Mateguarding - When does it end? [update: What to make of this?]

[howtoproceed]

Cheating is pretty common. You need to get over thinking you're special even if it feels unique to you it isn't.

 

Cheater talk and cheater logic! 50% of marriages end in divorce but that doesn't mean 50% of married men or women cheat. Among women, its like 30% so I just grabbed the s_hi_t end of the stick when I picked my cheating wife. I never mentioned it, but her dad and one of her aunts cheated and I remember them - a long time ago! - talking and laughing about it like it was nothing. My parents never cheater. The ironic thing is, her parents stayed married until her mom died and my very Catholic and monogamous parents divorced.

 

Anyway, cheating is far from normal and may or may not have anything to do with divorce. It never occurred to me to cheat - not until now that is! Cause technically it would be cheating if I go to China and "hook up" with a 35 y/o Zheijiang hottie. But still, it is different.

[CommittedToThis]

To her I am merely a blip on their radar.

 

You're starting to sound like the OP now, validating your actions by de-emphasizing the damage you've caused. You are not a blip. You are one of several reasons her marriage is shot.

[MadJackBird]

Cheater talk and cheater logic! 50% of marriages end in divorce but that doesn't mean 50% of married men or women cheat. Among women, its like 30% so I just grabbed the s_hi_t end of the stick when I picked my cheating wife. I never mentioned it, but her dad and one of her aunts cheated and I remember them - a long time ago! - talking and laughing about it like it was nothing. My parents never cheater. The ironic thing is, her parents stayed married until her mom died and my very Catholic and monogamous parents divorced.

 

Anyway, cheating is far from normal and may or may not have anything to do with divorce. It never occurred to me to cheat - not until now that is! Cause technically it would be cheating if I go to China and "hook up" with a 35 y/o Zheijiang hottie. But still, it is different.

 

It actually it is not any different and if you hook up with a Chinese woman before your divorce is finalized it makes you a cheater. Like your wife. If you are already talking to them now it means you are committing emotional adultery.

 

You realize you are on an infidelidity forum right. Everyone here has likely been the victim of adultery? No one here is invalidating how you are feeling, all of us get it. We really do. In this your situation is not special. Your story sounds just like mine and so many others. All you need to do is read around this very forum and see that cheating and cheating by women is common place. There is a great deal of wealth of knowledge in here. The majority of people are questioning your decisions in regards to your kids. Because guess what. Most of the people here have kids as well. And we have gone through the same thing you are going through in regards of how to balance the devastation of being a victim of adultry and yet at the same time being strong for our innocent kids.

 

I know what you are going through because I went through it myself. I stood by my former wife through multiple adulteries, drug addictions etc. and she married her last adultry partner. The only way I got through it all was support of friends. A good councellor and a divorce care support group.

 

Please seek out IC.

[howtoproceed]

I agree with you on the knowledge in the site. Everything I was warned about happened - I just wish I caught it sooner.

 

Here is some information I just got from a lawyer though. True, I should not have attempted R with a woman who would only go so far as to describe her affair as a mistake; a woman who has not once apologized for anything she did. When I found out, she was 8 months from getting her LPN and if I left at that time and withdrew support, maybe she wouldn't have finished as quickly and filed for divorce as an unemployed SAHM with no career options. THAT would have cost me. So for all the great advice, turns out I was wise to stay just maybe I stayed about 4 months too long.

 

I disagree with this though:

It actually it is not any different and if you hook up with a Chinese woman before your divorce is finalized it makes you a cheater. Like your wife. If you are already talking to them now it means you are committing emotional adultery.

 

I'm sure you have heard the argument: she broke the contract so the conditions no longer apply. I said this before and I'll say it again: I'm not looking to hookup. If I meet someone that I feel a real attraction to, I will look into it. I'm not talking about a revenge affair. I just want to see whats out there and available to me on my income and my age. Its surprisingly nice! And for what its worth, its helping me through this.

[eye of the storm]

You're starting to sound like the OP now, validating your actions by de-emphasizing the damage you've caused. You are not a blip. You are one of several reasons her marriage is shot.

 

I say I'm a blip because to her I'm not important. The only distinction I have to her is I am the only one he asked her for a divorce over. But just like all the others, as soon as she moved back in with him...he fell back into line. It is their dynamic. She knew about me for a long time and didn't care until it impacted her. When she moved in with him she admitted he had left his account unlocked one night and she found out about me years ago. While it no longer is my problem, if they follow habits, when she is sure I'm gone she will move back to her home. He will start grooming his next OW and life for them will go on.

 

Their marriage isn't shot. I wasn't important enough to damage it. It hurts to think that. But it is the truth.

[eye of the storm]

HtP, I've had BSs ask how I could go from a BS to an OW. Well, after an ugly split from someone you thought you loved and someone you were loyal to...Sometimes you can get pretty screwed up in the head.

 

I understand the appeal of the young women you are chatting with. After what you have been thru, its soothing to have people want you. When your spouse has an A you feel pretty undesirable.

 

I'm not saying don't talk to them. I agree, your M is over and you are moving on. You have filed, its over. Just waiting for the paperwork.

 

But I will tell you to be careful. You are injured. Predators sense injured people and take advantage. It was probably how my A started. But for you, it might be someone looking for a sugardaddy.

[Mz. Pixie]

Cheater talk and cheater logic! 50% of marriages end in divorce but that doesn't mean 50% of married men or women cheat. Among women, its like 30% so I just grabbed the s_hi_t end of the stick when I picked my cheating wife. I never mentioned it, but her dad and one of her aunts cheated and I remember them - a long time ago! - talking and laughing about it like it was nothing. My parents never cheater. The ironic thing is, her parents stayed married until her mom died and my very Catholic and monogamous parents divorced.

 

Anyway, cheating is far from normal and may or may not have anything to do with divorce. It never occurred to me to cheat - not until now that is! Cause technically it would be cheating if I go to China and "hook up" with a 35 y/o Zheijiang hottie. But still, it is different.

 

Blah, blah, blah. What you're not getting is that her actions towards you do not justify your actions towards your innocent children. This is not about you. It's about them at this point.

 

But you go ahead Mr Know it All.

 

Her cheating on you does not and will not justify what you're doing. You can sing it till the cows come home. And no doubt you will as you've determined yourself to be the perpetual victim here.

[merrmeade]

Htp, whew! What just happened? Not sure I understand why this war of words and morality got so vitriolic, but I don't think any real listening is going on.

 

I'll just throw in my take on it. All we really know is that you're having an intense reaction to the impotent, groveling role you were playing to your WW (in your case: WitchWife). You've done a 180 degree flip and the anger and bitterness are spewing out like a volcanic eruption.

 

And speaking of degrees... I looked at a world map just now and, depending on where your home is - er, was - China is pretty much 180 degrees away in longitude either direction. In other words, you couldn't get further away going east or west.

 

Now, I don't judge the extreme reaction or blame you. You were completely cowed by a controlling, ego-gorged demoness. Plus infidelity is crazy-making and looks different in each case. So I don't really judge or take anything you say you're going to do right now as permanent, character-defining or blame-worthy. Normally I would find this story of waking up enraged one day and running off to China to salve your ego with an Asian hottie somewhere between sad and hilarious (with pathos).

 

However, I think if we'd been talking one on one as events progressed, I might have asked what you think you'll do about your children - WITHOUT PRESSURE. If it was clear to me that you were unable to handle anything but getting away from this situation immediately, I would try to suggest at the right time that you might at least set a date to think about how and when to reconnect with your kids.

 

Not now, but you might really regret it if you wait too long. Maybe you have no intention of being away for years. But I think they'd have a hard time forgiving you if they ended up growing up without you. Plus, don't think for a minute that your wife won't denigrate you to them.

 

So I'll say it again: I understand. But I also encourage you to set a date for yourself to think about how you will resume your parental responsibilities.

 

P.S. What about Alaska or Hawaii? Somewhere English-speaking with good therapists that could help you purge the witch from your system in healthy ways. I'm not sure that dealing with the aftermath of infidelity AND culture shock at the same time without emotional support is such a great idea.

 

Good luck, htp. You need to heal.

[Mz. Pixie]

What I find interesting is that this seems to be more accepted because the poster is male.

 

If he were female saying he was bailing on his children and going to another country because of the same reasons well a mob would be breaking out.

 

Actually we can take these actions as indicative of his character because if you've read the entire thread he's also bailed on another set of kids.

 

Once you become a parent the world doesn't revolve around you and your needs anymore nor do you stop being a parent because you're butt hurt

 

His obligation to those children doesn't stop because his wife had an affair. That's not their fault. And he's punishing them for her crime.

[merrmeade]

What I find interesting is that this seems to be more accepted because the poster is male.

 

If he were female saying he was bailing on his children and going to another country because of the same reasons well a mob would be breaking out.

 

Actually we can take these actions as indicative of his character because if you've read the entire thread he's also bailed on another set of kids.

 

Once you become a parent the world doesn't revolve around you and your needs anymore nor do you stop being a parent because you're butt hurt

 

His obligation to those children doesn't stop because his wife had an affair. That's not their fault. And he's punishing them for her crime.

I agree about the double standard, but he is not able to hear it right now and it's having the opposite effect.

[Mz. Pixie]

Agreed. Sad for his kids.

[dreamingoftigers]

Mz Pixie, I am normally in the be a human and take care of your children camp. The thought of leaving my kids...I don't know how people do it. (I do leave for 6-12 months occasionally for work but it is never my choice)

 

The only reason I stated for him to take off is, in his case, I think he will do less damage to his children by leaving than by staying and using them as weapons and pawns in his campaign to hurt his xW.

 

I was just thinking what would damage them less and advice on how to do that.

 

Yes, he should get therapy. And yes he should do whatever it takes to stick around. But all he can focus on is hurting his xW and using the children to do that.

 

By his leaving his children and xW can find a peaceful place and move on.

 

I do think its a bit funny that he was touting my advice as so amazing since he was so crappy to Grapes of Wrath for being an OW...seeing as I was one too.

 

If it's really so damaging for him to stick around, then he could easily haul his butt into counseling to make sure he's doing whatever it takes to NOT BE DAMAGING.

 

And to adjust to his life's changing circumstances.

 

But he's been pretty clear he would rather hit the escape hatch and call everyone who disagrees with him "judgmental" which is ironic, because he's being judgmental.

[dreamingoftigers]

The advice was good and your reasoning about doing the least damage to my children and myself included is spot on. However the fact that you are a cheater on the one hand and then on the other advise therapy for issues caused by cheating irritates me. It's like a drunk driver advising the rest of us to take on more automobile coverage. I'll just leave you with this thought: they is at least one person that hates you a whole lot more than you can ever imagine no matter what the look on their face and will mark the day you die with a smile.

 

@Mz_Pixie

 

I was trying to decide what the stupidest thing you said in your latest self righteous rant and I decided on this:

 

 

 

Most normal people don't cheat and especially normal women so the situation I'm in is not normal to begin with.

 

Whether or not "most normal people cheat" doesn't decide what "most normal parents do."

 

Again, removing yourself as a spouse doesn't give you a relatively blank cheque as a parent.

 

If your spouse is completely dysfunctional and causing grievous emotional injury to others, then it's EVEN MORE Important to stay as a present, decent, sane, consistent emotional supportive parent for your daughters.

 

If you are having trouble coping with that, then it would be time to seek counseling to help you through that.

 

Leaving your daughters behind and causing even MORE of a injury in that manner is frankly, reckless and damaging.

 

Again, because you brought your daughters into the world, they should absolutely be your #1. Not China. Not Chinese young women, not whatever fantasy escape you have going for you at the moment.

 

Frankly, I don't think it's going to work for you the way that you think it will beyond a few months.

 

Betrayal is a hard enough pill to swallow, rebuilding is a challenge. But coming to term with the fact that you left your own children in the lurch and have taken off on them, I can't imagine how that is going to feel later on. I think you'll only be able to deflect the blame for so long.

[dreamingoftigers]

Cheater talk and cheater logic! 50% of marriages end in divorce but that doesn't mean 50% of married men or women cheat. Among women, its like 30% so I just grabbed the s_hi_t end of the stick when I picked my cheating wife. I never mentioned it, but her dad and one of her aunts cheated and I remember them - a long time ago! - talking and laughing about it like it was nothing. My parents never cheater. The ironic thing is, her parents stayed married until her mom died and my very Catholic and monogamous parents divorced.

 

Anyway, cheating is far from normal and may or may not have anything to do with divorce. It never occurred to me to cheat - not until now that is! Cause technically it would be cheating if I go to China and "hook up" with a 35 y/o Zheijiang hottie. But still, it is different.

 

Yes, cheating sucks beyond anything I have experienced otherwise in my entire life.

 

But you would be surprised how common it is.

 

I believe it to be a form of abuse frankly.

 

A large part of why I can't imagine you would leave your children with someone the role-models that type of abuse with no opposing way of showing how to be.

 

And yes. 30% of women being cheaters makes it sadly pretty effing common.

 

I understand the mechanics behind it but I do not understand at all HOW people can actually go through it and sit across the breakfast table from their spouses acting like they don't give a F.

 

So how do people successfully navigate through it?

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree with you on the knowledge in the site. Everything I was warned about happened - I just wish I caught it sooner.

 

Here is some information I just got from a lawyer though. True, I should not have attempted R with a woman who would only go so far as to describe her affair as a mistake; a woman who has not once apologized for anything she did. When I found out, she was 8 months from getting her LPN and if I left at that time and withdrew support, maybe she wouldn't have finished as quickly and filed for divorce as an unemployed SAHM with no career options. THAT would have cost me. So for all the great advice, turns out I was wise to stay just maybe I stayed about 4 months too long.

 

I disagree with this though:

 

 

I'm sure you have heard the argument: she broke the contract so the conditions no longer apply. I said this before and I'll say it again: I'm not looking to hookup. If I meet someone that I feel a real attraction to, I will look into it. I'm not talking about a revenge affair. I just want to see whats out there and available to me on my income and my age. Its surprisingly nice! And for what its worth, its helping me through this.

 

I agree with you on the broken contract.

[Noirek]

Now I'm not a law expert and I realize they vary state to state, country to country. But if someone bails on their children during the divorce and what could become custody hearings and spousal support disputes and all that legal stuff, Isn't that going to really come back to bite them? I mean where I live a guy moved a province away and didn't make it back for the court case where his ex was seeking more spousal support and she got everything she asked for because he showed a "lack of caring" (i heard this from her so I am not 100% on the validity)

[Noirek]

I agree with you on the broken contract.

 

I don't. Unless one wants to look at marriage as business arrangment only or a tit for tat game. You could use that for any of the vows than. However. Since divorce proceedings take forever in some places I think it is a stretch to call it cheating when the couples have verbalized it is over and are living as such just because they are waiting for legalities. If a bs is living with their ws and has not said the marriage is over and they sleep with someone, it is cheating.

[dreamingoftigers]

Blah, blah, blah. What you're not getting is that her actions towards you do not justify your actions towards your innocent children. This is not about you. It's about them at this point.

 

But you go ahead Mr Know it All.

 

Her cheating on you does not and will not justify what you're doing. You can sing it till the cows come home. And no doubt you will as you've determined yourself to be the perpetual victim here.

 

Doing the absolute legal minimum for one's children because one was cheated doesn't track very well logically.

 

It's like claiming one isn't held to do beyond the minimum legal requirement for one's own responsibility because they were cheated on.

 

"The utility company can take me to collections, whatever. I don't have to pay MY OWN utility bill because I was cheated on."

 

"I don't have to shower anymore because I was cheated on. I talked to my lawyer about it."

 

"I did the legal minimum butt-wiping. Don't judge me, I was cheated on. Being cheated on isn't normal."

 

Yes, you may not be "legally required" to take care of yourself and your responsibilities. But don't be surprised it if you lack of effort is found to be wholly unacceptable to people that do lay their utility bills, shower and wipe their own butts.

 

Now I'm not a law expert and I realize they vary state to state, country to country. But if someone bails on their children during the divorce and what could become custody hearings and spousal support disputes and all that legal stuff, Isn't that going to really come back to bite them? I mean where I live a guy moved a province away and didn't make it back for the court case where his ex was seeking more spousal support and she got everything she asked for because he showed a "lack of caring" (i heard this from her so I am not 100% on the validity)

 

This ^^^^

 

And the kids will of course know he didn't show for them. Sad.

[eye of the storm]

Maybe I gave unpopular advice (or bad advice) because I frequently feel it might have been healthier for my kids to have had no contact with their dad during the separation until he got his head back on straight. He was so angry and bitter and vindictive and he bathed the kids in it. It still hurts to think about it. Or maybe I just wanted him to disappear so I didn't have to have so much rubbed in my face.

 

I do think you should never bail on your kids. There was a time I lived in a crap hole and ate ramin when the kids weren't home because that was all I could afford. Peanut butter was the only protein I could afford. I worked 4 jobs to pay for the kids and myself. I never walked away from them. It was not an option that even crossed my mind. I couldn't have. They were the only reason I had to live. They kept me alive.

 

So, I didn't give him a pass because he is male. I gave him a pass to leave because I would have worked a 5th job to make the bitterness infecting my children leave.

 

But you are all right. If he were any kind of father, he would get into therapy. Refocus on his children and getting them thru this ugliness. Figure out his issues. Heal, learn, grow, and have a great relationship with his children.

 

But if he can't or won't do that. Then from my experience. Leave. Take your bitterness and go.

[howtoproceed]

@merrmeade

 

I'll just throw in my take on it. All we really know is that you're having an intense reaction to the impotent, groveling role you were playing to your WW (in your case: WitchWife). You've done a 180 degree flip and the anger and bitterness are spewing out like a volcanic eruption.

 

The intense reaction you mention seems as real as the Hysterical Bonding, which was definitely real. Imediately after I discovered the texts, like within a few hours, I took my crying wife into the bedroom and we started having sex 3 times per day. Maybe the anger is physiological as well. I mean I've been angry about the affir for 18 months but only since I left have I become angry about the "impotent and groveling" role I have played, as you call it. Now I'm angry about that as well.

 

@noriek

 

Now I'm not a law expert and I realize they vary state to state, country to country. But if someone bails on their children during the divorce and what could become custody hearings and spousal support disputes and all that legal stuff, Isn't that going to really come back to bite them? I mean where I live a guy moved a province away and didn't make it back for the court case where his ex was seeking more spousal support and she got everything she asked for because he showed a "lack of caring" (i heard this from her so I am not 100% on the validity)

 

My lawyer knows I left and he did not say one word about it - not a one. Of course, I left and then called a lawyer so who knows what he would have advised. It seems to be more of an issue on this site than in the legal community. I can see how missing a hearing could mess me up but if I'm sending support and they know where I am and I told them I was leaving, it isn't abandonment.

[SoleMate]

I'm sending support and they know where I am and I told them I was leaving, it isn't abandonment.

Legally, perhaps you're right according to the laws of your state. The law doesn't and can't demand that you show love, affection, emotional caring, or parental attention. It typically demands the bare minimum: adequate calories in the mouth, clothes on the back, roof over head, access to a school, and do not leave them in the custody of a felony sex offender or force them to work in a coal mine or at a deli slicing meat. See http://www.ndaa.org/pdf/ncpca_statute_child_neglect_abandonment_3_07.pdf

 

According to law, you DON'T ever need to:

• Tell your child you love them
  
• Read them a story
  
• Ask how they are
  
• Help with their homework
  
• Listen to them
  
• Hug them
  
• Hold a birthday party
  
• Give them gifts
  
• Take them to a sports event, party, concert or picnic
  
• Celebrate holidays
  
• Allow them access to bikes, balls, bats, board games, books
  
• Let them have friends over to the house
  
• Help them develop goals, morality, ethics
  
• Help them learn about the world and how to interact with people
  
• Teach them to show affection to their family and friends
  
• Talk to them
  
• See them
  
• etc. etc.
  

 

Would the same thing be OK for your wife as far as you're concerned? Can she just say "I'm leaving, I'll be in Bali re-enacting 'Eat, Pray, Love', the monthly minimum payment will be deposited at the bank"? From the airport? After dropping the kids off at a babysitter that they realize after the fact will become their only caregiver for an uncertain future?

 

If just adhering to the legal required minimum of parental "care" is your goal, that's your right. It is also an incredibly cruel and downright evil choice. Someone making the choice for emotional neglect and emotional abandonment is being a worse parent than many physical abusers. So don't go waving a "I meet the minimum legal requirement for parenting that keeps me out of jail" flag, few things could be more revolting.

 

BTW, Chinese culture is very family-oriented.

Edited November 24, 2016 by SoleMate

[howtoproceed]

Would the same thing be OK for your wife as far as you're concerned? Can she just say "I'm leaving, I'll be in Bali re-enacting 'Eat, Pray, Love', the monthly minimum payment will be deposited at the bank"? From the airport? After dropping the kids off at a babysitter that they realize after the fact will become their only caregiver for an uncertain future?

 

I'm tempted to say that my kids could come with me and leave it at that but it would be a lie. First of all, and I said it at least once, lying, cheating s_lu_t that she is, my wife is also a loving mom. Somehow, I'm not surprised. I bet the biggest narcissists are also most loving of their kids. Its probably like looking in a mirror or something. Second, my daughters wouldn't want to go. Third, it just wouldn't be practical. The best and honest answer here is that the day she invited a man into our bed and s_u_c_k_ed his d_i_c_k, she lost the right to run off to Bali and handed me the license to run off to China. It starts like this:

"She should have thought of that before ......." and you can finish the sentence.

 

If just adhering to the legal required minimum of parental "care" is your goal, that's your right. It is also an incredibly cruel and downright evil choice. Someone making the choice for emotional neglect and emotional abandonment is being a worse parent than many physical abusers. So don't go waving a "I meet the minimum legal requirement for parenting that keeps me out of jail" flag, few things could be more revolting.

 

You are overstating so much here its like you are drawing a caricature of me and insisting its an accurate representation of how I look. I just want to point out that calling my decision to leave a cheating s_lu_t after 18 mnths of false R an "evil" act is just too much, even for someone prone to exaggeration.

 

BTW, Chinese culture is very family-oriented.

 

Well thank God! Maybe I'll meet a real woman instead of some cheating and lying trash barrel wh_o_re who is always on the prowl for something better.

[BluesPower]

Guys - I don't say that he is right in leaving and staying away.

 

I am saying this: he is really in no shape to be around his wife and kids right now. He really made some mistakes dealing with everything from the start.

 

But that is water under the bridge right now. Maybe he should not have left the way that he did, but this man has just really been put through the ringer.

 

I mean, have you read everything that his wife has done? He has to get his head together. No man, or anyone, should be put through what he has been put through.

 

I just think that everyone cannot deal with these types of circumstances.

 

I stayed and kept my family together through some horrible stuff. It finally led to me having a stroke. I literally could have died. We got to the hospital fast enough that I was able to fully recover. But had I been by myself, I could have died.

 

I have been through some stuff. If OP has to get away for a while I say do it. I am not saying that he should stay away forever. But a year is not going to kill the kids or anyone else.

 

Is it possible that we could lighten up on him a little?

 

And if I am off base, well you can roast me if you need to.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm tempted to say that my kids could come with me and leave it at that but it would be a lie. First of all, and I said it at least once, lying, cheating s_lu_t that she is, my wife is also a loving mom. Somehow, I'm not surprised. I bet the biggest narcissists are also most loving of their kids. Its probably like looking in a mirror or something.

 

I am the child of a narcissistic father. My mother was the child of a narcissistic father as well. They ARE NOT the most loving and it typically causes (if unchecked) lifelong damage. Most narcissists can't engage with their children on any meaningful level and often expect the kids to meet THEIR needs.

 

Second, my daughters wouldn't want to go. Third, it just wouldn't be practical.

 

That's why you stay near them and PARENT. You find something reasonably close. You were (are?) obviously working before and could provide that stability to them. Since they are minors, your influence is just that, influential.

 

But I honestly see eye of the storm's point. If you would only be around to be vindictive or information-gathering about their mother, then of course they would feel like they have nothing other to offer YOU.

 

The best and honest answer here is that the day she invited a man into our bed and s_u_c_k_ed his d_i_c_k, she lost the right to run off to Bali and handed me the license to run off to China.

 

NO, she handed you the license to leave the marriage without any debate, discussion or marital counseling etc.

 

No one "gave you the license" to run out on your children. Your kids DIDN'T CHEAT ON YOU.

 

It starts like this:

"She should have thought of that before ......." and you can finish the sentence.

 

So, it was up to your daughters to stop her from cheating?

Because they are the ones who lose a father for it. Your wife doesn't care about "losing a husband." She threw you away with both hands and hasn't asked for you back. In fact, the only thing your leaving to China does it reinforce to your wife that she was right to disrespect your relationship.

 

And only shows your daughters that they weren't worth trying to be a Dad for.

 

You are overstating so much here its like you are drawing a caricature of me and insisting its an accurate representation of how I look. I just want to point out that calling my decision to leave a cheating s_lu_t after 18 mnths of false R an "evil" act is just too much, even for someone prone to exaggeration.

 

Not a single person is knocking you leaving your wife.

Not a single one.

Refusing co-parenting and leaving your children behind with the absolute minimum support with alternating holidays "maybe" is what everyone on the thread since is commenting on. Leaving YOUR CHILDREN.

 

And THAT is VILE.

 

Not your "cock-sarking wife's" children.

Not "some other guy's" children.

YOUR CHILDREN.

 

Well thank God! Maybe I'll meet a real woman instead of some cheating and lying trash barrel wh_o_re who is always on the prowl for something better.

 

Women who are family-oriented look at the man they want and see if he is family-oriented or full of hot air.

 

It sounds like you have already decided to dump off the second set of children.

 

Only a very foolish woman would volunteer to have the third set. More likely, one that ISN'T actually family-oriented would volunteer for the role and just not care that much about you or the kids.

[dreamingoftigers]

Guys - I don't say that he is right in leaving and staying away.

 

I am saying this: he is really in no shape to be around his wife and kids right now. He really made some mistakes dealing with everything from the start.

 

But that is water under the bridge right now. Maybe he should not have left the way that he did, but this man has just really been put through the ringer.

 

I mean, have you read everything that his wife has done? He has to get his head together. No man, or anyone, should be put through what he has been put through.

 

I just think that everyone cannot deal with these types of circumstances.

 

I stayed and kept my family together through some horrible stuff. It finally led to me having a stroke. I literally could have died. We got to the hospital fast enough that I was able to fully recover. But had I been by myself, I could have died.

 

I have been through some stuff. If OP has to get away for a while I say do it. I am not saying that he should stay away forever. But a year is not going to kill the kids or anyone else.

 

Is it possible that we could lighten up on him a little?

 

And if I am off base, well you can roast me if you need to.

 

That first year would be when the kids would be the most damaged.

 

If he left for a year and they started making some headway, and then he popped back like "surprise, Daddy actually cares" that will confuse the s*** out of them.

 

NO ONE is saying he has to be around HIS WIFE right now. Jeepers. I can't be the only one on this forum who has the internet.

 

There are TONS of family scheduling programs or even GOING THROUGH a mutual relative / friend for dropoffs / pickups.

 

No one is saying "take more abuse."

 

We are saying, "don't abuse your kids by tossing them aside."