Wife had affair now needs space. I want to save my marriage

[merrmeade]

Of course you need to grieve the loss, this isn't what you ever thought would happen, you got married, had kids, built a life together. It's like a death - and has to be grieved. Do counseling to help you cope with this in a healthy way.

And this honesty and recognition of what you're feeling and doing is also healthy. You don't want to deny what you feel and need to do as long as you have your head clear about what's possible. Yes, you have to grieve.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wes, how are you doing? I would suggest that you keep posting here so that you get the necessary moral support to keep you going through this difficult time. In future if your wife calls either ignore her call or ask her to call the OM to fix her problems for her. Tell her you don't want to have anything to do with her. Tell her you are in the process of erasing her memory from your mind and that you barely remember who she is. Let her suffer some of the pain she inflicted on you.

 

Also live a good life. Don't mope. Treat your self to some good times. Do those things that you gave up because you were a family man. Go to a bar or a club where they have dancing or anything else that you like. If you are a bike aficionado then get yourself a bike and go out riding. Do anything active to get you out of the house. If you stay at home you will mope so distract yourself. Hope this helps some. Wishing you well.

[40somethingGuy]

I know you're right and I have begun to accept it that the marriage is over. She has moved out and into her own place after i asked her to and I agree that she does want the separation but for some reason can't tell me directly that's what she wants. Was able to go have an affair while only thinking about herself but can't look her husband in the eyes and deliver the final dagger. Guess that shows me the type of person she has chosen to become. So I have accepted that I can't put anymore time or energy into saving something that isn't there.

 

Problem now is it doesn't make the hurt stop. I have detached as much as I'm able to right now. I have stopped all communication with her outside of our daughter. I tried to stop being there for her but when she called up crying last Thursday about an issue at her place I went there and fixed it no question. I'm mad at myself that I did it but live and learn.

 

I'm working on the fake it till you make it system right now. I find myself looking at pictures of her/us I still have on my phone and Facebook and wishing that it wasn't this way but I'm sure like everything else time will wash this pain away too. I spend a lot of time at the gym right now but still struggle to eat and sleep. I didn't ask for any of this but it's what got dropped on me. I know my story is no different than the hundreds of others I have read on this board in the last month.

 

Thanks for all the help and advice people. While it was hard to accept it does help to read from those who have experienced this before. I hope to some day pay it forward.

 

No doubt you are a good person. Please don't take this as an attack but you really sound like you have been a doormat and likely have been for a long time. To you it is out of love. To her, you failed her tests of your centered manhood for a long time and that is why she can't explain how she is no longer in love with you. Did you ever put your foot down on things in the past or did you let her have her way in inordinate amount of time?