How soon did you know they were "the one"?

[Anderlie]

I'm sorry for your loss and commend you for your strength in handling it.

 

One boring old tip I have is to google lists like '15 things to ask become moving in together' or 'questions to ask to see if you're compatible' or things like that. Not to be insensitive at this time but you will want to do that as you start talking about how your role will look as a potential step mother or mother and how you see a blended family working. Heck even take the quiz to find out if your love languages match. You might not be there yet but asking these questions can lead to really illuminating discussions that will help you make sure you're on the same page about your future together. Just stay away from quizzes by Cosmo!

[dichotomy]

I could turn it around and ask "how do you know YOU are the ONE for him?"

 

I have messed up choosing in both my marriages. I thought I had the right one, and I was wrong. However I have remained committed in my second marriage despite some advice not to.

 

I think of a couple of things - one is I made alot of assumptions - "well of course she believes like I do" but you never make assumptions. You have to ask some deep question from a possible mate. Beliefs on money, sex, religion, cheating, parenting, home care, everything needs to be discussed. What is love to him ? what is love to you? What would you consider unloving behavior ? What would he? How much or little sex would be an issue ? Who takes care of kids and how ? What is cheating or an affair to you? what do you never want him to change? What does he never want to change from you? etc...

 

I think it also comes down to enjoying pleasing and caring for your partners needs - often ahead of your own sometimes. Will they have your back, will they sometimes put aside their own issues to help you? Do they have you back, will the sacrifice and compromise - will you?

 

Its a tough thing to choose.

Edited November 8, 2016 by dichotomy

[BaileyB]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

 

I have been on both sides of this coin... As an adult, I have had a relationship forced on me very shortly after my mother passed away. The woman is lovely, her family is lovely, but because my father pushed the relationship on us before we had the time we needed to grieve my mom, it took longer to accept the new relationship. In fact, it just about ended mine and my brothers relationship with my father. It's been five years now and things are much better, but it could have gone so much more smoothly...

 

I'm also now, in the opposite role. I just recently met my boyfriend's son and things have been going very well. The key word is slow... We told him about our relationship and waited a few months to meet. We waited a few more weeks before getting together again. We've been meeting to do fun stuff together. No pressure - we are really letting him get used to the idea and essentially, come to us. I'm sure it's different if the kids are younger, but I think the key word is slow...

 

And, the kids always come first. They still need time alone with their respective parent. They still need to have a relationship with that parent, that is separate from their relationship with you. In time, that may change a little... But I think it's so much easier for the kids to accept someone new into their life if they have a healthy and secure relationship with their parent. Good luck to you!

[Mr. Lucky]

His weekends have always been total kid time, which I'm fine with (it's actually really sweet to me), but I guess I'll be getting included bit by bit. Advice?

 

Understand your place. They're his kids, his priority and his responsibility. There will be areas where you'll always be second in line, accept that going in.

 

Be kind, avoid drama ...

 

Mr. Lucky