A question to anybody that has got into a relationship with a parent

[Ronni]

Ok so these relationships are very common, chances are when you get to a certain age your other half will likely have a child from a previous relationship. Some can deal with it, some think they can deal with it, but when your partner is on the phone to her ex about child arrangements, your partners friends ask them how their ex is behaving in regards to the child, it can all get a bit much for the person who has entered this relationship as an independent person and all his attention is on is his new partner.

 

Can it be frustrating for this person who is totally in love with his partner and it is all they think about all day and on the other hand, their partner has more things to think about like their child and arrangements with the ex? I'd like to hear from people who can relate to this.

 

All you want to do is spend time with your other half but they cannot make plans as quick as you suggest them.

 

Do you feel the relationship develops slowly as opposed to two people who have no ties?

 

When it comes to spending time with your other half and their child do you feel you are not getting valuable time with your other half or they are in the parenting role and not the other half role?

 

So many questions on this subject I feel.

 

Do you often feel frustrated that your other half doesn't see it from your point of view and fails to understand what you have to deal with too?

 

Sometimes you might feel annoyed your partner is texting their ex (innocently) but it is taking their time away from you and her mind is on something else.

 

Does it bother you that she still has to acknowledge theur ex's family? Does it bother you that she knows their ex's family better than she knows yours?

 

Just generalising here. I would like people's thoughts on this from their experience.

 

Thanks

[Raena]

Ok so these relationships are very common, chances are when you get to a certain age your other half will likely have a child from a previous relationship. Some can deal with it, some think they can deal with it, but when your partner is on the phone to her ex about child arrangements, your partners friends ask them how their ex is behaving in regards to the child, it can all get a bit much for the person who has entered this relationship as an independent person and all his attention is on is his new partner.

 

Can it be frustrating for this person who is totally in love with his partner and it is all they think about all day and on the other hand, their partner has more things to think about like their child and arrangements with the ex? I'd like to hear from people who can relate to this.

 

All you want to do is spend time with your other half but they cannot make plans as quick as you suggest them.

This is part of the deal when you date someone with children

Do you feel the relationship develops slowly as opposed to two people who have no ties?

Yes, and it should. My experience though, he was a part time dad so it didn't impact us as much. In hindsight, he should have been more concerned with his child's progress than his relationship with me

When it comes to spending time with your other half and their child do you feel you are not getting valuable time with your other half or they are in the parenting role and not the other half role?

Yes, I felt that way at times. I didn't always know how I was supposed to handle it.

So many questions on this subject I feel.

 

Do you often feel frustrated that your other half doesn't see it from your point of view and fails to understand what you have to deal with too?

That would be frustrating and a sign that they might not be right for me

Sometimes you might feel annoyed your partner is texting their ex (innocently) but it is taking their time away from you and her mind is on something else.

Again, this is part of the deal. I didn't let it bother me.

Does it bother you that she still has to acknowledge theur ex's family? Does it bother you that she knows their ex's family better than she knows yours?

No, that didn't bother me at all.

Just generalising here. I would like people's thoughts on this from their experience.

 

Thanks

 

Dating someone with a child really can be difficult because of the above questions but if you truly want to be with them, you have to accept that you won't always be number one in their lives. It's true even for married couples who have children. There has to be a balance of time alone and time spent with the kids. If you feel yourself jealous of their interactions with their ex because it's taking time from you ... that isn't healthy.

[Gaeta]

Never.

 

The reason is as a parent I made a point of only dating men that were parent as well. Even for people who have older children, being a parent never ends. My daughter is 29 yo. She is my only child. If she is in trouble, if she needs help, need advice, need comfort, she will turn to me and I will never, ever, turn my back on my daughter because a boyfriend who wants time from me.

 

You need to understand that the moment we become a parent something switch in us, something stronger than anything else and it's call instinct. That is stronger than any logic.

[Miss Peach]

I think a lot of this depends on the woman and her situation. In mine I have 50/50 custody with the dad so it affords me 3-4 days per week of childless dating. Even if I were single I would want some time alone. When things progress and the kids get involved we can see each other more.

 

However I know some women who are more solo parenting. It is much harder to get kid free time. Many women in general wait a bit before getting kids involved.

 

I really don't care if I date childless men or men with kids though I know a lot of single moms who want to date single dads. For me what's important is that the guy is OK with my situation and is eventually willing to build a relationship with both of us.

 

I would never turn my back on my kid for a man. But I do want a partner so when it became appropriate, I would be willing to devote quite a bit to a man. I don't think this is really any different though than once a couple becomes a family. Sometime you can't do what you want; you have to do other things like parent/child conferences or sports games too.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am currently dating someone with 2 kids. He doesn't make plans spontaneously, it's booked at least a week in advance. The pace is also slower than what I am used to but I kind of enjoy that. I do worry that he will feel we don't have enough in common since I don't know what being parent is like. But other than that, I actually find the maturity that comes from having a child refreshing. Certainly not a 40 yo party boy.

[Toodaloo]

Depends.

 

I dated a man who had everything sorted with his ex and it didn't bother me in the slightest. We all got on just fine. Never an issue.

 

The guy I recently split up with completely different story. He was not over his ex and she ruled everything. It was hell.

 

To be honest the last ex has put me off dating single fathers... It was really bad and constant dramas.

 

We shall see. I remain open minded about it all.

[cocorico]

 

Do you feel the relationship develops slowly as opposed to two people who have no ties?

 

When it comes to spending time with your other half and their child do you feel you are not getting valuable time with your other half or they are in the parenting role and not the other half role?

 

So many questions on this subject I feel.

 

Do you often feel frustrated that your other half doesn't see it from your point of view and fails to understand what you have to deal with too?

 

Sometimes you might feel annoyed your partner is texting their ex (innocently) but it is taking their time away from you and her mind is on something else.

 

Does it bother you that she still has to acknowledge theur ex's family? Does it bother you that she knows their ex's family better than she knows yours?

 

Just generalising here. I would like people's thoughts on this from their experience.

 

Thanks

 

Way back when I was young, single and childless, I got involved with a divorced father. Rather than developing slowly, I found the R developed extremely rapidly - way more quickly than I was used to. One minute we were drinking coffee after an interesting seminar, discussing the presentation, and the next I found myself being positioned as some kind of integral piece in a makeshift family unit.

 

There were times when I felt that - for my then-SO - his focus was on parenting rather than partnering, and I put a lot of that down to his guilt over the divorce and his own childhood issues but I was young and had other interests so it wasn't too big a deal. His xW was one of those helpless women, though, who couldn't even change a lightbulb, and she would phone him up even though we lived 50km away, which got old pretty quickly.

 

His sister was having issues with her new partner, who also had a kid and an xW, around the same time, and she would grumble to him about that and he'd express surprise, and ask me if I felt the same. It was as though he could not have conceived of anyone feeling like that, until his sister - that he adored - happened to verbalise it.

 

But that was just part of his "baggage", and since it was a package deal, it was a choice to be involved with him. It did improve considerably when his xW remarried, and it helped that I had a really good relationship with his kid.

[Got it]

Ok so these relationships are very common, chances are when you get to a certain age your other half will likely have a child from a previous relationship. Some can deal with it, some think they can deal with it, but when your partner is on the phone to her ex about child arrangements, your partners friends ask them how their ex is behaving in regards to the child, it can all get a bit much for the person who has entered this relationship as an independent person and all his attention is on is his new partner.

 

Can it be frustrating for this person who is totally in love with his partner and it is all they think about all day and on the other hand, their partner has more things to think about like their child and arrangements with the ex? I'd like to hear from people who can relate to this.

 

All you want to do is spend time with your other half but they cannot make plans as quick as you suggest them.

 

Do you feel the relationship develops slowly as opposed to two people who have no ties?

 

When it comes to spending time with your other half and their child do you feel you are not getting valuable time with your other half or they are in the parenting role and not the other half role?

 

So many questions on this subject I feel.

 

Do you often feel frustrated that your other half doesn't see it from your point of view and fails to understand what you have to deal with too?

 

Sometimes you might feel annoyed your partner is texting their ex (innocently) but it is taking their time away from you and her mind is on something else.

 

Does it bother you that she still has to acknowledge theur ex's family? Does it bother you that she knows their ex's family better than she knows yours?

 

Just generalising here. I would like people's thoughts on this from their experience.

 

Thanks

 

No, I can't say I have these struggles with my husband's kids or his relationship towards them or his ex. I encourage the interactions and do not feel slighted.

 

I do think dating/marrying someone who has kids from a previous relationship does require a certain amount of maturity to deal with the emotions. One area where we disagree is I do not overstep disciplining the kids. I hold to the rules that their parents set but I do not enact discipline (they are older kids, young adults now). That is not my role with them.

 

Outside of him spending time alone with them, the ex, etc? No issues.

 

In regards to thinking about the other person more? I would say one needs to open up their world some if they are that focused. Hobbies, friendships, loved ones, etc all take up mental space so I did not see it as grass greener or less than viewpoint.

 

His love of them/others does not depreciate his love for me.