Mateguarding - When does it end? [update: What to make of this?]

[howtoproceed]

It isn't what she could have done.

It is what it shows to those there.

It shows you are not important in her life....those who are important were there.

It shows she doesn't respect you

 

Well said! It's also what I'm thinking but she acting like I'm being an ******* for being pissed off about not being included. I'm really glad I'm not the only one thinking this. I explicitly told her when she brought it up that I wanted to go and that was the last I heard about.

 

What stopped her from arguing that not including me was "no big deal" was the lie. As soon as she walked in, the first thing out of her mouth was a lie. She said he coworker called her at the last minute and told her to come to the restaurant and insisted on that story. Then I checked her phone and there were no phone calls, text messages or emails so its a lie - either she has a secret account or she planned all along on not taking me. When I put it like that, she sighed like I was just beyond reasoning with and walked away.

 

Its to bad because last night was nice. We had sex and she fell asleep in my arms. I'm just trying to come up with something positive to explain her behavior but it really comes back to:

 

1. There was someone there she didn't want me to meet

2. Like froggs21 just said: It shows you are not important in her life....those who are important were there.

 

Can anyone suggest a 3rd possibility that puts her in a better light?

I just can't think of a single thing.

[howtoproceed]

If she will lie like this involving your daughters, you really think if she wants to bang another man she'll have any second thoughts????

 

I said something similar - what else have you been lying about?

Literally, the first words out of her mouth were a lie: she said my coworker surprised me.

[flowergirl14]

Sometimes you just have to trust that she sucks. You still want to believe that their is love their. Having sexing with you doesn't equal love. Most cheaters continue to have sex with their spouses before during and after an affair. Have you checked out other infidelity sites like chump lady or infidelity help group. There's some dudes over there who already kicked their wife's a** to the curb. Check out their stories too. I think your heart needs to catch up with your head. You know what needs to be done.

[Doorstopper]

Couple of Questions:

1. Why didn't she want you there?

2. Why didn't you go to church with your family?

 

It's been said quite a few times here; Your marriage is broken. You don't trust her, and she doesn't respect you.

 

Counseling, divorce or continue living with the crap you are having to put up with. Your choice.

[dreamingoftigers]

So its my wife's birthday and her co-worker had some of her colleagues get together for a birthday lunch. She told me about it last week and I said I'd like to go and that was the last I heard of it. Today, she took my daughters to church and was late getting home with them. It turns out, there was birthday lunch party for her, about 10 co-workers showed up, my daughters and a few other kids.

 

I was really angry and she said her co-worker surprised her and told her to come to the restaurant, which is right around the corner from our house. The story sounded like bull**** so, since I now have access to her phone, I checked and there were no messages or phone calls to or from this co-worker. I confronted her with this and she just sat silent and then, after much haranguing, blurted out "I didn't want you to come."

 

So it seems everyone was welcome but me! That really bothers me but what bothers me more is the lie and the ease with which she told it. It just makes me wonder how often she lies about ****.

 

Good lord, divorce this piece of work already.

[frogss29]

I think reconciling is hard enough but if BOTH parties aren't putting in 100% then it just won't work.

Even if there was a phone call or message at the last minute, you said the restaurant was just around the corner from your home.

Why didnt your wife either call you to say where she was or invite you there?

From reading your posts, you sound very needy and wanting lots of reassurance which is very natural after betrayal.

Problem is your wife isn't willing to give you what you need in order for you and your marriage to heal.

Having sex is easy. But it doesn't fix things. Just a quick bandaid

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know why I'm staying at this point.

We had sex last night and everything seemed fine.

I have access to her phone, FB, messaging.

 

She did bring my daughters so what could she have done?

 

Brought your daughters around her loser OM for her birthday lunch. That's what she could have done. It's what she did. And probably told everyone there that you were some kind of scumbag for not coming to her birthday.

 

She could have completely disrespected you, lied to you and stabbed you in the back, in front of your daughters

 

And that's what she did.

[howtoproceed]

Couple of Questions:

1. Why didn't she want you there?

2. Why didn't you go to church with your family?

 

I'm not a church goer and I have no idea why she didn't want me to come.

That's the question though - whats she up to?

She started this job about a year ago and I've saying I want to meet her co-workers and this would have been a good opportunity.

 

Even if there was a phone call or message at the last minute, you said the restaurant was just around the corner from your home.

Why didnt your wife either call you to say where she was or invite you there?

 

This is what we discussed first - why not call me and tell me to meet them there? She said her co-worker was going to pay for her and if I showed up, her co-worker might think she needed to pay for me too. It sounded like total bull***** and we went back and forth about that for awhile. Then I thought to check her phone and saw there were no texts, phone calls or emails and when I asked how the co-worker contacted her she basically sighed, took her phone and walked away like I was just beyond reasoning with.

 

From reading your posts, you sound very needy and wanting lots of reassurance which is very natural after betrayal.

Problem is your wife isn't willing to give you what you need in order for you and your marriage to heal.

 

Yes, I am acting like that and I ****ing hate it but I can't stop.

She has done some things - the biggest was giving me access to her accounts and phone password.

 

 

Brought your daughters around her loser OM for her birthday lunch. That's what she could have done. It's what she did. And probably told everyone there that you were some kind of scumbag for not coming to her birthday.

 

She could have completely disrespected you, lied to you and stabbed you in the back, in front of your daughters

 

And that's what she did.

 

I don't know about the OM part but yeah - God only knows what she's saying about me. I know for a fact she told some of her friends I was unemployed for 6 months and delivering pizzas. I was unemployed for 6 weeks and yes, during those 6 weeks I did deliver pizzas just to bring some income. The thing is, the time that I lost my day job and the time that I got me new day job was documented in a termination letter and an offer of employment. When I showed it too her, she told me to "stop talking."

[Grapesofwrath]

Imagine, for a moment, that your marriage had not been tainted by infidelity. Imagine that things were fine at home, everything status quo. Then run this scenario in your mind...Her coworkers arrange a birthday party for her on a Sunday (which is odd, IMO. Most coworker birthday parties happen during or after work). After you have told her that you would like to be included, she deliberately excludes you and tells you, after lying, that it was because she didn't want you there. She didn't want you at her birthday lunch. That is cold.

 

Regardless of whether her OM was present--or some other person was there that might reveal something to you--she didn't want you there. She didn't want her coworkers to hang out with her husband. On her birthday.

 

Howtoproceed...I'm sorry, but this is cruel. Just ice cold.

[Jersey born raised]

She is a Walk Away Wife looking for a reason to force you to file as she lacks the courage to do so herself.

[Grapesofwrath]

One other thing...she has given you the passwords and access to accounts THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT. There is always another way. Another workaround. Another app. Another email account. Another whatever. Do not be lulled into a sense of complacency by this action.

 

I'm humiliated to admit that when I was having an EA at the end of my marriage, it was long-distance, so email/messaging/phone was our sole means of communication. We found ways to contact each other, even after DDay.

[BuddyX]

Can you say Burner Phone. You Velcro a VAR under the car seat and you'll have your answers.

[howtoproceed]

Imagine, for a moment, that your marriage had not been tainted by infidelity. Imagine that things were fine at home, everything status quo. Then run this scenario in your mind...Her coworkers arrange a birthday party for her on a Sunday (which is odd, IMO. Most coworker birthday parties happen during or after work). After you have told her that you would like to be included, she deliberately excludes you and tells you, after lying, that it was because she didn't want you there. She didn't want you at her birthday lunch. That is cold.

 

Regardless of whether her OM was present--or some other person was there that might reveal something to you--she didn't want you there. She didn't want her coworkers to hang out with her husband. On her birthday.

 

Howtoproceed...I'm sorry, but this is cruel. Just ice cold.

 

I keep re-reading this post because it is so well said and really clarifies my thoughts. It also validates that I should in fact be pissed. Her position now is that it's no big deal I wasn't included and I don't really care about her anyway. But mostly she is just on her FB page replying to everyone who is commenting on the pictures a few of her co-workers posted of her birthday lunch.

[aileD]

Maybe you should get on Facebook and make some comments on the pics

[Cephalopod]

Or maybe you should see a divorce lawyer this week and end this farce.

[Jersey born raised]

At this point you need to quietly plan to divorce without her input or knowledge. Put aside consideration of the whys. Then come back to to why's with an IC or MC. Why MC when you are divorced? To help you avoid being a two time loser.

 

There are a lot of reasons for a spouse to become a walk away spouce (notice gender neutral). But right now getting yourself out of a dead marraigebwith infidelity is your only concern. The biggest mistake men make is assuming child rearing is primary a mother's role. If you both work 40 hours a week, and a SAHM will have to become a full time employed, then anything she can do you can do and with thought and effort better.

[heartwhole]

Things are not going to get better without both of you being in 100% and outside help from a professional, IMO. Reconciliation is hard enough with a wayward spouse who wants to make things work with the BS -- it is impossible if she doesn't.

 

What, if anything, did you guys do to process and heal and restructure your marriage after DDay? It sounds to me like there was mostly rugsweeping and then 18 months later you realized, hey, I still feel crazy and panicky, why is that?

 

Again, I'm 18 months out from DD like you. This weekend my husband had an even with a party afterwards. He asked me to bring the kids and come to the party. He spent the party beaming, kissing me, and telling me he was so glad he got to share in with us. Meanwhile, a friend of his whom I don't really like kept confessing to me how glad he was to get away from his family for a few hours. I was like, yeah dude, that's no way to live. I think my presence and my husband's obvious joy at us being together made him uncomfortable.

 

I wouldn't stick around with someone who acted like he didn't want me around, personally. I can forgive cheating the one time but I expect to be desired and cherished and I will accept nothing less.

[Jersey born raised]

Saw you liked my last post. So what are you going to do about it? What steps are you planning on? Need advise then say so. Post a request on "how to quietly plan and execute my divorce, what should I consider"?

 

I am pro-reconciliation but not self-destruction but if divorce is called for then do so to your best advantage.

[howtoproceed]

Saw you liked my last post. So what are you going to do about it? What steps are you planning on? Need advise then say so. Post a request on "how to quietly plan and execute my divorce, what should I consider"?

 

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do except I know I'll be up late again unable to sleep. I guess I'll watch some TV.

 

I can't but wonder if I'm overreacting. She said she didn't want me there because her coworkers wouldn't like me and she has to work with them.

 

But then there is the lie - it was the first words out of her mouth, an elaborate lie about how her coworker called her at the last minute to meet 10 of them.

 

And then when she got caught in the lie, her belligerence and annoyance and I don't even have a word to put on it. It's just keeping me up.

[Mr. Lucky]

She said she didn't want me there because her coworkers wouldn't like me and she has to work with them.

 

Wow, I thought she was going to say something innocuous like "you wouldn't enjoy it". But "they wouldn't like" you ?

 

As has already been said many times - cold and calculated...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do except I know I'll be up late again unable to sleep. I guess I'll watch some TV.

 

I can't but wonder if I'm overreacting. She said she didn't want me there because her coworkers wouldn't like me and she has to work with them.

 

But then there is the lie - it was the first words out of her mouth, an elaborate lie about how her coworker called her at the last minute to meet 10 of them.

 

And then when she got caught in the lie, her belligerence and annoyance and I don't even have a word to put on it. It's just keeping me up.

Been there, done that. Listen, howtoproceed: This is Gaslighting 101. She gives you all kinds of interpretations for her highly suspect behavior and blatant exclusion of you, then abuses you for having a problem with it and questioning her explanation. Classic gaslighting. And you are just so amenable to it with your "I can't but wonder if I'm overreacting."

 

But don't feel like you're the only one or your wife is the worst (though this is so blatant and so public, actually maybe it is).

 

My husband doesn't readily think to include me if someone else hasn't.

My husband just reacted with indignation when I questioned his response to a client in a text message.

You see the pattern.

 

Cheaters - past, present and future - have to have this mindset. And their spouses have to be gullible, trusting pushovers for them to continue believing their own bullsh-t.

 

Look, at some point you have to realize that she is not the person you thought she was, and you are being hung out to dry by this person who - I'm so sorry to say - is making a colossal public fool of you.

[Friskyone4u]

Well said! It's also what I'm thinking but she acting like I'm being an ******* for being pissed off about not being included. I'm really glad I'm not the only one thinking this. I explicitly told her when she brought it up that I wanted to go and that was the last I heard about.

 

What stopped her from arguing that not including me was "no big deal" was the lie. As soon as she walked in, the first thing out of her mouth was a lie. She said he coworker called her at the last minute and told her to come to the restaurant and insisted on that story. Then I checked her phone and there were no phone calls, text messages or emails so its a lie - either she has a secret account or she planned all along on not taking me. When I put it like that, she sighed like I was just beyond reasoning with and walked away.

 

Its to bad because last night was nice. We had sex and she fell asleep in my arms. I'm just trying to come up with something positive to explain her behavior but it really comes back to:

 

1. There was someone there she didn't want me to meet

2. Like froggs21 just said: It shows you are not important in her life....those who are important were there.

 

Can anyone suggest a 3rd possibility that puts her in a better light?

I just can't think of a single thing.

 

 

How To,

 

We know and you should too that her continued lying shows lack of respect. but my bet since this restaurant was minutes from your house was that there was a person there with a penis that she did not want you around for any reason unless this was ALL women, which i guess you have no way of knowing. And you know you cannot believe her.

 

How do you heal a relationship where lying about something simple like this is not big deal to her.

 

The fact is she has gotten away so far with the infidelity with no real consequences. And she does NOT believe there is any threat you will leave if things do not change. until she actually believes that this will continue.

 

Please forget the SEX. She is "buying' you off and it is working. The primary need for most men in a relationship is sex, and she knows that. She lies, and smooths it over with sex.

 

There is no other reasons for her not telling you about this. SHE JUST DID NOT WANT TO. Please read that again

[heartwhole]

Even if there's no nefarious reason (another man she's interested in/seeing) she didn't want you there, the important part is that she didn't want you there. Why wouldn't a wife want her husband to share in her life, to meet the people she sees everyday, etc?

 

I think it would be useful for you to spend some time visualizing what a healthy and fulfilling marriage would look like. First and foremost, I bet it would involve a wife who wants to share her life with you.

 

I also think it would be useful for you to try to get an objective sense of how likely she is to change into a wife who wants to share her life with you, and who will therefore be empathetic, giving, etc. Was she ever a selfless person who included you happily and "showed you off" to others? Or has she always been self-absorbed, the kind of person who blames others for her problems and only feels content if she can paint herself as the victim?

[Grapesofwrath]

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do except I know I'll be up late again unable to sleep. I guess I'll watch some TV.

 

I can't but wonder if I'm overreacting. She said she didn't want me there because her coworkers wouldn't like me and she has to work with them.

 

But then there is the lie - it was the first words out of her mouth, an elaborate lie about how her coworker called her at the last minute to meet 10 of them.

 

And then when she got caught in the lie, her belligerence and annoyance and I don't even have a word to put on it. It's just keeping me up.

 

Re: the bolded above...Ouch. What a hurtful thing to say. See how she shifts the blame on to you? This is Gaslighting, Howto, plain and simple. See how she gets angry at you when she is caught in her lie? More gaslighting.

 

She implies that she had to exclude you because you are unlikable and she didn't want to introduce you to her coworkers. She assumes you are so unlikable that they will see it immediately and it will embarrass her.

 

Let's once again run this imaginary scenario: Everything is fine at home. She gets a spontaneous text after church to meet for a birthday gathering with her coworkers. She is concerned that you and her coworkers will not get along well, so she chooses to exclude you from the gathering. She chooses them over you. She makes the decision to spend her birthday with some relative strangers (new coworkers) instead of her spouse and family because she thinks this new group of colleagues will not like you. And she drags her kids along to provide a veil of propriety to the whole thing.

 

I wonder what lie she told to them to explain your absence. How do you even look at her when she treats you like this?

 

One of the classic signs of chronic emotional/mental abuse is that the victim blames him/herself and denies his/her feelings in order to give the abuser the benefit of the doubt. Stop doing this. Stop doing this now. You are not over-reacting. If anything, you are under-reacting. Wake up, howto.

[dreamingoftigers]

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do except I know I'll be up late again unable to sleep. I guess I'll watch some TV.

 

I can't but wonder if I'm overreacting. She said she didn't want me there because her coworkers wouldn't like me and she has to work with them.

 

But then there is the lie - it was the first words out of her mouth, an elaborate lie about how her coworker called her at the last minute to meet 10 of them.

 

And then when she got caught in the lie, her belligerence and annoyance and I don't even have a word to put on it. It's just keeping me up.

 

I think you are under reacting probably because you are scared that you will overreact.

 

And sorry for the confusion earlier, I thought her OM was the co-worker, but I mixed up with another thread.