Wife had affair now needs space. I want to save my marriage

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wes, you have been given a lot of good advice and along with that a lot of moral support in your fight against your wife's infidelity. By all accounts it seems your wife is still deep in her affair and apparently, you are wasting precious time trying to 'nice' her back into your life. As BryanP is won't to say" If you do not respect yourself then who else will"? You see the only way is the way forward leaving your wife's infidelity in your rear view mirror. For inspiration I would draw your attention to the stories of Jeff1690 and Andrew42 in the Separation and Divorce sub forum. You will get a clear picture of what your wife has become when you read about how the wives of these two gentlemen, have turned over a new and ugly leaf. The once loving and devoted spouses have turned into nasty and hateful witches who their husbands cannot even recognise even though, outwardly, they look the same. You can replace either one of these women with your wife and you won't even blink!

 

It is time for you to cut the umbilical cord with your wife and for the sake of your sanity and well being, move forward. Even if you start the divorce proceedings you can always stop it at any time before completion if your wife reverts yo the person she was before her infidelity and wants to reconcile and work on your marriage. If not, well you have not wasted your time and will soon be free of her. Even after divorce, if she turns over a new leaf and becomes remorseful and wants to give marriage with you a second try, you can give her that second chance with your eyes wide open, if you choose to do so and build a new relationship with her minus all the shortcomings on either side. However, you will have the upper hand in any such union going forward and you can include a present nup yo safe guard your interests from future problems if these should arise. You should read the story of DKT3 and LovingDKT3 for a reconciliation after such a divorce. It will be educative. All the above people have been/ are still in the position that you find yourself in. Cheers.

[usa1ah]

First thing, you did the right thing telling the POSOM's wife what was going on.

 

Next thing, you need to 180 that lying cheating pathetic excuse of a wife you have. Her cheating is NOT your fault. Just because she was not happy is no excuse for what she has done.

[Wes25]

Quick update and info for the people asking. Please know that I sincerely appreciate all the information that has been given to me even if I haven't been strong enough to follow it.

My wife is no longer in the affair. Telling the OM's wife helped put an end to it, to the point where my wife now has a hate toward him. I'll catch you up as to why. I found a letter my wife wrote to him shortly after I told the OM'S wife saying that she understands that they can have no contact and he has chosen his family but she does not regret what they did and he made her feel what falling in love is supposed to feel like. Obviously this cut me extremely deep and I was furious. I left that night and went to a friend's for the night.

 

I came home the next day and my wife and I talked. She explained how she felt that she was in love with him, that she can only remember the bad parts of our marriage. However that she know feels that he only lied to her to get what he wanted and she was stupid enough to give it because she was unhappy. She now has great disdain for him. So the affair is over.

 

She also finally told the entire timeline and events. It was much more than I imagined. Much more than she was telling me at the time. This wasn't the actions of the woman I love. This was another woman.

 

I asked her if she could commit to working on the marriage then and now which she explained that she couldn't. That she didn't know who she was anymore. That she felt disgusting and wondering how anyone could love her, especially me she doesn't know what will make her happy.

 

At that time it was decided that if she wasn't going to work on the marriage then she would need to move out. Which she did the next day.

 

We were together this weekend for the long weekend (I'm Canadian) and did not fight. Obviously discussed it but there was no changes on her decision as she says she can't even look herself in the mirror right now. She is starting counselling on Wednesday which I am happy and will help I hope. I truly believe that the fog has lifted and she is truly devastated right now. She can't see anything but her pain and feels that she is saving me from future hurt by not committing but what do I know

 

Even knowing the entire truth I still want my wife back. I want my family. Are there issues to work through. Of course. Do I want to work through them together. Yes. I wish she could commit to the marriage but she can't right now.

 

So here I am now alone, splitting time with my daughter , still hurting and knowing I need to start the 180. I guess now I'm asking for help to start that. How do I do that when I'm not strong enough.

[BluesPower]

Dude... Please.

 

Look you don't know how much if anything she is telling you is true.

 

For your sake and the sake of the children, just divorce her now. How much more do you need to be disrespected in order to be done with her. What would it take to make you understand that she thinks you are a weak fool and not much of a man.

 

Please just divorce her, she never deserved you, and you never deserved anything she did to you.

[S2B]

Why are you spending time with her when she's set you at the curb like yesterday's garbage?

 

Divorce her! She's not sorry she cheated - she's just sorry she got caught!

 

And she isn't doing everything in her power to repair the marriage - she is STILL selfishly thinking of herself.

 

 

The ONLY way this may be repaired ---> is when she ONLY thinks of YOUR feelings...not hers. And since she isn't - the M is over.

[Bufo]

It is often stated here that you cannot reconcile a marriage by yourself. That's what you are trying to do. She is unhappy because she got unceremoniously dumped by OM who kicked her to the curb to preserve his marriage. That she says she now hates him for telling her all those lies does not mean she now loves you. If she were a two year old she'd go from tantrum to pouting. Watch for that happening.

 

There are many examples in posts here about true repentance She isn't displaying any of those characteristics now. Unless I've missed something not even a word of apology to you.

 

She remembers all the lies he told her but hasn't given a thought to all the lies she told you.

 

And ultimately the question is what is she doing to find out why she had an affair and what is she doing to change that so it won't happen again? I see nothing in your posts along those lines. MC isn't going to do the trick as she will use it as a forum to explain in exquisite detail every perceived flaw of yours and how it damaged the marriage. If you must go that route make it perfectly clear that none of that matters unless the A is dealt with in MC or IC for her as you cannot stay married to an unrepentant cheater. It's that tough and it's that simple. If the counselor wants to discuss your perceive flaws first thank him

Or her for the time but end the session. Save your money for legal fees.

[Cephalopod]

My God in heaven.

 

Um, she has told you she's not into you dude. Why do you keep trying?

 

Move on. Show some self respect. The more you ask her for R the more she's going to despise you.

[S2B]

What do you think she needs "space" for? It's usually to distance oneself from others. It's to create a separate life. It's selfish.

 

And meanwhile...back at home you want that back? Why?

 

Nobody, I repeat NOBODY should have to beg to be loved they way they deserve.

 

Stop begging her to love you... She's not interested.

[aileD]

I understand you, Wes.

[Mr Blunt]

By Wes

she understands that they can have no contact and he has chosen his family but she does not regret what they did and he made her feel what falling in love is supposed to feel like.

 

I asked her if she could commit to working on the marriage then and now which she explained that she couldn't. That she didn't know who she was anymore. That she felt disgusting and wondering how anyone could love her, especially me she doesn't know what will make her happy.

 

she says she can't even look herself in the mirror right now. She can't see anything but her pain

 

Even knowing the entire truth I still want my wife back.. I wish she could commit to the marriage but she can't right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

At this time you do not have any chance of getting your wife to be what you want. In fact you may never be able to R with her so that you have a reciprocal loving relationship.

 

You are going to have to learn to get stronger and more self-sufficient. Do not give us any rationalizations that you cannot get stronger; in fact you have two choices. Get stronger or become a door mat that will be no good for anyone. You will have to get the right help and then DO IT! Will it be hard? YES, but it will be harder for you to keep crying about your loss. And not improve your emotional pain. No one can make you do the 180 or anything else that will help you; you have to realize that you have to face reality and get tougher. Others may help but you have to act first!

 

You are compromising your respect bigtime because you want your hurt to go away and you are willing to grovel. Your compromising and groveling will make you a pitiful man so force yourself to think of only you and your children. Make yourself push out all thoughts of your wife; your hopes to get her back right now are a complete fantasy that will keep you from getting better.

 

 

When you get stronger then you will respect yourself and have a better chance of attracting women. A good woman does not want a wimp for a husband.

 

The bottom line is what I said several days ago in this thread. Here it is reprinted below:

 

 

“Your emotional life is at stake and you are either going to do things to get back your respect and build yourself up or you are going to be a doormat.”

 

 

Wes, are you going to take actions?

[Wade Lamare]

What do you think she needs "space" for? It's usually to distance oneself from others.

 

Or she still has fond hopes of attracting OM back with Wes not around. That is my usual go to translation of "I want space." When she finds out that OM is not coming back expect her tune to change.

 

Why are you spending time with her when she's set you at the curb like yesterday's garbage?

 

Divorce her! She's not sorry she cheated - she's just sorry she got caught!

 

And she isn't doing everything in her power to repair the marriage - she is STILL selfishly thinking of herself.

 

 

The ONLY way this may be repaired ---> is when she ONLY thinks of YOUR feelings...not hers. And since she isn't - the M is over.

 

Yep!

 

She remembers all the lies he told her but hasn't given a thought to all the lies she told you.

 

^ Absolutely spot on!

 

 

So here I am now alone, splitting time with my daughter , still hurting and knowing I need to start the 180. I guess now I'm asking for help to start that. How do I do that when I'm not strong enough.

 

Fake it chap. Fake it till you make it. It'll be hard, you'll relapse, make mistakes, you'll wonder if you're doing the right thing and you'll want nothing more than to hold her and apologise to her for causing her to boink another man. (sarcasm)

You'll fake it until one day you'll suddenly realise that it's not quite so much of a fake as it was, it'll get easier when you are no longer concerned about a nasty, vindictive and blame shifting spouse.

 

Be very very careful Wes, at some point when she realises that OM is not coming back she will have an "Oh F***" moment. She will suddenly realise that she is a 30? something cheating wife with an OM who used her for sex then dumped her as though he was scraping dog poo off his shoe. Then she'll realise that she has a warm, comfortable home with a daughter and husband who seem to love her despite everything. She'll then have a good idea, she'll simply go back home and everything will be lovely for her again. All she has to do is throw an apology your way or have a little cry and then her life is back to normal.

Please,please,please do not let her do this, at least not this way.

 

So, she remembers all the bad bits in the marriage? Wes that is how these things operate. Many wayward spouses do this to a certain degree.

 

It goes like this, "OMG I'm having an affair on my faithful spouse." "That can't be as I'm a good person."

So consciously or sub consciously they then start rationalising their affair. If there were problems in the marriage then that, in their mind, is a reason for their affair.

So they then start inventing problems or amplifying minor problems to justify what they are doing. "He always leaves the toilet seat up." "He sometimes forgets to take the trash out." This all accelerates until a marriage that was a quite normal marriage with ups and downs is transformed in their mind into the marriage from hell.

 

There is one poster here whose wife in an MC session gave one of her reasons for the affair as "We never did anything together as a family you were always too busy." Her puzzled husband then showed her all the photographs of the various outings the family had been on and to which she'd been invited. She broke down in tears when she realised that she'd blown off all the family outings to be with her OM.

 

More often than not a crappy marriage does not lead to an affair. An affair leads to a crappy marriage.

[Friskyone4u]

Wes,

 

What your wife has told you is that her affair was much worse, if that term can be used, than you imagined. She has also made it clear ( you just do not see it) that while she is pissed off and mad at him, she would bang him again in a heartbeat if he could fool his wife. And do not think that may not happen and her "space" is for her freedom, not any guilt. Her poor little muffin feelings are hurt and she is embarrassed that OM did not dump his wife and "rescue" her from you.

 

You also need to understand the 180 is NOT a strategy to win her back but for you to DETACH from her. There is nothing she has said to you that would indicate any possibility that she has any intention of trying to restore a faithful monogamous relationship. So you need to face the reality that you cannot do this by yourself, and that as long as you want her back under any circumstances she dictates you are just going to set yourself up again.

 

If she really was remorseful she would be begging and slobbering on the floor asking you to give her another chance. Instead she is choosing to separate and it is a load of crap it is because she hates herself or is guilty. She got played and no one likes that .

 

So yes, you were successful in putting at least a temporary halt to the affair, which she would not have done. But now you do not know what OM wife will do or not do, and you can bet your ass if she throws him out his first move will be to hook up with your wife again. And you can also bet if he finds out you two are not living together he will come sniffing around for more sex.

 

Until you accept that she is not coming back and act accordingly you are going to be in limbo. Yes, it is going to be hard and painful, but how was being with a woman who was cheating on you and refused to stop. Think that would continue to be "fun"?

 

Get into IC if you are not, and time heals everything.

[Buckeye2]

The ONLY reason that she’s giving you the time of day is the security and stability you provide. During the affair she had you for that and the OM for fun. It was probably the best time of her life as demonstrated by the following:

 

I found a letter my wife wrote to him shortly after I told the OM'S wife saying that she understands that they can have no contact and he has chosen his family but she does not regret what they did and he made her feel what falling in love is supposed to feel like.

 

He chose his family. She “chose” hers by default because the OM didn’t want her.

 

You need to put divorce on the table. The only leverage you have is her fear that she will lose those things you provide. If you immediately start working on your marriage you’re saying that you love her and your family so much that she can do anything. Why in the world wouldn’t she have another affair? If you catch her you will not hesitate to take her back. Maybe next time she will find a guy that wants her long term.

 

At least make her sweat that you might divorce her. If you force any gift onto someone it doesn’t seem as valuable.

Edited October 13, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Oberfeldwebel]

So here I am now alone, splitting time with my daughter , still hurting and knowing I need to start the 180. I guess now I'm asking for help to start that. How do I do that when I'm not strong enough.

 

It is a valid question when you are facing a task that just seems insurmountable. It is like the old story "how do you eat an elephant sandwich?" and the answer is "one bite at a time". There is no way that you can do it all at once, it has to be one day at a time. Some days you will do better than others, but you have to get up, dust yourself off and try harder the next day. Eventually, it will get better, but it takes time. You need to concentrate your efforts on you and your daughter, that is enough for now.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wes, how are you doing? No doubt you are faced with a very difficult situation in your life. I guess it will take you time to come to terms with the changed reality of your life. However, you are the soldier in a war. Your wife is the enemy and you have just lost your buddy, the person next to you whom you would have trusted with your life. Your old ' Good' wife, the girl you fell in love with and who also fell in love with you. The girl you made your vows with in front of a priest( I am talking symbolically in case you had a civil marriage in front of a magistrate). The woman with whom you had a child, the symbol of your undying love for her, and who till yesterday was fighting beside you. Now all of a sudden she has defected to the enemy side with all your secrets and knowledge of all your weaknesses which she can share with the enemy. She has become the big bad witch now and you have to protect yourself and your daughter from her.

 

The fact is that although I have painted a symbolic picture of your situation, it closely resembles your reality. You have to treat your wife as your bitterest enemy and come to dislike her enough to take serious action against her. It is only when you do that that you will be able to move forward rather than being mired in the mushiness of the past. Your wife is no more the woman she was who you married as cheese is the same as chalk. Whether you like it or not you have to man up and start taking all those actions which will insulate you from her and protect you from all the devious machinations that she will come up with and there will be many. Start with the 180 but there will be much more that you will have to do. Others have listed out a lot of practical steps for you to take. You can also scan the forums for cases similar to yours to see how the protagonists there handled their cases. You will learn valuable techniques and tactics there. Use them. Remember this is a war and if you win your wife loses. If you lose she wins at least in the short term. So forge ahead regardless. Warm wishes.

[Bufo]

Regarding that post discovery letter. Think she's lying to OM too? I don't. Those are her genuine feelings. She wants him but can't have him right now. You need to take action for yourself. Things aren't going to get better with an unrepentant wife. Who has no remorse for what she chose to do but rather only regret that she got caught.

 

Please read and heed what so many posters who have been there and done that are telling you.

[S2B]

Wes,

 

Why do you want a woman back that wants another man? Why?

[Grapesofwrath]

Wes: I'm afraid there is nothing to save here. She has told you, in numerous ways, that she no longer wants to be married to you. She has not asked directly for a divorce because she is conflict-avoidant. She doesn't have the courage to ask for what she wants.

 

I can't begin to imagine how painful this is for you. It is heart-breaking. You didn't ask for this, yet here it is. The only thing left now is to lift your chin and proceed in a way that allows you to keep your dignity. If she wants out, let her out. Caging someone who doesn't love you is a prison, too.

[Wes25]

I know you're right and I have begun to accept it that the marriage is over. She has moved out and into her own place after i asked her to and I agree that she does want the separation but for some reason can't tell me directly that's what she wants. Was able to go have an affair while only thinking about herself but can't look her husband in the eyes and deliver the final dagger. Guess that shows me the type of person she has chosen to become. So I have accepted that I can't put anymore time or energy into saving something that isn't there.

 

Problem now is it doesn't make the hurt stop. I have detached as much as I'm able to right now. I have stopped all communication with her outside of our daughter. I tried to stop being there for her but when she called up crying last Thursday about an issue at her place I went there and fixed it no question. I'm mad at myself that I did it but live and learn.

 

I'm working on the fake it till you make it system right now. I find myself looking at pictures of her/us I still have on my phone and Facebook and wishing that it wasn't this way but I'm sure like everything else time will wash this pain away too. I spend a lot of time at the gym right now but still struggle to eat and sleep. I didn't ask for any of this but it's what got dropped on me. I know my story is no different than the hundreds of others I have read on this board in the last month.

 

Thanks for all the help and advice people. While it was hard to accept it does help to read from those who have experienced this before. I hope to some day pay it forward.

[Cephalopod]

Stop running to take care of your wife's problems. She fired you as her husband. Remember?

[S2B]

I hope you're not footing the bill for her new place. She can pay to play!

 

Next time she cries to you about anything tell her SHE can figure out how to fix her own problems - OR better yet let it go to VM every time and don't return her call unless it's about your child.

 

Have you moved money into your name only? Have you closed her credit cards? You should immediately. Stop doing anything that allows her to screw you over even more.

[Wes25]

Nope not paying for anything. All money has been moved. I know I shouldn't have went over its just what I did for 16 years. Tough habit to break but I won't do it again. I was upset with myself for coming to the rescue this time.

[Jersey born raised]

Acceptance is a huge first step. Healing will never occur until a person has achieved it. Now focus on building a new life for you and your daughter. In the future the only reason to speak with her is about your daughter.

 

Know this when she calls and begins to discuss problems with anything else, it is because the OM does not want to deal with it. Your resonse should be "what does OM think you should do, ask him.

[Mz. Pixie]

I am probably the exception to the rule when I say it does not hurt for you to go over there and repair things.

 

It's not for her sake, it's for the sake of your daughter who has to live there. As long as you can put your child first you'll be okay.

[whichwayisup]

I know you're right and I have begun to accept it that the marriage is over. She has moved out and into her own place after i asked her to and I agree that she does want the separation but for some reason can't tell me directly that's what she wants. Was able to go have an affair while only thinking about herself but can't look her husband in the eyes and deliver the final dagger. Guess that shows me the type of person she has chosen to become. So I have accepted that I can't put anymore time or energy into saving something that isn't there.

 

Problem now is it doesn't make the hurt stop. I have detached as much as I'm able to right now. I have stopped all communication with her outside of our daughter. I tried to stop being there for her but when she called up crying last Thursday about an issue at her place I went there and fixed it no question. I'm mad at myself that I did it but live and learn.

 

I'm working on the fake it till you make it system right now. I find myself looking at pictures of her/us I still have on my phone and Facebook and wishing that it wasn't this way but I'm sure like everything else time will wash this pain away too. I spend a lot of time at the gym right now but still struggle to eat and sleep. I didn't ask for any of this but it's what got dropped on me. I know my story is no different than the hundreds of others I have read on this board in the last month.

 

Thanks for all the help and advice people. While it was hard to accept it does help to read from those who have experienced this before. I hope to some day pay it forward.

 

Of course you need to grieve the loss, this isn't what you ever thought would happen, you got married, had kids, built a life together. It's like a death - and has to be grieved. Do counseling to help you cope with this in a healthy way.