Mateguarding - When does it end? [update: What to make of this?]

[merrmeade]

My xH committed "financial infidelity," as they say. I was the sole breadwinner for the last 6 years of our marriage. He amassed mountains of debt without my knowledge. I naively signed multiple papers over the years, especially when I was bleary-eyed from caring for a newborn and toddler. These forms removed my name from the deed of our house, opened lines of credit, and established a second mortgage. I absolutely should have read what I was signing, but I trusted him blindly and didn't find out about any of this until we were in mediation for divorce. I was blindsided and had to declare bankruptcy. I lost my house, my car, my good credit, and half of my belongings, which were not many after years of living on a spartan budget while my exH drained our savings chasing one ridiculous business scheme after another. All this while working fulltime and raising two beautiful children that I adore while he smoked weed and slept on the couch.

 

In his defense, he never cheated on me. So there's that.

 

In any case, as the sole breadwinner, I was assigned spousal support. He had no means of support and hadn't earned any money in years. (He still struggles to keep a job, but the time limit on the support has expired, so this is no longer my problem.) I live in a no-fault state. My EA did not hurt my position. His financial irresponsibility did not hurt his. We just split down the middle what precious little was left, then I had to pay him $2K a month for half the duration of the marriage.

 

This experience was one of the most humiliating, painful, and stressful episodes of my life. But it made me stronger. I am now stable financally, have re-established my credit, and am much more savvy about financial matters. I have never spent one minute regretting my choice to divorce. I was terrified of what it would do to my children. Turns out they are wonderful, loving boys and I hear from their coaches/teachers/friends parents only that they are young gentlemen who show leadership, a work ethic, and loving compassion to the world.

I just couldn't let this go by without saying something. I'm amazed that all that could happen in one lifetime along with your financial and emotional recovery.

[S2B]

It is damaging to the girls but they will recover and I'll still see them. Plus this ***** happens all the time in America. Two out of three of our most recent 3 presidents came from broken homes.

 

It is selfish but I've been doing this pick-me dance for the past 18 months so this selfishness is balancing things out.

 

Maybe it will change but I'm not even feeling a single twinge of guilt and I'm usually the first person to feel guilty about things. I'm just really excited to go and honestly, I want to meet a much younger woman and plaster it all over FB see, I'm not really thinking about my girls but I will provide support.

 

If you abandon your girls this way, by moving far away, it will negatively affect them for the rest of their lives -likely...and that's not worth the risk of moving far away.

 

I think you need a reasonable plan B.

[aileD]

CommittedToThis and Madjackbird,

 

Thank you for the insightful comments and we seem to agree that FB is best avoided. I'm going overseas though but it turns out not to Thailand but to Ningbo China. It's better money. The reason I can't go back and get an apartment near my daughters is because I'm sure she would very quickly find herself a new man. She does that and fast, especially if money is a concern. She will extract resources and now she's working in an "alpha" environment and showing all the signs of recently being on the prowl. I 100% am convinced she met someone she doesn't want me to meet and that's why she excluded me from her birthday party.

 

That the **** does that have to do with you living near your kids?

 

The marriage is over. Who cares if she gets a new guy? Who cares what she does anymore?

 

It's not about YOU and your feelings, it's about your children having a goddamn father.

 

I am so frustrated with you right now.

 

SUCK IT UP. She doesnt love you, Now you can forget all the drama and focus your energy on your kids who are going to need it. And what do you do? move across the world. *rips hair out*

 

Go be with your kids

[Jersey born raised]

At this point I suggest you look at yourself in the mirror. It is not a pretty picture. You are all over the place. Now running away to china and leaving your children in the dust???

 

You are a mess. Get into IC and get your act together and stop the pity party.

Start dealing in reality. If someone is offering you a high paying job in first in Thailand and then China you must be good at your job. Get a job in the states! Stay close!

 

What does your wife see when she looks at you?

 

Read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

[frogss29]

If your wife is such a drop kick, maybe she would be happy for you to take your kids overseas with you.

[howtoproceed]

Some of these comments are so depressing and self righteous it makes me want to vomit. They are like excerpts from Dark Night of my Soul or something. Take this comment:

 

SUCK IT UP. She doesnt love you, Now you can forget all the drama and focus your energy on your kids who are going to need it. And what do you do? move across the world. *rips hair out*

 

As if the past 18 month ordeal and suffereing has been just to prepare me for a greater good and self-sacrifice. And if my ex-wife just happens to drive by in her new doctor-boyfriend's Corvette, why should I care? We are divorced now and besides, I'd have the girls to sacrifice for and in return, they's be a comfort for me. Is that what the opposite of weak is? Its strong to be self-sacrificing and not care if your s_lu_t wife got over on you? I sure didn't work myself up to leave just to go back and help out with the kids.

 

Yes, I'm moving across the world and part of it is just like I said - divorced or not, I could not handle seeing my wife with a new man just yet and I want to get away. Part of it is I can get a younger woman in China than here - I won't lie. I want another woman! She probably already has another interest. But the biggest part is satisfaction in knowing she has to cook, clean, get the girls to choir, girl-scouts and 10,000 other things I used to help with and she has to do so with the legal minimum of support from me. In the past, I would do most of the cooking, much cleaning, other chores and my paychecks (both of them) were deposited directly into her account. Now she needs to do all that and count pennies.

 

For today though, my goal is to stay off FB and find a divorce lawyer that would accept a $1,000 retainer.

[OneLov]

I take back the comment giving you the benefit of the doubt. Legal minimum support and running away to China?!? Wow. Talk about punishing your kids. I'm truly embarrassed that I ever thought you were a "good" guy caught in a "bad" situation. I'm sorry for your kids. They deserve a father, not an insecure man that tries to stick it to his STBX by allowing his children to become collateral damage. Wow. I'm sorry LS and his children, I wish I could delete that comment:(:sick:

[howtoproceed]

I'm truly embarrassed that I ever thought you were a "good" guy caught in a "bad" situation. I'm sorry for your kids.

 

I wish you people would make up your minds!

 

First, I am a weak and virtual cuckold without self-esteem because I stayed with a cheating wife and I'm advised to leave. Now that I left, I'm a total SOB for not thinking about the kids. There is no winning, is there?

 

I've had an 18 mnth ordeal and now I've had 12 days to think about it and the more I think about it, the angrier I get. What was I thinking? I can't believe I ever put up with that and for so long.

 

Oh I am going to run so far and stay away for so long and she should have thought about that before she sucked some guys dick in my bed and then gaslighted me about it. This is on her not me.

[MadJackBird]

Who cares if she is going to get another man. She probably already has one, and he is going to go to the soccer games, band concerts and kids birthday parties, and you'll be in China... Do you want that?

 

The best situation for your kids is to be near them and involved in their life. Your best financial situation is to have as much parenting time as you can because you will pay less child support. Shared care is normal and if she makes more money then you she will owe you child support.

 

How is going half way across the world a good idea. Even staying put 14 hours away is a better idea. You could work out that maybe you could have summer's and holidays with them.

 

Do you want to be around your kids?

 

Please re-read my post above. And answer the question in BOLD.

 

Based on your answer to that question I think we can give you the best advice moving forward. Maybe a lot of people (including myself) assumed you would do any and everything for your kids...

 

Also I second the question to seek IC.

 

You have a lot of bitterness and anger towards your STBX. I get it. Oh boy do I get it. For me it was just one guy she cheated with. Off and on for a number of years. Then the trickle truth is that it was 2 other guys. Off and On for years.... Then false recovery and her slipping into a drug addiction that I stood by her for as she went to rehab, only to have her slip into the 4th adultery (That I know of). All the time I'm trying to put together the pieces for myself and my three kids. If anyone understands bitterness and anger it's me.

 

But you know what... You need to step back and forgive her for all of that and move on for yourself and your kids.

 

Not forgiving her for all of that like you drinking a bottle of poison and hoping she will drop dead from the poison you drank.

 

Best of luck to you. Please answer my bolded question and I'll give you advice on what you should do. It's drastically different depending of if you care about being a part of your kids life or not.

 

Later

[aileD]

You can divorce your disgusting wife without abandoning your children

 

People do it everyday.

 

You're not divorcing your children. They still need their father.

 

Not one person here ever suggested crapping on your kids like this.

 

You just can't seem to separate the wife from the family. You can have the kids and not have the wife.

 

You are just as messed up as her if you're going to punish your kids for your wife sucking someone's dick on your bed because regardless of your little rant--- YOU ARENT PUNISHING YOUR WIFE BECAUSE SHE DOESNT GOVE A **** ABOUT YOU OR ABOUT HOW FAR AWAY YOU ARE

 

THATS YOUR Problem. You think she cares and you can retaliate and hurt her.

 

She doesn't care. Walk away and say nothing to her that doesn't involve care for your kids.

Edited November 22, 2016 by aileD

[OneLov]

This is on her not me.

 

No sir. That's you blaming her for your potential poor choice(s). That is ABANDONMENT. Your attorney will explain to you that if you want even partial custody of your children that you cannot move more than about 150 miles from them without a court order. Do you real believe love/life is just and fair? So because A (your wife) hurt B (you), you have a license to hurt C (your children)? In what adult society does that make sense? I admit I came across strong but don't do this to your kids dude. Your hurt and I get that, but they aren't your wife. A parent doesn't punish his/her children, even indirectly, for the other parent's transgressions.

Edited November 22, 2016 by OneLov

[MidnightBlue1980]

I wish you people would make up your minds!

 

First, I am a weak and virtual cuckold without self-esteem because I stayed with a cheating wife and I'm advised to leave. Now that I left, I'm a total SOB for not thinking about the kids. There is no winning, is there?

 

I've had an 18 mnth ordeal and now I've had 12 days to think about it and the more I think about it, the angrier I get. What was I thinking? I can't believe I ever put up with that and for so long.

 

Oh I am going to run so far and stay away for so long and she should have thought about that before she sucked some guys dick in my bed and then gaslighted me about it. This is on her not me.

 

No one is telling you not to leave, they are telling you not to abandon your children by moving to China, and moving to China to find a woman??

 

What is going to happen is your wife will marry someone else and petition the courts to terminate your rights so her new husband can adopt your kids. I am not a lawyer but it won't look too good for you since you will have up and left them without a father. Does that bother you, another man becoming the father to your kids?

[dreamingoftigers]

I wish you people would make up your minds!

 

First, I am a weak and virtual cuckold without self-esteem because I stayed with a cheating wife and I'm advised to leave. Now that I left, I'm a total SOB for not thinking about the kids. There is no winning, is there?

 

I've had an 18 mnth ordeal and now I've had 12 days to think about it and the more I think about it, the angrier I get. What was I thinking? I can't believe I ever put up with that and for so long.

 

Oh I am going to run so far and stay away for so long and she should have thought about that before she sucked some guys dick in my bed and then gaslighted me about it. This is on her not me.

 

Oh good Lord. Either way she won't be single long so don't worry about her "counting pennies."

 

The only ones that will feel the sting of your "revenge" are your daughters because again, it's beyond obvious you care more for your dating life and finances than you do for your own children.

 

Your wife shouldn't have cheated, but I'm not in the least surprised your relationship collapsed considering the role of father is a "mode" you go in and out of when it suits you.

 

So yeah, leave your wife because she treated you poorly. No one wants you to commit to abuse. But very few people will support your endeavour to abandon your daughters because of a combination of jealousy, revenge and one-upmanship.

 

A very small segment of society is going to view you doing the absolute legal minimum for your daughters as any kind of "winning."

 

Oddly enough, we all would hope that she does a decent job picking a stepfather for them, because you are abdicating the role.

 

By the way, most of us on here have had to make deep sacrifices for our kids. That's because Love Is an action. And our kids deserve real love, especially in times of crisis and upheaval.

 

No, "Winner" is not the word I would use to describe you in this situation. And frankly, if your kids aren't winning a good Dad, then you shouldn't be winning either.

[dreamingoftigers]

Please re-read my post above. And answer the question in BOLD.

 

Based on your answer to that question I think we can give you the best advice moving forward. Maybe a lot of people (including myself) assumed you would do any and everything for your kids...

 

Also I second the question to seek IC.

 

You have a lot of bitterness and anger towards your STBX. I get it. Oh boy do I get it. For me it was just one guy she cheated with. Off and on for a number of years. Then the trickle truth is that it was 2 other guys. Off and On for years.... Then false recovery and her slipping into a drug addiction that I stood by her for as she went to rehab, only to have her slip into the 4th adultery (That I know of). All the time I'm trying to put together the pieces for myself and my three kids. If anyone understands bitterness and anger it's me.

 

But you know what... You need to step back and forgive her for all of that and move on for yourself and your kids.

 

Not forgiving her for all of that like you drinking a bottle of poison and hoping she will drop dead from the poison you drank.

 

Best of luck to you. Please answer my bolded question and I'll give you advice on what you should do. It's drastically different depending of if you care about being a part of your kids life or not.

 

Later

 

Hell, you don't even have to forgive her.

 

You just gotta work with being the best Dad ever for your kids.

 

But instead of that you're acting like you are too good to "debase yourself" into being a good Dad.

 

Which is weird because being a Great Dad is the highest office a man can hold IMHO.

[howtoproceed]

@madjackbird

 

Do you want to be around your kids?

 

I want Summers and alternating Christmas Holidays. I don't want full or joint custody.

 

@aileD

 

THATS YOUR Problem. You think she cares and you can retaliate and hurt her.

 

Its not me not being there, its the work I do and the support I provided. She'll figure it out I'm sure but any solution is going to involve either her time or her money, both of which are in short supply at the moment. That's the retaliation I'm talking about and yes, it is probably already wearing her down either financially or physically.

 

@midnightblue

 

What is going to happen is your wife will marry someone else and petition the courts to terminate your rights so her new husband can adopt your kids.

 

This sounds like a scare - tactic and it is patently false. No judge is going to terminate my parental rights for leaving a cheating spouse. Its not even technically abandonment and even if it was, its called constructive because she gave me cause. I saw a lawyer right after Dday and before I left the first time. There was ZERO talk about having my parental rights terminated.

[dreamingoftigers]

You can divorce your disgusting wife without abandoning your children

 

People do it everyday.

 

You're not divorcing your children. They still need their father.

 

Not one person here ever suggested crapping on your kids like this.

 

You just can't seem to separate the wife from the family. You can have the kids and not have the wife.

 

You are just as messed up as her if you're going to punish your kids for your wife sucking someone's dick on your bed because regardless of your little rant--- YOU ARENT PUNISHING YOUR WIFE BECAUSE SHE DOESNT GOVE A **** ABOUT YOU OR ABOUT HOW FAR AWAY YOU ARE

 

THATS YOUR Problem. You think she cares and you can retaliate and hurt her.

 

She doesn't care. Walk away and say nothing to her that doesn't involve care for your kids.

 

Programs like The Family Wizard help co-parenting and scheduling from a distance.

 

I can't freaking believe this.

 

This is obviously a guy who didn't attach to his kids.

I can't even for the slightest moment imagine not fighting my arse off for my kid. This is clearly someone who hasn't gone through the misery of court and custody.

 

Wait until you CAN'T see them OP.

 

Then you'll realize how much a "new young woman" won't stack up against that. And if you told any healthy, sensible young woman the truth of how you ditched your kids, shed walk away pretty quickly. The vast majority of women won't risk reproducing with a guy that drop the kids when it suits him.

 

Unfortunately many that do say a big lying sob story to continue to date.

 

Co-parenting has its sucking points. But the vast majority of people would walk through fire for their kids. It really sucks FOR YOUR KIDS that you aren't one of them.

 

All that you are doing is taking out your hurt feelings on YOUR KIDS who have already been victimized enough.

[howtoproceed]

@dreamingoftigers

 

Wait until you CAN'T see them OP.

 

I'll see them Summers and alternating Christmas and I'll Skype regularly.

Its called a visitation schedule and you know what, if I was going overseas to kill little Muslim babies in the name of a democracy that you say can terminate my parental rights at the drop of a hat, I bet you'd start waving a flag then.

 

So how about that - all those military men off to fight our wars and leaving their kids behind? Will those kids ever recover?

[eye of the storm]

HtP, where to start. Ok. I'm divorced. My xH left me for a woman I thought was my best friend. It was vicious. They tried to rub my nose in it. They tried to show me how much happier they are. They both took pleasure in my pain.

 

But I stayed strong for my children. I put my head down and focused on what was most important. My children. I suffered to support them, comfort them, and protect them from the ugliness of the divorce.

 

They are both adults now. And even though I did my best to not run down their dad to them, they are smart and figured out why I worked 4 jobs.

 

I have a good solid relationship with my children. They trust me to stand strong for them. They trust me to be honest with them. We enjoy spending time together because there is trust and affection.

 

My xH has a decent relationship with them. They love their father, but there is not a lot of trust. He abandoned them when they needed him the most. They love him but don't want to spend a massive amount of time with him. You can almost see the boundary they erected its low enough to see over but high enough so he can't disappoint them more.

 

So you need to decide what is more important to you. Your wounded ego....or your children.

[eye of the storm]

@dreamingoftigers

 

 

 

I'll see them Summers and alternating Christmas and I'll Skype regularly.

Its called a visitation schedule and you know what, if I was going overseas to kill little Muslim babies in the name of a democracy that you say can terminate my parental rights at the drop of a hat, I bet you'd start waving a flag then.

 

So how about that - all those military men off to fight our wars and leaving their kids behind? Will those kids ever recover?

 

Military members are not leaving their children behind. Its temporary. They are serving their country. They are not running away.

 

Do not equate your running away with people serving their country.

[howtoproceed]

@eyeofthe storm

 

My xH has a decent relationship with them. They love their father, but there is not a lot of trust. He abandoned them when they needed him the most.

 

First of all, I would be happy with a decent relationship with them and I know what that looks like. I had a first marriage and two sons from that marriage and my relationship with them (they are all grown) is something like what you describe but only better. Kids are tough - they'll be fine.

 

Second of all, your husband cheated so he has no defense. My wife caused the issue by cheating and I have the graphic texts to prove it. When my daughters are old enough, I will sit them down and go through those texts and maybe they'll see where I'm coming from.

[Noirek]

Talk about self justification, lack of respect, lack of accountablity and immaturity. Unless a gun is involved nobody makes anyone do anything.

 

I was on another forum before here that I actually left because too many people supported the BH abandoning his children to get away from his WW. And his WW was remorseful and wanted R. He used all sorts of "holidays" and "skype" and let me tell you it is hard on children when their dad is in the army. But they believe it is for a reason. A good reason. Not a selfish choice.

 

Those poor babies. being abandoned by their selfish father.

[BluesPower]

HTP...

 

There are a lot of people dogging you for going to wherever. While they may have a point in some areas I just really cannot agree with them 100%.

 

I may get dogged for that, and it is ok.

 

If you wanted, could you get a job closer to you children?

 

That may be an option further down the road.

 

I just don't understand what everyone thinka you should do with a wife like yours. I think if you did not get away for some good amount of time, you would lose your mind.

 

How you did it for as long as you did is a mystery to me.

 

Maybe if you can find work closer down the road you could move back and be more involved in their lives.

[eye of the storm]

@eyeofthe storm

 

 

 

First of all, I would be happy with a decent relationship with them and I know what that looks like. I had a first marriage and two sons from that marriage and my relationship with them (they are all grown) is something like what you describe but only better. Kids are tough - they'll be fine.

 

Second of all, your husband cheated so he has no defense. My wife caused the issue by cheating and I have the graphic texts to prove it. When my daughters are old enough, I will sit them down and go through those texts and maybe they'll see where I'm coming from.

 

 

How sick do you have to be to torture your children with those texts. I was in the don't dump your kids because you are angry with your xW...but I would like to officially change my mind.

 

I cannot believe how cruel you are. Why? So they can hate your xW? That isn't their xW. She is their mother! The only people you will be hurting is your children. You must hate them to be planning on hurting them like this.

 

If your only goal is staying in their life just enough so you can show those texts when they get older, please just walk away and hopefully they will forget you.

 

One of the reasons my kids have a good relationship with me is I don't smack talk about their father. He does talk about me and it is just one more layer to the boundary they maintain with him.

 

You are one of those people who uses their children as a weapon against their X. Not caring about the damage you do to them. Because they are nothing to you but a weapon.

 

I feel so sorry for them. I hope you stay in China a very very long time.

[aileD]

You think summers and Skype and a random holiday here and there are a good substitute for a dad who was there every day?

 

.

 

They're going to hate you for it. And Mom will be the one that was there for them....even though she cheated on you and stated the downfall of your family, they're going to be closer to her and end up resenting you for abandoning them. And apparently making it financially difficult for your wife ---And your kids by proxy---gives you some sorry of cheap excitement and justification .

 

 

You're a lost cause on this. I'm done with this thread. All you want to do is hurt your wife and you're willing to trample over your kids to get there.

 

Good luck with that

[Jersey born raised]

HowtoProceed,

 

An adult demands respects or leaves. Done

 

An adult accepts damage to protect those that are due it, your children.

 

Two separate issues.

 

Why did you divorce your first wife. What was the custody arrangement.

 

What is your wife's past relationship history?

 

I still don't know if your wife is/was cheating on you recently. 50/50 if maybe she just decided it is easier to divorce then do the work to reconcile. Which, is on her not you.