Mateguarding - When does it end? [update: What to make of this?]

[howtoproceed]

She views him as weak.

 

Well she called me a wuss, once she said that she was the man of the house, she sees me having crawled when I was in the midst of hysterical bonding and for that she sees me as weak.

 

I think the first thing is to stay off face book. Its actually already taking my mind off it because I have to get a job. Plus I had a great time with my brother and his family.

[Marc878]

Your actions show you as weak. Very unnattractive. You've put yourself in a very compromising position.

 

Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download.

 

She knows you can be played so why would she do anything different?

 

You have value use it or your life with her won't be woth living.

 

You've let your emotions rule you.

 

It's a crappy position to be in but the affair was all on her how you've handled it is on you.

[Marc878]

I'm assuming you caved and called her, right?

[howtoproceed]

I'm assuming you caved and called her, right?

 

Nope - and even better I haven't been on FB most of the day. When I wake up tomorrow, I'd have almost gone an entire day without logging onto FB. Basically, FB is my way of stalking her but I want to try and stay off FB for awhile.

[S2B]

Well she called me a wuss, once she said that she was the man of the house, she sees me having crawled when I was in the midst of hysterical bonding and for that she sees me as weak.

 

I think the first thing is to stay off face book. Its actually already taking my mind off it because I have to get a job. Plus I had a great time with my brother and his family.

 

The hysterical bonding was manipulation on her part - which worked -in her favor.

 

It's not the hysterical bonding that makes her see you as weak - it's all of it. It is everything that you do and say that makes her view you as weak. You willingly hand her all of YOUR power- and yes, in ANY relationship that is weak.

 

And women don't respect a weak male. Without resp ct she isn't into the marriage...and there's no foundation for the union to be healthy.

 

She walks all over you and you beg for more - when do YOU plan to change? You like this kind of abuse?

 

Did you grow up with abuse?...because it looks like you are perfectly comfortable having someone who claims to love you treat you like crap - then ask for more. That's NOT healthy for you!

 

When are you planning to HELP YOURSELF? My suggestion is now. You start by doing every single thing contrary to what you used to do/say.

 

Hope only comes when you start changing yourself.

[Marc878]

Nope - and even better I haven't been on FB most of the day. When I wake up tomorrow, I'd have almost gone an entire day without logging onto FB. Basically, FB is my way of stalking her but I want to try and stay off FB for awhile.

 

Nice going. You can go in and temporarily inactivate your account.

 

Do it!!!!!

[Marc878]

The hysterical bonding was manipulation on her part - which worked -in her favor.

 

It's not the hysterical bonding that makes her see you as weak - it's all of it. It is everything that you do and say that makes her view you as weak. You willingly hand her all of YOUR power- and yes, in ANY relationship that is weak.

 

And women don't respect a weak male. Without resp ct she isn't into the marriage...and there's no foundation for the union to be healthy.

 

She walks all over you and you beg for more - when do YOU plan to change? You like this kind of abuse?

 

Did you grow up with abuse?...because it looks like you are perfectly comfortable having someone who claims to love you treat you like crap - then ask for more. That's NOT healthy for you!

 

When are you planning to HELP YOURSELF? My suggestion is now. You start by doing every single thing contrary to what you used to do/say.

 

Hope only comes when you start changing yourself.

 

Excellent female point of view. You would do well to pay attention here.

[howtoproceed]

So over one full day without FB and its better. I'm just trying to to invent anything in my head that she is with some guy because I now have NO IDEA what she is doing.

 

My daughters Skyped me out of the blue and we arranged a Skype schedule.

[BluesPower]

You don't need to guess, you know exactly what she is and has been doing.

 

You need to try and get her out of your head ASAP. And, Try to just move on with your life.

 

Don't go back for any reason, this marriage is done and you know it.

 

It is time to save yourself.

[howtoproceed]

I haven't been thinking about her as much but I have been thinking what an idiot I've been. It was actually easy to just leave. I might be going overseas again. There is always work there.

 

I also had my last check mailed to my brothers, money she was counting on. My daughters skype me every day and my oldest said she heard mommy say "money was tight." I know she's talking **** about me to my kids.

 

I think she has a rough 3 months in front of her but she's smart and she'll figure it out.

 

The first night I was here, I had a panick attack but I realized one thing is I won't be going back there. I just don't know what to do next though.

[aileD]

Don't be an ******* and take money away from your kids.

[howtoproceed]

Don't be an ******* and take money away from your kids.

 

I guess it's a fine line between being weak and needy and having the resources to take care of myself. She has plenty of money or at least she should. She's been handling the finances for years.

 

My mistake was only leaving with $300 and a one-way bus ticket that went from a 14 hour trip to a 28 hour trip. Like my brother said, I should have taken a $1,000 and bought a plane ticket.

 

This check will help make up for that error and maybe give her a wake-up to the new reality.

 

Anyway, five full days without logging into FB or checking her Hotmail.

I had an interview last night for a job in Thailand.

I wonder what she's up to but it definitely is so much easier without having her in my face. Plus I haven't thought about her affair hardly at all over the past 5 days.

 

Leaving this time is different from the last time I left, immediately after DDay.

Right after DDay we were having incredible sex and when I left, I kept thinking about the great sex and I wanted her physically very badly. That passed.

[Marc878]

You need to start thinking long term. Knee jerk reactions rarely end well.

 

Stop letting your emotions control you. Your life will get a lot better.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess it's a fine line between being weak and needy and having the resources to take care of myself. She has plenty of money or at least she should. She's been handling the finances for years.

 

My mistake was only leaving with $300 and a one-way bus ticket that went from a 14 hour trip to a 28 hour trip. Like my brother said, I should have taken a $1,000 and bought a plane ticket.

 

This check will help make up for that error and maybe give her a wake-up to the new reality.

 

Anyway, five full days without logging into FB or checking her Hotmail.

I had an interview last night for a job in Thailand.

I wonder what she's up to but it definitely is so much easier without having her in my face. Plus I haven't thought about her affair hardly at all over the past 5 days.

 

Leaving this time is different from the last time I left, immediately after DDay.

Right after DDay we were having incredible sex and when I left, I kept thinking about the great sex and I wanted her physically very badly. That passed.

 

Just Skyping isn't being a Dad.

Taking off to Thailand to escape the pain isn't being a Dad.

 

Your kids don't get to escape this.

 

You have been fired from being her husband.

 

That doesn't mean you get to quit being a Dad.

 

And they really need a Dad right now.

 

Did they even know you were going? Because that's really hard on kids to not know you are leaving, then having you take off.

[howtoproceed]

Just Skyping isn't being a Dad.

Taking off to Thailand to escape the pain isn't being a Dad.

 

I'm honestly not in "dad-mode" right now. I've been thinking clearly the last few days and reflecting over the past 18 months and I have been acting like a weak, needy cuckold and I think it has done some real damage on my self-image. I honestly don't know what I was thinking.

 

I finally took a look at the 180 after 18 months and I broke every rule on that list! Even when I left the first time, I was texting and calling her constantly. Well by virtue of not being there, I'm by default adhering to every rule on the 180 list. I'm sorry that comes at the expense of my daughters well being but their mom will just need to step in and pick up the slack. I know this hurts them but it really looks like a divorce is coming sooner or later. Also, I'm doing so much better by not being near my wife. I don't want to risk going back to that State and relapsing or something.

 

I have a solid job offer in Thailand, in a city called Chiang Rai. The pay is low but I would be willing to impute my salary in the states to calculate support. I'm not going to deadbeat dad on my kids. I was just walking around with like $200 left in my pocket so I honestly needed that last check.

[BluesPower]

I think this is the first "manly" and realistic thing you have said the entire time you have been posting.

 

I am glad you finally got here. You will be a much better dad once you heal and get your self-respect back.

 

And you know what, the wife may have to be a real parent and not get the spend as much time with her BF as she wants but too bad...

 

You stay strong and stay away from her.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm honestly not in "dad-mode" right now. I've been thinking clearly the last few days and reflecting over the past 18 months and I have been acting like a weak, needy cuckold and I think it has done some real damage on my self-image. I honestly don't know what I was thinking.

 

I finally took a look at the 180 after 18 months and I broke every rule on that list! Even when I left the first time, I was texting and calling her constantly. Well by virtue of not being there, I'm by default adhering to every rule on the 180 list. I'm sorry that comes at the expense of my daughters well being but their mom will just need to step in and pick up the slack. I know this hurts them but it really looks like a divorce is coming sooner or later. Also, I'm doing so much better by not being near my wife. I don't want to risk going back to that State and relapsing or something.

 

I have a solid job offer in Thailand, in a city called Chiang Rai. The pay is low but I would be willing to impute my salary in the states to calculate support. I'm not going to deadbeat dad on my kids. I was just walking around with like $200 left in my pocket so I honestly needed that last check.

 

It isn't really about the $.

 

Right now their Dad just left, and now he's planning on leaving the country too.

 

There isn't a "Dad-mode"

 

You're either a Dad or you're not.

 

You don't have to go home to be a Dad, but there should definitely be solid blocks of time WITH THEM, reassuring them solidly that you WILL BE THERE FOR THEM.

 

Have you ever had a dog?

 

What do you think would happen if you had a dog and then you left to Thailand but sent the dog monetary support? Do you think the dog would be like "oh ARF, he sent extra this month!"

 

No, the dog would pine by the door waiting for you until you either came back or they basically forgot about you.

 

That's kids. You can blah blah about support money and your own happiness to them, but they don't understand that until well into adulthood, if ever. And they'll still resent it.

 

My husband did that stuff, so trust me. I know. The only thing I could do was 110% reassure my daughter that I was there for her 24/7. And that we would be okay.

 

Not only that, we ended up reconciling. And now he's in a private clinic recovering from some work they had to do on his spine. But we prepared our daughter quite a bit for his leaving for FIVE days. You're talking about a permanent relocation away from them altogether without any kind of prep.

 

That's not your wife "picking up the slack." That's you quitting parenting and taking off.

 

Entirely different circumstance than providing stability and being on rotation or something.

 

Are you involved much with your kids as it is?

[S2B]

Isn't she working? She is capable of earning money when she. Reds it.

[howtoproceed]

I have an incredible urge to stalk my wife on FB and see what she's been up to this past week. Maybe because its the weekend.

[Marc878]

This won't help you any. It may lead you to crawling back again.

 

Find something else to do.

[Marc878]

Read up on codependency.

[S2B]

I have an incredible urge to stalk my wife on FB and see what she's been up to this past week. Maybe because its the weekend.

 

Hopefully she's either working to make money she needs and/or taking care of the kids.

[BuddyX]

I can predict the posts on FB from your wife. Plenty of "I will survive and overcome" quotes BS.

 

Don't waste your time.

[howtoproceed]

It's been 10 days since I left and checked FB for that matter.

My wife just made 1st contact with me.

I want to parse her letter a bit but first point out that she contacted me first.

Last time, i contacted her first so i guess I win?

 

Just wanted to let you know that we have to discuss this before you take off to overseas. You either need to pay the support or we need to have the legal agreement states you don't have to pay for 3 years since you are agree to sign all the marital assets to me. I hope we can settle down this like adults. For the girls' sake, they need to have holidays they deserve.

 

Thanks,

 

She says "you either need to pay support or ...." meaning she isn't 100% certain about divorce. Anyway, she made first contact.

[BluesPower]

Did you agree to sign all marital assets over to her. That sounds a little extreme if you did?

 

And nothing there indicates in any way that she does not want a divorce.

 

Sounds like to me the BF is encouraging her to screw you over like she already has not.

 

I would not agree to that right now at all.

 

And please don't let her use the kids to guilt you into anything, she is the one that broke up the family and the marriage.