OneLov Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 OP, I did not interpret your recent post to imply your intent to abandon your children. I understood it as a step in the right direction and healing for your family. There's a reason airlines instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others, including your own children. It's not because the rules were drafted by a bunch of "bad" parents or selfish people. Think about it, if you can't take care of yourself, you will not be able to help others who depend on you. Going to your brother's is like putting on your mask; you need to catch a few breaths so you don't completely lose it. Best of luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author howtoproceed Posted November 11, 2016 Author Share Posted November 11, 2016 When you flee like a thief in the night, that will be looked down upon by the court and you will pay a hefty price. I'm not fleeing like a thief in the night. I told her I was going (on short notice, I agree) and I left her essentially all the money. I took $500 cash and charged a 1way ticket to our credit card and then, handed over the credit. Plus she knows where I'm going and how to get in touch with me. I'm sure if it comes to lawyers, they can make some hay out of that and maybe use her affair to argue that it drove me to depression - which is what it did. Depression is a medically recognized condition. Also, I'm not a lay around the house bum. I'll be working again in no time, within weeks and I'll start sending support. She's right now posting pictures with her "work fam" at the Veterans Day parade and she's nothing but smiles. I'm sure she slept like a log last night. I know she's up to something, probably why I wasn't invited to her birthday party. I really think its best for me and my daughters if I take some time away and I mean far away. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Do not walk away from your kids. I get the "getting away from your wife". You have responsibility to your kids none to her. At this time push the divorce thru and get on with your life. It would be best to limit any contact except for the children. Losing your temper, etc is getting you nowhere. You need to control it. You can only control yourself. Let your stbxw figure out her end. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author howtoproceed Posted November 11, 2016 Author Share Posted November 11, 2016 I did not interpret your recent post to imply your intent to abandon your children. I understood it as a step in the right direction and healing for your family. There's a reason airlines instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others, including your own children. It's not because the rules were drafted by a bunch of "bad" parents or selfish people. Think about it, if you can't take care of yourself, you will not be able to help others who depend on you. Going to your brother's is like putting on your mask; you need to catch a few breaths so you don't completely lose it. Best of luck. Thank you onelov - this is exactly what I'm doing and probably should have done it immediately after DDay. Basically, I've seen her face every day since DDay and even though I love, part of me just can't stand to be any where near her. Plus at this point, I do not want to see her with another man and I just think that's what is coming next. I'm not ready for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 I understand the obligations of a father and for the past 18 months, that has been one of the things I have been telling myself - stay for the daughters. But this literally driving me to despair and I mean in a literal sense. I'm not really any good for my daughters like this plus now she has them lying to me. I don't want to stick around here because my gut tells me, she has a new love interest and if I see it, it will make things worse. As far as my daughters, short term I need to get a job and start paying support based on that income. Long term, I would want Summers and holidays but she should get custody because - and I hate to admit it - she is an excellent mom in so many ways. She is the most affectionate mom I've ever seen and my daughters love her to death. There is no way I would try to get custody. This morning though, she was subdued and just looking off into space. I said, I'm getting half these assets and she said IF we get a divorce and I said we are getting a divorce. She was really angry last night but today she said that she just wanted peace. She seems ambivalent about divorce but happy to see me go. To take a short break at your brother's house is understandable and probably a good idea. Please be sure to communicate to your daughter that you will be gone only briefly and will be back soon. I believe your depression--and the massive blow to your self-worth that this affair has caused--has you thinking that they love your wife more than they love you. Please know, howto, that your daughters love you. You are their father. Do not be bullied by her choices to take a backseat in their lives. They need you. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 It's good you know your capabilities and are taking action that you need to deal with this. Good luck to you. If you can file sooner than later. Sorry man 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 I keep re-reading this post because it is so well said and really clarifies my thoughts. It also validates that I should in fact be pissed. Her position now is that it's no big deal I wasn't included and I don't really care about her anyway. But mostly she is just on her FB page replying to everyone who is commenting on the pictures a few of her co-workers posted of her birthday lunch. Like you to me this was the clincher. A very hurtful lie. Someone who does this to you has no future in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Just be careful. Make sure you keep in touch and in conta t with the wife and the kids. The court can consider "abandonment" in custody decisions, even if you didn't imreally abandon literally....you just please need to check into the custody laws in your state and make sure what your doing can't be considered "abandonment" Again I'm not saying you are doing this, but the laws are dumb sometimes and men get screwed and you just need to do everything right and know what you're getting yourself into Take care Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 " Again I'm not saying you are doing this, but the laws are dumb sometimes and men get screwed and you just need to do everything right and know what you're getting yourself into This ^^^^^^ We all understand what you are doing and why and no one here is judging you for it. The issue is there are wacky laws and divorce courts have their own agendas and she and her attorney will use any ammunition they can get to screw you over. Do not give them any more ammo than necessary. Go ahead and leave beeotch, no one here is going to shed a tear for her here. All some of us are saying is consult an attorney before you do anything and have whatever actions you take be cleared through your attorney before you do it. You simply don't know what will come back to bite you in the @$$ but your attorney will have a good idea on what will and what won't come back to haunt you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howtoproceed Posted November 12, 2016 Author Share Posted November 12, 2016 My greyhound is delayed by 3 - 4 hours and I got here 2 hours early. Its a 14 hour ride and I just want to call my wife and talk. I guess it can only get better but its really depressing. Link to post Share on other sites
frogss29 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I hope you didnt call her. You made a decision to leave and give you time and distance to heal. Hope you stuck to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author howtoproceed Posted November 12, 2016 Author Share Posted November 12, 2016 I didn't call her but I logged into her FB account and she changed the password so I used her hotmail account to change it again so she'll know that's me. Its really hard right now and this 14 hour trip is going to turn into a 28 hr trip which is making it much more depressing. I should have taken a plane but I didn't want to stress the finances any more than they are going to be stressed. But no, I definitely did not call her but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can hold out. Right after DDay I went to stay with my brother and I lasted 3 weeks and then went back. She was very glad but whenever we argue she throws that right in my face and says I came crawling back and that I'm a wuss. I don't want to repeat that but at some point I will need to call her just to talk to my daughters. How long should I wait before I contact her? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I didn't call her but I logged into her FB account and she changed the password so I used her hotmail account to change it again so she'll know that's me. Its really hard right now and this 14 hour trip is going to turn into a 28 hr trip which is making it much more depressing. I should have taken a plane but I didn't want to stress the finances any more than they are going to be stressed. But no, I definitely did not call her but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can hold out. Right after DDay I went to stay with my brother and I lasted 3 weeks and then went back. She was very glad but whenever we argue she throws that right in my face and says I came crawling back and that I'm a wuss. I don't want to repeat that but at some point I will need to call her just to talk to my daughters. How long should I wait before I contact her? Hmmmm, sounds like you've set a precedent. You left before went back, now you've quit your job and left again and in less than 24 hours you're wanting to call? Sounds like you didn't put any thought into what you were doing. This will not turn out well. She knows you can be played. All she has to do is wait you out. You should think before you leap. To late now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 How old are your kids? Do they have cell phones? When my WH was going to leave me for his mistress, I told him I didn't want to communicate, see or know him anymore. Our kids are old enough, they have cell phones and he can call and make plans with them on his own. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 OP don't you understand that you should not contact her? Buddy, I understand that you hurt, I have been there. But how many times does she have to betray you for you to understand the she does not love you. She does not want you. She wants to use you and that is it? There has to be some part of you that has some self-respect. Can't you realize that she is a horrible person, a user of people, a user of her children, a user of you. I want you to try and realize that you are not the problem. None of this is your fault, you never deserved this in any way. You just let you love for her blind you. I am begging you to not call her. I am begging you to finalize the divorce and move on with your life. Nothing you have done made her stop loving you and nothing you can do will make her love you. Please try to get some type of therapy so you can understand what has happened and rebuild your self esteem. You are worthy of happiness. You are a good person that has been repeatedly betrayed by a horrible women that never loved you. Please take care of yourself... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Hmmmm, sounds like you've set a precedent. You left before went back, now you've quit your job and left again and in less than 24 hours you're wanting to call? Sounds like you didn't put any thought into what you were doing. This will not turn out well. She knows you can be played. All she has to do is wait you out. You should think before you leap. To late now. I was thinking along these lines, it sounds to me like she is looking to manipulate him into falling in line. She views him as weak. I'm guessing she has used this technique the entire relationship, bully him into submission. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I didn't call her but I logged into her FB account and she changed the password so I used her hotmail account to change it again so she'll know that's me. Its really hard right now and this 14 hour trip is going to turn into a 28 hr trip which is making it much more depressing. I should have taken a plane but I didn't want to stress the finances any more than they are going to be stressed. But no, I definitely did not call her but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can hold out. Right after DDay I went to stay with my brother and I lasted 3 weeks and then went back. She was very glad but whenever we argue she throws that right in my face and says I came crawling back and that I'm a wuss. I don't want to repeat that but at some point I will need to call her just to talk to my daughters. How long should I wait before I contact her? Howto: How old are your daughters? What follows is advise assuming they are old enough to talk on the phone, etc. If there is no other avenue through which you can reach them, then you will need to contact her to speak to your daughters. That doesn't mean you engage with her. You can send her a text, saying, "I would like to speak to the girls. Please let me know when is a good time for that. I will call you on your phone and please have one of them answer." If she answers when you call, you can ask to speak to your daughters and hang up if she won't cooperate. I get that you don't want to talk to her, nor should you. But you have children, and it's crucial that they not feel you have abandoned them. The fact that she changed her FB password is not encouraging. She is putting up the walls to exclude you from her life as she moves forward. I'm very sorry, as I know this must hurt. It's clear she does not care for you, nor does she possess the type of basic human kindness required to treat you with some respect as the father of her children. Please trust me when I say that it is a long road, but you can do it. You will find happiness again. If you choose it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author howtoproceed Posted November 13, 2016 Author Share Posted November 13, 2016 She views him as weak. Well she called me a wuss, once she said that she was the man of the house, she sees me having crawled when I was in the midst of hysterical bonding and for that she sees me as weak. I think the first thing is to stay off face book. Its actually already taking my mind off it because I have to get a job. Plus I had a great time with my brother and his family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 Your actions show you as weak. Very unnattractive. You've put yourself in a very compromising position. Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. She knows you can be played so why would she do anything different? You have value use it or your life with her won't be woth living. You've let your emotions rule you. It's a crappy position to be in but the affair was all on her how you've handled it is on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 I'm assuming you caved and called her, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author howtoproceed Posted November 13, 2016 Author Share Posted November 13, 2016 I'm assuming you caved and called her, right? Nope - and even better I haven't been on FB most of the day. When I wake up tomorrow, I'd have almost gone an entire day without logging onto FB. Basically, FB is my way of stalking her but I want to try and stay off FB for awhile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 Nope - and even better I haven't been on FB most of the day. When I wake up tomorrow, I'd have almost gone an entire day without logging onto FB. Basically, FB is my way of stalking her but I want to try and stay off FB for awhile. Nice going. You can go in and temporarily inactivate your account. Do it!!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 The hysterical bonding was manipulation on her part - which worked -in her favor. It's not the hysterical bonding that makes her see you as weak - it's all of it. It is everything that you do and say that makes her view you as weak. You willingly hand her all of YOUR power- and yes, in ANY relationship that is weak. And women don't respect a weak male. Without resp ct she isn't into the marriage...and there's no foundation for the union to be healthy. She walks all over you and you beg for more - when do YOU plan to change? You like this kind of abuse? Did you grow up with abuse?...because it looks like you are perfectly comfortable having someone who claims to love you treat you like crap - then ask for more. That's NOT healthy for you! When are you planning to HELP YOURSELF? My suggestion is now. You start by doing every single thing contrary to what you used to do/say. Hope only comes when you start changing yourself. Excellent female point of view. You would do well to pay attention here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howtoproceed Posted November 14, 2016 Author Share Posted November 14, 2016 So over one full day without FB and its better. I'm just trying to to invent anything in my head that she is with some guy because I now have NO IDEA what she is doing. My daughters Skyped me out of the blue and we arranged a Skype schedule. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 You don't need to guess, you know exactly what she is and has been doing. You need to try and get her out of your head ASAP. And, Try to just move on with your life. Don't go back for any reason, this marriage is done and you know it. It is time to save yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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