Mateguarding - When does it end? [update: What to make of this?]

[howtoproceed]

So my wife cheated on me and D-Day was about 18 mnths ago.

Long story short, I can't get past the hyper-vigilance.

I'm ALWAYS worried about where she, how she is talking to, when she's on the phone or computer and it's just exhausting me.

 

Today for example, she had an appointment with a dentist that she told me about and that she would be leaving work early and may be late back home. I immediately panicked and grilled her and put the VAR back in her car. I also, just 5 minutes ago, called her dentist's office to make sure she was there. Of course, the receptionist said she was getting her teeth cleaned. Now I know when she gets home she'll be angry.

 

So how long does this phase last? The mind-movies and flashbacks and obsession with the other man have all faded to just about nothing but this mate-guarding doesn't end.

 

And the resentment too - I'm still really really really ( and I mean REALLY) resentful. When does that end?

[central]

This can take years, but will depend partly on what she has done and is doing to reassure you, how honest she's been, and how transparent. Reconciliation is long and hard - you have to both really want it and work at it. Only you can decide if she's doing enough, and if the end result will be worth the time and effort.

[mikeylo]

It may never end. After a couple of years it might well be forgotten , provided she is being transparent and patient with you or you yourself will end the marriage as you will find it emotionally draining especially when she begins to expect you to get over it.

 

Cheaters usually expect the other to get over asap but doesnt happen that way.

[road]

Recovery is a two to five year process.

 

 

What has your WW done to repair the damage?

 

 

Has she answered all of your questions?

 

 

Is there 100% NC?

 

 

If the OM is a coworker do they both still work there?

 

 

How close to you does the OM live?

 

 

Example if WW has used FB to contact the OM has she shut down FB?

 

 

Has WW changed email, phone number, blocked OM on all electronic means, given you access to all of her accounts and passwords?

 

 

Does WW let you know where she will be, is, at all times?

 

 

Does WW have a job that takes her away on trips?

 

 

 

 

It is to soon for you to not have safeguards in place. That means GPS on phone and car. Knowing where her car is dos not mean a WW has not left work to be with the OM. Hide a Key logger on the PC.

 

 

This way whenever your fears get the best of you can quickly check and feel safe again.

 

 

Normal for a BH to get triggered. With time the triggers will happen less and pass quicker.

[lolablue17]

It may never go away. You can look at it as a chronic disease. Sometimes you get a partial remission, but it's always there, and sometimes there're flare ups. Each flare can take a week or few months. It is probably for life, or at least until she's 55-60.

[howtoproceed]

@Road

 

What has your WW done to repair the damage?

 

Nothing really except put up with my constant surveillance.

She has turned over all her login and passwords to FB, hotmail, gmail but not her phone. However, whenever I ask she'll unlock it for me and I have spent hours pouring over it.

 

 

Has she answered all of your questions?

 

No she really hasn't and at first when i was obsessing about the OM it really bothered me but she would not give me details. I discovered who he was and about the affair after it ended. It was actually the OM wife that discovered it and shut down the affair. I only found out about it much later and by accident.

 

 

Is there 100% NC?

 

Yes - I'm sure of that.

 

How close to you does the OM live?

 

I'm 100% certain this guy is no longer in the picture.

 

 

Does WW let you know where she will be, is, at all times?

 

Yes she does and she even takes our kids with her whenever possible.

 

 

Does WW have a job that takes her away on trips?

 

No but she does work and I have no way of checking up on her. I did drop by one time and it just felt awkward.

[howtoproceed]

@lolablue17

 

It may never go away. You can look at it as a chronic disease. Sometimes you get a partial remission, but it's always there, and sometimes there're flare ups. Each flare can take a week or few months. It is probably for life, or at least until she's 55-60.

 

It feels like a chronic disease and I do have really bad times, which come out of the blue.

 

When she is 55 - 60 - wow! So I'm not the only one who thinks like that. Its exactly what I was thinking. I'll feel "safe" only when she's too old to matter.

 

What if I just leave?

I was able to recover from my divorce to my first wife in just a few years. She's 43 so I have to wait like 12 years minimum? I 'm starting to think it's just not worth it.

[SammySammy]

Until you have the combination of the following that suits you:

 

1. You trust her again.
   
2. You trust yourself to respond appropriately if she strays again.
   
3. You've regained your self-respect and dignity.
   
4. You've fully forgiven her.
   

Until then, you'll probably always be uncomfortable.

[howtoproceed]

You've regained your self-respect and dignity.

 

I'd say this is impossible so long as I'm hyper-vigilant.

In fact there was a thread about this on another website and the general consensus was that men who "mate-guard" are all beta types.

 

I never thought of myself as beta until I read that.

[road]

You need to get pass word to WW phone.

 

 

Also full access for the phone company to provide you will call history, texts, emails by online.

[Friskyone4u]

Not knowing the details of your D Day and her affair, makes it harder to give specific advice, but if you do not have

(1) verifiable proof others than her word that she is NC with OM

(2) total transparency to her electronic devices, ( which she should be volunteering)

(3) committment and actions to help you heal

(4) total truth about the affair

 

Then your hyper vigilance is well warranted . From what you posted it is very hard to determone if she is doing anything but getting pisdsed that you need verification of where she is and with who.

 

Understand this, like you have been told eighteen months is not the end of this for her, and she caused it. Her attitude should NOT be that she is being punished. She brought this on with HER behavior and she should be spending every minute trying to help you heal, not getting pissed at you. Its called a consequence of cheating.

 

If you do some reading, I think you will find that WW who resist the total transparency, break NC, and do not quickly go all in to try to save their marriage are much more likely to cheat again or resume the affair.

 

And if you are trying to "nice her back" that is a losing game my friend

[howtoproceed]

You need to get pass word to WW phone.

 

Well, I just demanded the pass word to her phone and I showed her (or tried to show her) the advice that we need total transparency and it just ended in a big argument - a huge screaming fight actually.

 

Now, during this screaming fight, I said what are you trying to hide? And she said: "Ok, I'm looking to have another affair." So this is a totally new issue.

 

What do you think? Did she say that in the heat of the screaming fight or was it a spontaneous admission?

[bubbaganoosh]

So my wife cheated on me and D-Day was about 18 mnths ago.

Long story short, I can't get past the hyper-vigilance.

I'm ALWAYS worried about where she, how she is talking to, when she's on the phone or computer and it's just exhausting me.

 

And the resentment too - I'm still really really really ( and I mean REALLY) resentful. When does that end?

 

What you just said up there^^^^^ Where she is, who is she talking to, is she where she says she is, is the reason why I say, if you cheat your gone.

 

If I cheated I would expect the same. To have to live your life always looking over your shoulder wondering is no way to live and in my humble opinion, I would rather be divorced and on my own rather then living a paranoid life.

[SammySammy]

I'd say this is impossible so long as I'm hyper-vigilant.

In fact there was a thread about this on another website and the general consensus was that men who "mate-guard" are all beta types.

 

I never thought of myself as beta until I read that.

 

I can see their point.

 

I think we need to make a distinction between what someone does and how it affects us. We can't control what they do, but we can control what we do. Our response.

 

A woman having sex with someone else while she is committed to me is a reflection of who she is. It does not diminish me in any way. It's just a signal that I need to make some decisions about our relationship. That, I can control.

 

The problem in your relationship is not really the vigilance, but that trust and respect was broken. Being vigilant is good, and necessary, in your situation, but don't let it consume you. Sometimes, for our own peace of mind, it may be a good idea to give people the benefit of doubt. Free yourself, until she proves to be untrustworthy and disrespectful again, then make the appropriate decision from there.

 

Control what you can control and don't worry about the rest.

 

ETA:

 

This is an why I'm so adamant about not tolerating untrustworthiness and disrespect in a relationship. It has a tendency to spread and ultimately destroy the relationship. But, that's another topic for another day.

[Friskyone4u]

How To,

 

What you wife has just told you, regardless of the argument, is that she expects to you rugsweep this and put it behind you, and that she retains the right in her mind to have enough privacy and control to either restart the affair or have another one if she chooses. And basically you are supposed to be so glad she is around that you should just eat the **** sandwich.

 

There is no book you can buy from any qualified person that will tell you refusing transparency on the part of the cheater is acceptable. And you are entitled to feel how you feel and do not need to be told that since there is nothing you can do to stop her just HOPE for the best . That just invites another D Day.

 

No you cannot control her but you sufre as hell can insist on a relationship where it will be a hell of a lot harder for her to do this to you again. And the worst part of her response is that she feels oppressed and victimized because you are not just "trusting" her. That would be totally STUPID .

 

Your wife is not remorseful at all. She most likely is perfectly willing to divorce you rather than facing any consequences. If you rerad any of these threads on successful reconciliation, REFUSAL to be accountable is not included in the story.

 

It appears that since she flew off the handle and ended the discussion that you are playing Mr. Nice Guy. That is a book maybe you should read.

 

You need to be dictating to her what your expectations are, what you will or will not tolerate, and getting yourself prepared for upping the ante ( yes an attorney visit) should he refuse to do anything but insist you just give her whatever space she wants.

[mizunomead]

In light of what she said. I would say that she not love or respect you. And I would be heading to a lawyers office.

[road]

OP, you need to clearly, calmly, firmly, state all the things that you need for recovery.

 

 

NC

 

 

Full ability to verify NC-all passwords all accounts all devices

 

 

Full truth about the affair- names of people that knew and did not tell you, all of those that aided her in the affair, all those that supported her affair. Once she names all you then announce that there must be NC with them for they betrayed you and their actions are not the actions of people that are friends to the marriage but friends to the affair.

 

 

Her outburst about going to cheat again was her attacking you because she had no justified response to your requests post affair.

[howtoproceed]

@Road

 

Full ability to verify NC-all passwords all accounts all devices

 

 

Full truth about the affair- names of people that knew and did not tell you, all of those that aided her in the affair, all those that supported her affair. Once she names all you then announce that there must be NC with them for they betrayed you and their actions are not the actions of people that are friends to the marriage but friends to the affair.

 

I don't see her turning over the password to her phone. The fight yesterday all started because she is now angry that I keep demanding to see her phone. She said it has to change and she feels like a prisoner. She definitely won't be telling me names of people who knew about the affair. I still don't have an accurate timeline of how it started, when they first met - all my information is what I discovered by accident and what the OM's wife told me.

 

It was a hard night last night and her position is that I'm sick and need help. She's gaslighting me. I agreed to see someone if she came along and she said, you go first and then we can go together.

 

Anyway, this morning after an exhausting night for both of us, we were down stairs talking and she opens her purse and pulls out a pair of her panties. I was just too tired to fight about it except to ask - how did they get in there? She had no explanation and I could tell was getting irritated by it.

 

I know she was at the dentist and I'm sure after her teeth-cleaning, she paid by credit card so she must have gone into her purse for that. They couldn't have gotten in there at that time. Then she came home and went to the gym. I waited 15 minutes and went to the gym and did find her car, so she was at the gym like she said. I guess it's possible that after her workout, she inadvertently put her panties in her purse by mistake but wtf? She brought her gym bag with her.

 

It just seems like one thing after another.

[Friskyone4u]

And it will continue to be one thing after the other until you say it ends.

 

You know what she is doing to you ( gaslighting you) and now she is telling you to go get help while she does what she wants.

 

So basically you are in limbo and will stay there. Because she is dictating how you exist despite what she has done, and may bne still doing. Now who the hell takes a gym bag to the gym and stuffs their panties in their purse. And by the way there are semen kits you can buy if you stay quiet and take those panties after she dumps them in her closet or hamper.

 

You are getting nothing but more **** sandwich. Only you can stop eating it.

[howtoproceed]

@

 

Now who the hell takes a gym bag to the gym and stuffs their panties in their purse.

 

Exactly what I had wanted to say but after a long of fighting, a long day of work ahead - I just didn't have the energy.

 

One new phrase she used last night was "maybe we should take a break" whatever that means.

[Grapesofwrath]

@

 

Exactly what I had wanted to say but after a long of fighting, a long day of work ahead - I just didn't have the energy.

 

One new phrase she used last night was "maybe we should take a break" whatever that means.

 

How: I am very sorry to hear you are going through this. Your hypervigilance is warranted, given all you've shared. Your gut is telling you that she is not making changes to regain your trust, and her actions seem to support that. She is not being transparent. She is unwilling to seek IC or MC. She meets your pain with anger. She blameshifts on to you. She resents you for having your feelings and is chafing against making changes that would help you feel better. If she was not still cheating, she would welcome the opportunity to be transparent and regain your trust.

 

I think her remark about taking a break means she is suggesting separation. My advise is to consult with an attorney and then take action toward giving her, and yourself, that separation. This is not a healthy situation for you, or your kids.

 

p.s. Women over the age of 55 matter. (And they have affairs.) In one of your earlier posts you said that you should wait until she is 55-60 and "doesn't matter" anymore. Surely you did not mean to imply that post-menopausal women do not matter. You are going through a lot right now, but please be mindful about the sexist, ageist, misogynist swipes.

[howtoproceed]

@Grapesofwrath

 

Surely you did not mean to imply that post-menopausal women do not matter. You are going through a lot right now, but please be mindful about the sexist, ageist, misogynist swipes.

 

Not meant to be rude at all and I actually did think that phrase didn't sound right. What I meant was, a 55 - 60 year old woman is less likely to have a PA than a 35 - 45 year old woman. Plus in my case, when she's 60, I'll be 73 and hopefully over it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am a fww and my affair was almost 34years ago.

 

I immediately became completely transparent to my husband. I wanted to rebuild trust.

 

If your wife is not willing to give you complete transparency.. passwords to all accounts.. itinerary of her complete schedule everyday.. including phone calls while you are at those destinations. Even pictures of herself at those places... than she is making a statement to you.

 

Have you both read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald?

 

If not I recommend you both do so... and discuss it. It is free online and is very short.. but it contains step by step advice on how to achieve reconciliation.

 

Transparency is a very important step in healing... if she is not willing to be totally and completely transparent to you ... then she is withholding a very basic element of rebuilding your trust.

[BTDT2012]

it doesn't sound like your wife has done the work to make herself a safe partner for you. I think you should seek IC, not to put things together, but gain strength and clarity for yourself. And talk to an attorney. Being the marriage police is exhausting.

[Bittersweetie]

My BH was very vigilant for about six months after d-day. Then he made the decision that he did not want to live like that. I was going to make my choices regardless of how vigilant he was being. So he stopped monitoring.

 

Up until this point, and even afterward without him asking, I was transparent. He could look at any of my stuff he wanted. I told him where I was and when I got there and even texted silly pictures. I had to slowly rebuild his trust in me and I decided to continue to do it even though he didn't ask.

 

OP, I agree with Road in that you need to ask for what you need. My BH asked me for things (transparency, NC, etc). I did what he asked as well as more. I knew I wanted to be with my H so I needed to do all I could to make him feel safe. If your WW is resisting actions that you need at this point, that is a red flag.

 

We are together, almost seven years after d-day. I still share with him where I am going and stuff, not to be monitored, but because he's my best friend and I share with him. He occasionally triggers if I'm unable to answer my phone...there was one incident where my phone was shut off during the A. I know and understand this, so when it happens I always try to call back or text as soon as I can. I don't want him to worry or be upset.

 

Even now my H has my phone password. I really don't care...he can look at what he wants. I would be leery of a WS who is not agreeing to total transparency.

Edited September 21, 2016 by Bittersweetie