Mateguarding - When does it end? [update: What to make of this?]

[Grapesofwrath]

@merrmeade

 

Are you kidding with that list?

I can't honestly say she does any of those thing.

 

What she does is hold my hand, kiss me goodbye, kiss me goodnight, hold me while we sleep, give me sex. The affair is a closed topic. Asking things like, can I see your phone makes her angry.

 

Consensus wise, affair or not, I just don't get why we would have this kind of secret. Even if she never cheated, why?

 

Its another sleepless night and she's sleeping like a baby.

 

And I'm starting to drink too much wine.

 

How: Do consider that, while she may or may not still be cheating, she is definitely not doing what it takes to reconcile. This could be the case for a variety of reasons: Still cheating, afraid to deal with consequences, lack of accountability, shame. She may not want to talk about the affair because SHE doesn't like the way it makes HER feel.

 

Whatever the reason, she is putting herself before you. All the time. Don't put a lot of stock in the physical affection she shows you. It's nice, but it's not the issue. She probably did all of that while she was in the affair, too. It's just who she is. She can sleep like a baby even though her actions during the day are destroying you. Some people are like that. Do you want to be married to one?

[Cephalopod]

Man.... how long are you going to let this crap go on?

[Friskyone4u]

How To,

 

Thats the problem.

 

She is crapping all over you, still cheating, and you are lying in bed next to her drinking wine waiting for the next sex romp. She has you trained.

 

So once again, she is cake eating. She gives you those things as a price to pay for the ability to have her open marriage, and you are tolerating it.

 

There is nothing written by anyone with an IQ in double digits that you can buy that will tell you differently that what EVERYONE is telling you here. And the way you laughed off the list of things she should be doing as a joke because she is doing none of it is excactly the reason you are sipping wine unable to sleep while she is calm as a baby. You are doing it to yourself.

 

So forget the phone. Let me guess. She does not account for her whereabouts, she probably goes out to GNO without you whenever she wants to, and your job is to be home and make her comfortable so she will throw sex at you periodically.

 

Buy yourself a big supply of wine. You are going to ber drinking yourself into oblivion if you do not wake up and read the list Merremeade I think sent you and DEMAND IT OR HAND HER DIVORCE PAPERS. .

[Regretful one]

I have not read every post but from my perspective - as a man who betrayed his wife and confessed two months ago. I plan to work my ass off for the rest of my life to earn my wife's trust back (if she will let me - we are currently separated). I certainly don't expect her to simply trust me because I tell her she should or because I try to take my kids with me when Im out and about.

 

Before we separated I would leave my phone (permanently unlocked) laying around for her access when she wanted to look at it which she did. When Id see her looking through my phone I would not even think of getting upset. I betrayed her and I no longer have privacy rights - I lost that right the moment I made my terrible choices. IF your wife respects you and is remorseful for her poor choices she should do whatever it takes to prove to YOU that she can be trusted even if it takes the rest of her life.

[DKT3]

Sorry to say but it appears your marriage is a broken tv, waiting to be unplugged and carried out to the trash.

 

Why subject yourself to this, she is clearly doing things that are inappropriate then putting on a show when you're around. Save yourself bro, before you ruin your life.

[merrmeade]

How: Do consider that, while she may or may not still be cheating, she is definitely not doing what it takes to reconcile. This could be the case for a variety of reasons: Still cheating, afraid to deal with consequences, lack of accountability, shame. She may not want to talk about the affair because SHE doesn't like the way it makes HER feel.

 

Whatever the reason, she is putting herself before you. All the time. Don't put a lot of stock in the physical affection she shows you. It's nice, but it's not the issue. She probably did all of that while she was in the affair, too. It's just who she is. She can sleep like a baby even though her actions during the day are destroying you. Some people are like that. Do you want to be married to one?

Do you get it now? This is it, OP, this is it.

 

But do not dismiss that list. I maybe got half of them but the little you're getting is NOT fair to you.

[dreamingoftigers]

@merrmeade

 

Are you kidding with that list?

I can't honestly say she does any of those thing.

 

What she does is hold my hand, kiss me goodbye, kiss me goodnight, hold me while we sleep, give me sex. The affair is a closed topic. Asking things like, can I see your phone makes her angry.

 

Consensus wise, affair or not, I just don't get why we would have this kind of secret. Even if she never cheated, why?

 

Its another sleepless night and she's sleeping like a baby.

 

And I'm starting to drink too much wine.

 

Wow, you get kisses and sex

 

That's more than I get.

 

And guess what, right years later things look pretty much the same.

 

Get out now, it's all bullshyte.

 

She won't leave you, until she lines up something better. But right now she likes the convenience. And you asking for verification and safety from her is just very very 'inconvenient right now.'

 

Either leave or sign up for a lifetime of being "inconvenient."

 

I can assure you "the time will never be right" for you to need love, safety and reassurance

[merrmeade]

It helped me to try and get inside his head (not that he helped me do that; it just wasn't that hard). I had to understand how he felt and why he could do some things (on the list) and not others. It creates a kind of verisimilitude for you so that everything fits together and makes sense. It also enables you to anticipate what may never change and decide if you're okay with that.

 

My problem for you is that your wife is SO freaking arrogant and self-righteous about her position. She puts all the 'problem' on you. I mean, my H did that to some extent but I never let that lie. Oooooh, no... I made sure he understood my 'problem' (depression in my case) was solely on his shoulders. I was never like that before (more like a human rubber ducky but never again). Thing was he knew he should be free and open with every, every, everything but it was like someone was stabbing him in the gut the whole time. Or his inability to fully empathize.

 

But your wife doesn't even appreciate the need or feel she owes you anything! This is so not okay for you. Don't you get that?? It's going to destroy you and you're the only one that can do anything about it. And if you do start acting out of self-interest and self-respect, it's the only, ONLY way she'll even possibly begin to come around. Possibly. But don't do it because of that. She may be too rigid.

[S2B]

When she realizes that you just don't care - that when she will start trying. That's also when you get your power back.

 

Make no effort to care one way or another... Be neutral.

 

It scares the crap out of them that you don't care anymore. It's scares them even more if you cut off their money and their place to live too. Kind of kick starts them into action... Or makes it obvious they intend to divorce you anyway.

[S2B]

You can't nice someone into being faithful. It just doesn't work!

 

She is WAY too comfortable. People don't ever change when they are comfortable! There's no motivation for them to change.

 

Start making sure she is blatantly UNCOMFORTABLE!!! No house! No money! No visits! Tell all her friends and family!

 

Make sure she is exposed. Make sure she's scrambling for security. Do not give in and make her comfortable!

 

Get mean. You need to be mean if you're going to be effective! Anything less and you're just begging her to abuse you more.

[oldshirt]

@merrmeade

 

Are you kidding with that list?

I can't honestly say she does any of those thing.

 

What she does is hold my hand, kiss me goodbye, kiss me goodnight, hold me while we sleep, give me sex. The affair is a closed topic. Asking things like, can I see your phone makes her angry.

 

.

 

A reconciliation is a reconstruction project. It is building something back up using materials available. Lets use an analogy of building a house out of a pile of materials (ie boards, siding, roofing, concrete etc) that are just laying in a big pile at the job site.

 

Lets take that list of what needs to occur to save a marriage and lets apply it to building a house.

 

In order to build a house certain things must be done in sequence for the house to get off the ground and remain standing.

 

- the site must be prepared and the foundation dug.

 

- the foundation must be poured

 

-The fraiming secured to the foundation.

 

- the roof secured to the fraiming. etc etc etc

 

Now lets say that you are given this list but you say, " My contractor is not doing ANY of those things, but rather he is coming to the job site and having coffee and telling jokes and stories with the work crew and taking out his golf clubs and working on his swing. And any time I ask him to dig the foundation or nail a couple boards together, he gets angry..."

 

If this were the case with a construction job, would the house ever get built and would it ever be able to do the things a house is supposed to do?

 

No, it's still just a pile of materials laying on the ground. Those materials really have no value if they are simply "there." They must be constructed into a house plan in order for that pile of materials to be considered a house.

 

The same is true with your wife and marriage. Holding hands, kissing, sex etc etc are simply some of the raw materials that make up a relationship and marriage. But unless they are used as part of a construction plan that is a bigger picture than some physical pleasure, it is not a home and marriage.

 

this is nothing more than raw materials laying in a pile on the ground.

[oldshirt]

Its another sleepless night and she's sleeping like a baby.

 

And I'm starting to drink too much wine.

 

This means that this relationship is toxic and is harming you.

[S2B]

The mate guarding ends when you stop putting effort into checking up on her.

 

Wasted energy when she's not doing her part in it. SHE should be doing 200% and you should be seeing changes that show her efforts to change things.

 

But she's not - and it looks like you're doing your part AND her part.

 

It's one sided... That's why it looks like she's still cheating and you're left checking up on her.

 

Don't waste your time and energy. She's not all in - heck, she's not even in 10%.

[merrmeade]

@merrmeade

 

Are you kidding with that list?

I can't honestly say she does any of those thing.

 

What she does is hold my hand, kiss me goodbye, kiss me goodnight, hold me while we sleep, give me sex. The affair is a closed topic. Asking things like, can I see your phone makes her angry.

 

Consensus wise, affair or not, I just don't get why we would have this kind of secret. Even if she never cheated, why?

 

Its another sleepless night and she's sleeping like a baby.

 

And I'm starting to drink too much wine.

Just to add to everything else being said - As I've mentioned, my husband was NO model WH in R by any stretch of the imagination but, besides never making excuses or comebacks when I wanted to talk about the affair and apologizing a lot, he gave me carte blanche access to everything and still does. (I sometimes still feel like checking, even records during the affair that I realized I never looked at. When I do, they corroborate what I know, so it hasn't changed much so far.)

 

But I just wanted to say to you that for me this lack of transparency and insistence on privacy by your WW after disclosing an affair is the first impossible hurdle to your reconciliation. Second - or maybe they're even - is her assumption that she can be in charge of the agenda for the R - from sex to what you get to know to YOUR need for counseling. (What about hers for pete's sake?)

 

These are huge obstacles to reconciliation, htp, HUGE. Insurmountable in my opinion. It's not reconciliation at all. It's her controlling you.

[harrybrown]

So have you had enough?

 

when are you going to see your attorney and file?

[howtoproceed]

So have you had enough?

 

when are you going to see your attorney and file?

 

Divorce really doesn't make financial sense to me but I am looking for an apartment. I actually talked to mt wife about that and laid out the budget and what I would be willing to do as far as the kids go and guess what - she presented me with the password to her phone. It was anti-climatic and honestly my first thought was, what did she delete.

 

Telling her that I'm leaving did shake her though and that felt good - she actually showed some real emotion.

[BluesPower]

Dude, you need to keep leaving...

 

And please don't look back. Yes, she deleted everything and you know she has. She is in no way remorseful about the affair that she has been having. She just does not want to loose her meal ticket (you are the meal ticket by the way).

 

Don't get back in that crap that you have been in, Please.

 

Move on and live life...

[S2B]

Divorce really doesn't make financial sense to me but I am looking for an apartment. I actually talked to mt wife about that and laid out the budget and what I would be willing to do as far as the kids go and guess what - she presented me with the password to her phone. It was anti-climatic and honestly my first thought was, what did she delete.

 

Telling her that I'm leaving did shake her though and that felt good - she actually showed some real emotion.

 

It's still just not enough.

 

OFFERING full honesty is completely different than serving up crumbs while trying to save your a$$...

 

What do you pay? Is she motivated to stay because you support her lifestyle? If that's the case then cut her off from accessing all money and move her out!

 

Stop making her comfortable while she's screwing you over.

[Jersey born raised]

If I missed this information I apologize.

 

Did you ever speak with OMW? If so when and what was discussed?

 

Is your phone plan a family one where you can see the text age phone logs?

 

How did you discover the adultery?

 

Bye the way don't use the term affair when you disscus this, use adultery. They don't mean the samething. It is the difference between killing someone and cold bloodly murdering them. She murdered her marriage and destroyed you. Until she accepts that you need to divorce and put her out of your life.

[Jersey born raised]

If I missed this information I apologize.

 

Did you ever speak with OMW? If so when and what was discussed?

 

Is your phone plan a family one where you can see the text and phone logs?

 

How did you discover the adultery?

 

Bye the way don't use the term affair when you disscus this, use adultery. They don't mean the samething. It is the difference between killing someone and cold bloodly murdering them. She murdered her marriage and destroyed you. Until she accepts that you need to divorce and put her out of your life

[TrustedthenBusted]

Divorce really doesn't make financial sense to me

 

 

" Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand."

 

 

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: Because it's worth it.

 

I can do this all day.

 

 

 

Come on man. Money is the last reason you should stay with someone. ESPECIALLY someone you no longer trust. Maybe the next stunt she pulls is she drains the accounts on her way out the door.

 

There are reasons to stay and keep trying....but not money. And not if SHE isn't also trying.

[Friskyone4u]

How To,

 

You said it felt good when she got scared enough to show you her phone. Now make yourself feel like a new man and tell her if she wants to stay married to you she will pass a polygraph test to verify that while she had you "locked out" that she had not been still communicating with or having sex with OM.

 

The look on her face and reaction will tell you a lot. My guess is she will resemble Casper The Ghost because she knows she would be a dead duck and caught again

[bubbaganoosh]

Telling her that I'm leaving did shake her though and that felt good - she actually showed some real emotion.

 

Really want to shake her up? You should have told her that the apartment was for her along with the rent and utilities and not for you. Then hit her with divorce papers and let her dance on the hot coals until your satisfied.

[Hobart_Carboys]

@lolablue17

When she is 55 - 60 - wow! So I'm not the only one who thinks like that. Its exactly what I was thinking. I'll feel "safe" only when she's too old to matter. What if I just leave? I 'm starting to think it's just not worth it.

 

Don't be so sure of that slight at old age that you made: "when she's too old to matter." I divorced my wife who I realized would never be different, never emotionally intimate, never sweet, never actually love or enjoy me. I'm with a woman 70 years old (too old to matter?) who is more loving sweet sexually open, exciting, available, and orgasmic and who adores me and laughs is capable of fun. You cannot trust your wife because she is not pleasing you. For whatever reason, you are not happy so stop. Dump your wife and start living.

[Hobart_Carboys]

I'd say this is impossible so long as I'm hyper-vigilant. In fact there was a thread about this on another website and the general consensus was that men who "mate-guard" are all beta types. I never thought of myself as beta until I read that.

 

Indeed. My sex life with my wife was vicarious. When I thought she was sneaking around (because she flirted openly and would not stop) I imagined her sex life with other men, and after I fell out of love with her but before I dumped her, enjoyed the pretty pictures of her having sneaky sex with other men--until I realized that I was trying to enjoy receiving the crumbs instead of the full cake every day. Spying on her had become my sex life because she herself had deprived me and given me secrets and lies to trail after. Marriage without openness and emotional and sexual fulfillment is perverted. Get a divorce.