29 and Ready to Settle Down

[superconfusedguy]

Hey all.

 

I'm a 29 year old guy. I'm a health care provider and former military office that just got out of the military and moved to a new location (large metro area).

 

I've never been great with romantic relationships, but I'm close with my family and have many close friends.

 

I haven't had a girlfriend since college and I'm not really sure why that is. Women do seem to be at least somewhat into me initially. Some (though, by all means, not all) go on dates with me, but things never seem to go anywhere. I haven't had a ton of trouble sleeping with women in the past (although, obviously, it has never been effortless), but I've had far more trouble getting them to see me as more than that for some reason.

 

For a some time, I thought that it was my looks (specifically my height). I figured that maybe these girls are actually into me, but are concerned that their friends and family wouldn't approve. I decided that this probably wasn't the primary reason (though it could be part of it, I'm still not sure).

 

My mother (who I'm close with) tells me that she thinks it's because I don't have patience with women and don't pursue. Many of my female friends tell me the same thing.

 

This is true, but I'm a little confused as to how this is all supposed to work. At what point do I continue to pursue and at what point do I throw in the towel? People tell me that, as a man, I should lead. But what if the woman doesn't follow or only follows sometimes?

 

Now, in the past, when I was only looking for fun, I honestly don't know what worked. Sometimes, a girl would be into me right away for seemingly no reason. Other times, I would try to get her out weekly and eventually succeed after a few months. Still other times, I pursued and got nowhere. So what gives? What's the answer here?

[somegu]

As men we need to put ourselves out there thousands and thousands of times to get what we want.

 

Women want a variety of different things from men in relationships. It sounds like you have been positioning yourself as more of a short term lover than as relationship material. Look at what you have to offer and be honest with yourself.

 

Go to social clubs or events where women will be and you can do hobbies/activities that you enjoy where you have something in common and can share that together. Be fun, friendly and outgoing.

 

Read online or books written by men about how to attract and get good women. There is a lot of good sources out there generally I find the best sites are specifically tailored for men and created by a single or small group of men not a large corporation or some bs site like huff po or menshealth. Reddit, girlschase.com and roosh V are all good places to start. (I know roosh V is widely considered a misogynist and not all the advice on his site is good but you can learn a lot from that site)

 

The answer is attracting and keeping good women in relationships is hard work and you have to put that work in. There is no short cut there is no single answer.

 

You should stop pursuing women when

1. you are no longer interested in them

2. they tell you clearly that they are not interested

3. they are behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you in a relationship and arn't making a concerted effort to change

4. it is making you look desperate (in this case you can just go radio silent for a month or two then re-initiate contact if you wish)

5. they are in a committed relationship and you want more than sex from them

[amaysngrace]

Maybe you haven't found a woman who is marriage material yet. Do you date these women or just hook up with them with very little effort on your part?

[Satu]

snip

Now, in the past, when I was only looking for fun, I honestly don't know what worked. Sometimes, a girl would be into me right away for seemingly no reason. Other times, I would try to get her out weekly and eventually succeed after a few months. Still other times, I pursued and got nowhere. So what gives? What's the answer here?

 

When you meet the right person, both of you will know it and things will flow naturally

 

It will be qualitatively different from your other encounters.

 

You just haven't met her yet.

 

Expand your social circle, meet new people, do new things, be social and sociable, and you'll find someone who wants what you want.

 

 

Take care.

[superconfusedguy]

As men we need to put ourselves out there thousands and thousands of times to get what we want.

 

Women want a variety of different things from men in relationships. It sounds like you have been positioning yourself as more of a short term lover than as relationship material. Look at what you have to offer and be honest with yourself.

 

I'm not really sure what I have to offer. I'm a professional and have a lot of money in the bank. No debt of any kind. I'm very ambitious (I'm building up a side business as well). Average body (but I'm working on changing that). Definitely intelligent (legit intelligent....my current profession requires extremely good grades and significant schooling and academic successes).

 

I think probably my biggest limitation is my height. But I can't change that. I'm not a model and I'm not interested in dating one either (frankly, I find very good-looking women to be intimidating).

 

Go to social clubs or events where women will be and you can do hobbies/activities that you enjoy where you have something in common and can share that together. Be fun, friendly and outgoing.

I've signed up for multiple Meetup events. So I'm doing this for sure. I'm also re-acquainting myself with church and looking into teaching my local college.

 

Read online or books written by men about how to attract and get good women. There is a lot of good sources out there generally I find the best sites are specifically tailored for men and created by a single or small group of men not a large corporation or some bs site like huff po or menshealth. Reddit, girlschase.com and roosh V are all good places to start. (I know roosh V is widely considered a misogynist and not all the advice on his site is good but you can learn a lot from that site)

I've done A LOT of this in the past. I'm familiar with all of the people that you mention and read girlschase regularly. I was very heavily into PUA in the late 2000s. I think that's partially the reason why I developed into a one night stand guy. Prior to that, I didn't get laid often at all, but I got girls that wanted to be my girlfriend.

 

The answer is attracting and keeping good women in relationships is hard work and you have to put that work in. There is no short cut there is no single answer.

Yes, I've shied away from putting work in. I was spoiled in college and didn't need to put any work in.

 

You should stop pursuing women when

1. you are no longer interested in them

2. they tell you clearly that they are not interested

3. they are behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you in a relationship and arn't making a concerted effort to change

4. it is making you look desperate (in this case you can just go radio silent for a month or two then re-initiate contact if you wish)

5. they are in a committed relationship and you want more than sex from them

Good advice. Thanks!

 

Maybe you haven't found a woman who is marriage material yet. Do you date these women or just hook up with them with very little effort on your part?

 

In the past, I honestly believed that if a woman made me put in significant effort, then she wasn't interested in me. I believed that anything less than a resounding and enthusiastic "yes" was a "no". So I only dated women that gave me a resounding yes and made things very easy for me. Unfortunately, this led to way more problems in the end.

 

snip

 

 

When you meet the right person, both of you will know it and things will flow naturally

 

It will be qualitatively different from your other encounters.

 

You just haven't met her yet.

 

 

This is what I've been told by family and friends. I really haven't met anyone that I want to put effort into. I've met many women that I know I should want to put effort in. So I've been trying to force it, but it hasn't been working.

Edited September 28, 2016 by superconfusedguy

[preraph]

It sounds like your friends and mother pointed out something that is holding you back. I'm going to guess it's that if things don't go just the right way you'd like it, you get a chip on your shoulder about it and get feelings hurt and just quit instead of realizing that all people think differently and act differently and that no one is going to fit right into your script of what the ideal woman would act like. If that is the case, please just realize that you can't find a woman by waiting to find the one in your head that is the perfect match. You find them by exploring different ones and seeing if you're compatible ENOUGH to also accept the imperfections.

 

And i would also just make sure you are dating near your own age or even a little older if you're finding nonserious women or women who flake and seem immature.

[amaysngrace]

I think you need to slow down and take it one day at a time. Probably the worse thing you can do right now is think you're turning 30 so you need to settle down.

 

Just live your life the best way that you see fit and go do things you've wanted to do before you settle down.

 

If you find someone special along the way come back and ask for help if you need it but life's too short to be worrying about how to handle a relationship that hasn't happened yet.

 

Live for you!

[superconfusedguy]

It sounds like your friends and mother pointed out something that is holding you back. I'm going to guess it's that if things don't go just the right way you'd like it, you get a chip on your shoulder about it and get feelings hurt and just quit instead of realizing that all people think differently and act differently and that no one is going to fit right into your script of what the ideal woman would act like. If that is the case, please just realize that you can't find a woman by waiting to find the one in your head that is the perfect match. You find them by exploring different ones and seeing if you're compatible ENOUGH to also accept the imperfections.

 

This is true. It's certainly possible that I've been expecting too much from women. As far back as I can remember, if a woman rejected me, I would just accept it, even if it wasn't even a straight "no", even if the woman started chasing me.

 

My mother and female friends constantly tell me that I need to pursue more and that I get worked up (privately, not in the woman's presence) over nothing.

 

It's kind of funny. In my work and business and even with non-romantic relationships, I can take a lot of punches and very little fazes me. But when it comes to dealing with women in a romantic sense, I'm practically a basket case.

 

I will go to the end of the Earth to save a friendship or help a friend in need, but I don't typically do this when I'm dating a woman. Not sure why, but it doesn't come natural or instinctive to me at all.

 

And i would also just make sure you are dating near your own age or even a little older if you're finding nonserious women or women who flake and seem immature.

 

I typically only date professionals. I stay away from women under 25. I've dated as old as 39, but couldn't get myself to actually make a physical move on her. So nothing came of it.

 

I think you need to slow down and take it one day at a time. Probably the worse thing you can do right now is think you're turning 30 so you need to settle down.

 

It doesn't have anything to do with turning 30. It has more to do with me just being ready.

 

I'm definitely not just dating anyone. I'm actually way more selective with my dating than I've ever been.

 

Just live your life the best way that you see fit and go do things you've wanted to do before you settle down.

 

I've been in the military, gotten my masters, traveled all over the world, lived all over the country, work in my desired field, and now I'm starting my own business.

 

I've literally done everything I've ever wanted to do besides get married and have kids.

 

If you find someone special along the way come back and ask for help if you need it but life's too short to be worrying about how to handle a relationship that hasn't happened yet.

 

Live for you!

 

I am, for sure. I'm involved with a ton of things. But I'm also trying to be proactive in finding someone since that's what "living for me" requires.

[preraph]

This is true. It's certainly possible that I've been expecting too much from women. As far back as I can remember, if a woman rejected me, I would just accept it, even if it wasn't even a straight "no", even if the woman started chasing me.

 

My mother and female friends constantly tell me that I need to pursue more and that I get worked up (privately, not in the woman's presence) over nothing.

 

It's kind of funny. In my work and business and even with non-romantic relationships, I can take a lot of punches and very little fazes me. But when it comes to dealing with women in a romantic sense, I'm practically a basket case.

 

I will go to the end of the Earth to save a friendship or help a friend in need, but I don't typically do this when I'm dating a woman. Not sure why, but it doesn't come natural or instinctive to me at all.

 

 

 

 

My dad was a bit like that, but he was that way with everyone but only in certain circumstances. He was easily humiliated. I remember once I felt so bad for him because in our sprawling but not very populated down in the 1960s he drove us, his family, to a rare treat of eating at a steakhouse. We never ate out. He did, because of his work, but only at lunch. So we went and they told us there would be a little wait as he didn't think to have reservations, and the poor man got very angry and we just left because his pride was so hurt over that. I truly believe that was leftover from some childhood issues he had because the only times I would see him get teary or sort of act humiliated that way was when we'd touch upon some subject to do with his strict mother, who I guess (as most parents did back then) probably spanked him with a belt or whatever. I know his humiliation and anger was rooted very far back, anyway.

 

It is some sort of trigger for you that you have a problem taking anything except immediate acceptance by females, and you'd probably benefit from getting to the bottom of it and understanding it. You might start by simply thinking back to the first times you felt that same way, going all the way back to childhood. What made you feel hurt like that originally? Give it some thought and maybe you can get the cobwebs out and not be so sensitive with some work. Because you're getting hurt, then angry, and anger is based in fear. You'll have to work it out because if you did meet and marry even the most willing and warm woman, no marriage is free from challenges and times when she rejects you or doesn't give in.

 

Good luck. It's not anything that can't be worked on. But don't let your life go by letting this little tick keep you from happiness.