Playing the waiting game..

[justme67]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years this fall. We have one son, 13. I am not in a place to end things right now, but over the summer I got a lot of clarity and do believe if things don't change, in a few years once my son is more mature and independent, I may have if I am to ever be happy. I am almost 50, too.

 

A bit of the story. My husband deals with a lot of insecurities, anxiety, intense hypochondria at times, mood swings, doesn't take care of his health, eats so bad and convinces himself he has some bad disease. He also turns things around whenever there is something he thinks is a criticism. He can be passive aggressive and use sarcastic humor. He can go through periods of having to be right. Even the weather, if he says it is going ot be in the 60s all week, and I don't see that (I may see 80s on my app) and I say so, he will say, there you go again, always disagreeing with me. why can't you just agree. He buries his head in the sand about our money issues and I control all the money. He doesn't pay attention to it and we go into over draft monthly. He will say he will try harder, but only does when I remind him to record his spending or whatever. Sex is non existent. stress over his issues and him refusing to get help for any of them for the past 13 year has killed that. His is a decent father and does a lot for our son, who is also a handful, adhd and OCD, but he also will use passive aggressive techniques with him and it drives my poor kid nuts. He isn't a full blown narcissist. he has the worst self esteem, but he doesn't see it. He is quick to blame others for everything. Or he will try his darn est to turn it around on someone else. He stresses over everything, even yard work on the weekend and feeling like he has to get it all done with our son's sports.I also own my own business and work full time. also on the weekends.

 

We tried marriage counseling last year, but after a few sessions, he wasn't buying into it. I think he hoped I would get fixed and he would get sex again. he wouldn't participate in the exercises or anything unless I said, ok we need to do this. He would expect me to lead, he was not an active participant . The psychologist and his doctor both said he needed therapy and possible meds. He tried a therapist a few times but quit going and finally said he felt he was fine, he had no intention to work on his anxiety and hypochondria at that time. So the light went off that he had no intention of changing and would never be accountable for all of the stress his issues put on me and us over the years. our son is a lot of work, needs his own therapist, needs to be kept busy and is on meds for his OCD. A lot of that falls on me. His dad does do sports, but school, doctors, even discipline falls on me. He also is one of those people that does a lot for people, but expects huge appreciation in return. He looks outside to validate his worth and when he doesn't feel I validate him enough, he gets upset and lashes out. He is not physical at all. MOre he will get moody and turn things around, blame me, etc.

 

I have been working with my own therapist for over a year now. For years I thought I should get one, but time and money, you know. But I finally did and it was the best thing I ever did. I am learning boundaries and to stand up for myself. I was always pretty confident and secure in myself, but had fallen into that co-dependent cycle somewhat. At first I had hoped I would learn now ways to respond and it would cause things to be better around here. In some ways they are, but in most they are not. because things don't change or improve when only one person works on things. At this point we are sleeping in different rooms. He snores so loudly and I get maybe 4 hours of sleep a night for weeks so I end up on the sofa. He was being "nice" he says and sleeps in the other room yet constantly says how sad he is we can't sleep in the same room. He tries to make me feel guilt over it, yet he keeps saying he will see his doctor or do a sleep study, but for 8 months now, nothing.

 

I have gotten stronger and even more confident in myself through therapy. I give my all to my son, and work hard to support and guide him to be the best he can be. He needs a lot of that now, he is very unfocused and hates school, but loves his sports. he has a good heart, but if I did not guide him, he would fail miserably. I am slowly working for him yearly to be more independent so he can go to college if he chooses someday.

 

Money is tight and I don't want to ruin my son's passions of sports now, hockey and soccer. If we separated we could not afford for him to play hockey. THings are not so awful that anyone needs to get out. But they also are not getting better. Not worse, but not better. It has become very obvious over the last year that he has no awareness of all these things I have asked of him to get help for for years now. He would try a couple of time and quit therapy or meds. he clearly has no desire to. I do love him, he is a good person under it all but he gets in his own way and our way too much to really love me fully and support me. If he would just see and be aware and willing to get the help he needs, and make those changes, that would make all the difference in the world, but 13 years and he refuses and won't see it, then blames our problems on me. He will say I use him. he will say i don't appreciate him. Or I think he is an awful person. All poor me tactics.

 

I was so sad this week because I am mourning what I need our marriage to be, what i need him to be and he just can't be that. He won't. I have accepted he is who he is and I don't even ask him anymore to get help. I have given up. I have also told him though when he says he wishes we were closer, that I do too, but unless he gets help and makes some changes, nothing will change. I will not sacrifice my well being for his insecurities. He does give in to his son all the time and for most part will agree to anything I want to do or buy, or places to go, yet he won't address the very important things I have asked for> I think he does the other things because he wants appreciation for being a good guy, to validate his worth. Yet if he just had confidence in himself, he could still be a good guy, but not be a victim.

 

Right now I feel I am just waiting, preparing myself financially, taking some classes, I have to find a much better paying job if I am to support myself as we live in a very expensive area of the country. I work hard now, but money goes to my son's sports, therapy, and I need to be flexible to be home for him after school and working for myself allows that. So really, I am doing that for him. I am trying to grow my business to earn more as well, but again he still needs me a lot. I am planning now that I will try to hang in there until my son graduates or close, and work on financial stability, if things don't change for the better and if he still refuses to see anything, then I am moving on. I am not young and my son will be grown. He may still need support, but at that point he will be 18 and there won't be a custody battle, or child support issues. I don't want to deal with that either. So I am really staying for him and to prepare myself too. I just felt the need for someone to talk to. I tell a couple of friends but I don't have many friends close by and really have no family left. I am an only child, both parents are gone. I don't mind being alone, I am not afraid of that, I enjoy my alone time. But sometimes I feel I just need someone to talk to, you know? His family is great, but again, the in laws are not really marriage support. Anyway, that is the plan as of now. I even lost my desire to convince him to get help anymore. So I don't say anything. Never help anyway. He can be a really good person, when he gets out of his own way. Thanks for reading. Any advice is welcome. But please realize I have tried and tried for years to make him wake up. It is sad, he may be pushing away the very thing he wants the most, a happy marriage and wife.

[Lowrider93]

Just me, you came to the right place to let it out, lots of solid advice you will get.

 

You have been very thorough in describing your situation and that will help in giving our point of view.

 

Although your family has some disfunction it seems with some professional help things could be better, back to why the horse doesn't want to drink the water, he needs to look himself in the mirror and ask himself why he doesn't want a better life.

 

How would he respond if he knew you were thinking of leaving, would it wake him up?

 

If he refuses to improve his and your quality of life then make your plans and look after your own needs.

 

Peace

[justme67]

Just me, you came to the right place to let it out, lots of solid advice you will get.

 

You have been very thorough in describing your situation and that will help in giving our point of view.

 

Although your family has some disfunction it seems with some professional help things could be better, back to why the horse doesn't want to drink the water, he needs to look himself in the mirror and ask himself why he doesn't want a better life.

 

How would he respond if he knew you were thinking of leaving, would it wake him up?

 

If he refuses to improve his and your quality of life then make your plans and look after your own needs.

 

Peace

 

Good questions, thank you! Yes, I think if he was on board with opening himself up and seeing his part, things could be fixable. But he just won't to this point. I am not totally sure what he would do if he knew that now, I honestly don't think much. He would be hurt and wounded, but I do not think it would spur him on to take a good long look at himself. He was married before, for 12 years. No kids for them, and I don't know her. He said she cheated and that ended it. Maybe, I don't know. If his issues had anything to do with it, he clearly didn't get the hint then. But again, I don't know and he won't say his issues had anything to do with it. He swears they don't. That was asked in therapy last year by the therapist. But he also has a HUGE issue with admitting anything like this. He really believes his issues don't exist so it is hard to say. Due to my work schedule and stress level with my son, I have had to let go of the control and caring if he gets help because I have other things that have to come first now. But I do plan to bring this up before just leaving, truly. I plan to give it one ultimatum and see how it flies, when I am ready. But I also have to be prepared if it results in him flying to coup, and financially my son and I are not prepared for that now. So I feel like I have tread carefully. If there was outright abuse, the story would be different and I would not deal with it at all, believe me. But then I would not give it a change either, that is a deal breaker if anything physical comes up ever. So it is a waiting game and I just feel like i am dealing with annoying behaviors until I can really be prepared to give an ultimatum. His history hints though that he will just make it out to be my fault, and he will act like oh poor me and feel wounded. I get it, but at some point if he wants this he needs to have a wake up call. Nothing yet has worked, short of leaving and I am not ready yet. I am feeling better today, but it still stinks.

[Mr. Lucky]

Money is tight and I don't want to ruin my son's passions of sports now, hockey and soccer. If we separated we could not afford for him to play hockey. THings are not so awful that anyone needs to get out. But they also are not getting better. Not worse, but not better. It has become very obvious over the last year that he has no awareness of all these things I have asked of him to get help for for years now. He would try a couple of time and quit therapy or meds. he clearly has no desire to. I do love him, he is a good person under it all but he gets in his own way and our way too much to really love me fully and support me. If he would just see and be aware and willing to get the help he needs, and make those changes, that would make all the difference in the world, but 13 years and he refuses and won't see it, then blames our problems on me. He will say I use him. he will say i don't appreciate him. Or I think he is an awful person. All poor me tactics.

 

While your son is learning about hockey and soccer, he's also learning about life by watching the interactions between you and your husband.

 

And before you say "he doesn't know' or "we never fight in front of him", trust me - he does and you do. Absent any real progress, five more years is a long time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sac555]

Sounds like you have been trying so much to get things turned around..

So sorry that it doesn't seem to be working.

I remember once our pastor said he gives 2 words of advice when counseling for marriage problems..

Love him.

He says that when we start just trying to love on someone...you know, doing things like when you dated, going out of your way not to complain, or act like he's a bother, etc. that you end up remembering why you got married. I know it's been many years, so now some of this just may be a habit. Maybe you could try to set time aside and ask him for a date, or whatever. My husband snores terribly too and sometimes I sneak out to sleep somewhere else! He doesn't like it when I do either. A friend of mine puts on headphones to sleep because her husband snores so loudly! haha. I don't think I could sleep with them on! However, she swears by it and has been doing that for years. I would encourage him to finish his sleep study! My DIL was going through the same thing as we are and our DS ended up doing the sleep stuff and sleeps with something that helps him...which helps her too!

I think counseling is great...but you may want him to go with you!

[justme67]

While your son is learning about hockey and soccer, he's also learning about life by watching the interactions between you and your husband.

 

And before you say "he doesn't know' or "we never fight in front of him", trust me - he does and you do. Absent any real progress, five more years is a long time...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, I totally agree that he is learning about life, too. Thankfully we don't really fight, my husband bickers with everyone but I have started long ago to not engage and my son also learns healthy ways to interact from my example. I know my son knows a lot. He is a pretty bright kid. In the situation for my son, I am don't think leaving now would be the best situation for him. I am not one to think people should stay together for the kids, truly. But if I left now, my son's life would change so dramatically that he could spiral into depression. He would have to likely give up hockey and he dreams of going to the NHL. As long as everyone is safe and reasonably healthy and happy, I believe it is best to let him keep the life he knows for as long as I can until he graduates. I do totally know that 5 years is a long time when there is no progress. I wish I had more choice in that right now, believe me. I would give an ultimatum now if I could. But we would lose our house, my son would lose his school, all his sports, and he already is on meds for anxiety and OCD, he also can get depressed when feeling a lot of stress. So I am really trying to do what I feel is best for him. It stinks to feel trapped, but if it was just me, I would do whatever i could to move forward now. It would also devastate my husband not to see his son everyday right now. But I sure do know that it is a long time and I think about that a lot. I just don't see a better option now without hurting my son terribly.

[justme67]

Sounds like you have been trying so much to get things turned around..

So sorry that it doesn't seem to be working.

I remember once our pastor said he gives 2 words of advice when counseling for marriage problems..

Love him.

He says that when we start just trying to love on someone...you know, doing things like when you dated, going out of your way not to complain, or act like he's a bother, etc. that you end up remembering why you got married. I know it's been many years, so now some of this just may be a habit. Maybe you could try to set time aside and ask him for a date, or whatever. My husband snores terribly too and sometimes I sneak out to sleep somewhere else! He doesn't like it when I do either. A friend of mine puts on headphones to sleep because her husband snores so loudly! haha. I don't think I could sleep with them on! However, she swears by it and has been doing that for years. I would encourage him to finish his sleep study! My DIL was going through the same thing as we are and our DS ended up doing the sleep stuff and sleeps with something that helps him...which helps her too!

I think counseling is great...but you may want him to go with you!

 

Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate it. I wish it were that easy. We have tried things like that in the past and honestly, my husband can't get out of his own way. The sleep thing is hard because I get only 3-4 hours of sleep a night and I can't wear earplugs. I hate them and I need to wake up for work and school. I can't sleep through my alarm. He just won't do the sleep study, likely because his health fears and fears of going to the doctor.. It is too bad.But so much is in his court that. there isn't much I can do anymore. I honestly got to the point of sheer emotional exhaustion and was heading towards depression a bit over a year ago. We did try counseling last year together, he point blank said he had no issues and refused to be accountable for his part in this all. he would go and sit there, but never really participate. He keeps asking if I want to go back, but I require him to see a therapist on his own, too, LIke I already do. I do try to put down my anger and resentment, it will get to a point where things are ok for a week, and he will make up another crisis or drama. It is like a roller coaster.