What has happened to me?

[Midwestmissy]

We need to cut the op some slack. She recognizes that her emotions are off the rails and she is justified in being angry at the ow. The ow knew she existed, the op didn't know this was happening in her marriage. It's an immense shock and unless you've been in that spot, you have no clue how viscerally painful it is. I vomited daily for several weeks. I often couldn't get off the shower floor. Telling me I was mad at the wrong person when I was in that state can come off as telling her that her reaction is the problem. She is a victim here, with a baby and so much pain.

 

There's extensive research about the emotional chaos that occurs when a relationship becomes disconnected, Sue Johnson's book hit home for my wh and me, "hold me tight". We don't act rationally or think rationally. She's in early days and the ow sounds like a cruel vindictive loser. Op will focus on her wh, she needs the ow out of their lives and marriage in order for that to even begin.

 

Op, you don't see it now, because it's so soon, but the ow meant nothing and was essentially a couple of wet places for masturbating. And she allowed herself to be that. Her anger stems from the fact that she cannot accept that she was used by your wh who may have said things to her that encouraged her to keep the sex coming. She believed his lies too, except she knew he was a liar. They both behaved like garbage to you, eachother and themselves. You take the lid off the trash can and watch the cockroaches scatter. The truth is the sunlight showing everyone how gross it all is. Really gross. When people are proud of relationships, they beam, they don't treat them as a nasty secret.

 

My wh was surrounded by people who told him he was making stupid decisions and associating with idiots. He ignored us all for over a year. He became who he hung out with. People who stood to gain by his business and marriage failing. The ow was no different, she was looking for a $$ transaction. And she's married and with other mm now, same as always. She tried to weasel herself into my in laws life - but it wasn't about love, it was about the win. She loves a triangle and needs to see herself as the winner. She's 50, it's pathetic and it hasn't paid off for her. The revenge comes in the realization that she's a loser for life, respected by no one. She's still sniffing around the edges within the industry, and asks a lot of questions about my wh. Take the high road now and do something effective for you and your baby every day. All the positive actions will have a cumulative effect and can only move you forward in healing. Be mad at her all you want, it's early. It's the rare person who's been cheated on who doesn't feel rage for the ow. It's super easy to tell people that their anger is misplaced, it's super hard to stop the anger. It's because your heart is broken. I spent 28 years building a life, business, family with my wh - and she thought she could bump me out and take those things from me - it made me very angry. That someone I didn't know - a mother no less- could have a role in me seeing my kids less? I was bat sh?t mad. I'm almost 2 yrs out and now I just see her as pathetic. More importantly, my wh sees her as the biggest mistake of his life.

[waterwoman]

There is nothing wrong with being angry with the OW. Nothing at all. It's quite natural. However it isn't a productive emotion and you are wasting your emotional energy on someone who should not matter to you one little bit. Forget her. She is a pointless waste of time.

 

You do need however to examine why you aren't feel that same anger at your WS. That matters. It matters because HE matters - presumably you want your marriage to continue in which case you should be able to show anger towards him, you shouldn't be so afraid of losing him that you can't be honest. Might I suggest some IC to work out why you are feeling so afraid of your feelings towards him. And when you are more confident of your own feelings and aware and not afraid of your needs, then you confront him properly about what happened. Don't rugsweep, don't allow him to rugsweep.

 

Then maybe MC - assuming at this point you still want this marriage.

[wmacbride]

Just don't think demonizing the AP while you sleep next to your WS is a healthy or productive step because it avoids the bigger question - which one of those people promised a commitment to you?

 

I understand everyone handles this differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No one is saying the ws shouldn't be held accountable, or no anger should be directed at him/her or anything of the sort. It's not an either/or proposition.

 

The ow/om and ws are two separate individuals, both of whom play a role the the hurt of the bs. The OP isn't painting her ws as innocent, seduced or anything else. What she is doing is holding the ow/om accountable.

[wmacbride]

Notmyselfnow, I too believe that you should allow yourself to be cross with the other woman. its part of the process, and you should feel it, along with everything else you must go through to regain some semblance of sanity.

 

BOTH parties are responsible for pulling the wool over your eyes, so why wouldn't you be cross with her too? Don't be persuaded that your feelings are not justified, they are perfectly normal under the circumstances, you're entitled to them.

 

Just be careful not to let it overwhelm you and take precedence over your husband's disgusting behaviour, lack of boundaries and disrespect for you and his marriage.

 

Honestly, you will soon understand that she is nothing to you, could have been any port in a storm, and your attention will turn toward the vile way your husband has treated you. THAT'S when you are probably going to feel nauseous just seeing his face!

 

Seriously though, you deal with it ( and her) the way you feel you can. If that means you stay angry with her for a bit before your attention turns to the man who has turned into a gargoyle that you live with, then so be it.

 

As some have mentioned, just vent it in a safe way so that you don't harm yourself any further by allowing any disruptive comeback.

 

I can tell you from my own perspective that the other woman my husband entertained for a long time was hell bent on having my life as his wife, and that included my children. Very dangerous to poke a Mummy bear.....

 

ummm, I don't think so...over my dead body was she getting anywhere near my children. Grown or not. (Youngest was 14).

 

I can't go into great lengths about the woman's insanity it would take all day, but suffice to say she had a little 'holiday' at Her Majesty's leisure!

 

Its also a kind of safety device to divert that attention while you actually get to grips with the reality of understanding just how low your husband had sunk. Sometimes the conscious simply cannot cope and refuses to acknowledge that the person we married could really betray you in the most awful way.

 

You'll take your own way, time and path to restoring your sanity, and that's your right. To do it your way. Take what you need here and leave what doesn't suit you sweetie, there are some remarkable people here to help you on your journey.

 

Chin up.

 

Cuckoo

Exactly.

It's completely unrealistic to expect you to not be angry with the ow, and there are ways to allow yourself to express that anger that won;t result in blow back on to you.

 

That's why I suggested telling off the chair, taking your anger out at the gym or writing out your thoughts about the ow by hand and waiting for a set length of time before you actually post them online. All give you an outlet that won't hurt your ( unless you hurt your foot kicking over the chair:p).

 

As for anger at your husband, that wasn't the point of your op. I expect there's lots of that, and counseling will help you work through it.

[Lion Heart]

Notmyselfnow

 

Everyone handles things in their own way.

 

23y ago I left my exWH with our 9 month old baby girl.

I kicked him out after he told me he "kissed a girl" & a tad more info. I phoned OW home immediately after. Spoke with her mother who housed the "kissing" event. (Yeah right) for 2 whole nights. His 1st Father's Day and the night after. Told her mother in explicit detail what I thought of how she raised [her daughter] and extra brownie points for her reaching this "height" of achievement at such a young age.

 

Then told her mother to put the OW on the phone. She did. Omg the intelligence level of such beings.

 

Did a repeat and she started crying. Basically outlining how MY DAUGHTER WOULD NEVER BECOME THAT. IT.

She could have the dirtbag exWH AND look forward to changing nappies for years. Of the little girl she knew and betrayed. Then hope that SHE wouldn't be betrayed by him.

 

She didn't want him AT ALL.

HE didn't want [her] at all.

 

He was and still is totally [messed up] in the head. He remarried a few years later. When she asked me why we divorced. I told her straight up. ��

She thought she could CHANGE HIM....Leopards - Spots.

A horrid M witha serial cheater.

 

BTW WITHOUT this disgusting thing of a "father" in her life my daughter is an incredible mother, beautiful compassionate woman, studying psychology...blah blah blah.

 

WHAT MADE ME LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY was knowing that if I stayed, her role modelling for the "right man to marry" would be WH. She was worth WAAAAAAAY more than that. It. I loved him so much. My heart was broken.

 

My ENTIRE focus bar that one phonecall was WH.

 

It was ALL ON HIM.

I married HIM.

HIS vows were made to me.

HE sh** all over me.

He definitely sh** all over my daughter.

 

[]

 

Seriously if a married woman or married man CANNOT keep their private parts for their spouse only, their character needs some serious examination. IF they choose to. Beings like that are NOT marriage material.

 

I'd drop the looking at anything online about nutcase OW.

Focus ALL your anger on your WH. Child together or not.

HE is the real problem. You and your daughter are worth WAAAAAAAY way more than this treatment.

 

Of course you can hate the other parent of your child.

When they've had an affair, it's NORMAL to.

 

You are not yourself because you've been betrayed by the man who was supposed to love you and protect you and your daughter "forsaking all others".

 

There are alot of "others" out there.

 

It's very exhausting being with a cheating spouse.

It completely changes you BECAUSE you are choosing to stay and have WH in your life every day.

 

IME it's when you LEAVE that you can begin to breathe again. Feel safe. Be released from this deep and cutting pain. Heal.

 

I'm not even sure I THINK of exWH once a year. Probably when DD brings him up.

 

He phoned me crying and missing me and DD for the next 12 years. Wishing he never did it blah blah blah.

I was kind but direct. Basically "you made your bed. Lie in it". BTW both he and I had remarried. I simply had no love. No compassion. No sympathy. Nothing. For him.

 

When DD was 12y, I got a silent number and an unlisted mobile number. He's fat, bald, ugly and still a serial cheater. His BW is UTTERLY MISERABLE.

 

I simply don't care.

Great feeling.

 

It'll all be ok. Follow your instincts but start getting the Law involved with the harassment from OW. Now THAT would be awesome lol. Especially if the Law could lock up WH for potentially exposing YOU to life threatening STDs.

 

[]

Lion Heart

Edited September 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[wmacbride]

We need to cut the op some slack. She recognizes that her emotions are off the rails and she is justified in being angry at the ow. The ow knew she existed, the op didn't know this was happening in her marriage. It's an immense shock and unless you've been in that spot, you have no clue how viscerally painful it is. I vomited daily for several weeks. I often couldn't get off the shower floor. Telling me I was mad at the wrong person when I was in that state can come off as telling her that her reaction is the problem. She is a victim here, with a baby and so much pain.

 

There's extensive research about the emotional chaos that occurs when a relationship becomes disconnected, Sue Johnson's book hit home for my wh and me, "hold me tight". We don't act rationally or think rationally. She's in early days and the ow sounds like a cruel vindictive loser. Op will focus on her wh, she needs the ow out of their lives and marriage in order for that to even begin.

 

Op, you don't see it now, because it's so soon, but the ow meant nothing and was essentially a couple of wet places for masturbating. And she allowed herself to be that. Her anger stems from the fact that she cannot accept that she was used by your wh who may have said things to her that encouraged her to keep the sex coming. She believed his lies too, except she knew he was a liar. They both behaved like garbage to you, eachother and themselves. You take the lid off the trash can and watch the cockroaches scatter. The truth is the sunlight showing everyone how gross it all is. Really gross. When people are proud of relationships, they beam, they don't treat them as a nasty secret.

 

My wh was surrounded by people who told him he was making stupid decisions and associating with idiots. He ignored us all for over a year. He became who he hung out with. People who stood to gain by his business and marriage failing. The ow was no different, she was looking for a $$ transaction. And she's married and with other mm now, same as always. She tried to weasel herself into my in laws life - but it wasn't about love, it was about the win. She loves a triangle and needs to see herself as the winner. She's 50, it's pathetic and it hasn't paid off for her. The revenge comes in the realization that she's a loser for life, respected by no one. She's still sniffing around the edges within the industry, and asks a lot of questions about my wh. Take the high road now and do something effective for you and your baby every day. All the positive actions will have a cumulative effect and can only move you forward in healing. Be mad at her all you want, it's early. It's the rare person who's been cheated on who doesn't feel rage for the ow. It's super easy to tell people that their anger is misplaced, it's super hard to stop the anger. It's because your heart is broken. I spent 28 years building a life, business, family with my wh - and she thought she could bump me out and take those things from me - it made me very angry. That someone I didn't know - a mother no less- could have a role in me seeing my kids less? I was bat sh?t mad. I'm almost 2 yrs out and now I just see her as pathetic. More importantly, my wh sees her as the biggest mistake of his life.

 

 

FWIW, the ow in your situation is likely hurting as well, hence why she is lashing out at you. It's easier for her to place the blame for her pain on you rather that place it where it belongs-on herself.

[Midwestmissy]

Wmacbride- I agree 100%. Serial cheaters and personality disordered people will never look hard at themselves. They project and blame. My wh did this during the affair. Once he made himself fully accountable to me and to our friends and family, he did the work to find out why. It hadn't happened before the affair and not since he started therapy. He has never blamed the ow btw, he actually thinks that as a manager and intellectually smarter person, that he was in the position to shut down any advances and did not. Boundaries. Just because she crossed them didn't mean he should. He does tend to be very vulnerable to smooth talkers, male & female. His mother is the queen of disordered toxicity and empty flattery. She probably invented the participation ribbon specifically for her son, lol. She never gave him consequences. Nobody in her family could ever be a 'loser'. Ever. So when I called him out on things he was doing, he found a woman who praised him lavishly for just participating. In a creepy way, the ow was very much like his mother. Living like a spoiled child didn't bring him happiness. Living authentically is proving to be more gratifying.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Revenge may make you feel better for a little while but it can also destroy you....Mrs. JA

 

When they go low we go high...Michelle Obama

[turnera]

It's very normal, what you're doing. The question you need to ask yourself, though, is how long you want to be doing something that is harming YOU. You've done about as much damage as you can to her. Now it's time to focus on you.

 

Use a timer to do that 30 minutes. Start at 30 minutes, tomorrow time it for 29 minutes. The next day, 28 minutes. By the end of a month, you should be able to walk away from her.

[ChickiePops]

Just don't think demonizing the AP while you sleep next to your WS is a healthy or productive step because it avoids the bigger question - which one of those people promised a commitment to you?

 

I understand everyone handles this differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Right, like I said, it's not fair and it doesn't necessarily make sense..it's just easier to demonized the person you haven't built a life with. She'll get there.

 

And again, in this case the OW is a jerk.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There is a difference in thinking horrible things about the ow and acting them out.

 

All of us who have been betrayed enjoy thinking of scenarios that cause harm physical or mental to the ap

 

However it is not healthy to make those scenarios a true reality

 

Like I said... it may feel good now but it is a behavior that can eventually destroy us

[Mr. Lucky]

And again, in this case the OW is a jerk.

 

As opposed to all the nice, caring, sensitive and considerate OW and OM?

 

The OW's jerkiness may simply be a by-product of promises and commitments the WS made to her, such things are usually part of the A, though often denied thereafter.

 

My concerns aren't based on whether the OW get her feelings hurt, I just don't think it's healthy for the BS. And in fact, it distracts from the the real task at hand...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

I agree that any revenge scenario is not healthy, but neither is an A.

 

I wanted to add that when I posted MOW's pic on the website, it was after being lied to by her and by my WH. MOW taunted me with their A while my WH tried to hide it. MOW said she would step away of course WH did not (and this is all on my WH) and I suffered multiple Ddays. It drove me insane. I'm not sure if many understand this kind of insanity some of these WS's put their BS's through and then you have OW cheerleading them on. There is something called 'reactive abuse' when a person reacts to an abusive situation abusively. Doesn't make it right, but it happens.

 

I never had reacted the way I did after Dday in my whole life. It is like I had snapped.

 

Anyways the anger does go away and eventually you realize the WS is more to blame than anything. It was hard in the beginning especially when a WS is trying to convince BS that OW is crazy and started the A ... blah blah blah and you find out later that wasn't actually the case.

[BTDT2012]

I can't just hate him - we have to co-parent, together or not. I have to temper my feelings for the good of the baby.

 

At the same time, don't make the AP the the focus. He broke the covenant. You are still very new to the situation. Don't do anything else to her, block her on social media. And watch what your WH does, not what he says. Be kind to yourself.

[ChickiePops]

As opposed to all the nice, caring, sensitive and considerate OW and OM?

 

The OW's jerkiness may simply be a by-product of promises and commitments the WS made to her, such things are usually part of the A, though often denied thereafter.

 

My concerns aren't based on whether the OW get her feelings hurt, I just don't think it's healthy for the BS. And in fact, it distracts from the the real task at hand...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, as opposed to the other OW and OM who just back off when Dday happens and don't send disgusting and unwelcome messages to the BS. The OW is forcing her presence on the OP though. That has to be dealt with.

 

You and I are on the same side..you know that right?

[Mr. Lucky]

You and I are on the same side..you know that right?

 

I do. But thanks for the reminder ...

 

Mr. Lucky