Mateguarding - When does it end? [update: What to make of this?]

[howtoproceed]

I haven't been thinking about her as much but I have been thinking what an idiot I've been. It was actually easy to just leave. I might be going overseas again. There is always work there.

 

I also had my last check mailed to my brothers, money she was counting on. My daughters skype me every day and my oldest said she heard mommy say "money was tight." I know she's talking **** about me to my kids.

 

I think she has a rough 3 months in front of her but she's smart and she'll figure it out.

 

The first night I was here, I had a panick attack but I realized one thing is I won't be going back there. I just don't know what to do next though.

[aileD]

Don't be an ******* and take money away from your kids.

[howtoproceed]

Don't be an ******* and take money away from your kids.

 

I guess it's a fine line between being weak and needy and having the resources to take care of myself. She has plenty of money or at least she should. She's been handling the finances for years.

 

My mistake was only leaving with $300 and a one-way bus ticket that went from a 14 hour trip to a 28 hour trip. Like my brother said, I should have taken a $1,000 and bought a plane ticket.

 

This check will help make up for that error and maybe give her a wake-up to the new reality.

 

Anyway, five full days without logging into FB or checking her Hotmail.

I had an interview last night for a job in Thailand.

I wonder what she's up to but it definitely is so much easier without having her in my face. Plus I haven't thought about her affair hardly at all over the past 5 days.

 

Leaving this time is different from the last time I left, immediately after DDay.

Right after DDay we were having incredible sex and when I left, I kept thinking about the great sex and I wanted her physically very badly. That passed.

[Marc878]

You need to start thinking long term. Knee jerk reactions rarely end well.

 

Stop letting your emotions control you. Your life will get a lot better.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess it's a fine line between being weak and needy and having the resources to take care of myself. She has plenty of money or at least she should. She's been handling the finances for years.

 

My mistake was only leaving with $300 and a one-way bus ticket that went from a 14 hour trip to a 28 hour trip. Like my brother said, I should have taken a $1,000 and bought a plane ticket.

 

This check will help make up for that error and maybe give her a wake-up to the new reality.

 

Anyway, five full days without logging into FB or checking her Hotmail.

I had an interview last night for a job in Thailand.

I wonder what she's up to but it definitely is so much easier without having her in my face. Plus I haven't thought about her affair hardly at all over the past 5 days.

 

Leaving this time is different from the last time I left, immediately after DDay.

Right after DDay we were having incredible sex and when I left, I kept thinking about the great sex and I wanted her physically very badly. That passed.

 

Just Skyping isn't being a Dad.

Taking off to Thailand to escape the pain isn't being a Dad.

 

Your kids don't get to escape this.

 

You have been fired from being her husband.

 

That doesn't mean you get to quit being a Dad.

 

And they really need a Dad right now.

 

Did they even know you were going? Because that's really hard on kids to not know you are leaving, then having you take off.

[howtoproceed]

Just Skyping isn't being a Dad.

Taking off to Thailand to escape the pain isn't being a Dad.

 

I'm honestly not in "dad-mode" right now. I've been thinking clearly the last few days and reflecting over the past 18 months and I have been acting like a weak, needy cuckold and I think it has done some real damage on my self-image. I honestly don't know what I was thinking.

 

I finally took a look at the 180 after 18 months and I broke every rule on that list! Even when I left the first time, I was texting and calling her constantly. Well by virtue of not being there, I'm by default adhering to every rule on the 180 list. I'm sorry that comes at the expense of my daughters well being but their mom will just need to step in and pick up the slack. I know this hurts them but it really looks like a divorce is coming sooner or later. Also, I'm doing so much better by not being near my wife. I don't want to risk going back to that State and relapsing or something.

 

I have a solid job offer in Thailand, in a city called Chiang Rai. The pay is low but I would be willing to impute my salary in the states to calculate support. I'm not going to deadbeat dad on my kids. I was just walking around with like $200 left in my pocket so I honestly needed that last check.

[BluesPower]

I think this is the first "manly" and realistic thing you have said the entire time you have been posting.

 

I am glad you finally got here. You will be a much better dad once you heal and get your self-respect back.

 

And you know what, the wife may have to be a real parent and not get the spend as much time with her BF as she wants but too bad...

 

You stay strong and stay away from her.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm honestly not in "dad-mode" right now. I've been thinking clearly the last few days and reflecting over the past 18 months and I have been acting like a weak, needy cuckold and I think it has done some real damage on my self-image. I honestly don't know what I was thinking.

 

I finally took a look at the 180 after 18 months and I broke every rule on that list! Even when I left the first time, I was texting and calling her constantly. Well by virtue of not being there, I'm by default adhering to every rule on the 180 list. I'm sorry that comes at the expense of my daughters well being but their mom will just need to step in and pick up the slack. I know this hurts them but it really looks like a divorce is coming sooner or later. Also, I'm doing so much better by not being near my wife. I don't want to risk going back to that State and relapsing or something.

 

I have a solid job offer in Thailand, in a city called Chiang Rai. The pay is low but I would be willing to impute my salary in the states to calculate support. I'm not going to deadbeat dad on my kids. I was just walking around with like $200 left in my pocket so I honestly needed that last check.

 

It isn't really about the $.

 

Right now their Dad just left, and now he's planning on leaving the country too.

 

There isn't a "Dad-mode"

 

You're either a Dad or you're not.

 

You don't have to go home to be a Dad, but there should definitely be solid blocks of time WITH THEM, reassuring them solidly that you WILL BE THERE FOR THEM.

 

Have you ever had a dog?

 

What do you think would happen if you had a dog and then you left to Thailand but sent the dog monetary support? Do you think the dog would be like "oh ARF, he sent extra this month!"

 

No, the dog would pine by the door waiting for you until you either came back or they basically forgot about you.

 

That's kids. You can blah blah about support money and your own happiness to them, but they don't understand that until well into adulthood, if ever. And they'll still resent it.

 

My husband did that stuff, so trust me. I know. The only thing I could do was 110% reassure my daughter that I was there for her 24/7. And that we would be okay.

 

Not only that, we ended up reconciling. And now he's in a private clinic recovering from some work they had to do on his spine. But we prepared our daughter quite a bit for his leaving for FIVE days. You're talking about a permanent relocation away from them altogether without any kind of prep.

 

That's not your wife "picking up the slack." That's you quitting parenting and taking off.

 

Entirely different circumstance than providing stability and being on rotation or something.

 

Are you involved much with your kids as it is?

[howtoproceed]

I have an incredible urge to stalk my wife on FB and see what she's been up to this past week. Maybe because its the weekend.

[Marc878]

This won't help you any. It may lead you to crawling back again.

 

Find something else to do.

[Marc878]

Read up on codependency.

[BuddyX]

I can predict the posts on FB from your wife. Plenty of "I will survive and overcome" quotes BS.

 

Don't waste your time.

[howtoproceed]

It's been 10 days since I left and checked FB for that matter.

My wife just made 1st contact with me.

I want to parse her letter a bit but first point out that she contacted me first.

Last time, i contacted her first so i guess I win?

 

Just wanted to let you know that we have to discuss this before you take off to overseas. You either need to pay the support or we need to have the legal agreement states you don't have to pay for 3 years since you are agree to sign all the marital assets to me. I hope we can settle down this like adults. For the girls' sake, they need to have holidays they deserve.

 

Thanks,

 

She says "you either need to pay support or ...." meaning she isn't 100% certain about divorce. Anyway, she made first contact.

[BluesPower]

Did you agree to sign all marital assets over to her. That sounds a little extreme if you did?

 

And nothing there indicates in any way that she does not want a divorce.

 

Sounds like to me the BF is encouraging her to screw you over like she already has not.

 

I would not agree to that right now at all.

 

And please don't let her use the kids to guilt you into anything, she is the one that broke up the family and the marriage.

[dreamingoftigers]

You really don't "have to" have either one. She means she wants money while you're away and she wants to get some from you.

 

It's interesting that she contacts when she wants something from you, eh?

 

I'd do nothing. She can chase your money if need be.

 

 

Oh come on. He is leaving his kids in the lurch and I can't believe anyone is supporting that.

 

At the VERY LEAST is he's going to run off Like a teenager

He can settle his affairs first.

 

Yes she broke the family but that doesn't end his parenting cold turkey.

 

Frankly, I've been through this betrayal multiple times (yeah, I know) and I never once ditched off my kid.

 

But I've been left in a financial lurch by my husband before, and even just leaving things unsettled caused me to file taxes as separated with no supporting documents. But he also wasn't here to file under married. It screwed up my taxes for THREE YEARS. And I still have to send another round of documents in that were just requested last week.

 

Adulting is hard, but it's still the responsible route to take.

 

It's one thing for your relationship with your wife to incinerate. But you are being VERY CALLOUS about your relationship with your daughters.

 

And they will always remember that. Ask me how I know.

[Grapesofwrath]

There is nothing in her note to you indicating that she does not want a divorce. She is making a demand for financial settlement and she has put forward two options on how to achieve that. There are more legal options available to you. Consult an attorney.

 

Beyond that, I agree with Dreaming. Please do not abandon your children. You are allowing your understandable feelings toward your WW to interfere with your parenting instincts and duties toward your young daughters. They will be forever scarred by this. If you abandon them it will haunt you. There are many many other options available to you besides running to another continent without a word.

 

Look a few years down the line. What kind of father do you want to be?

[BluesPower]

She works, unless I am mistaken, she can support them until he is in his new job. He left all but $500.00 in the account.

 

If she decided to have this kind of affair and put him through what she has put him through, don't you think she should get to work.

 

Seems to me she is the one that did this and she should start living the single mother life that she wanted. That entails working for a living.

 

Am I missing something?

[howtoproceed]

Oh come on. He is leaving his kids in the lurch and I can't believe anyone is supporting that.

 

At the VERY LEAST is he's going to run off Like a teenager

He can settle his affairs first.

 

My mom says the very same thing, which is why and contrary to both what bluespower and S2B advise (and I've come to trust that advice) I'll suggest a separation agreement and pay support. But working overseas is now down to the visa - once I get the correct visa worked out, I can leave.

 

As far as division of assets, I had suggested I sign over everything to her but have no support payments for a set number of years. I don't where she came up with 3 years. I want something like 8 years.

[dreamingoftigers]

There is nothing in her note to you indicating that she does not want a divorce. She is making a demand for financial settlement and she has put forward two options on how to achieve that. There are more legal options available to you. Consult an attorney.

 

Beyond that, I agree with Dreaming. Please do not abandon your children. You are allowing your understandable feelings toward your WW to interfere with your parenting instincts and duties toward your young daughters. They will be forever scarred by this. If you abandon them it will haunt you. There are many many other options available to you besides running to another continent without a word.

 

Look a few years down the line. What kind of father do you want to be?

 

I honestly wonder if he was very involved at all with them.

 

As a woman, if my husband was laissez-faire about the kids, I think that would be enough for me to not take the marriage very seriously. I'm not giving this woman an "out" for her behaviour. She should have left if that the case. But I kept reading OP having blowouts and now he's just uo and going on the kids too. I think that shows a large issue with handling conflict.

 

And he's making the settling even harder with support from the guys on here. Really?

 

Just sign some papers already instead of just dragging things out and making it more difficult for everyone. You know the government is going to go nuts for taxes if you leave everything open-ended and that can affect YOU for years too. Go live your life overseas if you must, but close the chapter if that's the best you can do.

[Grapesofwrath]

She works, unless I am mistaken, she can support them until he is in his new job. He left all but $500.00 in the account.

 

If she decided to have this kind of affair and put him through what she has put him through, don't you think she should get to work.

 

Seems to me she is the one that did this and she should start living the single mother life that she wanted. That entails working for a living.

 

Am I missing something?

 

Yes, you are. Providing financial support for the children is one issue. This is a highly adjudicated area of law. His financial responsibility for them is a matter of arithmetic. Her affair will factor into it depending on where they live and the prevailing laws in that state.

 

We are talking about being a father. Taking off to another continent, regardless of financial issues, is emotionally and mentally damaging to his children. It is selfish. I understand that OP is hurting and that he wants to run as far as he can from the situation. He is a father, however, so that option is not available to him. He is going to have to be an adult about this and deal with it in a way that protects his children to the maximum extent possible.

[howtoproceed]

We are talking about being a father. Taking off to another continent, regardless of financial issues, is emotionally and mentally damaging to his children. It is selfish.

 

It is damaging to the girls but they will recover and I'll still see them. Plus this ***** happens all the time in America. Two out of three of our most recent 3 presidents came from broken homes.

 

It is selfish but I've been doing this pick-me dance for the past 18 months so this selfishness is balancing things out.

 

Maybe it will change but I'm not even feeling a single twinge of guilt and I'm usually the first person to feel guilty about things. I'm just really excited to go and honestly, I want to meet a much younger woman and plaster it all over FB see, I'm not really thinking about my girls but I will provide support.

[Bittersweetie]

It is damaging to the girls but they will recover and I'll still see them. Plus this ***** happens all the time in America. Two out of three of our most recent 3 presidents came from broken homes.

 

It is selfish but I've been doing this pick-me dance for the past 18 months so this selfishness is balancing things out.

 

Maybe it will change but I'm not even feeling a single twinge of guilt and I'm usually the first person to feel guilty about things. I'm just really excited to go and honestly, I want to meet a much younger woman and plaster it all over FB see, I'm not really thinking about my girls but I will provide support.

 

Proceed, I am on your side. You definitely are making the right choice by pursuing a divorce. However, the bolded statements above reek of justifications. When you tell yourself something to make your behavior acceptable. I know because I did it. And it's a rabbit hole...please be careful.

[Grapesofwrath]

It is damaging to the girls but they will recover and I'll still see them. Plus this ***** happens all the time in America. Two out of three of our most recent 3 presidents came from broken homes.

 

It is selfish but I've been doing this pick-me dance for the past 18 months so this selfishness is balancing things out.

 

Maybe it will change but I'm not even feeling a single twinge of guilt and I'm usually the first person to feel guilty about things. I'm just really excited to go and honestly, I want to meet a much younger woman and plaster it all over FB see, I'm not really thinking about my girls but I will provide support.

 

The bolded statement is accurate. The rest is, as Bittersweetie points out, a series of justifications. It is one thing to come from a family of divorce. It's another to be abandoned by your father. I am divorced. It was difficult for my kids, but they have adjusted. BECAUSE THEIR FATHER HAS BEEN A PRESENT GUIDING FORCE IN THEIR LIVES. I provided him with financial support as the law required, but that didn't change our roles and responsibilities as parents.

 

You seem to lump your daughters and your wife together as one entity against which you are rebelling. This does not speak well of you at all, OP. Again, you have my sympathy for the pain you are experiencing by your wife's infidelity. But her cheating and your daugher's need for a father are two entirely separate things.

[dreamingoftigers]

She works, unless I am mistaken, she can support them until he is in his new job. He left all but $500.00 in the account.

 

If she decided to have this kind of affair and put him through what she has put him through, don't you think she should get to work.

 

Seems to me she is the one that did this and she should start living the single mother life that she wanted. That entails working for a living.

 

Am I missing something?

 

The PARENTING portion of the whole thing.

 

Abandoning your kids isn't okay. Just treating them like the occasional phone call and cheque sent out IS NOT OKAY.

 

It is particularly damaging to young people and they often grow up believing it is their fault.

 

My generation had a ton of divorces go down, and more often then not the parents botched it in one way or another. I've seen the effects in stereo. He's already done some damage, I am sure. But now he's compounding it by just up and disappearing, and now going overseas.

 

On top of it, he hasn't settled anything which is going to be just insane, as anyone who has been suddenly left knows.

 

And you can bet that Mom's extra stress is going to go all over the little ones, and they don't have Dad to turn to now. Awesome!

[dreamingoftigers]

My mom says the very same thing, which is why and contrary to both what bluespower and S2B advise (and I've come to trust that advice) I'll suggest a separation agreement and pay support. But working overseas is now down to the visa - once I get the correct visa worked out, I can leave.

 

Good for your Mom and good to listen to her!

 

As far as division of assets, I had suggested I sign over everything to her but have no support payments for a set number of years. I don't where she came up with 3 years. I want something like 8 years.

 

Try to see an attorney about that. You don't want to sign everything over and then have to pay a significant amount of support on top of that (depending on the assets).