Does it bother you if your lover remains friends with their past lovers?

[road]

Ex's are ex's for a reason and should stay that way. NC time.

 

 

Also while giving great advice there is no reason to have opposite sex friends when in a relationship or out.

[GravityMan]

I wouldn't have a problem with it (as long as they don't remain close friends i.e. "BFFs") under the following conditions:

 

- she has solid boundaries and won't hesitate to enforce them, including cutting off all contact if the ex violates her boundaries. Likewise for the ex and his boundaries.

- if she is 100% over him (and by "getting over him", that includes not having any romantic feelings, frequent thoughts or lingering hatred about him)

- if the ex is 100% over her

- preferably, if the ex is in a happy current relationship of his own.

 

That's a lot of conditions, and the odds of all of them being met aren't that good. It requires a lot of maturity, self-control and emotional stability from both sides as well as me and the ex's current GF. Without those things, NC is probably best. There's a definite risk of "one thing led to another, and..." if you get my drift. Intimacy can happen in the blink of an eye.

 

Even if remaining friends, it is best to minimize the time spent alone with him, and refrain from frequent contact. It's better for interactions to be at the occasional group gathering, etc. (That also helps guard against gossip.) I'm not the jealous type, but there's still the matter of respect.

 

Keep in mind that there's a possibility that one's "past" may unexpectedly find him/her in the future. More likely if they live in a "small world". NC isn't always possible depending on the situation. I like women who are able to deal with exes in a mature way, whether that's NC or not. That goes for interacting with her other male friends, too. (And I'm the type of guy who prefers a woman that has female and male friends, while having solid boundaries. That's a sign of maturity and a indication of being well-rounded.)

[BikerAccnt]

Being friends with ex lovers has many relationship pitfalls other than just the potential for cheating. If it makes your partner insecure, that's a problem in itself, even if cheating never occurs.

 

Basic rule for me is that all my important emotional and relationship needs are met by my partner. Any opposite sex friendships I have, are friends of both me and my partner. If my partner feels insecure about any of my female friends, and after talking about it she still feels insecure, I drop the friend. My partner always comes first. If I need more friends, they will be other men.

 

I totally disagree. I will not drop a friend for a new partner, or for another friend..ever. I'll only drop a friend if, they are no long a friend.

 

I've been friends with a woman since we were both about 21. That makes a friendship of more than 30 years - with an 8 year break due to stupidity.

 

Stupidly, when I got married, I ended contact with her because my then wife wasn't comfortable with me knowing her. 8 years later, not only was I divorced, but I thought I'd lost a good friend too. Luckily, we ran into each other a year or so after my divorce and she was kind enough to pick up the friendship. I will NEVER do something so stupid again.

 

We've never been intimate, never even kissed. She's very attractive, very. I have none, zero, no interest in her romantically. If someone I started dating, or had even been dating for while, said I had to chose a 30 year freindship or them...well, don't let the door hit ya.

Edited September 22, 2016 by BikerAccnt

[MJJean]

I say to each their own....That being said....

 

As a guy, I've never found a need for a female buddy or contact...Just never made any sense...Most women are bored to tears over the stuff that I am into, so what really would we have in common?? They have tried, and i have had some experiences, but it usually wound up being some one sided situation where I was asked for money, fix/build something, to help move something heavy, etc...No thanks..And if I need a woman's perspective on something Ill ask a female family member or pay a therapist...If it works for some though, , great!.....

 

I love dog training, household and auto repairs, gaming, stomping and hollaring in the supporters section of the city soccer team's bleachers, war movies (and war in general...amuse me with knowledge of historical battles and tactics), am amused by bar brawls (and have participated in a few), and generally like to do stupid things that involve the phrase "Hold my drink and watch this!"

 

 

That said, I have asked guy friends to help me move heavy objects and to help fix stuff or to loan me a few bucks. In return, I have driven them home from the bar even though I was already sleeping when they called, rushed over to assist when they were home alone with sick babies and had no freaking clue how to handle the goo the kid was spewing from multiple points, helped them move and fix stuff, and was generally a good friend.

 

I have had a lot of guy friends because we share interests. Don't write off female friends because you don't think they won't enjoy what you do. Many do.

[carolann]

BF has female friend...... fine.

BF's close female friend is an ex.....eh, as long as he's open with me and still makes our relationship the priority......fine.

BF buys ex lover turned close female friend an expensive birthday gift?? That would be a nope and I'd quit wasting my time and move on.

[ZayKayWill]

Nope, not at all.

 

I know I'm a bit diff this way but it always baffles (and saddens) me how some ppl get so hung up on this.

 

You and me both.

[ZayKayWill]

BF has female friend...... fine.

BF's close female friend is an ex.....eh, as long as he's open with me and still makes our relationship the priority......fine.

BF buys ex lover turned close female friend an expensive birthday gift?? That would be a nope and I'd quit wasting my time and move on.

 

So because they used to date it's completely wrong to do something like that? What if it wasn't an ex and just a friend that they never dated? The gift I got was a certificate to go skydiving. She always kind of had a crappy birthday, and so I guess I just felt bad for her. Plus skydiving is something I do somewhat frequently so I figured why not bring her with one time or something? Was that really so wrong? It wasn't an act of trying to impress her or anything. :/

Edited September 22, 2016 by ZayKayWill

[carolann]

So because they used to date it's completely wrong to do something like that? What if it wasn't an ex and just a friend that they never dated? The gift I got was a certificate to go skydiving. She always kind of had a crappy birthday, and so I guess I just felt bad for her. Plus skydiving is something I do somewhat frequently so I figured why not bring her with one time or something? Was that really so wrong? It wasn't an act of trying to impress her or anything. :/

 

This is why the gift thing would bother me as a 25 yr old woman:

For me, gift giving is personal. It takes thought and effort not to mention the $. That was a very thoughtful gift you gave PLUS it was a gift that would give you and the ex more time together doing something that you really enjoy. It makes it seem that your ex is still very important to you and that is going to be difficult for a lot of future potential GF's. How long were with your ex? Maybe you have some unresolved feelings?

[ZayKayWill]

This is why the gift thing would bother me as a 25 yr old woman:

For me, gift giving is personal. It takes thought and effort not to mention the $. That was a very thoughtful gift you gave PLUS it was a gift that would give you and the ex more time together doing something that you really enjoy. It makes it seem that your ex is still very important to you and that is going to be difficult for a lot of future potential GF's. How long were with your ex? Maybe you have some unresolved feelings?

 

I was with her for about a year. And no there were no unresolved feelings. Getting really tired of people thinking that...did you miss the part where I said shes always had a cruddy birthday and so I wanted her to have a not so cruddy one? I just genuinely like to do nice things for people. Probably should have mentioned she had a boyfriend at the time as well and he didn't have a problem with it either. Not to mention that the ex that broke up with me was 10 years older than me (35) so, I figured she'd be mature enough to understand. Sadly I was wrong. I've asked a few of my other 'girl' friends on their stance on this whole thing and they said it shouldn't have been a big deal. There were a few that said that it would have made them upset for a few days maybe, but wouldn't break up. So *shrug*

Edited September 23, 2016 by ZayKayWill

[carolann]

I was with her for about a year. And no there were no unresolved feelings. Getting really tired of people thinking that... Probably should have mentioned she had a boyfriend at the time as well and he didn't have a problem with it either.

 

She had a BF that didn't mind if you took his GF skydiving as her b-day gift? He must not have been too into her then or maybe not serious? No way my husband would be ok with that.....although he has told me that a straight man would never want to be "just friends" with me.

[ZayKayWill]

She had a BF that didn't mind if you took his GF skydiving as her b-day gift? He must not have been too into her then or maybe not serious? No way my husband would be ok with that.....although he has told me that a straight man would never want to be "just friends" with me.

 

He was my friend as well. He probably would have joined. Not everyone gets jealous...I even had the courtesy to ask him if it bothered him. He said word for word, "Nah man its cool sometimes people wanna do nice things for loves ones/friends...I understand."

 

So.....yeah. Don't know why that's so hard to understand. People get way too jealous of stuff these days. *sigh*

 

A little off subject but the 35 year old ex was 'best friends' with her ex of 3 years. Didn't bother me at all. I actually made me happy that they could make it that way since most exes don't even talk to each other. She once even called me crying because she thought he was being deported...didn't bother me. I probably would have been upset too.

Edited September 23, 2016 by ZayKayWill

[ZayKayWill]

OP: I think your GF should have told you "if you wanna spend hundreds-thousands of dollars worth of goods to be 'charitable' to someone you briefly met in your adult life because you 'care' soo much then you should have used that towards feeding some orphans in some poor country instead."

Someone else or herself as an independent woman should be able to meet her own needs. No reason for you to have to be charitable after a relationship is over unless it's Christmas, a birthday, a housewarming and the "friend" is someone platonic or someone you grew up with.

 

It WAS her birthday....read the post again.

[alphamale]

I never stay friends with people I've dated. I expect the same of women that I date.

 

 

If she's friends with an ex I wouldn't date her.

[MissBee]

I'm very secure in relationships once things are transparent, I see that my SO has proper boundaries and everything is above board. If their friendship with their ex encompasses these things (transparency, proper boundaries, and everything is above board) then I'm unlikely to have an issue. If it does not, then I will, but at that point, the problem is them and that's when I'd need to question if I can be with them....as if they have no boundaries etc. then I'm going to always be paranoid and it's not just a matter of this one instance of me requesting they not be friends with their ex (that's not my place to request this even).

 

The whole context also matters. I have experienced and know folks who keep exes around in a back-up harem or stable where they never truly let go and always have the door ajar "just in case." This will not work for me, and I think this kind of situation looks very different from a far removed, friends-only ex. If you broke up with your ex last year and are "best friends" and you're texting all the time, giving gifts, etc....I would find this extremely odd and think of it as a door ajar scenario. However, if they were your ex 10 years ago, and things are casual and cordial then I wouldn't bat an eye lash.

 

I don't believe you need to actively hate your ex, but for the majority of people you naturally grow away from ex. My last bf and I broke up amicably and maybe exchanged a friendly text or 2 after we broke up, a birthday message, but we've never hung out and we're really not friends. This is a pretty typical scenario esp when your ex was not your friend before, it stands to reason that someone you only ever had a romantic relationship with wouldn't downgrade to now being your close friend. That's what's typical for me and what I would prefer....cordiality is cool and even a friendship if things ended a long time ago, you have boundaries, it's transparent, I know them and I don't feel like it comes before or overlaps with our relationship. However, if your ex is someone you are giving "generous gifts to," texting with non-stop, telling her various intimate things, etc...I'm not here for it. As relationships are also emotional, that's how we end up liking people as more than friends and becoming attached to them, it's not just physical things and there needs to be some boundary drawn where a friendship doesn't slowly begin to look like a romantic relationship without sex, esp if you have a SO.

[MissBee]

I am typically friends with my Exs. By friends I mean we are friends on Facebook and if I see them out I will say hello and make small talk. On a few rare occasions we have met for drinks.

 

I have no desire to sleep with them again or to have any real relationship but the are nice people and we are friendly to each other.

 

There is a fine line in all of this: I would be worried if every ex was banned from your life or your were all touchy feely with them.

 

Being friendly and being actual friends are different though right?

 

I think being friendly with an ex is fine and along this definition, I am friendly with most of them except maybe 2 that I would never speak to again; but, with most I'm not genuinely friends. We don't hang out, I do not text or call them frequently, do not ask them for advice, I don't engage with them how I would other folks I call friends. We have no ill-will and can communicate every now and again but "friends" would be overselling it. I'm also realistic that even though I am over them, they didn't all of a sudden become unattractive...the same things that drew me to them to have a relationship, I am realistic that yes sure things didn't work, but it is still within the realm of possibility that if I nurtured a "friendship" I could feel something again, esp if say I was in a low place and they were there saying all the right things.

 

I also would see it as a red flag if a man treated or spoke of every ex as a pariah. I think friendly is the normal middle ground, but if you hate all your exes or all of them are your bffs that you communicate with often, those are two red flag situations for me. In the OP's example, it's beyond friendly, it's giving expensive gifts (unless your ex is your child's parent and needs something I have no idea why you'd buy them a laptop or any other item), talking to this person frequently etc. Those scenarios are not friendly IMO and are definitely erring on the side of this is more than what you say or think it is.

Edited September 24, 2016 by MissBee

[central]

Some of my best friends are exes. I won't give them up for anyone - and if a gf asked me to, she'd either have to adjust to these people being in my life, or join them as an ex (and friend - or not! - as she wishes).

 

It's never been an issue when I was dating - or maybe it just came up for discussion early on with someone new, and they didn't last if they had concerns. I will dump an ex if they ever behave inappropriately, though, just like any other friend.

 

There are reasonable limits and boundaries, of course. I don't talk to or text or email any of my friends daily (unless one of us has a crisis and needs the help for a short time), and seldom see any more than once or twice a month - and usually a lot less. In no way are they competition for my wife/gf's attention.

[neowulf]

I've maintained friendships with a handful of ex's over the years.

 

Every situation is different, but in a lot of cases, the key appears to be viewing a relationship with a person as seperate *from* the person themselves.

 

So, you can have the romantic relationship fail and understand the reasons for that, but still value and enjoy the person's company.

 

The litmus test I always used was;

 

If I can watch my ex holding hands and kissing her new partner in front of me and feel absolutely no negative feelings what so ever, then yes, we can be friends.

[ZayKayWill]

I totally disagree. I will not drop a friend for a new partner, or for another friend..ever. I'll only drop a friend if, they are no long a friend.

 

I've been friends with a woman since we were both about 21. That makes a friendship of more than 30 years - with an 8 year break due to stupidity.

 

Stupidly, when I got married, I ended contact with her because my then wife wasn't comfortable with me knowing her. 8 years later, not only was I divorced, but I thought I'd lost a good friend too. Luckily, we ran into each other a year or so after my divorce and she was kind enough to pick up the friendship. I will NEVER do something so stupid again.

 

We've never been intimate, never even kissed. She's very attractive, very. I have none, zero, no interest in her romantically. If someone I started dating, or had even been dating for while, said I had to chose a 30 year freindship or them...well, don't let the door hit ya.

 

Exactly...

[Alamo657]

I don't quiet understand why people advocating friendship with exes treat people who disagree like they have some kind of mental disorder. I also believe that many people who advocate "friendship with exes" have slept with them on occasion because they dissociate sex from romance.

 

Kudos to you, but stop viewing your little perfect world as the norm to follow.

[ZayKayWill]

I don't quiet understand why people advocating friendship with exes treat people who disagree like they have some kind of mental disorder. I also believe that many people who advocate "friendship with exes" have slept with them on occasion because they dissociate sex from romance.

 

Kudos to you, but stop viewing your little perfect world as the norm to follow.

 

I'm not saying it's the norm to follow. Some people just can't be friends with exes. I'm friends with my first ex but not my latest one. My problem is the people who think it's so taboo and unheard of and just 'won't tolerate' anyone who chooses to remain friendly.

[Got it]

Sure you can. Not saying this is a sweeping generalization for all people and all exes but there are definitely ones were it works fine. My parents are much better friends now divorced than they ever were married. And there is no getting back together; they burned that bridge, scorched the earth, and then buried it decades ago. But that is why they can be friends, because they don't have all the other trappings and expectations tied to their relationship.

 

My ex husband and I are friends. Frankly, we fell out of love while still married so the divorce was just the final rung of the death knell that had been our relationship for years. In fact he just said that to me the other day, thanking me for being the one to start the divorce since it was really the best for us. We are both happy remarried with kids and we all hang out together. He is like a brother now and there is ZERO sexual attraction and I can't ever see that sparking again. I just can't see him like that and struggle to remember when I did.

 

For some the relationship ends before the attraction does. And for some people the attraction never ends. But this is not the way it is for all.

[LoverofWrestling]

No, it doesn't bother me that my husband is still friends with a couple of his exes. Heck, one of them even came to our wedding because I'm friends with her as well. In fact, I knew her before I met my husband.

[guest569]

I think it depends on a lot of factors such as frequency of time they spend together, frequency of communication, the way they speak about each other and interact with each other, body language, whether or not I like and trust the ex, how she treats me and whether they respect our relationship and healthy boundaries. My instincts will hopefully alert me to anything shady. If it bothers you then there is probably something behind the bad feelings. It could be a very touchy subject and if I were to find myself in a relationship I would probably ask my partner how he feels about it. Honestly, if it made my partner uncomfortable then I wouldnt really have an issue with cutting off my ex or discussing expectations and boundaries.. perhaps it's ok if the 4 of us hang out (2 couples). I would like to be friends with my ex down the track but more like friendly acquaintances than BFFs.

 

(I am not talking about my recent ex in case anyone is wondering. No hope of friendship there! Good riddance )

Edited November 28, 2016 by smiley1

[phineas]

Even if they're just friends? I couldn't see myself going back to my ex ex. We're just completely different people now. I was good friends with her bf too and all was goodm. *shrug*

 

Every woman I've dated/seen who stayed friends with someone they used to sleep with cheated on me with that ex.

 

Not to mention women i used to date/sleep with who wanted to hang wound up in bed with me or at least fooling around while they were seeing someone.

 

So i have a rule, no ex's.

[Els]

It really depends on what they mean by 'friends' - definitions of the term seem to vary a lot. "Friends" as in they can be civil towards one another, talk to each other a bit during group gatherings where both are present, the ooccasional FB 'like', sure. But if you mean "friends" in the sense of hanging out one-on-one all the time, communicating daily, sharing intimate details about their lives... nope, no way.

 

In your particular case, I wouldn't have accepted either you or your gf's behaviour. Neither the 'generous gift' nor the 'best friends' with past lovers are okay IMO. Nor would I do it myself. The only time I could ever see myself 'buying a gift' for an ex-lover would be in a group situation. E.g. if we worked at the same place and people were collecting funds for a group gift to him, or alternatively if I just handed out little gifts en masse (say, after taking a trip somewhere) and he was included. Definitely not picking out a personal item, paying lots of money for it and giving it to them.