Phone calls; I want them and he doesn't

[hollydoodle]

Hello, I'm new to this website but need some advice... I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now. In my previous relationship I had a problem with communication, as my partner didn't like speaking on the phone, yet we lived quite far apart and didn't see each other that often. So when I found myself in this new relationship I wanted to make sure that he liked having phone calls. At the time he said he liked them, but had never been in a proper relationship to have them. Since then, I went away abroad for 6 months so we were in a long distance relationship. Although it was rocky, we did speak nearly every day and communication was good. However, now I'm back home and although we're seeing each other more, he says he doesn't like having phone calls. It's weird but sometimes I feel even more disconnected that I did when we were in a long distance relationship. I have told my boyfriend how I feel, however he doesn't see the problem. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I'm not expecting long conversation, but just a quick catch up and to hear each others voices. I feel like always asking him if we can speak on the phone and this makes me sound desperate and clingy. He says he much rather just message because it's easier... Surely there has to be some compromise?

[basil67]

Yes, there could be compromise. Let's start with telling us what compromise you can make.

 

Just for context: Are you only wanting to talk on the phone on the days you don't see each other? And how often is this?

[stillafool]

If you are seeing each other more often he may feel he has nothing to talk to you about if he calls often. He doesn't mind a text because it can be short and over. How often do you want him to call?

[hollydoodle]

We're seeing each other once or twice a week, so for me I would like to speak every other day, just a short 10 minute conversation at the least. We have already spoken about this, and came to an agreement that this would happen, however it just isn't. It's also the fact that it's always me suggesting to phone, it never comes from him.

 

I feel we text way too often, and if we didn't message, or at least reduced it then he might feel the need to phone me. However every time I suggest not messaging he doesn't understand why, as he sees it as the best way of communicating!

[Shanex]

I like both, yet both excessively is exhausting. 10mns every other day isn't much to ask, as you only see him twice a week max. I usually go to the essential with texting. Virtual communication IME fades over time for real life chats, especially after more than a year.

 

Do you plan on moving in together someday?

[basil67]

We're seeing each other once or twice a week, so for me I would like to speak every other day, just a short 10 minute conversation at the least. We have already spoken about this, and came to an agreement that this would happen, however it just isn't. It's also the fact that it's always me suggesting to phone, it never comes from him.

 

I feel we text way too often, and if we didn't message, or at least reduced it then he might feel the need to phone me. However every time I suggest not messaging he doesn't understand why, as he sees it as the best way of communicating!

 

Seeing each other once or twice a week isn't very often for what I assume is a committed relationship. Why such low time spent together? Does all this time apart suit you both?

 

While I understand your desire for phone contact, it's a fairly poor substitute for real time spent together.

 

Also, is speaking every other day your compromise or your ideal?

[hollydoodle]

We actually have been living with each other since Jan/Feb, and were looking to move in together to our own place, however we've both been trying to work out jobs and money. So I ended up moving in to my own place so that I'm near uni, and he is currently looking for a full time job! If we could see each other more then I reckon we would, but at the moment we've got other commitments.

Speaking every other is my compromise! We've gone from seeing each other every day, to not seeing each other that often, and then our communication has gone down.

Thanks for all your input!

[spiderowl]

He doesn't have the same need for communication as you. This could be because he doesn't need to talk whereas you do or because he doesn't need the reassurance of being in a relationship, whereas you do.

 

By a need to 'talk', I mean speaking verbally. This might sound obvious but some people need to talk (some almost endlessly) and if they don't, they feel deprived. Others only need to talk when there is something to communicate. I spent an hour on the phone to a family member the other day and they spoke 98% of the time. That person has had stress recently and just needed to talk, so I let them! However, I couldn't cope with that for ever.

 

It's hard to know whether your partner is not happy to talk on the phone because he doesn't need to 'talk' or because he has a different communication style or because he is losing interest in the relationship. I think you need to look at other indicators of commitment before you jump to any conclusions about why he is unmotivated in this way.

 

It is also worth asking yourself why you need to talk to him. What do you get out of that conversation? Relief at speaking? Reassurance he cares? Contact with another human being? None of this is wrong; it's just worth knowing if your communication styles differ or if the relationship is going downhill.

[Gloria25]

I like both, yet both excessively is exhausting. 10mns every other day isn't much to ask, as you only see him twice a week max. I usually go to the essential with texting. Virtual communication IME fades over time for real life chats, especially after more than a year.

 

This is a difference between the sexes...

 

Men aren't as communicative as women. They don't feel a need to talk every day and about everything.

 

Geesh, I'm a woman and prefer texting....

[Shanex]

This is a difference between the sexes...

 

Men aren't as communicative as women. They don't feel a need to talk every day and about everything.

 

Geesh, I'm a woman and prefer texting....

 

It sort of depend on the urge to communicate, but as a general rule guys don't text or call much. True of my pals and me. It just seems that after a while, we've said it all and just hang up.

 

Texting is pretty efficient to get the address or correct names, for work or going to parties, vacations etc.

[Miss Peach]

OP - I was in a year and a half relationship too. I didn't break up with him over that but it's something that bothered me and it didn't help things when they hit the skids because the communication and empathy just wasn't there for me to feel comfortable enough forgiving him. I'm a big believe you have to either accept or reject behavior. I never really had much luck on getting my xbf better at that but just wanted to let you know you aren't crazy for feeling like this.