have an agreement on the duration and who was going to re-initiate contact?

 

Many people don't like to have the "where are we at and where are we going" talk, but if things are fuzzy, both parties get confused.

 

When you are in the throes of a breakup, everything is super confusing and your emotions are all over the place. There's often no short cut to going through it. But you can learn a lot from this relationship and have better defined terms for future relationships.

[Toodaloo]

Haah what does this mean? I genuinely don't know!

 

If I told you not to think about black cats. That under no circumstances were you to imagine or discuss or think about black cats. That black cats are the key to resolving the issue but that you absolutely must not think about them...

 

You would start thinking about black cats. Because its how the human mind works...

 

Its also diverted your thinking away from the email he sent you to black cats... so that is what you do. Distract yourself until you don't have to.

 

Every time you think about your ex imagine him sat on the loo with diarrhea, complete with him pulling a face and really think hard about that smell. Imagine it so hard you can taste it. Hear those sploshing sounds as it hits and hear his grunts and groans...

 

Pretty sure black cats are;

a. better luck when they cross your path and

b. a more pleasant vision to have stuck in your mind than someone doing a number 2

 

So black cats...

[tangowhiskey]

If I told you not to think about black cats. That under no circumstances were you to imagine or discuss or think about black cats. That black cats are the key to resolving the issue but that you absolutely must not think about them...

 

You would start thinking about black cats. Because its how the human mind works...

 

Its also diverted your thinking away from the email he sent you to black cats... so that is what you do. Distract yourself until you don't have to.

 

Every time you think about your ex imagine him sat on the loo with diarrhea, complete with him pulling a face and really think hard about that smell. Imagine it so hard you can taste it. Hear those sploshing sounds as it hits and hear his grunts and groans...

 

Pretty sure black cats are;

a. better luck when they cross your path and

b. a more pleasant vision to have stuck in your mind than someone doing a number 2

 

So black cats...

 

Hahaha! This just might work!

[tangowhiskey]

I have to admit, what the OP wrote is confusing.

 

You were not technically in a relationship? What was the arrangement?

 

What does needing space mean? Did one or both of you have intentions to get back together? Did you have an agreement on the duration and who was going to re-initiate contact?

 

Many people don't like to have the "where are we at and where are we going" talk, but if things are fuzzy, both parties get confused.

 

When you are in the throes of a breakup, everything is super confusing and your emotions are all over the place. There's often no short cut to going through it. But you can learn a lot from this relationship and have better defined terms for future relationships.

 

Yes; I was confused too. We were never officially together and in fact he would refer to me as a friend. But we had sex, a lot, spent a LOT of time together (and I mean a lot) and everything was just confused and blurred. I admitted a few months ago I had fallen for them and they said they didn't feel the same and couldn't commit to a relationship because they sensed incompatilities between us. He then made a point of saying we had to stop all physical stuff - but we didn't. And I was complicit in that, much to my detriment. Eventually though I realised everything was on their terms and it was a case of having their cake and eating it. I asked for space because we had met uk and discussed just being friends and I realised I couldn't deny my feelings/attraction to them would make me find it hard. So I asked for time and space with a view of being friends in the future.

 

The last message from them in response to me saying I needed space was "I understand and respect your decision. I'm not going anywhere so if you need me for anything, even if just a chat, don't be a stranger. I really hope you're ok and we can get back to being friends sooner rather than later".

 

The email came about five weeks after this.

[tangowhiskey]

I suppose the stupid thing was me sending the "happy birthday" mesaage. I regret it now especially since they didn't really seem to appreciate it.

[Frozensushi]

I really hope you're ok and we can get back to being friends sooner rather than later

 

Maybe he meant "I hope you're okay and I can get back to having my cake and eating it too sooner than later"

 

So were you two 'official' FWB? Did you ever talk about it with him, like what the boundaries were or any of that?

[tangowhiskey]

Maybe he meant "I hope you're okay and I can get back to having my cake and eating it too sooner than later"

 

So were you two 'official' FWB? Did you ever talk about it with him, like what the boundaries were or any of that?

 

Sadly not really. It came up a lot, in a roundabout way. Sometimes drunkenly etc. I think he was in denial about what was going on if I am honest. I have never been in a "fwb" scenario and always knew it would hurt me. But I was just unable to see how damaging it was I guess. We spent whole weekends together, and always spent the entire night together. Never met just for sex. We would have great conversation and a really natural rapport. I don't connect with people easily so for me it felt amazing. There was also a very strong physical attraction. When I admitted I had fallen for them and had feelings he basically said he had his guard up because he sensed we'd be incompatible - but never really mentioned why. I would occasionally get upset and angry at his behaviour and call him out on it - and this is what he's apologising for in the email.

 

It'll always be a really confusing and sad situation for me to remember. My first real experience of unrequited love.

[Frozensushi]

It'll always be a really confusing and sad situation for me to remember. My first real experience of unrequited love.

 

That's the problem with FWB, given a long enough timeline, one of the two will eventually start to grow feelings for the other. Hey, it could be worse.

 

I dated a girl who actually got pregnant by her FWB and had the baby. He turned out to be a real loser in the end. Of course, he didn't want to be with her. Needless to say, her choice to keep the baby and be a single mother didn't bode well for her mental or financial stability in life.

 

So, you see it could be a lot worse. I think you need to walk away from this and not look back. Any kind of relationship with this guy seems unhealthy for you. So black cats...

[tangowhiskey]

I suppose the worst thing is genuinely feeling like I've lost a friend too. And I suppose my mindset was always trying, if possible, to save that.

[Toodaloo]

I suppose the worst thing is genuinely feeling like I've lost a friend too. And I suppose my mindset was always trying, if possible, to save that.

 

I am a whole lot older than you guys... I can tell you now that in life we don't have millions of friends. We only have a handful. Friends come and go. They become acquaintances, people that we used to know...I have one friend from college that I am still in close contact with, I have a friend that lives closer that I met through voluntary work and we remained close over the years. People like that are very rare... Very rare indeed.

 

You will meet more people as you go through Uni, work, clubs, sports etc... You meet people as you go along and then others fade out naturally.

 

Its just the way of the world. Don't worry. True friends are always there. If you have been romantic with them then it is unusual for them to stay true friends...

[tangowhiskey]

But this is why it is so difficult. I really do not have many friends at all, and we connected in such a way that he felt like a best friend also. I spent more time with him than I have for anyone else my whole life. Its been very hard getting over that loss, almost separately from the loss of the romantic/sexual side.

[hippychick3]

But this is why it is so difficult. I really do not have many friends at all, and we connected in such a way that he felt like a best friend also. I spent more time with him than I have for anyone else my whole life. Its been very hard getting over that loss, almost separately from the loss of the romantic/sexual side.

 

The pain of remaining friends with someone who can't reciprocate your love will outweigh any of the benefits of keeping him as your friend.