Mateguarding - When does it end? [update: What to make of this?]

[SoleMate]

Maybe the chiropractor really did agree to stay late for your w, unbeknownst to his receptionist....because he's giving your wife an adjustment of her subluxations in the genital region.

[SoleMate]

I totally understand walking out on your wife.....that's the right decision and long overdue.

 

But walking out on your daughters? That's a mistake, kindly rethink that. Their best interests should be your #1 priority and they need you as their father. I hope you won't let your own pain and turmoil blind you to your parental duties and your daughters' needs.

[dreamingoftigers]

I totally understand walking out on your wife.....that's the right decision and long overdue.

 

But walking out on your daughters? That's a mistake, kindly rethink that. Their best interests should be your #1 priority and they need you as their father. I hope you won't let your own pain and turmoil blind you to your parental duties and your daughters' needs.

 

Have you seen a lawyer about what this will do to your custody?

[oldshirt]

It's fine to divorce her but you still have minor children that you are responsible for.

 

She is not threatening to kill you in your sleep so there is no rush here and no reason to not be thorough and methodical.

 

Hire an attorney and sit down with him/her and work out a step by step divorce and coparenting plan before you take any definitive actions.

[howtoproceed]

I understand the obligations of a father and for the past 18 months, that has been one of the things I have been telling myself - stay for the daughters. But this literally driving me to despair and I mean in a literal sense. I'm not really any good for my daughters like this plus now she has them lying to me. I don't want to stick around here because my gut tells me, she has a new love interest and if I see it, it will make things worse.

 

As far as my daughters, short term I need to get a job and start paying support based on that income. Long term, I would want Summers and holidays but she should get custody because - and I hate to admit it - she is an excellent mom in so many ways. She is the most affectionate mom I've ever seen and my daughters love her to death. There is no way I would try to get custody.

 

This morning though, she was subdued and just looking off into space. I said, I'm getting half these assets and she said IF we get a divorce and I said we are getting a divorce. She was really angry last night but today she said that she just wanted peace. She seems ambivalent about divorce but happy to see me go.

[oldshirt]

I understand the obligations of a father and for the past 18 months, that has been one of the things I have been telling myself - stay for the daughters. But this literally driving me to despair and I mean in a literal sense. I'm not really any good for my daughters like this plus now she has them lying to me. I don't want to stick around here because my gut tells me, she has a new love interest and if I see it, it will make things worse.

 

As far as my daughters, short term I need to get a job and start paying support based on that income. Long term, I would want Summers and holidays but she should get custody because - and I hate to admit it - she is an excellent mom in so many ways. She is the most affectionate mom I've ever seen and my daughters love her to death. There is no way I would try to get custody.

 

This morning though, she was subdued and just looking off into space. I said, I'm getting half these assets and she said IF we get a divorce and I said we are getting a divorce. She was really angry last night but today she said that she just wanted peace. She seems ambivalent about divorce but happy to see me go.

 

OK, but that doesn't change anything I said. Yes I get it that this is not a warm and fuzzy situation but you are in no physical danger so there is no reason for you to flee.

 

Stop talking to her and stop telling her your plans.

 

Get a lawyer and sit down and start working out a realistic divorce plan with your lawyer and institute the steps in a methodical step by step manner as directed by your lawyer.

 

When you flee like a thief in the night, that will be looked down upon by the court and you will pay a hefty price.

 

It's fine to divorce and get out, but do it right and do it by the numbers where no one can come back and accuse you of abandoning your children, avoiding your responsibilities or trying to scam out of your parental duties.

 

Divorce lawyers have been to law school, have familiarized themselves with laws of their local jurisdiction and know the biases and temperments of the local courts and they work with divorces day in and day out every day. Simply put, they know more about divorces and what happens in and after divorces more than you do. You would be wise to consult their services and follow their directions rather than stomping out and doing whatever you feel at the moment because you are frustrated and upset.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

I did not interpret your recent post to imply your intent to abandon your children. I understood it as a step in the right direction and healing for your family. There's a reason airlines instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others, including your own children. It's not because the rules were drafted by a bunch of "bad" parents or selfish people. Think about it, if you can't take care of yourself, you will not be able to help others who depend on you. Going to your brother's is like putting on your mask; you need to catch a few breaths so you don't completely lose it. Best of luck.

[howtoproceed]

When you flee like a thief in the night, that will be looked down upon by the court and you will pay a hefty price.

 

I'm not fleeing like a thief in the night. I told her I was going (on short notice, I agree) and I left her essentially all the money. I took $500 cash and charged a 1way ticket to our credit card and then, handed over the credit. Plus she knows where I'm going and how to get in touch with me. I'm sure if it comes to lawyers, they can make some hay out of that and maybe use her affair to argue that it drove me to depression - which is what it did. Depression is a medically recognized condition. Also, I'm not a lay around the house bum. I'll be working again in no time, within weeks and I'll start sending support.

 

She's right now posting pictures with her "work fam" at the Veterans Day parade and she's nothing but smiles. I'm sure she slept like a log last night. I know she's up to something, probably why I wasn't invited to her birthday party.

 

I really think its best for me and my daughters if I take some time away and I mean far away.

[Marc878]

Do not walk away from your kids. I get the "getting away from your wife".

 

You have responsibility to your kids none to her.

 

At this time push the divorce thru and get on with your life. It would be best to limit any contact except for the children. Losing your temper, etc is getting you nowhere. You need to control it. You can only control yourself. Let your stbxw figure out her end.

[howtoproceed]

I did not interpret your recent post to imply your intent to abandon your children. I understood it as a step in the right direction and healing for your family. There's a reason airlines instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others, including your own children. It's not because the rules were drafted by a bunch of "bad" parents or selfish people. Think about it, if you can't take care of yourself, you will not be able to help others who depend on you. Going to your brother's is like putting on your mask; you need to catch a few breaths so you don't completely lose it. Best of luck.

 

Thank you onelov - this is exactly what I'm doing and probably should have done it immediately after DDay. Basically, I've seen her face every day since DDay and even though I love, part of me just can't stand to be any where near her. Plus at this point, I do not want to see her with another man and I just think that's what is coming next. I'm not ready for that.

[Grapesofwrath]

I understand the obligations of a father and for the past 18 months, that has been one of the things I have been telling myself - stay for the daughters. But this literally driving me to despair and I mean in a literal sense. I'm not really any good for my daughters like this plus now she has them lying to me. I don't want to stick around here because my gut tells me, she has a new love interest and if I see it, it will make things worse.

 

As far as my daughters, short term I need to get a job and start paying support based on that income. Long term, I would want Summers and holidays but she should get custody because - and I hate to admit it - she is an excellent mom in so many ways. She is the most affectionate mom I've ever seen and my daughters love her to death. There is no way I would try to get custody.

 

This morning though, she was subdued and just looking off into space. I said, I'm getting half these assets and she said IF we get a divorce and I said we are getting a divorce. She was really angry last night but today she said that she just wanted peace. She seems ambivalent about divorce but happy to see me go.

 

To take a short break at your brother's house is understandable and probably a good idea. Please be sure to communicate to your daughter that you will be gone only briefly and will be back soon. I believe your depression--and the massive blow to your self-worth that this affair has caused--has you thinking that they love your wife more than they love you.

 

Please know, howto, that your daughters love you. You are their father. Do not be bullied by her choices to take a backseat in their lives. They need you.

[Marc878]

It's good you know your capabilities and are taking action that you need to deal with this.

 

Good luck to you. If you can file sooner than later.

 

Sorry man

[Marc878]

I keep re-reading this post because it is so well said and really clarifies my thoughts. It also validates that I should in fact be pissed. Her position now is that it's no big deal I wasn't included and I don't really care about her anyway. But mostly she is just on her FB page replying to everyone who is commenting on the pictures a few of her co-workers posted of her birthday lunch.

 

Like you to me this was the clincher. A very hurtful lie. Someone who does this to you has no future in your life.

[aileD]

Just be careful. Make sure you keep in touch and in conta t with the wife and the kids. The court can consider "abandonment" in custody decisions, even if you didn't imreally abandon literally....you just please need to check into the custody laws in your state and make sure what your doing can't be considered "abandonment"

 

Again I'm not saying you are doing this, but the laws are dumb sometimes and men get screwed and you just need to do everything right and know what you're getting yourself into

 

Take care

[oldshirt]

"

 

Again I'm not saying you are doing this, but the laws are dumb sometimes and men get screwed and you just need to do everything right and know what you're getting yourself into

 

 

This ^^^^^^

 

 

We all understand what you are doing and why and no one here is judging you for it.

 

The issue is there are wacky laws and divorce courts have their own agendas and she and her attorney will use any ammunition they can get to screw you over. Do not give them any more ammo than necessary.

 

Go ahead and leave beeotch, no one here is going to shed a tear for her here. All some of us are saying is consult an attorney before you do anything and have whatever actions you take be cleared through your attorney before you do it.

 

You simply don't know what will come back to bite you in the @$$ but your attorney will have a good idea on what will and what won't come back to haunt you.

[S2B]

I wouldn't leave all the money with her - you need to move half of it to your name only.

 

Make copies of all debt. IF she charges things after you separate - that debt may be hers and hers alone.

 

My ex charged about 10K after we separated then tried to have me paying half of it when the divorce was being finalized. I handed over the copies of the statements/balances when we separated and stated firmly "this is only HIS debt because I haven't charged one thing since these copies were made.

 

If you don't move half the money she will move all of it to her name only. If it's half yours then move it.

 

 

Also make copies of prior tax returns - it helps to have the info for the court.

[howtoproceed]

My greyhound is delayed by 3 - 4 hours and I got here 2 hours early. Its a 14 hour ride and I just want to call my wife and talk. I guess it can only get better but its really depressing.

[frogss29]

I hope you didnt call her.

You made a decision to leave and give you time and distance to heal.

Hope you stuck to it.

[howtoproceed]

I didn't call her but I logged into her FB account and she changed the password so I used her hotmail account to change it again so she'll know that's me. Its really hard right now and this 14 hour trip is going to turn into a 28 hr trip which is making it much more depressing. I should have taken a plane but I didn't want to stress the finances any more than they are going to be stressed.

 

But no, I definitely did not call her but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can hold out. Right after DDay I went to stay with my brother and I lasted 3 weeks and then went back. She was very glad but whenever we argue she throws that right in my face and says I came crawling back and that I'm a wuss. I don't want to repeat that but at some point I will need to call her just to talk to my daughters.

 

How long should I wait before I contact her?

[S2B]

Why would you need to log into anything of hers right now?

 

I'm baffled.

 

Gain some inner strength and be strong! You don't need to stay attached to her. - she intends to harm you, act like it and protect yourself from her.

 

YOU are the only one who can protect yourself but it's like you're begging for more pain.

[Marc878]

I didn't call her but I logged into her FB account and she changed the password so I used her hotmail account to change it again so she'll know that's me. Its really hard right now and this 14 hour trip is going to turn into a 28 hr trip which is making it much more depressing. I should have taken a plane but I didn't want to stress the finances any more than they are going to be stressed.

 

But no, I definitely did not call her but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can hold out. Right after DDay I went to stay with my brother and I lasted 3 weeks and then went back. She was very glad but whenever we argue she throws that right in my face and says I came crawling back and that I'm a wuss. I don't want to repeat that but at some point I will need to call her just to talk to my daughters.

 

How long should I wait before I contact her?

 

Hmmmm, sounds like you've set a precedent. You left before went back, now you've quit your job and left again and in less than 24 hours you're wanting to call? Sounds like you didn't put any thought into what you were doing.

 

This will not turn out well. She knows you can be played. All she has to do is wait you out.

 

You should think before you leap. To late now.

[aileD]

How old are your kids?

 

Do they have cell phones?

 

When my WH was going to leave me for his mistress, I told him I didn't want to communicate, see or know him anymore. Our kids are old enough, they have cell phones and he can call and make plans with them on his own.

[BluesPower]

OP don't you understand that you should not contact her?

 

Buddy, I understand that you hurt, I have been there. But how many times does she have to betray you for you to understand the she does not love you.

 

She does not want you. She wants to use you and that is it? There has to be some part of you that has some self-respect.

 

Can't you realize that she is a horrible person, a user of people, a user of her children, a user of you.

 

I want you to try and realize that you are not the problem. None of this is your fault, you never deserved this in any way. You just let you love for her blind you.

 

I am begging you to not call her. I am begging you to finalize the divorce and move on with your life. Nothing you have done made her stop loving you and nothing you can do will make her love you.

 

Please try to get some type of therapy so you can understand what has happened and rebuild your self esteem.

 

You are worthy of happiness. You are a good person that has been repeatedly betrayed by a horrible women that never loved you.

 

Please take care of yourself...

[DKT3]

Hmmmm, sounds like you've set a precedent. You left before went back, now you've quit your job and left again and in less than 24 hours you're wanting to call? Sounds like you didn't put any thought into what you were doing.

 

This will not turn out well. She knows you can be played. All she has to do is wait you out.

 

You should think before you leap. To late now.

 

I was thinking along these lines, it sounds to me like she is looking to manipulate him into falling in line. She views him as weak. I'm guessing she has used this technique the entire relationship, bully him into submission.

[Grapesofwrath]

I didn't call her but I logged into her FB account and she changed the password so I used her hotmail account to change it again so she'll know that's me. Its really hard right now and this 14 hour trip is going to turn into a 28 hr trip which is making it much more depressing. I should have taken a plane but I didn't want to stress the finances any more than they are going to be stressed.

 

But no, I definitely did not call her but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can hold out. Right after DDay I went to stay with my brother and I lasted 3 weeks and then went back. She was very glad but whenever we argue she throws that right in my face and says I came crawling back and that I'm a wuss. I don't want to repeat that but at some point I will need to call her just to talk to my daughters.

 

How long should I wait before I contact her?

 

Howto: How old are your daughters? What follows is advise assuming they are old enough to talk on the phone, etc. If there is no other avenue through which you can reach them, then you will need to contact her to speak to your daughters. That doesn't mean you engage with her. You can send her a text, saying, "I would like to speak to the girls. Please let me know when is a good time for that. I will call you on your phone and please have one of them answer." If she answers when you call, you can ask to speak to your daughters and hang up if she won't cooperate. I get that you don't want to talk to her, nor should you. But you have children, and it's crucial that they not feel you have abandoned them.

 

The fact that she changed her FB password is not encouraging. She is putting up the walls to exclude you from her life as she moves forward. I'm very sorry, as I know this must hurt. It's clear she does not care for you, nor does she possess the type of basic human kindness required to treat you with some respect as the father of her children.

 

Please trust me when I say that it is a long road, but you can do it. You will find happiness again. If you choose it.