BrotherAaron Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 *raises hand* I've also been on the other side and have been the "male friend". One of my gf's had another LDR on the side. I never knew about the guy until I found out about their relationship. He, however, knew all about me. My gf had told him about me, when we hung out, etc.. But she also told him we were "just friends". Imagine his surprise when I informed him otherwise. Heh, I've been there, too. I was the one who was surprised when we made out for half an hour, and then she starts crying and asks me "what am I going to tell my boyfriend??" ... And when my best friend happened to be dating a girl who lived two doors down from me, they were having issues and I was talking to her to assure her that he's a good guy, he cares about her, or whatever she was worried about - and she tried to kiss me... I hated that situation, a lot, and it shows that guys aren't the only ones who will fall for someone of the opposite sex when they shouldn't. I don't know why, but if you set a limit at friendship, one or both people almost always end up wanting more. It's pretty much human nature. I don't like being an alarmist, but if I was in a situation where my LD girlfriend was hanging out with a guy alone, I would already be thinking about how to break up with her. There isn't much you can do to keep her from falling for some guy when your miles and miles away and he's the one she's going to see every day. You posted here about it so I know it's bothering you. *Take my advice with a grain of salt. I have little patience for long distance relationships (precisely because this is the crap that always seems to happen) Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Why is it that in EVERY situation when a girl hangs out with a guy alone, whether it be going to the movies or changing her tire, all you men have this insecurity that them 2 are automatically going to do something. Can't she have a platonic guy friend relationship? And so what if the single guy friend wants her, does that mean he gets her? I would say let them hang out. If they hook up then she's a bitch. That's the true test of trust. Why be in a relationship if you don't trust the girl with other guys who may or may not want her. That's not a healthy relationship. I tell my BF all the time that I'm going out with this guy and that guy. He trusts me enough and he's secure with our relationship enough where he's OK with it. Lighten up. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue Why is it that in EVERY situation when a girl hangs out with a guy alone, whether it be going to the movies or changing her tire, all you men have this insecurity that them 2 are automatically going to do something. Can't she have a platonic guy friend relationship? And so what if the single guy friend wants her, does that mean he gets her? I would say let them hang out. If they hook up then she's a bitch. That's the true test of trust. Why be in a relationship if you don't trust the girl with other guys who may or may not want her. That's not a healthy relationship. I tell my BF all the time that I'm going out with this guy and that guy. He trusts me enough and he's secure with our relationship enough where he's OK with it. Lighten up. It's not insecurity when something you're worried about ends up happening. That's called reading the signs. Look at the responses from guys. A girl hooking up with a "male friend" when her bf is hundreds or thousands of miles away is more likely to happen than not happen. It's been proven time and time again. That's not insecurity, that's playing the odds. You'll notice that in this thread--and all others that spawn male/female friendship discussions--not a single male poster ever says "oh, it's probably just innocent fun". We know better. You have no idea what kind of work is involved in keeping a penis satisfied. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 It's not insecurity when something you're worried about ends up happening. That's called reading the signs. Look at the responses from guys. A girl hooking up with a "male friend" when her bf is hundreds or thousands of miles away is more likely to happen than not happen. It's been proven time and time again. That's not insecurity, that's playing the odds. You'll notice that in this thread--and all others that spawn male/female friendship discussions--not a single male poster ever says "oh, it's probably just innocent fun". We know better. You have no idea what kind of work is involved in keeping a penis satisfied. I understand that its about odds. But there are platonic guy friend relationships out there that are just friends. And your assuming that it's going to end up happening. I'm so glad my BF doesn't assume. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue I understand that its about odds. But there are platonic guy friend relationships out there that are just friends. And your assuming that it's going to end up happening. I'm so glad my BF doesn't assume. I understand that male/female friendships can exist, but what I'm saying is that when a guy gets suspicious, it's usually not insecurity (as so many females like to blame), it's usually just accurate gut instinct based on signals she's giving him. If your bf doesn't assume then it probably just means you haven't given him reason to distrust you. But you're the exception to the rule. And if you were to tell me you've NEVER hooked up with any of your guy friends I would have a hard time believing you. Nothing personal, just odds again. Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 I understand that male/female friendships can exist, but what I'm saying is that when a guy gets suspicious, it's usually not insecurity (as so many females like to blame), it's usually just accurate gut instinct based on signals she's giving him. If you're bf doesn't assume then it probably just means you haven't given him reason to distrust you. But you're the exception to the rule. And if you were to tell me you've NEVER hooked up with any of your guy friends I would have a hard time believing you. Nothing personal, just odds again. I agree with you Tanbark on this one. And *raises hand*, to having male friends intersted in me in a romantic way while having a bf. Yes, it's possible but it's up to the man/woman to set bounderies and say "hey sorry dude we're buddies and I gotta man, don't pass the line again", end of story! If you put them in their place the first time they hit on you or seem to give you signals of interest it won't happen and he might even respect you even more and value the friendship. I don't personally go out with guy's who are my friends "first", but I do stay in touch with ex bf and we talk as friends ONCE IN A WHILE not all the time. Heck, just the other day I ran into a friend of mine from high school and we talked and caught up, we exchanged business cards and that's it. No cell phone # or email address, it was simple talk and since we're both professionals we can maybe help each other out once in while. (And he was a male friend, I even told my bf about it) Friends should stay as friends and if you're in a relationship your SO should trust you no matter what. Now like Tanbark said if you give me a reason, I will believe and doubt!! Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 And if you were to tell me you've NEVER hooked up with any of your guy friends I would have a hard time believing you. Nothing personal, just odds again. I have, yes, but not while I with my boyfriend. When I was single, it was no strings attached. If she has never given him a reason not to trust her then I wouldn't understand the purpose of this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue If she has never given him a reason not to trust her then I wouldn't understand the purpose of this thread. Exactly. Since the OP went to the trouble of creating a post about it, and she's hanging out regularly with this other guy (an understandable concern and a valid reason to distrust her), then it would stand to reason that it is likely something shady is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by lvgrl Beer anyone? Yes, please. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Take one down and pass it around!!! Link to post Share on other sites
brokenhearted11 Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 I don't think guys and girls in a plutonic (sp) relationships should be hanging out alone or should be kept secret/seperate relationship from the significant other if it is a serious relationship anyway (engagment, marriage). Once you are at the point where the relationship is serious, your friends are his friends, and his friends are your friends, so why not just all go hang out together. It's fine to have opposite sex friends, but why create a situation that causes jealousy. And you never know, if you are alone, maybe the plutonic friend ends up raping you. This may sound far fetched to some, but I've read that the most likely person to rape you is your closest guy friend. I fully agree with VirginiaBob's rules though and that is a well thought out list. Kudos to you Bob. Link to post Share on other sites
SnowWhite Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I've had male friends that I have gone out with alone when in a LTR. I think it really depends on the person who is in the relationship. I had these male friends before my LTR and nothing had happened between us, so me being in a relationship isn't going to change that. I always found it to be a bit possesive when one of their girlfriends objected to it. If you don't trust a person then you probably shouldn't be with them. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I'm not to be trusted alone with the opposite sex and neither is he. I'm in a relationship with a person because they're the one who I trust, they're the one who I'm intimate with and they're the one who puts butterflies in my stomach everytime I kiss them. If I go bowling with my male friend it doesn't suddenly change all my feelings about my relationship, it just leaves me $7.00 poorer with chipped nail polish. Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 brokenhearted11: yes, that is a list that works for me. SnowWhite: " If you don't trust a person then you probably shouldn't be with them. " My question to you is where does this stop. For example, is it ok to let your boyfriend hang out with a stripper because you trust him? Or maybe it's ok for him to have sex with a hooker because it is strictly for physical pleasure and you trust that he is not emotionally involved? I've heard of people that go to orgy parties and say it is ok because they trust thier partner. Yes these are extreme examples, but my point being we all have our "rules" on how far we let our partner go. It is not a matter of trust, it is more a matter of being a human being. Now that said, my "rules" only apply if it is a very serious relationship such as a marriage or engagement, and my wife and I follow them without them even being said. We love each other so much that we really don't like to do things alone with friends anyways. It is usually a group setting and our friends are all married and have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
airbus Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob If you are in a LTR, it is ok to have a friend of the oppostite sex, if you follow these simple rules: 1. Don't spend time with this friend alone. 2. Don't be friends with someone you slept with/kissed/had an LTR with in the past. 3. Don't make it a secret friend. Include your significant other in the friendship. 4. Preferable if this friend is already married or in a LTR (very preferable). I have to say I agree with these rules! I now no longer have female friends online because my g/f said she didnt trust me, but she has male friends on her msn and goes out clubbing with her friend 10yrs older than her (however shes accompanied by her female friend) Now as you can see, things are not very fair for me... however, nearly every g/f i've had (LDR or close to home) has brought up guys names and im like 'whos that?' and all I get is 'oh you don't know him' and thats a definite sign for me now that things are going to go wrong! So I definitely agree with Point #3. I just don't understand why women are not open about who they are friends with. I also agree with most of the points made, most single guys hanging out with a girl alone, are not just looking for 'friendship' They often spend the time alone with the girl to get closer to her and manipulate the situation without having someone in the middle to say 'stop it, shes taken!' Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I now no longer have female friends online because my g/f said she didnt trust me, but she has male friends on her msn and goes out clubbing with her friend 10yrs older than her quite simply, that is not fair. double standard. another thing you will notice about my rules is that a lot of women are against them for themselves, but expect thier bf to follow them. Link to post Share on other sites
airbus Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I totally agree with you there VirginiaBob! They're happy to keep us under the thumb, but are not willing to participate in the rules themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
lvgrly Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Ok, like I said I will admit that what I had done was wrong.. But as far as women not going by the rules, and men having to do so is wrong, well for me at least. Anything he should have to do, I should as well.. He doesnt go out with a female friend alone, and I dont go out with guy friends alone... And its not a matter of trust I dont think, I think for us its just more of a comfortable issue. I know how I would feel if he did it to me, so I could never do that to him. And I am sure that people in their lifetime have cheated or done something they wish they could take back, I was 15 people, come on. Its not like I did it yesterday..I was young and dumb as far as relationships go, I didnt know any better... Link to post Share on other sites
airbus Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Well, at the age of 21 i've never cheated on anyone! I treat my g/f like a princess and yet I still end up as the only one following the rules (this has happened in every relationship i've been in) Now i'm either unlucky or just plain stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 If your bf/gf, spouse, etc... were on a diet, would you sit down right next to them with a buffet of food they can't have? If your partner was trying to stop smoking would you light one up in front of them? Now thank about what happens in a LDR, do you send your partner off to be alone with the opposite sex! Keep in mind that men are visual creatures and very easily stimulated. If you send a a guy out alone with a woman and he is miles away from his partner and most likely deprived from sex, you are just brewing a recipe for failure there. The point is why put temptation under your nose? I don't expect any one to be perfect, I know I'm not....but I can do better to keep my nose clean by not putting myself in situations that I am destine to fail at. I only hope my spouse does the same thing out of respect for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Keep in mind that men are visual creatures and very easily stimulated. If you send a a guy out alone with a woman and he is miles away from his partner and most likely deprived from sex, you are just brewing a recipe for failure there. The point is why put temptation under your nose? I don't expect any one to be perfect, I know I'm not....but I can do better to keep my nose clean by not putting myself in situations that I am destine to fail at. I only hope my spouse does the same thing out of respect for me. True, you make a good point Tudor!! But I just thought about something?! What if you tell your SO that you don't like them going out with friends from the oppisite sex and they tell you OK but continue behind your back? Wouldn't you rather want to know then them hide it? Like I said before it's better to avoid the whole situation in all instead of putting yourself and your relationship in steaming water, but some just don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by Opium True, you make a good point Tudor!! But I just thought about something?! What if you tell your SO that you don't like them going out with friends from the opposite sex and they tell you OK but continue behind your back? Wouldn't you rather want to know then them hide it? Like I said before it's better to avoid the whole situation in all instead of putting yourself and your relationship in steaming water, but some just don't care. I would most difinately want to know and not have them hide anything from me. All you can do is speak your peace and when push comes to shove you have know where your boundaries are and not not give up what is most important to you. If I said I don't like it and don't want you to do it then they went behind my back and did it anyway.....bags are packed...I don't need these sh*t!! Asta...... Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 If I said I don't like it and don't want you to do it then they went behind my back and did it anyway.....bags are packed...I don't need these sh*t!! Asta...... ....la vista baby !!! Yeah that would suck and it would be a valid reason to think maybe their is something going on if they refuse to say goodbye or give a rest, and the fact they did it behind your back, even worse! Link to post Share on other sites
airbus Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 but why do women tend to 'hide' their male friends? I've noticed most of my g/f's have done this and then all of a sudden they mention a guys name, who they've apparently been mates with for ages, and then the next thing that usually happens is they are off with him... Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 yea, an ex-fiance of mine would always get cell phone calls from a guy. I'd always see his name on the phone and when he called, she'd wouldn't answer, but later she would sneak into the bathroom to call him back. When I confronted her about who he is, she acted all p1ssed off. After we broke up, surprise surprise, guess who came into the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
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